Bert Kreischer on Meeting Jelly Roll, His Worst Panic Attack & Teenie Weenie Peenie Contest

Next guest is this kind of guy who will give you the shirt off of his back, the shirt he's going to be taking off anyways. He is a very funny comedian, currently on his permission to party tour and he set sail on the fully loaded at sea cruise in November. Please, please, please welcome my bubba, Bert Kreischer. So glad Jimmy's not here. Me too. Do you really not get paid for this? No, not at all. What are you talking about? I think it costs me money for what it's worth. You know what's fun? We met each other many moons ago, but more importantly, many, many pounds ago. I think between the two of us, we're down like 800 pounds if you count the times we lost it, gained it back, and lost it again. Maybe a thousand. Yo, dude, I knew fat drug addict Jelly Roll. Yes! Like the kind that you were like, I'm not really sure he's going to wake up, Jelly Roll. No, y'all were really worried about me and rightfully so. I remember you came to my house, and this is when I was doing my podcast on my house, and you've been doing coke the whole night before. You were like shaking. You were like, I could use a drink. I was like, I'm not drinking, but okay. That's what I love about Bert. He will jump off a cliff with you, Kyle. Dude, if you fall off the wagon, I'm the guy you want to fall off with. I'm right there. Even if I'm not drinking, I'll start drinking with you that day. It's happened. Yeah. I always say this, and I know this is going to come out wrong, but I am solely responsible for your weight loss. Listen, listen. No, you're laughing. You're laughing. I'm not screwing around. This might be true, though. This is more true than people would believe. I'm watching Two Bears, One Cave one day. Him and his best friend, Tom Segura, have an incredible podcast. Y'all should check it out. I'm listening to it, and I don't know. I'm probably smoking weed, drinking, and doing cocaine or something, knowing me. I'm listening to it, and he's like, first of all, our whole friendship has been based on saying, wow, and following through with it. Bert's on the pod like, Tom, we should run a 5K in May. Right then, I'm like, if Bert Kreischer is going to get in shape enough to run a 5K, I am too. I grossly underestimated what his 280 and my 550 were, though. I was like, I'm going to get out and start walking on this 5K journey. I signed up for their Two Bears 5K three years ago, and that is what started my weight loss. Hold on. Yes, yes, yes. Jelly has made me so much money. You have no idea. Like, because I met Jelly when he wasn't famous, and then he did all these things when he wasn't famous, and then within my span of knowing him, he got very famous and literally made me so much money. That 5K was going nowhere, right? Jelly's 580. He says he's doing it. People Magazine write it all. All of a sudden, we're at the Rose Bowl. Netflix buys it, and we're like, OK, let's keep doing it. Hold on. Very few people have a dab station on a 5K. That's true. He had a dab, like usually it's water or like electrolytes. He had a dab station. There was a spot halfway through the 5K. So we could get high. You don't want to get high in the middle of a 5K. You don't want to smoke a little weed in the middle of a run. Nobody wants to run sober. And we crossed that 5K line, and you looked at me. We were both crying. We were with our wives. My wife is still mine, but you got whatever. I'm still heartbroken about this, man. I'm still with the same one. It's like everyone's getting new cars, and mine won't start. I'm kidding. She's in the green room. I love you, Leanne. I'm joking. She's in the green room with my daughter, Georgia. I love you guys. I'm joking. I love my car. I love it. I just love it. It's very dependable. It's like a 92 Mercedes, right? Like, if you know cars, you're like, that's not a bad car. Now, does it turn heads in valet? No, not anymore. But it did in 92. It did in 92, and it still does for me. I love her very much. It feels like a great time to ask about your mental health. How's your mental health doing, Bert? You OK? Any good? I'm not like a mental health guy, right? Like, I don't care if you're going through it. But you care if you're going through it. I care if I go through it, yeah. OK, so put it in perspective. I have a blood clot in January that travels to my lungs. Very scary. My tour bus burns down. My dog dies. Everything starts falling apart. And so I have to stop drinking for seven months. And then at the end of seven months, I think I got it all figured out, so I just stopped drinking. But I didn't do any of the work, you know? And then it just showed up, and I started having crazy panic attacks. Like, crazy. Crazy. What was the worst one? I don't want to tell you. Please. You just called your wife a 92 Mercedes. You can tell it's your worst anxiety attack. So bad. Now, OK. OK. I forgot how to yawn. What? You forgot how to yawn? Like, yawning. You know, when you yawn, and you just go, ah. It's like, 3 in the morning, I'm laying in bed, and I'm like, I'm tired. And I go, huh. I was like, wait, how does that happen? And I can't remember how to yawn. If you have panic, you're like, oh, God, what did you do? So I start Googling how to yawn. And now I'm sitting in my bathroom, naked, with my head facing a light, going, leather. Leather. So I wake up Leanne, my 92 Mercedes. Now, I can't tell Leanne about the panic attack, because I know that she's going to go, you can't yawn? So it's 3 in the morning. I wake her up. Bitch yawns right away. I'm like, don't do that. Don't do that. Please don't do that. And then she's walking out front of the yard with me, telling me everything that's real. And I'm melting down. And then she goes, let's breathe. And then Leanne starts breathing better than I am. And now I'm not breathing. She's like a baby beluga, just breathing. I'm freaking out. She goes, what is this about? It's not 4 in the morning. I go, I can't yawn. And then she yawns, because yawning is contagious. The best is, I call my sister the next day. My sister has panic attacks. She goes, how are you doing? I said, oh, it's bad. I've had a panic attack for 24 hours. She goes, what is it? And I go, you're going to laugh at me. She goes, what is it? And I go, I can't remember how to yawn. She doesn't skip a beat. She goes, well, at least your tongue fits in your mouth. I said, what? She goes, I had to go on Zoloft. My tongue didn't fit in my mouth. And I was like, ah, ah, ah. So yeah, it's been touch and go. I started drinking again. It's been better. Talking about you drinking again might be a good way to talk about the Fully Loaded at Sea Tour. You're going on your second cruise, right? Dude, this is the best. Is it true that y'all ran out of booze on the first tour? First tour, first Fully Loaded at Sea, we disembark and head to the islands. And on that first night, we ran out of booze. They had to send a chase boat out to go get more booze and bring it back to the boat. How many nights was the tour? It's like three. And you blew it on night one? Dude, we drink that boat dry. It is crazy. And I'll tell you another thing I do, which is going to cost me a ton of money, but I think is very cool. If you get pregnant on that cruise, on my cruise, I pay for your kid to go to college. Really? Yeah. That's how confident I am that my fan's kids aren't going to college. I set up, we had two pregnancies on the last one. I go, set up a college fund. And they're like, for real? I go, yeah, it's like $1,000. Give it to the IRA. Boom. And now you're just putting kids through college on your drunken tour. If you get pregnant on Fully Loaded at Sea, and you can kind of prove it. It matches up at all. I don't need to pay, but you can kind of prove it. I'll pay for your kid to go. I'll start a college fund. Send them to college. It's easy peasy. Are y'all doing a teeny weeny contest? Oh, that's the best. Explain this to me. So we get on the boat, and we're all hammered. Of course. And we're doing like a Speedo contest. And I go, let's see who's got the smallest a**. And Miss Pat's a ton. I love that. Miss Pat's there. I love Miss Pat. Miss Pat goes, all right, bring them out. So I go, all right. Leanne, my wife's a redneck. She goes, we got to do a teeny weeny painting contest. Anyone who's got a teeny weeny painting, the smallest one on the boat gets $5,000. And this dude stands up and walks right to Miss Pat, drops his Speedo. Miss Pat looks and goes, give this man $5,000. Y'all, Bert, you know I love you, baby. All the way from the tour on Fully Loaded at Sea, 2026, cruise can be found at Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert. Bert.com. We'll be right back, y'all. Bert Chrysler, my boy! ♪♪