Healing Journey After Satanic Lies Led to Deep Depression, Suicide Attempt - Jenita Pace

20 years ago, Janita Pace went through such a deep depression that she attempted suicide and ended up hospitalized. It's been a long journey, but now she is a therapist, speaker, and professor. She provides individual counseling to teens and adults, and she teaches Intro to Psychology and Lifespan Psychology for the University of Northwestern. This is the Counterculture Mom Show. I'm your host, Tina Griffin. Suicide prevention is the theme of the week. I'm with therapist and professor Janita Pace. Janita, how you doing, girl? Oh, it's so great to be here, Tina. I'm so excited, and I'm so excited to see what God will do just in the next time that we're together. Let's do this. So hearts and minds and hopefully thought processes, if people are tuning into this right now and they're depressed right now and they are thinking about suicide, that their whole mind will be changed in the next powerful 22 minutes because Satan is out there to kill, steal, and destroy. God has come, but there may be life. And man, girl, you were at death's doorstep, major. Today you're married to a pastor, you have two teen sons, as well as a sheep a doodle named Charlotte. How cool is that? Look at this. So things are looking good, your sister. What personal experiences led you to where you are now? Take us back to the suicide time. Did you attempt? Was it multiple attempts? What happened? Did someone find you? Was it a mind thing where you stopped yourself in time? Did God intervene? Do tell. You know, I think what's so amazing when I look back is that the road to a suicide attempt is typically gradual. And for anyone listening, you're meant to be here. And I want you to hear my voice that I tell my clients, if I could be saved and become a therapist, then God can do anything. And for me, it was a slippery slope into believing a very powerful lie that I was not worth it, that I was not contributing. As a Christian, I wasn't doing enough and God could never use me and I was a burden. And you get to such a dark place, I describe it as like breaking both of your arms and falling into a well and you can't find your way out. And you don't want to ask others to help you because you feel like, wow, you don't want to And so I did attempt and my husband, you know, he miraculously came home. He had forgotten something. I had planned the whole thing and walked in on me. And that's how I ended up in the hospital. Oh my word. So you guys were married at the time. How old were your kids? This was after we got married, but we hadn't had kids yet. So he was a young pastor, his first pastoral job. And I just felt, unfortunately at that time, the church didn't necessarily understand mental health. And so we faced a lot of judgment from our church family at that time. And so it was a very isolating, isolating period of my life, but God really put me in the hospital. Oh my gosh. Okay. We have to talk about that. You would think that if you attempted suicide and survived with the miraculous busting in the door there with your husband, who forgot something, which is totally God ordained, that he forgot it. It's like everything was orchestrated perfectly in this situation. You would think that the church would wrap their loving arms around a person, say, your worth, your life is worth living. What got to this point? How can we help you not isolate you, which is how you felt to begin with, to get to the point of suicide? It's mind blowing to me why people, and this is what I've been learning from even the previous yesterday's tapings, and we talked to a couple of different experts on different topics, is why people, if they're afraid to deal with something hard, they avoid it instead of getting in the mix and trying to help. So the anxiety goes down. There's less suicide attempts. Let's just dig in deep and solve the root of the problem instead of avoiding it, which causes more roots to grow. So that I will never understand. I'm the kind of person where that's a problem. Let's solve it and let's move on, even if the solving might take a while. Can you go back to that day when your husband came home? He was a young pastor at the time. What did he forget? Well, it's funny because this is going to age us. At that time, he forgot his pager. Oh my gosh. You know his beeper? You know how you had those? Oh yeah. Clip to the Waste Man. I remember those. Beep, beep, beep. For you young listeners, this is pre-cell phones. Oh my gosh. Well, I just flashed up on the screen what a pager looks like. So the kids can be like, Mom, what's that? From 1960? Close, but not quite that old. So he forgot his pager, and here the Lord was saying page 911, basically. He was bringing you back in the mix with your husband rescuing you. What did you try to do to kill yourself, if you don't mind me asking? Sure, you can ask anything. I'm an open book. I had decided to overdose, and that was my plan. I had written a letter, and I know that I hear people say things like suicide is so selfish, but anybody who's been at that point, you really believe. It's a scary lie. You really believe that you're actually being unselfish. Yes, the drama chaos is gone. No one will have to deal with your fill in the blank, and you're gone. Unreal. Not so much, I don't want to feel like this. Don't want to go through this anymore, so I'm going to take myself out. It's the opposite. You don't want anyone else to have to deal with your issues. Yeah, and I have had people say they're in so much mental pain that death seems like it's the only hope out. But I do tell parents, and I hope they understand, and any Christian I work with, there's a big difference between wanting to die versus wanting to kill yourself. There's a big difference there. You know, sometimes we don't want to live anymore. Paul says that in the word that he remained for the Philippians, but he didn't, you know, he didn't want to live anymore. He was tired. But that's very different than where I got, which was I think that I actively need to remove myself. I need to, you know, free my husband from the burden of having a depressed wife, and I need to, you know, I don't no longer have a place in this world. And that's a very scary, that's a very scary mental state to be in. What was your husband's immediate response when he saw you? Did you have a couple pills already down? Did you have, we were just starting to, about to throw them down your throat? Like, because my husband tried a suicide attempt before we met, and he took over a hundred ton of pills. It was bad. Wow, I'm so sorry. I, and I'm sure you, you're, and my husband could talk about what it's like to want, you know, to picture what you wouldn't have your spouse being gone. I had not yet, I mean, he got there just at the right time. I had not taken them yet, and he started crying. I started crying. It was just a moment of real brokenness, real brokenness. Real. Can you look me in the eye? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that I shouldn't exist? That I should be dead? That I deserve to die that day? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that my very survival was a mistake? A terrible toll on society? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that in my most vulnerable state, I was nothing more than a parasite? A collection of body parts? Subhuman? Worthless? 1952, I survived multiple abortion attempts. DNC abortion. An instrument abortion. DNC abortion. An instrument of abortion. A vacuum aspiration. A saline and fusion abortion that was meant to poison and scald me to death. I am face of choice. I am that choice. These are actual human beings who survived abortion procedures when they were still in their mother's wombs. These are the eyes, voices, and faces of choice. Choice is not merely a word. Choice is a person. Learn their stories. Janita, like normal, it seems like the Lord has a pattern and that pattern is rescue someone right before they're about to be like, that's it, I'm done type of deal. He rescued you through your moment in time where your husband came in right before you're about to pop the pills. And then God also got a hold of your heart when you were being hospitalized on your basically one foot in the grave deathbed scenario. My main question for the Lord someday when I see him is, why do you tend to wait last minute? And he's like, Tina, you should know that answer. I want you fully reliant on me. So take us back to, and it does make for a better story, doesn't it? You're hospitalized, almost dead, and then God comes and rescues you. Tell us about that hospitalization string of events. Did your husband immediately call 911? You got taken in. How many days were you there and what happened? He took me straight to the hospital and I was admitted and I was there 10 days. And it was the longest 10 days of my life. And I think what's so powerful now about being a therapist, and I wrote a devotional to walk people through this when they're in the middle of it, because I really struggled to find resources that understood me. And it's incredibly powerful when you've walked the path, because then when you are joining someone in their own nightmare, you can say, no, I really understand. I really do. Because being in the hospital is the experience I've been through in my life. I mean, you really do lose connection with the outside world. And I know that, you know, hospitals are doing the best with what they can. But honestly, it's a time of isolation from your world. And in that time, God just continued to bring Psalm 121 to my mind. And Psalm 121 is where God talks about, look to the hills, where does your help come from? And the part of that Psalm that really spoke the most to me was that God doesn't slumber or sleep, but he watches over us. So he's awake 24 hours a day. And I needed that because especially the nights were scary. And I didn't know what was going to happen to me. And when I got out, my biggest fear was, everybody knows, everybody knows that this, I've done this. And now I'm looked at as broken goods. And that was hard to come back from. It's so wild that how Satan, I want to dig into this a little bit. This is exactly how my husband felt. And I think he was in the hospital for about the same amount of time. He took over a hundred Tylenol pills. He should have been dead. He was up in some mountains in South Carolina, went back home, was about to pull the trigger of a gun they had in their apartment. Him and a couple of guys lived there. And his brother was literally, I'm hearing from God that night, it was a Friday night. They were all going to go out and hang out. And the Lord told him, stay home. And so his brother stayed home. Luke pulled into the yard, doesn't remember the drive because he just took over a hundred Tylenol pills, some vodka, and was literally ready to die. Thought he would die. And as he was grabbing the gun, Nate was there and stopped him from taking his life. And the ER that picked him up and took him to the hospital, he was there for a long stint, seven to 10 days. They said another 15 minutes, your liver would have shut down. And when he got out of there, the same message in his brain, damaged goods, who's going to love me, embarrassment. So it's like Satan took you through or tried to take your life. And then when you get out of it and God rescues, Satan is now warping people's minds saying you're damaged goods. When in reality, what Satan meant for evil, God means for good. That very survival situation of how God rescued you out of that mire, muck and death is your testimony to help so many other people. That's your gold. And yet Satan here is trying to tell you a lie so you wouldn't realize the gold you're now sitting on. That is unbelievable. At the same time, it tells me that God has and is doing something mighty with your life because you turn to Christ and not believe the lies. Unbelievable. Everybody out there who tried suicide and survived or thinking about suicide, I'm telling you, it's because you're a target and a threat to Satan himself. That means there's something in you massive that God wants to use to save so many people's lives around you. You've got gold in you. Find out what that is, that mission and purpose. Unreal. How did you go from the damaged goods mentality to, uh-uh, the Lord has me, I'm alive and awake. Tell us about some of the key moments during your recovery where God's like, I've got a plan and purpose to where it went from the wrong way of thinking, leaving the hospital, to now doing what you're doing today as a therapist. How did you change your thoughts and your mind and not let Satan have an inch in there? I would love to say that it was quick, but one of the things I'm going to ask God when I get to heaven is, why are you so slow? In my definition, you are taking way too long. I mean, this has been 23 years in the making, but I have to say that as I look back, it was so gradual. I still had times when I probably should have gone back to the hospital for reevaluation. It was a long process, but through it, both my husband and I, you know, inch by inch, you start understanding the reality of the truth that because you're a believer, you carry the very presence of God in you, and your presence is needed. Even if you never do as much as you think you should, just your presence, you're carrying Jesus. And I started to see more and more how the church was misunderstanding mental health and maybe God could use someone like me who had been there. And what was even more beautiful is now my husband, you know, we've got an interview on our YouTube channel, we've done some work together as a couple to even help couples talk about how does the spouse get support, because they usually don't get as much prayer as the person who's attempted. How do we surround the family? And you know, Tim had to get his own therapist and he had to get his own support group, so how do we minister to the families, and how do we support everyone involved? Because it's traumatizing for anyone close to it. Absolutely correct, and I have something to say about that, and I feel bad because I love when the guest comes on and talks most of it, and I'm like, there's 50 things in my guts that I want to get out. Absolutely correct, the person like your spouse who did not attempt a suicide, but witnessed your almost success in it, not only that traumatic instance, but all of the months and years after that, while you're healing and getting your mind right and heart right with the Lord, and dealing with trauma from the past, whatever caused the person to get to the suicide attempt, that takes a lot of time, where the spouse isn't getting their needs met from the other spouse that's going through everything, and then it like catastrophically has an effect on your marriage, and that other spouse needs to still be loving towards the person that tried the suicide attempt, to be the loving support system, even though a lot of their needs aren't met as a result. I could plug Luke and I into this scenario so well right now, I can't shed a tear because I have more episodes to shoot, but I will say this, and I knew the Lord wanted me to share it on an episode up and coming, didn't know which one, it's yours. If there is something catastrophic, everybody tuning in right now, hear me very clearly, if there is something catastrophic going on in your marriage right now, in a close relationship, and it's something that another person, not you, is going through, and you need help, hope, healing, and you are reaching out to both sides of your family, let's say, and neither one is helping you get out of that horrific scenario, hear me clearly, you must go get outside help. Marriage, yes, is hard work, but it should not be where you feel hopeless, depressed, suicidal, it's never going to get better. Your kids are involved in all that. If you have kids, they see it. You must keep looking for someone outside that can help you and say, here's what you need to do. Don't think and have a little string of hope of the potential of what might be, you don't know how long it's going to take, and you don't want yourself to die in the process. Someday, when Luke and I are fully healed with the catastrophic mess of our 19 years of marriage, I will absolutely say so many things that I wish I would have done different, but when you're in it, it's very hard to see clearly, you start justifying what's going to get better, I just got to hang in. Absolutely not get the help you need, that's all I have to say. And if you're the person that is thinking about suicide, please go get help. And if you know someone that's suicidal, talking about it, take them serious. Yeah, go get help. Absolutely go get help. And you're alive today because of where you are today to help all the other people that you're currently helping. God caused somehow your husband to forget his pager. Yes, yes. And caused him to say, I got to do a U-turn and go get it. He could have just said, hey, I don't need it today. Right, it's just, and you know, the other hero of my story is when I got out of the hospital, I had so many messages from people wanting to know what happened, are they okay? And, but I had, you know, I'd read Psalm 121 the whole time I was in the hospital. And one message caught my attention. It was from a college professor named Steve Bradley. And he just left this message and said, Janita, I woke up last night and I just felt like I should read Psalm 121 to you. And that was, I still cry about that. And that was just a moment to know God was still in it. Yes. For over six years, I've been sounding the alarm regarding the dangers of EMF exposure, primarily coming from the towers that were implemented during the pandemic. I've interviewed countless experts on the show that confirm my research. 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The number one lie was that I was not worth it and God could never use me. And Ephesians 2.10 goes to the core of that. That we are a piece of art created by God. I was trying to say this. Created by God as a masterpiece. And art, we don't look at art to have it do something for us. It's just beautiful as it is. So you are beautiful. You don't need to earn that. It just is. And your testimony is your story to help free other people. That's what people have to look at. The more dented, scratched, beat up you look, the better because you have more info to give to everybody out there of what you've survived. Once we see that, it's like a no-brainer. Now, if they want to get help, reach out to you. Go to threeriversmn.com. That's Three Rivers Counseling. Tell us what's on this fantastic site, girl. I've got information on the book. There's also a group guide. So if you want to, again, I'm all about community. If you want to take my book and do it as a group, I highly recommend that. And it's even good for teenagers. Then there's a video with my story on there. There's a lot more to my story that you can take a look at. And then there should be links to where you can buy the book. And I also do speaking engagements. So if people want to have me come and talk about this in person with their church or with their community, I love meeting believers and helping people through this. You are absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much for jumping in the mix. Once again, everybody, this fantastic site. Go there now if you're struggling, if you know someone who is. Threeriversmn.com. Get connected with Janita. You are a fantastic human being. Thank God your husband jumped in the mix in the nick of time. Everybody out there, don't let Satan have one foothold into your life trying to snuff it out. Obviously, if you have those thoughts, it means a target's on your head because you're a threat to Satan himself, which means you've got gold. Go get the gold, get the help you need, and help many other people out of the muck and mire. Janita, you rock. Keep at it, sister.