Traveling To America | Connor Burns | Gallus

and it doesn't come from a place of ignorance like i've spent a lot of time around america my fiance's american and uh yeah yeah and her grandparents live over there they live in missouri and last year we went over to visit them three weeks before we visited them we did a big road trip to the deep south of america an interesting time to be in that part of america you know i met some real characters i'll say i met some ******* specimens all right met a guy down there he had four guns he was like that's all the teeth you need for corn he was opening a tin saw a guy over there in a walmart probably mid-50s he was right walking about a denim dungarees on no shirt mate those are overalls not over fuckles put a shirt on isn't the reason i should be able to see a 50 odd year old man's nipples in this shop right now you better tuck them in now before i come over there and let them did a couple of gigs while i was over there as well unless anyone's in for the visa office in which case just a holiday went to a place called birmingham alabama right and it's hard to believe there's a ---- out birmingham out there but there is i found it alabama is what's known as an open carry state you can openly carry a gun anyway but some states are concealed carry so like you can have it but it's going to be tucked away and hidden open carry mental wallace just walking in the street big cowboy hats big magnum on their hip the gun they want to just wait in for a hot day to break out if i did a show at a comedy club over there i've never seen anything like this in my life in the foyer the comedy club there are these like these safety deposit boxes like lockers folk could lock their handgun away and then pick it up again at the end of the show and nobody checking in an umbrella scared the ---- out of me it puts a wee bit of energy in the room at the gig you know didn't do any of my trump stuff that night i came out like that i was like charlie kirk was a hero i was taking nae chances but what really bothered me is right before i went on stage the mc for the club pulled me aside i went uh connor just let you know it's kind of a christian conservative audience so please no cursing but i'm spottish gotta take my culture away from me right before i go on stage you're asking michelangelo to go out there with his paintbrushes he's like michelangelo wasn't he the guy with the nunchucks oh no oh dear i hate that but all i don't say grow up it's just words i can't believe you can check a handgun in and then come in here and go i don't hear any of the words and that was the problem it was you know a very christian conservative right-wing audience and you know there was a lot of cunts in and now i can't i can't use it you know i love that word we just need to grow up you ever noticed as well people that don't like the word cunt always are you go have you ever thought that maybe you don't like that word because you hear it a lot for the gig the first bit of the gig went well i went out your first five minutes was great but that's the problem with this job if the gig is good you kind of you loosen up and i was zigging they were zagging i was keeping it all pg and above board and in five minutes and i just relaxed into it a wee bit too much became slightly too scottish and cunt slipped out right you know how oh you know sometimes you're in a wee zumba class a wee lip pop suit oh all the young guys in the room right now going what it's true boys some of yous won't know this but sometimes they have to tuck their wee bits back in it's one of the best bits about being in a long-term relationship with a woman is learning all the wee fanny facts because girls yous have got a full ecosystem going on down there and we are clueless you know i had no idea i only learned this recently that sometimes ladies if you're sitting in a hard plastic chair and you fart it will come up the front turns your vagina into a wee horse until i was in this relationship with my fiance now i didn't have a clue that vaginal discharge can melt through a carpet girls we need to have a you need to balance your ph or something this is we need to fix this yous have got toxic waste seeping out of you and we're not even mentioning it because that's the thing about dirty knickers they will always land butterside doom you got to pick them up quick or you'll ruin the soft furnishings so you know i'm on stage the gig's going well i'm having a good time and uh it's going well five minutes in i'll loosen up a bit right and i didn't call anyone i didn't aim it at a person it just it happened i've never seen a room full of adults react like this in my life and you know once the first swear word's gone we're off to the races now do you know what i mean oh ******* grow up your bible bashing wanks come on enjoy yourselves it just makes you realize when you go to a place like that though how like you know it's they're just so free with that stuff wandering about they've all got guns when you come back home you realize how mollycoddled of a society we live in we've got rules and red tape for everyone in the uk you know and it's keeping us safer at least but it's funny like when i first met my fiancee i remember how baffled she was the first time i said oh we need to pay the tv license she's like what i mean i in this country you need a license she comes from a state where she doesn't need one for a shotgun and as far as i'm aware no one has ever run into a school with a 42 inch panasonic at most a hungover p.e teacher's knocked a bare nut with a big one on the trolley i i'm not gonna just make fun of america i did i enjoyed my time there some really beautiful people in parts of the south my favorite bit was we went down to new orleans that was incredible and also it's really good being scottish and american as well americans really like scottish people and they like irish people english people i don't think he's got the same treatment and to be fair i think it's just because all the stuff he's done um do you know what's funny though is scottish people did a lot of that ---- as well we go over we were we only got involved in the slave trade we stole people's land we shagged their wives all right hands up but here's we are gonna go and do that stuff at least wouldn't believe how much you get away with even a hundred years after it all when they were writing the history books so guys like yeah there were scottish people there too right that was some laugh that night yeah that was good mind they heard your message high five them and we just get to be the good guys forever now yeah and we were in there in new orleans i was walking down bourbon street with my fiance it's like the big party street everyone's drinking and dancing and that having a good time and we get chatting away these two young american guys in the street just small talk i could tell one of the guys was trying to suss out my accent or something right eventually just went hey man where you from i went i'm from scotland and he went scotland texas no scotland the country and he was excited he called his mate over he was like hey man this guy's from scotland and the other guy went scotland texas he went no scotland the country and the second guy was buzzing his face laughed it was like he'd never seen one in the wild before he came right up to me i swear to god he came up and just went say i shat myself i just went freedom i did it exactly like that as well like just not quite sure of myself freedom i worked though because he went that's braveheart i went hi hi and he went mel gibson i went hi and he went is he scottish i went that's not really important pal no i mean it's australian i think but um and he went well come on man i want to hear something really scottish i went get out my swamp he's like shrek i went ah miles i went as i went is he scottish i went we're really going around in circles here pal um but then his whole tone changed it was like i was like wasting his time or something he got a bit pissed off at me he was like come on man i came over here i wanted to hear something really scottish say something really scottish and i'll be honest with you guys i'm not necessarily proud of what i said i panicked a bit was the first thing that came to mind he was like come on man say something really scottish and i went which one of yous did a shite and didn't flush it well it was ******* one of yous disgusting and here's the thing here's the thing they both knew it you know these viral videos go viral everywhere this stuff has serious reach and then what what happened next blew me away i could not believe it these two young american guys started asking me to do like all these scottish videos they knew them all the guy was like hey man how much did that fresh rolex set you back i just a bit took the roof off when i went oh yeah that's a slice of ham and listen glasgow you guys are an incredible audience these are amazing but i'm telling you right now i don't think i've ever had a better audience than those two black guys that day and people go why did you mention the color of their because i learned a new cultural phenomenon that day i had no idea but the best laughers in the world are american black guys because they make you feel so special at one point i said something funny and one of the guys went easy white chocolate do you mean that and i learned a new thing as well i've never experienced this before but when you say something funny to american black guys for the first 10 seconds you'll think you've offended them because the first thing that they do is run away i've never seen it before but i went oh yeah that's a slice of ham and the guy went ah the etiquette i just chased after them i was like come on i've got loads more do you want me a big shoe big shoe it's the best day of my life man