Maggie Naughton 2026 08 08 East Village 1030pm 2

For clapping I appreciate that sometimes I get nervous when I get on stage because I feel like it doesn't look like I have a good sense of humor, so And I know that about myself It does look like if we got in a fight, I would correct your grammar. So Which I hate okay, but I was an editor so I will Being an editor is not a bad job. It's just not a good job if you want other people to like you I have found Because you're just calling out mistakes, right? That's not a fun vibe. So I would always buffer my comments and be like just a thought Totally up to you This is how I spell definitely You wrote defiantly that's okay It's hard to care about a corporate job, right Like I don't I don't think I've ever cared about a job ever and I've been a lifeguard I could be halfway through CPR if it's 501 I'm talking out I'm trying to like improve my life. I recently took a year off drinking. I was a year sober. Do you think that's cool? Sometimes I say that and people are like quitter so Yeah, I listen I had to take a break okay because I have bad habits when I get too drunk I'm a big drunk texter Which is weird because I'm not a super emotional person, but I will have one margarita and it becomes a Jane Austen novel. Okay I'm like my dearest Kyle Are you up it you know? I have something called a tilted uterus. Do you know what that is? Yeah, I love when there's women in the room Because sometimes it's all men and you have to be like, okay, so a uterus is inside the body, you know And when it's tilted it kind of just slumps over right? So I was getting an ultrasound the other day and because my uterus is tilted the OBGYN Couldn't find it. I was like you were here What do you mean so I was telling my boyfriend about it and he goes what you have a tilted uterus did I do that I love him. So I was like, uh-huh. So not to brag. I'm dating the three-legged man. Okay The next time we hooked up he was like brace yourself and I was like, okay How about you marry me break it you buy it, all right He's cute he's just stupid He's a lot shyer than me, which I love I love a shy dude because normally they're like nice and supportive and like can't really cheat on you Like he could try he could obviously try but to be honest, I've seen that guy get nervous talking to Siri I find so hot, you know He met my family recently and I'm from an Irish Catholic family So the thing I told him I was like, okay The amount of PDA in front of my parents has to be like zero right and he was great But when we got there, I realized the amount of PDA has to be a little bit more than zero Otherwise, it looks like I brought a guy to meet my parents who doesn't like me I don't know if you've ever tried to seduce your own boyfriend In front of your parents, but it's humiliating. Okay the whole time I was like, babe, and he was like ma'am Interaction was like a high-five And then he goes how did I do did I pass and I was like the bar they think you're my attorney No Thank you. I Do think it's hard to be yourself in front of your significant other's family because you want them to like you, right? You can't like say everything you think I think my boyfriend's family likes me and I say that because after I met them His mom sent me a photo of our AI baby Yeah And it was like kind of ugly so I was like delete that But I can't say to her what I really think right so to her I was like, oh my god, so cute I Would take such good care of that, you know Which is kind of crazy because in my head I was like, oh my god, I would take care of that That was a risk, okay Just like a really quick abortion joke, okay That's Photoshop, um, I don't know I will say I am a feminist do we have feminists in the crowd Okay The rest of you. What's up? I didn't know I was performing at Mar-a-Lago. Okay Feminist, but I will say there's things about feminism that I'm not up with. Okay for one thing I think God might be a man I know that's like a crazy take for a feminist But I kind of think God is a man because I have prayed like a lot and I have never heard back so That feels pretty masculine to me I'm getting holy ghosted. Okay I'd be like a child Like praying to God like God, I'm really struggling and God is like sorry, dude Works been so crazy The men are all like yeah, that is how I goes perfect You're not supposed to guess if someone else has gotten plastic surgery Yeah I'm not with that one. Okay, I Want you guys to know like genuinely from the bottom of my heart if I get really successful and I get a lot of work Done you better talk about it. Okay, I spent thousands of dollars I have the biggest hits you've ever seen in your life. If all you guys said about me was like, oh, she was funny I'll kill you. Okay, I Dream of being objectified. I really do. I actually went to It's all for me I got what I needed, okay No, I actually did. I went to a plastic surgeon kind of recently because I wanted to find out about arm liposuction I'm insecure about my arms and I didn't really research it I kind of just thought I would get there and the lady would be like what? Girl you have perfect arms, you know instead she said you're the perfect candidate You can act a little surprised instead of following my insecurities medically accurate, okay Like showing up to a therapist's office and then being like, yeah, everyone is mad at you. You're right You're spot-on I'm on Accutane. Has anyone done Accutane? Can I ask you what was your worst side effect Get away from me, okay Don't to my face. You said I'm better than you. Okay One of the Accutane is like a really strong acne medication and one of the main side effects for some of us is Depression, right? And I thank you. I felt crazy. I I'm very prone to depression. So I was asking my dermatologist I was like should I be worried and he was like actually a lot of my patients have said they got less depressed because their Skin cleared up so they looked better and I was like, excuse me. I don't think that's how depression works. I Have you tried being hot Excuse me, I believe in medicine. I don't think the advice should be the same as a high school bully. Okay I um, I think growing up Catholic. Yeah, okay So I I have depression but I because I grew up Catholic my family just called it being ungrateful. So Thank you, yeah And I think it messed me up. Like I didn't know anything about sex growing up I had to kind of do my own research. Okay, and I did one I googled how to give a good blowjob I'm gonna tell you guys the number one tip. They give you is to be really excited about it You're like really pumped about giving a blowjob and I remember reading that being like, okay Is the second best Cuz I can't do that That's why I think it's funny that I have a tilted uterus cuz I'm like such a prude when I see a dick even my uterus like And Guys that's our show. I just want to say you guys have been an absolutely lovely audience I hope you have a lovely rest of the night and come back to New York Comedy Club sometime. I'm Jack Finnegan