Cleaning a Non-Car Mate's Manky Car

Non-car mates, we've all got them. They take the mick out of us for putting way too much time and energy into our pride and joy and we take the mick out of them for having no pride and joy. But what happens when a car guy like myself cleans a non-car guy's car like this? The first thing that usually happens then is plenty of negotiation as the last thing any self-respecting car guy wants to do is attempt the impossible for mates rates but thankfully I have the unique advantage of being able to create content out of these otherwise undeserving motors. So after having a butchers to confirm it was in enough of a state agreed that as long as I could film it I'd sacrifice a day or two of my time to try and undo the months or even years worth of neglect. The little six-year-old Mazda had clearly been serving as a toilet target for the local chip and ice cream eating gulls as there was some epic bird bombs bearing through its soft black paintwork and if that organic matter wasn't enough every spider in town had evidently set up shop too. Now don't get me wrong I've seen and cleaned a lot worse but considering this is such a small car and it wouldn't take much to keep on top of it was in a pretty sorry state. Still apparently that's what it's all about no point cleaning already clean cars and all that so after formulating a plan of action in my head I donned some night trial gloves and got my gear together for what was likely going to be the sweatiest job of the year so far. First up for deneglection were the wheel arches and meaty 15 inch rims which were both treated to a citrus pre-wash plus agitation with an easy detail bog brush for the arches but not before the first spider of the day was given a helping hand to escape the chemical influx. An active wheel cleaner or fallout remover depending on how you look at it was then applied to both the barrel and face of the grotty wheel before being left to soak for as long as it realistically could be in the sun to start bleeding away the caked on metal brake dust particles. It was then worked into all areas of the wheel with a bunch of different brushes with the face being tended to first to give the barrels behind which had almost certainly never been cleaned before a little more time to soak. I knew these neglected wheels weren't going to come up perfect so didn't waste my time endlessly slogging away at them and just gave them the usual thorough routine with the opinion that if they were still ingrained and patchy after that then so be it as once corrosion has set in there's only so far cleaning will go. Moving on to the boiling hot black body then I decided to foam the car using the same citrus pre-wash used earlier instead of a dedicated snow foam as this would offer more bite. Before everywhere was foamed over though the lower areas were quickly sprayed using the pressure sprayer as they were dirtier and so realistically needed a separate application. While I was hoping to get some satisfying dwelling shots the watery consistency didn't really warrant it so I didn't bother. Now looking back I'm not sure if this or a dedicated snow foam would have been better. As I say this technically has more cleaning power but couldn't really be left to dwell in the sun whereas a more gentle but thicker snow foam could have been left to soak. Either way this combo of foamy-ish citrus pre-wash and a thorough pre-rinse seemed to shift a large portion of the dirt from the surface just fine. Following the initial pre-rinse and prior to a contact wash a few of the more mucky details were treated to an all-purpose cleaner and a tickle with a soft brush to try and lift out any more stubborn dirt a contact wash alone might not have been able to and while every nook, cranny, panel gap and piece of trim would have benefited from this treatment it's more of a detail-oriented thing for cars undergoing a full decontamination which this wasn't so a quick brush over the badges had to suffice. The Mazda was then finally treated to a mate-rate single bucket wash with a cheap synthetic mitt as I didn't fancy ruining any of the more fancy ones. Each of the black panels were given a good scrub with the mitt as my intention was to simply remove as much dirt as possible not avoid inflicting any superficial damage as that would have been a pretty fruitless endeavour on this car. After contact washing one final thorough rinse was then undertaken to pull the freshly dislodged dirt off the car and cool the panels slightly before they were dried off. Now inevitably when washing in hot weather like this suns are going to dry on the surface but it's the letter of two evils to let them dry than straight up rinse water as the shampoo kind of temporarily encapsulates or neutralises the spot causing minerals in the water and can simply be reactivated when rinsed as it was here. Once rinsed and before any drying took place the inner wheel arches were quickly sprayed with a water based dressing to help give them a freshly replenished look which always makes a difference on darker coloured cars as they stand out like a sore thumb in their standard faded foot. Hurrying to get the car dried before the sun did I then wiped a plush microfibre towel over the sandpaper like surface in a somewhat slapdash manner to ensure the majority of surface water was soaked up before it had a chance to stain the scorching hot black paintwork. Now while the sun impedes you in terms of the constant threat of spots and streaks it assists in quickly evaporating trapped rinse water from various crevices which would usually need blowing out to prevent them from leaking but thanks to the heat that wasn't necessary here. While I always wipe the shuts down after the body I don't always film it as it's difficult to do without getting in the way so to prove I don't leave dirty wet shuts on an otherwise clean car grabbed a few simple shots here of me giving them a once over with the same towel used on the exterior which is usually a no no but I was breaking all the rules here so whatever. With the car dried off then it was time to dress the tyres with some high style from Auto Smart which I've had in my armoury for over a decade and still use from time to time. After being applied with a brush and left to soak in while the other tyres were dressed off camera it was buffed over with a generic towel to remove any excess and prevent sling and while it does leave quite a glossy shine which in this day and age isn't particularly desirable it does seem to last a while and is good value when had in 5 litre form. While I had no intention of wasting countless hours trying to fully restore the heavily swirled battered and bird poo etched paintwork I did just about have enough time to work a decent all in one over the surface to further deep clean and breathe some life back into it as well as provide some superficial protection. After spreading some Men's Airner 3-in-1 over the surface then it was worked into the larger panels with the Flex Direct Drive Random Orbital Polisher at a medium speed to save some elbow grease. Now I found this product to be great in the sun even on scorching hot cars like this as the wax in it melts down and keeps things workable for as long as you need. Now I was only given each area a few simple passes here though so once that had been achieved the residue was quickly buffed off with a Cor-Pro towel before it became one with the surface. If this relatively quick single stage polish happened to knock back any swirls, scratches or bird poo etching then great but that wasn't really the goal here. The aim was simply to restore some depth and clarity to the poorly blacked paintwork in the most efficient and cost effective way possible. This car was really a candidate for a full on multi-stage detail but the time and effort required to achieve such a thing would generally be lost on a non-car mate so all that really mattered here is that it looked considerably cleaner and shinier than it did beforehand. Once the main panels had been lightly machined over, the remaining bits and bobs in between were coloured in by hand with the same product and matching applicator pad before being buffed off with the same type of towel used before. Now I could have switched to a spot pad on the machine but felt that was far too much effort for this little beater so a quick hand job served just fine. With the half arsed polishing complete then, a few bits of trim were dressed with some T1 Tyre and Trim from Gtechnic which I highly recommend. After being liberally applied and worked into the surface with an old foam applicator pad it was left to soak for a minute or so before being buffed off with another generic dry towel to leave a nice uniform replenished finish. As usual the glass was left until last and was cleaned with a couple of lint free glass cleaning cloths in my usual manner to remove any spots and smears from the previous stages. Now although the inside of the windows were manky I only hit the outsides here as I was going to be giving the interior a few hours off camera the following day so would address them in a similar manner then. And that was pretty much it for the little Mazda as I was sun sapped and knew that any further efforts would most likely be lost on its owner. So nothing too involved or over complicated then but the nature of the neglect still meant that it took a fair while to bring it up to this standard. Now the bashes and scrapes were obviously still present as was most of the bird poo etching but that type of damage requires more in depth or specialist attention than I just wasn't prepared to offer here. Did I enjoy the process? No. Was I happy with the results? Not really but was there a certain sense of satisfaction in knowing I could share it with potentially millions of people all over the world who might relate and even sympathise? Yes, which to be honest is the main motivation when taking on jobs like this. I know you've seen and heard it all before but I thought the cleaning a non-car guy's car theme was quite unique so hope you enjoyed it. Of course feel free to share it with your non-car mates or simply slate them behind the back in the comments below for fun but either way I'll see you again soon.