15 Minutes of Dolly Parton at Her ABSOLUTELY Funniest!

Interviewing Dolly Parton comes with one major risk. You never quite know where the conversation is going. These are her most savage moments ever. Rock Hill on Twitter wants to know, where do you hide your wrinkles? Ha ha ha ha! Well, you'll have to ask the doctors in Beverly Hills about that. I don't know where they've got them. What is your pre-show ritual? Well, I pray and pee in that order. Love that. Me too! Me too! On that note, no more questions. Pray and pee! After decades of turning her personal life into great stories, Dolly has developed a fairly simple rule. If something makes her laugh, privacy goes out the window. Have you known Jennifer Aniston for a while? You know, I love her to death. My husband is crazy about her. Really? Yes. And he was more excited that I was going to do a movie with her than he was that I got the chance to write all this music. See, I think he kind of fantasizes like a three-sh** with us. No, but seriously, Dolly, I think he can't even get it out to pee much less get it out to drink. Of course, telling that story while Jennifer wasn't there was the easy part. Dolly eventually got the chance to deliver the message directly to her. Is Dolly in trouble with Carl? No, Carl is so funny. No, he got a big kick out of that, but he thought it was funny. He said, well, I mean, I can do a three-sh**, but I can maybe do a two-and-a-half, and he's Jennifer. So whatever that means. Only Dolly. This is just the only human that can say that. Honestly, I'll take off. I love Carl so much for saying that. I love Carl, too. Oh, and he loves you, too. I love you, Carl. Dolly's never exactly struggled to get compliments on her figure. Her only complaint is that everyone apparently keeps focusing on only one part and forgetting the rest. The number one Dolly Parton pet peeve. The question is, if you could tell teenagers of America today one thing, whether it be advice or something of support, what would it be? I would say, act like it's raining every day and wear your rubbers. Criticizing Dolly's appearance has always been a risky game. Whatever you say about her, chances are she'll come back with something considerably funnier. The best, worst, at least dressed list of 2000. I'm in that, you know. Of all time, the worst dressed of all time. I swear. Are you really? I swear. The worst dressed of all time? Yes, there it is. What does it say? I don't think you're that bad. Well, you know what? It's just the way I look. It's like I honestly have designers at some of these awards show pay me not to say who designed my gown. I would say I have walked the red carpet and I have worn it. But anyway, they said I was one of the worst dressed of all time. That's all right with me. I have a good time. I bet I'm happier than that guy that wrote that. And I'm glad that he came out of his closet long enough to look in mine. It's not a hooker convention. It's a Dolly Parton concert. I guess I should feel hurt, but I don't because I patterned my look after a hooker who better than me. Dolly's look eventually became unmistakable, but the woman who originally inspired it came from a considerably different kind of spotlight. You styled yourself after the prostitute in town because you thought she was so gorgeous. And she was. Yes. Yeah. Well, she was called the town tramp. Like, she was just one of those people. Well, I think women were really jealous of her. I mean, she just was probably like us a lot. She wore her hair all, you know, blonde, proxided. And she wore lipstick, long nails, short skirts, tight. She was beautiful. Yes. And I just thought she was great. And everybody would just say, oh, she's just trash. And I thought, that's what I'm going to be when I grow up. Yes. Because I thought that meant the way she looked. Yes. Big girls can look like that. Do you ever wish you were born a guy? Do I ever wish I was born a guy? Lord, no. I've always been a sissy. And if I'd have been born a man, I'd have been a drag queen. Some songwriters might struggle watching another artist get most of the recognition for their biggest creation. Dolly was perfectly happy sharing the spotlight, provided there was one thing she didn't have to share. One thing is that, you know, Whitney Houston gets credited the late great for I Will Always Love You. But that's actually a song penned and also previously recorded by Dolly. That's her song. Yes. But she did so much more. She did. I always told her, you know, people said, that's Whitney's song. I said, that's okay. She can have the credit as long as I get the cash. Dolly, how long does it take for you to do your hair? I wouldn't know. I'm never there. Dolly, are they real? They're real expensive. They're real big. How do you want people to remember you a hundred years from now? I want them to say, God, don't she look good for her age? My husband's waist has increased so rapidly over the years. Of course, he refuses to buy bigger pants. He's really starting to look ridiculous, and I really don't know how to tell him. What do you think, Dolly? Well, personally, I've been so fat in my life, I sympathize with anybody with weight problem for any reason. Remember I used to tell you when I tried to haul ass, I had to make two trips? Long before Dolly was delivering one-liners on talk shows, she was hearing some pretty good ones at home, and her mother may have been even quicker than she was. My dad was a farmer. My mother was the greatest. We didn't always have things that money could buy or even all the stuff we wanted to eat, but we always had something. My mother had a great attitude. She'd say things like, well, kids, if we had some ham, we'd have some ham and eggs if we had some eggs. Johnny Cash was my first encounter with what I thought sex appeal was, feeling really drawn to someone. I mean, I saw him on stage, and I just felt things that I never felt before. I did, because he had that funny way of, you know, like how Elvis did. I didn't know what all the feelings were, but I... Something special, something different about people. Well, like yourself as well. You know, you see it immediately. There's a magnetism or something. Oh, am I turning you on right now? But speaking of Johnny Cash, Dolly had her own theory about where those famous moves came from, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the music. Johnny came out on stage and just all that weird moving and all, it just really stirred me like I couldn't understand what I was feeling. It was years later, and I got a terrible crush on him, you know, at that time. It was like years... I realized that's what true charisma is. Magnetism, you know, just the way he moved. And then I think a lot of it later I realized was a lot of dope, too. I think he was twitching and moving around with all sorts of feelings and all. The secret to a great story has always been in the delivery, and few people can stretch out a punchline quite like Dolly Parton. We were having our meal, and this old man came over to our table. And he sat down, and he was just talking to us, and we were all laughing. We didn't know him. And then so he finally, he left, and we finished. So I went up to pay the bill, and the man said, Well, your grandpa left his bill here, too. I said, My grandpa? So that old man had come over and kind of scammed us. And so I said, Well, that wasn't my grandpa, but I paid it, of course. So when we left, I walked down the street, and he was standing there at the light. I went over to him. I said, Hey, I would have been happy, you know, to have paid your bill. And he took his walking stick, and he started just beating me across the chest. I mean, just as hard as he could, just wham, wham, wham, wham, wham. And it hurt. Oh, my gosh. I know. But then what happened? What do you mean, what happened? These two big lumps came up, and they never did go down. There are some guests you can safely challenge on a talk show. Dolly Parton, as Conan was about to discover, is absolutely not one of them. I dare you to take off all your clothes right now. It's sweet. That'll help you, yeah. Okay, well, we better start. This is going to be a big show. Hey, wait, I better take this cross off if we're going to get this ticket. Oh, yeah, I know. We don't want any trouble. Yeah, Damien was backing away. So help me with that. Uh-huh, yeah. Now, you may have to help me with this. Help me with the zipper. Because this is hard here. One eternity later. That was amazing. I saw an ad the other day that said, You, too, can look like Dolly Parton for only $500. Boy, I wish I'd have seen that ad before I dished out the millions. It caused me to look like Dolly Parton. And I got them mic'd. Excuse me? Anyway, let's get off of that and get on to something else. No, no, let them speak. They're mic'd, so you talk into the left and I'll talk into the right. Everyone has their reasons for avoiding a little cardio. Dolly's just happens to be a problem very few people could relate to. Do you exercise? Not much. I'm lazy. What kind of exercise would you do if you were going to exercise? Do you run? Do you play golf? I can't run very well. I have a tendency to black my eyes. I found a picture of you with Arnold. Where is that? Show that picture. Look at that. That was in 1977. That was a Rolling Stone magazine. Did you like the muscle guys? Oh, I think he looked great. I mean, I think he was into politics then. Because he was certainly checking out my platform. Being the original usually means the imitators are competing for second place. Dolly once discovered, rather painfully, that judges don't always see it that way. In LA, one year, I thought, well, this would be a great night for me to get out and not be noticed because there's so many look-alikes. There's so many Dolly Partons walking around, I can just go out. Seriously, I went into this club and I had kind of over-exaggerated my own self. You know, made my beauty mark bigger. Made my eyes bigger and the hair a little more. And I got down there and they were having a Dolly Parton look-alike contest. And it was mostly drag queens, guys down there. And so I went in and I got in line with everybody else, but somebody else won. Remember that sheep that got cloned? Oh, the clone! Well, that was a compliment. It certainly was. But why did they name it after you? It's true. There's a reason for it. And I'm glad you asked because a lot of people just thought it was a coincidence. But the scientists that did this, from what I understand, and this is the truth. I'm not trying to be funny. They used the mammary glands, the boob glands, in case those of you who don't know. Anyway, so they, whatever they did, the fusing or however they did that. And so the scientists said, who better than Dolly Parton? You know, we're going to use these glands, you know, the way that they cloned it. So I was beside myself. And somebody said, well, weren't you offended that this is so controversial? I said, as far as I'm concerned, there's no such thing as bad publicity. Some celebrity stories are probably better left untold. Dolly's philosophy seems to be that if it's funny enough, privacy is no longer a consideration. There was one, I remember, there was one story. And I'll ask you if this is true. This is in the tabloid, that you went streaking somewhere. Well, it was a bunch of girls. A bunch of girls? Yeah, well, no, no. We had been out to a Mexican restaurant. We was feeling pretty good. Yeah. And I was staying over in Beverly Hills in a hotel. And we went right by Tom Jones' house. And after about three or four margaritas, I thought, you know what? We're right here in his yard. I'm going to streak through there. And so I did. And that was before he built the fence. Right after that, they built the fence. Now, you have had to struggle with something that, for some reason, the tabloids, and this has been for a long time, they seized on you. They just love to write about you. And some of it's a byproduct of your popularity. It's a lot of it. They just want to have a Dolly Parton story. They write the craziest things about you. Lord, I've just had everything wrote about me. They are always talking about my boobs. I don't know why. They're not that big. It's just that I'm little, and they're big in comparison to that. That's not true. Dolly, here's my question. My girlfriend has a dog that drives me absolutely crazy. Every time we're together, he just goes nuts. And it's getting to the point where it's either me or this dog. But I don't know how to tell her. What do you think, Dolly? I think she's going to have to have one of you neutered. What's going on there? Oh, I think it looks like some chicken shoving a head up a duck's ass. What do you think it is? You know, that's kind of what it looked like to me as well. Hope you enjoyed this, and see you in the next one.