Brad Pitt and Javier Bardem Read Thirst Tweets

You don't want that. Why would you like me to do that? Don't. We're going to burn in hell. Ow! What the f*** are people doing in their free time? You know, this is going to be a new pastime of mine, I think. Thirst tweets. I'm Javier Bardem. I am Brad Pitt. And we are a small portion of the cast of F1. And we are here to read your thirst... Tweets. I don't know what I'm facing. I don't know what's going to happen here. I'm a bit horrified. Do we just get it over with? Yeah, let's do it and then... And never speak about this again? Never. All right. I would kiss the f*** out of Javier Bardem. What's the f*** out? I would kiss the f***... I say this when you're not around. Thank you very much. That was okay. That wasn't over the line. That was relatively painless. And we're not naming names. No. I actually feel betrayed watching Brad Pitt kiss other girls in films. Excuse me? You are my boyfriend. Stop that. Wow. Do you know I was in the press line in Mexico City and someone had a sign that says, My mom says you're my dad. So I signed it. Paternity test to follow. I like all men. Pretty and not so pretty. My favorite example of a sexy man is Javier Bardem. Sexy hunk of masculinity. I got a dad bod. Love it. But I do have broad back shoulders. Oh yeah. Love to rub my hands over them while he is on top of me. Oh, oh. Excuse me for a moment. Whoa. Hey. Thank you very much for watching my films. Paints a picture. Thank you. That was very generous of you. Seeing Brad Pitt butt in Troy gave meaning to my life. It's a crack of sunshine. I can't fight it. It is what it is. I have an overwhelming urge to lick Javier Bardem. You know I say that one too? You say that one too when I'm not around? All the time. Overwhelming urge. Just a lick. That's a lick. What? Front, side. Just top to bottom. I'll try to make a kind of an ice cream with my big hand. So I don't want to send it to you. Brad Pitt, more like Brad's pit. On me. In me. Near me. Hydration is important. Well, hydration is important. It is important. I mean, we all must get our liquids. Oh, this is all caps. You ready? Yeah. Javier. Javier Bardem, sit on my face. You don't want that. Why would you like me to do that? That's mean. That's gross. Would you like me to do that after, like, 13-hour plane travel, for example? Extra spicy. I like the all caps, you know? There's, like, real emphasis on it. It's a demand. I've never said that one, by the way. No. Not out loud. Call me bullet train because I want Brad Pitt inside me. Whoa. You're getting, like, more specific. That's from a man named ****. And ****, I'm here to please. What can I tell you? I mean, I'm a giver. Jason Momoa, Oscar Isaac, and Javier Bardem. Spit in my mouth challenge. You know what? I think I'd pay to see that. All right. What would be the challenge? How much we spit each or how far we can go with the spit? Oh, this is a good question. All right. Do we really get the spit in the mouth or out of the mouth? I don't know. I think distance would be... Distance is good. But I think also flavor. Flavor. Okay. All right. Brad Pitt didn't have to take off his shirt in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, but he did. He did it for us. I'm really glad, you know, that my humanitarian efforts have been appreciated because it's important to me. I was that day on the set and I said, it's a wrap. And you said, no, there's people out there that need this. And I will do it. Even if I have to go back home with my family, I'll do it for you. Javier Bardem can crush me with his thighs any day. Mmm! Ow! You see, I can't! You know, this is going to be a new pastime of mine, I think. Thirst tweets. When I say I'm bisexual, it means that I like women. And Louis Dupont do lack from interview with a vampire. I'm glad you found yourself. I support you. Exactly. On a separate note, I could rub one out for Javier Bardem every day. I mean, who couldn't? What's rub one? Rub one out. Ah! The dices. Did you get the visual? Yeah. Throwing dice. For the dice. For Javier Bardem. Please do. Daily. There's nothing more healthy than that. I mean, exercise. For the cholesterol. Oh, yes. For the heart. Yes, it's true. Circulation. For the brain. The stress. Do it. Do that one. Two white men that I so want to impregnate me are Ryan Gosling and always, always, always Brad Pitt. Wow. But I'm going second. That's what it sounds like. It's true. Okay. Can you take that? That you're going second after Ryan? You know, I find myself a little more Howard Hughes in the hygiene area in my life as I get older, but... Hey, man. One for the team. If I had a time machine, I'd travel to meet young Javier Bardem with open arms and open mouth. There aren't many romance novels. Yeah, yeah, exactly. This person's read too many. And what's wrong with Javier Bardem right now? Oh, exactly. I meet Javier Bardem today with an open mouth. Today it happened. With an open mouth. Look at that. People are going like this behind the cameras. Oh, yeah. The old Javier Bardem is not that bad. I just want to point out, he's able to do this in a second language. Right. It's really impressive. With an open mouth. First rule of Fight Club is don't talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is if Brad Pitt shows up abs out and shirtless, all normal behavior ceases to exist. I will moan, sweat, levitate, write erotica in my notes app. I like the artistic approach here. We're all artists. Yeah. I've been working on a keg lately though. Going more for instead of a six pack. I have one pack. The keg. One. Boom. I want to have a threesome with Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Javier Bardem. I love a good doppel... What? Doppelganger. What is that? Germany? Doppelgangbang. You mean like she can look right and left and she'll see the same person? Oh yeah. I guess you're right. I don't... But the same person... No. I'm losing too many... Next one. I'm trying to figure this one out. That one's beyond me. What the f*** are people doing in their free time? Brad Pitt's abs are culturally, historically, and aesthetically significant and deserve to be preserved by the National Library of Congress. I agree with that. It should be studied at school. Yeah. I wish I would have preserved them too. Those days are long gone, my friends. Nice though. Okay. I saw you in the shower. This morning. Go ahead. I met you with an open mouth. Okay. Javier Bardem is King Triton. That's one hot... What? Hot, deep merman. I was shaking. Oh my God. What's a deep merman? Dad, I'd like to f***. Ah! Dad, I'd like to f***. Yeah. But I have a tail. How can you do that? Well, yeah. But then you cannot do that because of the water. You cannot... I'm sorry. This is f***ing Little Mermaid. Oh my God. Please. Come on. Censor this. Oh my God. We're gonna burn in hell. Brad Pitt eating a shrimp cocktail in Ocean's Eleven is a sexual awakening. Wow. You know, I always... I thought that was the undercurrent. That's what I was playing underneath the scene. I didn't realize it was so visual. It was so visual. It was there? Huh. I gotta tamp it down a little more. You are an actor that exudes truth. I want to fight my allegedly dilf obsession, but I'm here howling to Javier Bardem Pitt. I feel good. I like this. Come on. I mean, you've gotten several. Dad, I'd like to f***. The funny thing is that all of the Brads are different people. Mine is the same f***ing guy. Well, man, I think we survived. I think so. Okay. I don't know. Let's go take a shower. Yes. Thanks, BuzzFeed, for this scarring moment in our lives. Yes. We'll never forget. Come see F1 the movie. June 27th.