The God of our Brokenness - Fr. Mike Schmitz

Thank you very much. Okay. Okay. So I'll know how well I do if you don't do that at the end. I just thank you all. Thank you, John, for that introduction is amazing. A couple of things as we get started. Gosh. Well, you mentioned just, you know, there's a lot of stuff going on. And wow, I don't even know where to start. I just completely lost my train of thought, because that was really nice. And you guys are super nice. So there's the Bible. Okay, and then there's a bunch of people here. I'm nervous. And there's, that's actually part of what I wanted to lead off with. I'm just so honored to be here. One of the reasons that well, gosh, I would say this, maybe the reason why I'm here is because of John Hale and corporate travel. And I sometimes people are like, well, how come you went to that thing instead of coming to my thing? I'm like, because you're not John. That's why I don't know. I don't know what to say other than that. I apologize for that. But I'm so grateful for corporate travel. And so I'm not joking about kind of being a little bit nervous. Because, well, first of all, I don't know how many of you feel like this, maybe in the last day or so, since you got here, my guess is that some of the sense in the room is like, you look around, you're like, wow, all these people seem like super Catholics. And like, there's so many people like they seem like they know what they're doing. Some of them wearing habits, you know, like they are super Catholics. But they all seem to know what they're getting. And I don't know if you felt like, like, I don't belong here. That is really, really easy to feel like, especially in a in a in a room like this of incredible people with like these incredible talks and great speakers and great worship and all these things. It's really, really, really easy to feel like you don't belong or like you don't matter. And I just we have to say right away that that that's that's a lie. And you are supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. So just so if that's if that's come against your heart, just please know that you have you're you have to be you have to be here. No, you matter. And it's it's so important that you're here. That doesn't mean that I'm less intimidated by all y'all. And so I was in Texas last week and I got to say and I got to say all y'all. And when I say y'all in Minnesota, everyone's like, I'm like, no, it's the vosotros form of English. You go, Texas. But but there is there is a real a real sense of just what just want to honor you all, because I know that it cost you all a lot to be here. Just like in time, sacrifice of what you could be doing. And so I just want to, again, honor that. Some people have asked two things. They said, you have to do this no matter what. One is you have to remind people that at the end of this, if you have any religious objects, we'll bless them here from the stage. And they asked me to do that. So I'm not like somebody wants anything to be blessed. Just come forward. I don't they told me to tell you that. So if you want anything blessed at the end, we'll just kind of do a general blessing, general blessing. And the other thing they said before you say anything, could you please give an update on your mom? So if you don't know. Oh, you have a mother. Yes. So if you don't know, in 2020, April or so of 2020, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And thankfully, they caught it relatively quickly. And so she went through chemotherapy and it was really, really rough on her. And they had surgery and went really, really well. And for six months, she was just cancer free. It was awesome. And then it came back after, what, six months. And so she had about a six to nine month round of chemo again. And instead, they couldn't do surgery. And so she doesn't mind me telling you because she's like, listen, all these people write to me and they tell me they're praying for me because you talk about me. I'm like, OK, mom, just keep talking about me. Keep the prayers coming. So so she had another round of chemo, but they couldn't do surgery. So they did radiation. It didn't help at all. In fact, her markers went up, the nodes got larger. And so it was kind of a decision of would she just cease treatment or would she pursue the chemo? Because the second round of chemo didn't have as bad side effects. And so she's been back on chemotherapy and her markers are going down, which is awesome. Some of the nodes didn't even show up on the last scan she had. So that's really, really good. But the biggest thing, I think the biggest thing is just, you know, it's so interesting how sometimes when tragedy happens, when we actually get affected by anything, life, sickness, just accidents, sometimes the question we can ask is why me? And that's that's that makes sense. John Paul II, in one of his encyclicals on human suffering, he highlighted this if unless he didn't. And he says I'm just misremembering. But someone once highlighted this, that that all all creatures, all all animals can feel pain, but only human beings can suffer. And we suffer in a unique way because we can ask why all animals can feel pain, but only human beings can ask why. Why is this happening to me? One of the things that struck my mom and just I want to share this with you is that when she was going through this and she got better. Well, you know, if you've experienced cancer, you kind of have a cohort of friends. You have a cohort of people who walk with you who are also experiencing cancer. And almost every one of her friends died. So my mom's question was not why me? Her question was why not me? And she just kept coming back to that and asking the Lord, like, what is it? Why am I still alive? Like, what do you want me to do? You know, John of the cross. Sorry, St. John of the cross. I don't want to strip him of his title. St. John of the cross. At one point, he said at the twilight of our lives, like at the end of our lives, we will be judged. But he said this, in the twilight of our lives, we will be judged on love alone. At the end of our lives, when we see the Lord, we'll be judged. We'll be judged on love alone. And I've been thinking about that a lot lately because I think a lot of us, we hear that and we're like, yes, that's what I want. I want to be someone who loves. I want to be someone who loves well. I want to be someone who loves the people around me who need love. I want to be this kind of person who can love God. I think every single one of us, we want that. So our problem isn't that we don't want to love. I think a lot of our problems is that we can't. Not just because we have small hearts, not just because we have broken hearts, but I think that most of us in our hearts, there just isn't any room. I think for a lot of us in our lives, there just isn't any room. I think a lot of us, this is the start of the talk, by the way. So just, I don't know if you noticed, you probably didn't because it was super seamless, but now you know. That at the end of our lives, we're judged on love alone. And I don't love the way I'm supposed to. I don't even love the way I want to because I can't. Because why? Because my life is too full. It's just, and it's not even necessarily full of horrible things, not even necessarily full of bad things, not even full of things that shouldn't be there. It's just so full. We're all in such a hurry. How many of us are not in a hurry always, constantly? Just I need to get from here to there and there to there and there to there and constantly this sense of I need to go on to the next thing. And there's really such a thing as too much of a good thing. So I love soy sauce so much, you guys. It's just, I say I love sushi. I don't love sushi. I love soy sauce. It's like, I don't like french fries. French fries are a vehicle to get ketchup inside of me. That's the thing. And so I love soy sauce. But so here's how I, here's how you know that I don't love sushi. I buy grocery store sushi. Like, oh yeah, it's never been a problem. It's never been a problem. But at the grocery store that I, where I get my sushi, they recently got new soy sauce packets. And the soy sauce packets are, are like full of soy sauce. Actually, in fact, they're fuller of soy sauce than the previous soy sauce packets. And I thought, this is awesome. These are so full. But the problem was when I tried to open it up, it exploded everywhere. I'm like, oh, it's too full. And then I thought, this will preach down in Phoenix. Because there's such a thing as having too much of a good thing in our lives. Because, I mean, if you just were even to stop and for a moment and say, like, what is there in my life that's preventing me from being able to love? It's because I just don't have any time. I don't have time to love the people who I know deserve my love. I know that they deserve my attention. I know that they deserve my heart. Even, not to mention the Lord himself. He deserves everything. He deserves the best of me. And I don't, it's not that I don't, I'm not willing to give it to him. I just can't. Because I'm in too much of a hurry. My life is too full. And I just don't have the time. I remember reading about John Paul, Saint John Paul II. And, you know, the people that he even knew back in Poland, even after he became the Holy Father, people he knew back in Poland, he would, they would say after he passed away, after he died, they would say, you know what, John Paul II, he always had time for us. And I just, I remember thinking, oh man, I love that. And I do not, I do not understand that. They would say, yeah, John Paul, the Pope, always had time for us. I'm like, how in the world is that even possible? Because I don't know how a person does that. You know, because, so let's, I don't know, you guys might be familiar with the Bible. So we're going to open up the Bible. And we're going to go to the beginning because it's been a long time since January 1st. And so, you know that, you know that when, when God created the world in Genesis chapter 1, every day, what did it say? That every day, at the end of the day, God looked at all he, looked at what he made and he said that it was good. Right. And at the end of the fullness of creation, sixth day, what was it? It was, you guys did pay attention. You guys are the best. It's so good. I just discovered this. And so if there's any Bible scholars here, and I know there are, did you know that the word, the Hebrew and Greek word that's used here in Genesis chapter 1, when God looked at what he had made and said, this is, this is good, is the exact same word for Hebrew and Greek for beautiful. That God looked at what he made and said, it is beautiful. God looked at the fullness of what he made and said, it is very beautiful. That all of this creation, all the, this world that God has made is so good. And you're part of that. So here is God, not merely declaring over this creation he had made and saying, it is good, but God looking at you, saying, it is good. And God looking at you and saying, it is beautiful. Just to be able to sit with that and to recognize what the Lord God himself has declared over you. She's beautiful. He is beautiful. This world they made is beautiful and reveals himself. Of course, we always say this, you know, the end of chapter two is amazing. Here's the man and the woman, they're in the garden. What does it say? It says, and the man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame. It's just this whole, the whole situation, the whole scenario, the whole picture, this whole world is so good. It is so beautiful. And if that was the end of the Bible, it'd be a really, really short book. It'd have been a short year, but also it would have been a lot more fun. But what happens is chapter three happens. When chapter three happens, now the serpent was the most cunning of all the animals the Lord God had made. And the serpent, what does the serpent do? We all know the story. The serpent goes up to the woman, tempts her. She falls. And here's the crazy thing, passes the food to her husband. They both ate it. Their eyes were open. They realized they were naked and they sewed fig leaves together to make loincloths for themselves. And here's the moment. This is the moment that I think is worth praying about. I know this is remedial. I know this is review for everyone here, but I think it's so important that we need to recover it over again. It says then, when they heard the sound of the Lord God moving about in the garden at the breezy time of the day, the man and his wife hid themselves from the Lord God among the trees in the garden. Those people who had been beautiful and could stand unashamed, not only in front of each other, but could stand unafraid before the Lord God himself. They heard him coming and they hid themselves. Of course, the next line is, so the Lord God said, where are you? Now we know this. We know that because God didn't know. Like, what the heck? Where'd they go? You know, God's like, wait a second. Those people, I put them somewhere. I just, I know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. I know. We know that God is asking, where are you? Because he wants to give the man and woman, he wants to give them a chance to come to him. This is one of the things that he's, just like us, when we find ourselves good, but broken, because that's how they found themselves in this moment. Good, but broken. When we find ourselves beautiful, but broken, God wants to give us the chance to freely step out of the shadows. He wants to give us the chance to freely step out of hiding and reveal ourselves. And what does the man say? He says, I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself. And again, this is, I'm so sorry that this is review, but then God says this, who told you that you were naked? You have eaten then from the fruit of the tree of which I had forbidden you to eat. And I've said this before, I'm going to say it again. How we hear those words will tell us everything we need to know about our vision of God. Who told you that you were naked? You have eaten then of the tree of which I'd forbidden you to eat. How do you hear those words when you read them? I think most of us, I mean, maybe not all of us, but I think I know for myself for so long in my life, here's how I heard God saying these words. Who told you you were naked? I'm so freaking, who, you've eaten then of the fruit of the tree I've forbidden you to eat. Like, I am so mad. I'm just going to rip up a tree. I'm going to cause volcanoes. I just, I can't stand the sight of you. And I'm afraid that too many of us, that's the voice we hear. I don't believe that's how God spoke. And I'm going to share with you why in a second. I think God's voice revealed that when Adam said, I was afraid when I heard you coming. I think you could hear God's voice, the sound of his heart breaking. Who told you you were naked? And this knowledge of you have eaten then of the tree I'd forbidden you to eat. Why would God's heart be breaking? Because he knows. He knows that from now on things are different. He knows that from now on things are going to be difficult. He knows that here's this incredible, beautiful world that God had made. And now he made, he made Adam and Eve for what? He made them for love. And now from this moment on, that's all changed. Now they're still made for love, but from now on their experience is going to be different. So what happens? Talks to the serpent, that's a whole nother thing. We don't need to go into it right now. But he talks to the woman. And here's the interesting thing. When he talks to the woman and to the man, sometimes we think that these are the curses. I do not believe that these are the curses that God gives to the woman and to the man. These are the remedies that God offers to the woman and to the man. Here's the first remedy. He talks to the woman and he says this. He says, okay, so from now on you're going to experience pain in childbirth. And ladies are like, that's a remedy? Go on, father. It's a remedy because here's what's going to, here's God saying, okay, to the women, here's what's going to happen. When you give birth, you're going to bring this new life into the world and you're going to love that new life more than you ever dreamed it was possible to love in life. And it's going to hurt. You're going to love this being more than you've ever loved anything. And it's going to cost you, but it has to. Because in this world that is beautiful but broken, you have to realize, you have to know, you have to learn that love from now on, love always involves sacrifice. That's it. That's it. Here's this world that's good but broken. Here's this world that's beautiful but broken. And in this world now, we're human beings. We're still made for love. We're beautiful but broken. We're good but broken. And we're still made to be like God. We're still made to act like him in this world, to be a reflection of his love in this world. And yet in a That's why he says to the man, right? He says, And you're going to have to do that because you need to feed your family. And that's the point. I was paraphrasing a little. I mean, this was the message version of the Bible, I think. But there's this piece right here that is good because why? Man, you have to learn. You have to learn that love from now on will involve sacrifice. There was a moment when that serpent approached your bride and you weren't willing to stand in the way. There was a moment when the serpent approached the bride and you weren't willing to lay down your life. There was a moment when sacrifice could have changed everything, but you weren't willing to do it. But you're still made for love. You are still made for love. And you can't escape the fact that your vocation is to love, your destiny, the reason why you exist is to love. I think it's remarkable because one of the very next things that happens is God demonstrating this. So in verse 21 of chapter 3, it says, as God is following Adam and Eve out of the garden. I don't know if you've ever noticed that. He puts the angel guarding the tree of life. But God follows Adam and Eve into the wilderness. He doesn't stay secluded in Eden, in paradise. He goes with them into the wilderness. And in verse 21, it says this. It says, for the man and his wife, the Lord God made leather garments with which he clothed them. Question, how do you get leather garments? You have to kill something. Something has to die. And God's revealing this. From now on, love involves sacrifice. Basically, here we are in this world that is still beautiful, but broken. Here you are, beautiful, but broken. We realize if I'm going to love, it's going to cost. Now, I mentioned, I shared this with some people in the past. And I got an email from a young woman who was like, but do I have to? Because her experience was like, no, love should just be free. Love should be easy. Love should be, I should only give what I want to give. And I understand that. Let me rephrase. And I understand that lie. But think about this. At the end of our lives, we will be judged on love alone. And how often do I not love because I just don't have the time? Even taking the time to love someone involves cost, involves sacrifice. I can't do what I want to do because this person deserves my love. I can't do what I want to do because this person needs my love. From now on, love is actually just going to cost. And the crazy thing, the remarkable thing, the Christian, part of the Christian message is what? Is that to love us, it's even going to cost God himself. I don't know if you've ever, if you've ever prayed about that, if you've ever just sat with that for a while. I know for us, you know, if we're going to love God, it costs something, you know, it costs us, again, our time, it costs us our treasure, costs our talent, whatever those things are. It costs us something. But you realize that to love us, it costs God something. To love you, it costs God something. But it's something he's, but it's a price he wants to pay. We know in John's gospel, after Pilate has Jesus scourged, John recounts this moment where, because Pilate brought him out before the crowd. And he's been flogged. He's wearing a crown of thorns. He has a purple robe. And Pilate utters these words that are just so profound, he doesn't even realize what he's saying. And he says the words in Latin, ecce homo, or behold the man. And in this moment, we have to ask the question, what do we see? When we behold Jesus, scourged, behold Jesus, behold Jesus, crown of thorns, behold Jesus with his brow marked by sweat amid thorns and thistles, what do we see? You know, St. Paul writing to the second Corinthians chapter four, he says that the glory of God is revealed in the face of Jesus Christ. The glory of God is revealed in the face of Jesus Christ. But which face? I have the sense that the glory of God, the beauty of God, the power of God, the awesomeness of God is revealed in the beaten, humiliated, crowned with thorns face of Jesus. Why? Because remember what St. Paul wrote to the Romans chapter five, where St. Paul, he makes it very clear. He says, you know, for a good person, maybe someone would find the courage to die for a person. Sidebar, none of us are good. We have all gone astray like sheep. Every one of us following our own way. Every one of us creating idols for ourselves. Every one of us saying, no, no, no, I'm going to be the God of my own life. St. Paul says, but for a good person, you maybe you'd find someone who had the courage to die. But he says these lines, he writes these lines and he says, but God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. If we want to see what love looks like, if we want to see what love costs, God proves his love for us, not simply by healing, not simply by teaching, not simply by preaching, but by allowing himself to be overwhelmed by death. Why? Because loving you costs that much. Do you realize loving you costs that much? No, I, I can hear that and be like, I don't, I'd rather, no Jesus. I'm from Minnesota. We're like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, thanks. No, thanks. You know, in Minnesota, if you, if you ever want to give something to a Minnesotan, you have to offer at least three times. We are trained in Minnesota to say no. Somebody, hey, you want something to drink? No, no, I'm good. No, no, seriously, I'll get you something to drink. No, I'm fine. I'm getting something right now. Okay, fine. How much more when the Lord God himself says, will you give me permission to love you in your brokenness? Nah, I'm good. What will it cost? It'll cost my everything. It'll cost my entire life. Why would anyone ever reject that kind of love? Because it's too much. It's too much. But it's, this is, there's no more powerful witness. But it's this kind of powerful witness that we need. Why? Because we live in a world that's beautiful, but broken. And we need this kind of witness because there's nothing else that testifies to the goodness of God, the beauty of God, the power of God, than the fact that the face of God has been marred by his own sweat, a broken nose, a gash in his cheek, a spear in his side. There's a priest in our diocese. His name is Father Ben. Father Ben, I met Father Ben when he was like 17, 18 years old. And, and I think I was a deacon. And, and Father Ben was, he just, man, this kid was like 120 miles an hour. This guy was on fire. He was a runner, triathlete, and went, he was on his way to college. And he was like, yeah, Father Mike, or Deacon Mike at the time, he's like, Deak. He called me Deak. Deak. So like, yeah, I'm going to get to this Catholic school in our diocese and I'm going to make it Catholic. I'm going to like turn that place around. I'm like, okay, 18 year old, go for it, Ben. You know, he went to this school and it was funny because all four years, first he was raw and he was really like, oh, don't do it like that. And then he like actually made some changes. He made friends with the administration, even all these people he was butting heads against. Then he went into the seminary and, and Ben was just an incredible seminarian, incredible priest. I remember when he first got ordained, it was just one of those remarkable things of just, here's this man who is not only in love with the Lord, he is on fire for evangelization. He just, every parish he went into, he's just like, how do we bring as many people to Jesus as possible? And also, as I said, he was a runner. He would, his, his goal was to run Grandma's Marathon from when he was 17 years old, when he first ran his first Grandma's Marathon until the end of his life. He said, I want to be one of those people that runs Grandma's Marathon every single summer. And he did. He was 31 years old. It was a Saturday and that Saturday morning he had competed and won a triathlon in the town where he was a pastor, International Falls, Minnesota. And he's driving away from the race back to his rectory and he didn't feel well and so he drove himself to the hospital and that's when Father Ben had his first stroke at the age of 31. He was in the hospital for months. He retaught himself how to read by reading the Bible. Every day, another brother priest, Father Rich, would do all of his priestly duties in his parish and then go down to Father Ben's hospital room and celebrate Mass with Father Ben, just helping him out. Father Ben, like, battled back. Incredible, incredible guy. Battled back, became pastor again in International Falls. After all this rehab, it just like, I mean, he kind of missed a step, you know, a little slower. But just like, same zeal, same fire, same just Father Ben just after it saying, I want to bring as many people to Jesus as possible. And then about two years ago, Father Ben had another stroke that was absolutely debilitating. In the last two years, Father Ben has struggled to learn how to walk again. He can. He has no feeling in his left arm. Every time I see him, it's like, Father Mike, I'm on day 302. But he also reminds me that he's not only doing Bible in a year, he's doing Bible in half a year. So he does the Bible in a year podcast, but then he does his own reading plan where he reads the Bible in half a year because he can't get enough scripture. And this man who needs help to get dressed, this man who needs help to take a shower, this man who needs help to be a priest, wants nothing more in his life than to be a priest. We had two men get ordained this past summer. And one of these men's Mass of Thanksgiving, a brother of ours, got up and he said, Father Daniel, it was Father Daniel's first Mass. And he said, I wish that Father Mike and Father Ben were here at this Mass because I'm going to talk about both of them. And I want you to know that I love both of them, that Father Mike and Father Ben are both my brothers. But he turned to this young man who had just been ordained and he said, but Father Daniel, Father Mike is not the image of priesthood that you want to model after. He said, we're glad he's in our diocese and I love him very much. But that's not the image of priesthood you should model your life after. Father Ben, that's the image of priesthood you should model your life after. And I wholeheartedly agree. We realize, we realize that the moment that most fully reveals God's goodness and his power and his love for us is not when Jesus was healing as many people as came to him, was not the moment when Jesus was transfigured on the Mount of Transfiguration. The moment God reveals his power and his glory and his love for us is the moment when he is absolutely weakest. And he still says, for you, and I would do it for you a thousand times over, but are we willing to stop and look at that, the face of Jesus? Are we willing to behold the man? I mean truly, to truly behold his gaze? Because that can't be hurried. Sister Wendy is, she was a, she was a hermit. She was a nun and she passed away not too long ago. But she was an art critic, art historian, art expert. And I was listening to an interview that she was giving to Bill Moyers back in the day. And she said that when she goes to a museum, he says, how many art pieces do you look at every time you go to the museum? And she said, oh no, I look at maybe one or two. He says, but there's a whole museum full of art. She says, yeah, but you can only take in one or two at a time. Then it can't be hurried. Love can't be hurried. To behold the gaze of Jesus, it can't be hurried, but it has to happen. There's a young woman named Jane. Jane was raised in a Christian home and she, when she graduated high school, she went to a Christian school. And she was a singer. She loved singing. She was encouraged by her, the faculty on campus to try out for all the different singing groups. And she did, and she didn't make any of them, but they just kept encouraging her that you're good, but just you'd get better. And so she just sang around campus, off campus. And she grew up in Ohio, but she had gone to Virginia for school. She kind of developed this kind of small following in Virginia in the area. She cut a couple albums and had some reasonable success there just as a professional singer. After doing that for a couple of years, she moved back to Ohio just to kind of like regroup and just kind of get off the road and kind of not live that life for a little bit. And once she got off the road back in Ohio, she met a man and he was a musician as well. They fell in love. They got married to each other. And Jane said that, you know, kind of an artist way, she said, I want to be a truth teller. I want to be a hope holder. I want to be a strength sharer. That sounds very poetic, right? Very much like a song writer. I want to be a truth teller, a hope holder, a strength sharer. Jane wanted to be a star. She wanted people to be able to see her. And as a Christian, she said, I want people to be able to see me and be like, oh my gosh, how amazing is God? I want people to be able to see me and hear my voice and say, oh my gosh, how amazing is God? And then she developed stage three breast cancer. She went through all the chemo, kind of just like my mom. And after a year, she was declared cancer free. I get back to life now was the thought. But a month or three later, they found the cancer had come back, but not just breast cancer, also on her spine and her lungs. And doctors gave her a 2% chance of living. Jane, as a unique young woman, she said, okay, 2% is not a lot, but it's more than 0%. A couple of days after this, her husband of five years left her. Here's Jane, cancer all over her body, abandoned. She heard about experimental treatment out in California, so she said, why not try it? And she went out to California. And what'd she say? She said, after the doctor told me I was dying, and after the man I married said he didn't love me anymore, I chased a miracle in California. And 16 weeks later, I got it. Cancer was gone. But when my brain caught up with it all, something broke. She said, I later found out that all the tragedy at once had caused a physical head trauma. My brain was now sending false signals of excruciating pain and panic. So she goes on to say, I spent three months propped against the wall. On nights that I could not sleep, I laid in the tub like an insect, staring at my reflection in the shower knob. I vomited until I was hollow. I rolled up under my robe on the tile. The bathroom floor became my place to hide, where I could scream and be ugly, where I could sob and spit and eventually doze off, happy to be asleep, even with my head on the toilet. To behold the face of Jesus is not a romanticized face of Jesus. To truly behold the face of Jesus means that we actually look at the ugliness, we look at the brokenness. To truly behold the face of Jesus means we have to look at a cradle that was in a cave. To behold the face of Jesus means we have to look at the body that was on a cross. I think Carl Jung once said that one of the problems with modern man, the reason modern man can't see God is because he won't look low enough. Because where does God go? He goes to the pain. He goes to the lowest spot. I mean, from the very beginning, all the way to the very end. The very beginning, what does Jesus do? He goes, when he becomes a carnet and he's given, when Mary gives birth on Christmas, he's giving birth, she's giving birth in a cave. When Jesus makes his public appearance, where does he make his public appearance? At the Jordan River. You know the Jordan River, that dead sea, right north of the dead sea, that is literally the lowest spot on the face of the earth. But Jesus, after he's crucified, he's put down back into a cave. And what does he do for three days after he dies? He descends to the abode of the dead. There is no depth to which our God is not willing to go. Because apparently, love now costs something. And apparently, God says that you're worth that cost. What does the gaze of Jesus look like? Just to pause for a second, what would it be like to look at the eyes of Jesus? There is nothing that the eyes of Jesus have not seen. I know this is true for me. In my shame, I want to hide. In my brokenness, I want to hide. I was naked. I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself. But when we look at the eyes of Jesus, there is nothing the eyes of Jesus haven't seen. There's nowhere he hasn't looked. In fact, the incarnation says what? There's no darkness that God has not entered into. The darkness of the cave in Bethlehem. The darkness of the cave in Jerusalem. The darkness of the abode of the dead. There is no place, there's no darkness that our God has not yet entered into. There is nothing that the eyes of Jesus have not seen. So why not let him see us? Because here's the thing, we can say behold the man, and we do. We look upon him, we look upon his gaze, but there's this other word, to behold and to be held. This is the secret for the Christian life in so many ways. To behold God and to behold what it costs him to love us, but also to be held by him. The problem is I'm not willing to do either sometimes. The problem is I'm not willing to take the time to behold him. I don't have room to behold him. I can't be bothered to behold him. And then also I'm too ashamed to be held by him. I'm too self-willed to be held by him. I'm too stupid to be held by him. I'm too broken to be held by him. Jane, she said, she wrote, she said, I've had cancer three times now and I'm barely past 30. She says, there are times when I wonder what I must have done to deserve such a story. She said, I fear that some, I fear sometimes that when I die and meet God, that he'll say I disappointed him or offended him or I failed him. Maybe he'll just say that I never learned the lesson or that I wasn't grateful enough. But one thing I am know for sure is this, he can never say that he did not know me. One thing he can never say is that he did not know me. Why? She says, because I'm God's downstairs neighbor banging on the ceiling with a broomstick. I show up at his door every day, sometimes with songs, sometimes with curses, sometimes with apologies, sometimes with gifts, sometimes questions, sometimes demands, and sometimes I use my key under the mat to let myself in. And other times I sulk outside until he opens the door to me himself. And she lets herself be held. This is the secret. Every one of us, beautiful but broken. Every one of us, good but broken. In this world that is beautiful but broken. In this world that is good but broken. Do we have the courage to behold the gaze of Jesus? And do we have the humility to be held by Jesus? If I don't, I can never be that saint he wants me to be. If I don't, I'll never be a son. I'll just be, I'll have a father but I'll be living as an orphan. If I don't behold him and be held by him, I will always have a father but I'll be living as an orphan. Jane had wanted her life. She wanted people to see her and say, oh my gosh, she's amazing. How great is God? She wanted people to hear her voice and be able to say, oh my gosh, here's this woman. She's incredible. How great is God? Two summers ago, Jane went on America's Got Talent. She went on as her, she had like a pseudonym, a stage name. She got her stage name because for three nights in a row, she would have a dream that she was in the middle of the night that she was hearing birds singing and she'd wake up and it was the middle of the night and birds would be singing. She's like, that's so weird. Birds shouldn't sing at night. They should sing when dawn comes but she said, these nightbirds, they're birds that are willing to sing about the dawn while it's still dark and so her stage name is Nightbird, which I think is dumb but that's okay. I mean, it's kind of weird. I don't know. I mean, I like the story behind it but it's, why not Jane? Jane's fine. She went on America's Got Talent and she sang her song that she had written about her life and about the Lord and about being God's downstairs neighbor. When the panel of judges got done listening to her, Simon said, I'm sorry, I can't, I can't send you to the next round and he leaned all the way across the desk and he sent her all the way to the final round, gave her the golden buzzer. The next day, Jane had the number one song in the world on iTunes. It's been downloaded millions of times and not only is Jane's music out in the world, Jane's story is out into the world and people asked her about it and she said this. She said, Jane, you're a star now. People all know your name and they all know about God because of you and the irony wasn't lost on her. She said, I thought it would be sparklier than this. She said, I didn't imagine standing before the world with so many bruises. I didn't expect that my shining moment, in my shining moment, I'd be suffering in front of an audience. I've always expected miracles but I thought the miracle would be that I could skip to the end, pain-free. I thought the miracle would make me scar-free and brand new. Jane died last summer but before she died, she said this. She said, I did get a miracle, just not the one I wanted. I get to look for the light and find it. I get to see how much love can endure and I get to walk the journey with thousands of people like me who can't stop hoping no matter how hard they try. How can someone live like that? How can someone die like that? There is only one way. There's only one way and it's not by being superhuman. It's not by being scar-free. It's not by having no suffering. It's about saying, okay God, in my suffering, I'm going to take time to behold you. And in my shame, I'm going to let myself be held by you. Every person in this room tonight, God declares, I know you. You are beautiful and broken. God declares his love over you, declaring you are worth my death. You're worth my broken heart. You're worth what it cost me to love you. So why won't you behold me? Why won't you let yourself be held by me? This last thing. God is closest to us in our pain. God is closest to us in our brokenness. God is closest to us in the shadow parts of our hearts. But if we're too busy, if those lives are too full, if we're just moving too fast, if we're too much in a hurry, then we'll miss out on the entire point of life. The entire point of life to have a heart like his. The entire point of life is to share that heart with the people around us. The entire point of life, which is you didn't lose your beauty when you got broken. You didn't cease to be good when everything broke. But you and I will never be, never be whole unless we let God into the brokenness, unless we let God into the shame, until we behold his gaze and let ourselves be held in his arms. Amen.