AJ & Josh | Not Suitable for Work

I'm new to the building, my phone died, I forgot my apartment number. Miss, I think we're all good here, I know this scam. You get inside, you chat us up, and suddenly my laptop's missing. Oh my god, it's you. What? Nothing. Hey, friendly bit of advice, I lose the Red Sox hat, it's not gonna make you a lot of friends around here. Wow, um, are you making a lot of friends in that cardigan? Excuse me? This cardigan belonged to my father, and when our cleaning lady accidentally shrunk it, he gave it to me. Cool, hi. Nice meeting you, neighbor. Neighbor? You're moving across the hall? Yeah, lucky me. Tell Abby, Kel says hi. Nice to meet you, neighbor. No, no, Kel, it's not nice to meet her. She was very rude about my sweater. Nice to meet you. Privately. I'm so sorry about earlier. I just wanted to make you aware that your roommate is committing rental fraud. So? So, it's unethical, first of all. And second of all, me and my girlfriend, she's a social worker, by the way. We're planning on moving in. Legally. Exhausting and self-important. Don't make us the villain in your sob story. There is a housing crisis. Then move to New Jersey. Identified the source of the fire. It was coming from 6D. I knew it. It was a cheap flat iron. One of the ones you get when you're traveling and you forgot your nice one at home. Her hair isn't even that good. This isn't over. Well, can you give me a break and let me run upstairs and get the money? I can pay. I have cash. No, absolutely not. She has a good friend. Oh, we are not. You really didn't need to do that. You know, I had it covered. You shouldn't rip off small businesses. That's not okay. I wasn't doing that. I love small business. You can just say thank you. Thank you. Great. Can I get my food? Wait, hold on. Have we met before? Well, um, yeah. I live across the hall. No, no, no, like before that. You seem so familiar. Well, maybe your conscience wants you to be nicer to me. There. Thanks again. I'll pay you back. Sweet. But to be little snitches and get us evicted? That is low, even for you. I told Antoine never mind. It was too late by the time you ratted us out. So you better fix this or else. Are you threatening us? You want to find out? My girl's from Dorchester, Massachusetts. Is that a tough neighborhood? I'm not familiar with local towns in other states. Well, I'm from Jersey. Ever heard of that bitch? Okay, okay, okay. Hey, we will fix this. Just so you know, it's not us. It's just Josh. Yeah, Josh only wanted the apartment for his girlfriend, but she dumped his fat ass. Good. Get your flops. Pull the door. Hey, rats. I heard you're not getting kicked out anymore. I'm such an idiot. Hey, it's okay. Maybe I don't know what's going on. I suck at my job. I almost ruined this whole pitch. And the worst part is my co-workers fixed it and they didn't even rub it in my face. I would have been such a bitch. Yeah, I could see that. I should move back to Boston and work at a European wax center. Hey, I could be wrong. But I think people helping each other at work is actually what work is supposed to be like. I guess that's true. I wish I had that. There's this one girl and my job cannot stand me. I can't charm her at all. Oh, maybe don't try to charm her. Charm is a red flag to girls. You know who was charming? Ted Bundy. I'm like Ted Bundy? Basically. Why don't you take your own advice and try to be helpful? That was good advice. Well, uh, can I? Sorry, I'll move to Lex. Hey, I need to tell you something. You were right. We actually do know each other. Sophomore year, Penn Model UN conference, we hooked up. Wait, what? Yeah, I had long hair back then. Oh my god. Yeah, you ghosted me. Which sucked, but it was a long time ago. Don't worry about it. Anyway, good night. I slept with AJ. Last night? How? No, in college. Again, how? How? The same way I pulled all the baddies in college. I blew her mind during a Model UN competition. Oh, Jesus. AJ did that nerdy ---- too? It's not nerdy. It's prestigious. Do you have feelings for AJ? No, I never had feelings for her. I didn't even remember hooking up until she reminded me. Okay, so this is nothing. Yeah, I agree. So I have to tell Davis. Make sure that there's zero chance I spend the night. I'm going to tell her I have early morning plans to take you, Josh, to the diarrhea doctor. Awesome. Sounds good to me. Please get out. No, not awesome. Do not tell her that. Where is my wine at? AJ, what are you talking about? I don't drink wine. I drink mezcal. Oh, now you owe me six bottles of really nice ---- by 7 p.m. And it better not come in a box, you lazy dickhead. First of all, I would never buy boxed wine. Second of all, you're opening the wine at 7. You don't want to give it time to breathe? Hello? There's a larger lesson. You can't keep Vivian satisfied? Just shut up and listen. The point is, many great relationships start as friends. So I should just be AJ's friend? Yes. You... you're the Philadelphia thirst monster? The Philadelphia thirst monster? Hello? I'm here with your stupid wine. You called me the Philadelphia thirst monster? I was neither thirsty nor a monster. Okay. Well, to quote Buckingham Palace, recollections may vary. What does that mean? At the post-competition mixer, you waited outside the bathroom to introduce yourself. I hadn't fully zipped. You did. That doesn't make me thirsty. I was being friendly. You were like, is your dorm room big? Can I see it? Could you have been more obvious? Come on. What? You don't know why I ghosted you. I honestly don't. Fine. It's because the second we were done, she said, is that it? Yes. I didn't. I don't remember. Oh. Oh, I did say that for sure. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to bring this up, but the only reason I said that is because it was a genuine question because I had never done it before. You were AJ's first and you ghosted her? And you sucked at sex? How was I supposed to know it was your first time? Oh, you just assume all girls from Penn are sluts. Davis is right. Apologize to me. No, I will not. There is no way. I could have known she was a virgin. So I'm going to go and I'm taking this with me. Do you still have any feelings for AJ? Hell no. Kill me. Barf. Okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you the Philadelphia thirst monster. I only did it because I was so humiliated. Is it really that bad to say, is that it? I know, it's just... What? It's also my first time. Oh my God. So I scarred you forever. Not forever, but it definitely really hurt my confidence. And that's why I left. I'm sorry. No, I get it. I'm sorry too. Thank you. Can you not tell anyone? The guys don't even know. Of course. It'll be our little secret. I'm gonna go back in. Good luck at the diarrhea doctor tomorrow. Hey, how's it going with her? Good. I've got a new angle. She respected me at work when I saved her ass on the yarn barn deal. Yeah, you didn't stop talking about it for days. Exactly. So I'm leaning into being a source of wisdom and guidance until her brain tells her heart that she's in love with me. It's for a meeting, not AJ. I don't even know if I still like her anymore. What? Why? She's assertive and taking control of everything on this deal. She's not following protocol. Is it working? I guess, but that's not the point. So she's just good at her job? But only because I wanted to just like get to the part where I had a serious girlfriend. I guess I get that. I mean, are you ever like that too? No, the opposite. I think every guy sucks and then I'm suddenly surprised when someone is great. And sometimes that surprise doesn't even go anywhere. Motherfucker! Josh, what are you doing? Throwing my dad's stupid sweaters away. He's leaving my mom. Oh, I'm so sorry. They were this perfect couple, married for 30 years, three beautiful children. Yeah, it sucks. My dad left when I was two. Respectfully, I think my situation is sadder because I'm so aware of everything that's happening to me. **** you, dad. **** you for this turmoil within. Hey, can I walk with you for a second? I just have a question. Sure. Can you slow down? I'm walking New York normal. You speed up. It's just things with Bill and I are getting kind of serious. I think we might even tell people to work in the new year. I just, I don't want to mess this up. Well, your secret's safe with me and Davis and Kel and Roberto, former hair guy. We have no secrets. I appreciate that. You want to come to this library thing with me? Oh, what is it? It's a historian reading from his own book on Dutch street names in lower Manhattan. I'd rather kill myself. Fun fact, kill means river in Dutch. It is amazing that society accepts you. Oh, now he's walking fast. I'm leaving town with my girlfriend tomorrow for Aspen. AJ, you lucky bastard. Wait, dude, we have to talk Aspen. My family goes every year. If you see my dad at the Little Nell, tell him I'm doing great. What? I am not going to Aspen. But I just overheard Bill telling some guy he's going with his girlfriend tomorrow. Aspen. Hey, Josh, can I ask you for a favor? What do you need, buddy? Can you just tell me that AJ's not that great? And that she's not that pretty and she's not the girl of my dreams? I mean, you, you hate her. So just like tell me how much she sucks. I'm sorry, I can't. But I can tell you this, you're going to find someone who deserves you. Someone even better. Hey, how was Aspen? Did you ski? Tell me you didn't buy a cowboy hat. Oh my god, you did? You bought a cowboy hat? You tourist? No, I didn't go to Aspen. Oh, Bill cheaped out? You did snow mass? You can call it Aspen. I won't tell anyone. No, Bill took his ex-girlfriend. They're back together. He dumped me. Oh man, AJ, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Yeah, same. I just fell hard for someone who turns out had little to no real interest in me. What? It's just, if the Philadelphia thirst monster is thirsty outside of Philly, is she still the Philadelphia thirst monster? Well, I hope you'll be some fun New Year's plans tonight. No, no, I hate New Year's. It's the worst holiday. I was just saying that. It's so overhyped. Exactly. So tonight I'm just going to stay in and murder a Danish while watching a Danish murder show. Yeah, I was going to do broadcast news and Chinese food. Though I do love a Danish murder show. If you like, I could bring my takeout over and we could watch it together. All right. Well, I'll see you tonight. Oh, go on your date. It's fine. Really? As a journalist, I feel it's important. Okay, get the hell out of here. Thank you. Happy New Year. Bye.