She Hated Religion—Then God Came Back Into Her Life | Kathryn Burgum | American Recovery

My childhood in general, grade school, and probably before that, had a lot of trauma. I went to a Catholic grade school that was very physically and emotionally abusive, you know, priests that were the same, you know, believed that Catholicism was all about judgment and shame and guilt. And so I had that at school, and then I had the same at home. And what that did to me was create a lot of voices in my head about, I'm not good enough, you know, I needed to be perfect. I kept thinking if I were perfect, I wouldn't be, I mean, really humiliated, shamed, you know, and I didn't really realize how much that trauma has affected me my whole life. And I, there's different levels of trauma, which I did some research on because I'm like, okay, you know, people grow up with shame, you know, there's something called toxic shame. And I don't know, have you heard of it? Yeah. I lived it. Yeah, same. I mean, it's, it's, you know, people who have a regular shame, it's like, I did something bad, and I'm ashamed of that. People who have toxic shame, I am that, you know, and that, that becomes part of your you know, part of your nervous system. It's your identity. It's your identity, yeah. And so then you go through life thinking that, I'm not good enough, I'm bad, I'm, you know, and then just generates into a lot of things, how you attach to people, all of that. And so for me, that's what happened in my childhood, you know, so then I, you know, moved into high school and I, like I said, I had friends on the outside, it looked like it had, I had everything. You know, my, my, my family, we didn't do anything unless it involved alcohol. There was all, you know, we just couldn't think of, you know, everything my parents didn't took us to and, and relatives and everything was always about alcohol. So you were always around it. It was always around, yep. But yet it was, you know, the, the, the message of the kids was don't ever do this, you know, but you know, we do it, you know, all night long after work and, you know, too, you know, hungover to get up in the morning and stuff like that. So, but anyway, in high school, I had all these voices in my head. I was at a party when I was in ninth grade and I, I had my first drink in high school and all of those voices in my head telling me I was bad and not good enough and went away. And I thought it was going to be the answer, the complete answer to all my problems. So you had a lot of what a lot of what people have described before as like a white light experience, but with booze. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Uh, you know, so I drank in high school and then I had my first blackout in high school and then I was a blackout drinker from then on, you know, I, I went to college. I chose what I did in school based on the opportunity to have, you know, alcohol available, go to parties, you know, it wasn't about meeting friends and learning and education. It was really more about the party and you know, I believe that, you know, I, I was destined to be, you know, um, uh, have the disease of addiction. I was destined to have that in my life. I don't believe, cause I believe addiction is a chronic disease and I think, you know, there's three ways that really it shows up in your life and, and, and one is because you've had trauma. Another is because it's in your DNA. And the third way is you have both. So what about for you then? How, how did, how did addiction first enter your life? Did you notice just from the first white light experience or were there things along the way that kind of led to the dominoes falling? Well, uh, it, you know, it, when I took that first drink, it was like that, that was the answer. I didn't care about the blackouts. I wanted that feeling all the time. You know, I was not comfortable just being me, you know, I, I had shame and guilt every morning when I, you know, when I woke up, it was like, I'm not good. The first thought, I'm not good enough, you know, there's something wrong with me. Um, so to live with that every day, you know, it's sort of like when you have that thing that takes that away and you feel, you feel no stress and anxiety, you know, so, so the rest of my life, you know, for the next 20 years from college on, I was, you know, trying not to drink too much so that I could get to work, you know, you know, I had all kinds of things happen in my life. I had a DUI, um, so you're experiencing a manageability through that, right? That's why I love why one of our more popular recovery programs out there talks about, you know, you can't really diagnose somebody in the, as an alcoholic necessarily. They have to kind of figure it out for themselves and right at the top of the order is, is my life unmanageable because of this, right? Right. And you're saying that you had to manage yourself by how drunk am I going to get? Do I have to stop so I can drive to work and it becomes a full-time job, does it not? Right. Managing the unmanageable. Totally. It's like everything was like, you know, and I did, I thought that was like normal. People were like, Oh, every thought in my brain is related to, can I drink enough? You know, how do I still function? How do I pretend to everybody I'm not drunk? Oh, you shouldn't drive. Oh no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Because if I say that, it means I'm not drunk and you know, I'm putting so many people in danger. But you know, the great acronym for fine, right? Freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Yeah. I like that one too. So what was there, was there a specific moment in your life that you recognized unmanageability manifest? Yes. Um, well after I got that first DUI, I had to take, uh, the first, I only have one, but it was in a city where they publish DUIs in the paper, that public shaming thing. And I'm sure that did wonders for your inner voice already. Yeah. Right. And, uh, but I worked in a company where they're drinking was a big part of the culture. I mean, I had to go in and tell my boss, um, you're going to read about this in the paper. I got a DUI. And he's like, do you know how many times I could have gotten a DUI? Everybody here could have had, you know, it was like, yeah. Um, but I also, this company where I worked, I was the human resources manager. I was drug testing people. I was firing people because of that. It was a printing company with three shifts. We printed little cards. Someone that, that, that, uh, notice came out in the paper of my DUI. Someone blew that up and posted it all over the company where I worked. So my life was becoming more and more unmanageable, um, in terms of just trying to stay above water. Mostly though, when I looked in the mirror, I just, I just hated who I was and mostly because I, you know, I was having all these episodes of not remembering, you know, where I was, how I got there, you know, and people saying to me, Oh my God, you know, it's just like this life of, you know, not being real and not being honest, you know, having to hide everything and lie and couldn't really have relationships because you didn't really want the person to really know you only hanging out with people that drank at least as much as I did or more. And you know, just really my whole life revolved around alcohol. I was functioning, still had a job, but you know, it was holding me back from being able to really reach my full potential. Yeah. It's interesting when you say that you were functioning because it's just like a light bulb went off in my head that most times when people use that phrase in conjunction together, functional alcoholic, the first thing they mention is that I went to, I went to work and it's so funny that that is what it seems like people barometer for what a functioning human being is not. Am I happy? Am I joyous? Am I of service? What does my connection to something greater than myself look like? Like none of those things that I go to work, so it's just, I was just listening to you and I'm like, yeah, I can relate to every single thing that you said. What was your rock bottom moment that, that got you sort of shifting into the mindset of I need to make a change in my life? Yeah. Um, well what happened was, you know, I was trying to get sober any way I could. Um, I would, you know, there was an eight year period where I was sober for three months. You know, I was working on a 12 step program, you know, working with other, hanging out with other people focused on, you know, um, how to stay sober and, but I would relapse constantly for eight years. Um, I had depression, untreated depression and I, um, towards the end of my drinking then the last, I was out for a walk outside and I, you know, was thinking, okay, I'm going to try this, I'm going to do that. And this voice popped into my head and said, I get emotional when I talk about this, but um, it was like, cause I didn't have religion. I hated religion, you know, cause what happened in me in my, in my life as a child and this voice popped into my head and said, maybe you should ask for help. So I was like, well, I was, wasn't with anybody. I was alone. And I just said out loud, I don't know if there's anyone there, but I need help. And um, that's a powerful moment. It's powerful. It's very powerful because I've been sober since I said those words. 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