Best Action Comedy Films | Piece Of The Action

Killin' it, B-man. Killin' it. Hey there! Dad. In the flesh. I see you haven't given up trying to learn how to barbecue. Good for you, son. Wait, what are you doing here? Well, I'm not gonna miss my grandkids' sweet sixteen. It's a big day. Right. Not gonna flip me yet, huh? No, it's okay, it's okay. Really? Well... I just don't want you to mess him up. You know that B will be disappointed, you'll feel bad, there'll be all that, huh? Remember Bert's barbecue? Those burgers, yikes. Goddammit. Oh, see? Did you add eggs in the mix? Okay, Dad. It binds, it moisturizes, makes a much better burger. Oh. My dad showed up. From Florida? Yeah, and it took about two seconds before he started making me mental with the... Look at him! He's a monster. Oh. Oh, yeah, breathe it out there, champ. Hey, hey, Dad? Yes? Yeah, no, the dog's pooping in the pool. What? Wait, how? You paid money to see my son take off his shirt and tell his made-up story about robbing a train in Russia? Dad, for the millionth time, it's a true story. It's my job, okay? And you should get back on stage? Because I've seen you only, like, five times? You paid to see him five times? I'm just shocked that people would actually do that. Dad. Don't buy carpet five times. Bye, Papa. Oh, sweetheart. I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. Oh, don't worry about that. And you remember, you can call me anytime, whenever you want to talk about... Well, you know. Alright. Bye. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, where are you going? Hold on. Bye, Bert. Mr. Chrysler. Hey, stop! Where are you going? Matt's asked me to go to Big Bear for, like, three days. Oh, you are not going anywhere. Hey, you're 16 years old, and you're not going to Big Bear. Because I know you're going to drink beer and smoke pot. I'll be fine. Because I'm not you. Okay? Okay, stop. That's fair. I deserve that. Okay? Hey, look at me. Look at me. Don't go. We wrap up this party, me and you, hang out tonight over at Dr. Pimple Popper. I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad. And I don't even know half of these people here. Are you kidding me? You know, what about this guy? You know this guy? Ray Ray. You know Ray Ray? Dad. I said I wanted a small party, and you promised that you wouldn't embarrass me. She's trying to be a good dad. See? It's about you. It's always about you. Wait, what are you talking about? How did I make it about... How did you flip that? Don't do that. Don't leave. Don't you flip me off. Don't you get in that car. Don't get... See? This is a scene where behaviorists tell you about insanity. They didn't want to kill us, but they wanted to scare us. Oh, yeah? Well, they succeeded, okay? I'm tired of this. Right? I'm tired of explosions and people pointing guns at me. I want to go back to my desk. Guess what? Life gets loud sometimes and messes with your ears. You can't escape it by hiding at your desk for your whole life. You know what? Yes, you can. I've done it for years, okay? There's no explosions at my desk. There's no explosions at my home with my plain wife in my plain house. What are you afraid of, man? I'm your partner. You can tell me. What the hell are you hiding from? I was a sophomore in college. The university I went to decided they needed to raise tuition. Classmate of mine, Brenda, in an effort to raise money and stay in school, came up with a nifty plan where she thought she'd date guys and charge them money. I go on dates all the time with a whole bunch of, you know, boys and stuff. And I kind of need somebody to help me out. Like, you know, my partner in crime. Yeah, I could make a schedule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was thinking. Provide transportation services. Yeah, yeah. It'd be a good time. Thanks so much, Brenda. She said she needed my help to make sure that the dates went okay and that the guys paid her. She said she'd give me a percentage. Oh my God, you were a pimp. What? God, no. No, I was just trying to help a friend. We started making a lot of money. Wouldn't you know it, some of Brenda's girlfriends decided they wanted to be a part of it. Pretty soon, there were about 14 ladies that I was protecting while they gave me money. That's called a stable of whores. We decided I shouldn't use my real name. So we came up with the name Gator. I'm telling you, you were a pimp. No. Are you even listening to the story? Anyway, one day I wake up and I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I mean, I had gotten out of control and I didn't even realize it. You can't have a conscience in the pimp game. One night, two of my favorite girls, Candy and Jolene, said, we got to take you in. They dropped me off at the emergency room. That's where I met Sheila. I was a mess. I made a promise to myself and to her that I would never get out of control again. So as soon as I graduated from college, I became an accountant for the police department. The most stable job I could think of. An accountant for law and order. I just don't want to ever feel out of control like that ever again. Don't worry. I got your back. When I say we go get a nurse on his grill and see if he cracks. I'm tired of all this tippy-toeing around. Okay. All right, your daddy fired us to get you out of trouble. You got yourself into it. Didn't you? No, wait, wait. Tip down your dream. Oh, sophisticated, man. Oh, ******* hell. What? It's not important. Is it? What is important in the 17 dead bodies? We left getting you back from the triad that kidnaps you with the plans to ransom you to extremely psychotic fucked-up father. Actually, it's 16. What's that now? 16 kills, mate. No, it was 17. He's 16. And you're starting to get my ******* tits. 16. I'll smash my ******* head for a brick wall. Maybe that'll help your memory. Cause it's wrong with you, man. It was 17. God damn it. I wanna ******* strangle you. Do you mind if we do this right now? Don't worry about it, man. One. Two and three. Both guards playing poker. Big guy. Yeah, big guy. Two. Three assholes with swords. ------- get in. What do you want with my sword? ------- try it. I mean, you would, wouldn't you? Quite a lot of swords, actually. Looks like it's time for a chaffer cake. How about a wagon wheel? Oh, that works. 1450. And the prick on the motorcycle. So, 16? You forgot the poor innocent civilian on the street. Oh, **** you. Hey, buddy. You okay? That wasn't our fault. Wasn't our fault? No. Well, what did Thomas the Tank Engine say, Lemon? That's really mean. S.A.A. take responsibility, mate. You don't sound like that. All right, Sponge. I guess I got next. You're such a large man. You're so ******* big. Let's hope this works. I'm going to show you what we in the States call dad strength. My Donna. You showed fear. Son, I think this trip to Russia could give you some direction. Well, I had this with me in Rome. Saved me more than a few times. You take care of it. It will take care of you. Your pocket knife? Thanks, Dad. We hope our sons grow up to be the men we wish we could be, Bert. Maybe this trip can start you on that path. And also, if you lose that knife in Russia, I will disown you. Funny story. I did lose your life in Russia. Dad, I'm sorry. I knew you'd let me down. You did? Got your manhood. Hey there. While you were out, your father and I got to know each other. Also, we watched Witch Cassidy and Sundance Kid. Trendy? Wow. Dad, that's our movie. Bert, we have to find this watch. You stole it. What'd you do with it? Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest I've ever been in my life. I'm usually drunk when I toast. Okay. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Give me a sec. Let me think. God, I'm not good with guns in my head. Fedor. What about Fedor? He was the gangster on the train. Everything we stole, we gave to him. Yeah, I talked to Fedor. He doesn't remember the watch. So we killed him. Jesus Christ. Igor. Which Igor? I know like 50 Igors. Igor was the mobster that took care of our class. He lived with us in the dorms. Maybe he still lives in the dorms. ****'s cool. Let's find him. Then this is where we go. I can't believe you watched Boothcasting this Sunday as a kid. Wasn't even an awning in there. I know, I know. Jumped 20 stories. Doesn't make sense, does it? I only hope God lets them take their 357s with them to heaven to keep everyone in check. So I'm omen, Alan. Everyone in check. I'm omen to step up and be the guy. We're at a funeral. Show some respect. What? You don't think every other detective here isn't thinking the same thing? Alan, listen to me. Danton and Highsmith are gone. Their desks are empty. Someone has to fill those seats. That someone is us, okay? The city's dying for a hero. Is it? Yeah. What about nine million socially conscious and unified citizens all just stepping up and doing their part? As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers? I'll tell you what I did as a little kid. I went to school, I made my bed, and at age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded. What the hell are you? Well, well, well. What do we got here? Look at these two jamoks, would you? One shot cheater and the other shot at office. Have some decorum. We're at a funeral. You want to dance, Romeo? I will rock your body with big, nasty hooks. You'll be pissing blood out of your ass. Let me step back, man. If you touch him, I swear to God, I'm going to beat the ---- out of you with Alan's head. He's not going to do that. That's ugly, but that's a weird example. You want to go? I want to go! He's an asshole. Yeah, how do you like that? That's what I call a dead man. I'm very sorry for your loss, man. It's a lovely hat. I love your shoes. Fine. Go, go! Hey, do it! Do it in the hood! Hood or ----, we're leaving the mood. Look at what's going on here. We're fighting over who's not shot, huh? Is that what's happening? Yes, that's exactly what's happening. Let me tell you something about those guys. They knew they'd become a good cop. You have to solve cases, okay? Okay, and maybe you start with the Castian robbery, okay? Next time, me, you, library. Not even close. You stole my snake, bitch. That was your- We should really call the authorities. Someone's- Don't take that, punk! Hey, bitch. One little prick from this, you know what happens? Yes. Your blood congeals. Clogging your veins. You bleed and you- ****, I said yes! Weak-ass bitch. Stop! I'm taking that case! Give it! I was promised my money! By who? I don't know! It was all a lie! They said my money was in the case! What, someone paid you to have the kid killed with his own ransom? Wow, that's dark. That is dark as ****. Stop! The hornet stings, bitch! Lady, you can have the case. Oh, but you've seen my face, bitch. Thirty seconds before the venom does its thing. Shit, man, do you have a backup? What do you think, bitch? Shit, man. You don't have another one? You gotta be better prepared. I'm mansplaining, I'm mansplaining again. I'm sorry. Can I get you something? Ma'am? The party's outside, okay? Are you the machine? Yeah, I am. And I can do a picture in a second. I'm kind of having a private moment with my father, okay? I'm here for the pocket watch. Stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago. By you. Okay. I'm having a ---- show day. So if this is some sort of TikTok prank, I'm about to lose my ******* ----. It's definitely a prank. Clearly, that's a fake gun. Or not. She's got a ******* gun, Dad! Yeah, I'm clear on that now. Sit down! Yes, ma'am. My name is Irina Ivanovna Volgina, and I suggest you start remembering. That was 20 years ago. I barely remember that trip. I don't have a watch, and it's definitely not here. Then you're coming with me back to Russia to find it. Russia? Look at your daughter. So innocent. So pure. So vulnerable. Do you see that man? DJ Kimo? He will follow her on her trip. If you do not find my watch, he kills her. If you try to run, he kills her. If you say a word about this to anyone, he kills her. Okay, okay. I'll do whatever you want. Just, just let my daughter go. Listen, I'll do whatever you want. Just don't hurt my daughter. And let my father go, alright? He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't even invited. I'm going with you. Dad, you're not going with me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you fail to protect Sasha. Dad, stop! You're not going! She goes! If you need persuading in Russia, he might be useful. For torture. The car is waiting. We leave now. Dad, put your phone down. Excuse me. Ow. Oh, oh, oh, wait up. Oh my god, I haven't seen him yet. I'm so sorry I haven't said hi. Hello. Hello, dear. There's so many people here. Hi. Hello. Who is this? Uh, this is our, uh, our Uber driver. Uh, Sylvia. Sylvia? Hi. You're Uber driver? Where are you going? Um... Oh my god. Yeah, I see what's going on. You two are gonna follow Sasha to Big Bear. Yeah. Exactly. Big Bear, yes. Cool, great. Well, you know what? I'll just stay home. Take care of everything, and the two of you can just **** off on your creepy little puritanical... ...pricers. This is my bodyguard, Sponge. Sponge, like you absorb liquids? Absorb bullets. All right, we got it. Good luck, guys. Have a good one. Hatton, let's go. No, I got work to do. What? This is work. Damn. Dancing in Highsmith. We rolling heavy. Cream puffs. Sit tight. You gotta be shitting me! I can't... You can't keep me cooped up in here, okay? I am a peacock! You gotta let me fly! Did he just... Did he just call himself a peacock? Let's go! Come on, fellas! Wednesday night is taco night at Rikers Island! Oh! Second one this week! Hey, you monkeys! Stop! Let's go! Heads up! Special forces zipline. Put that line! These guys are pros. You thinking what I'm thinking, partner? Aim for the bushes. Do you honestly not know who the White Death is? Yeah, I heard of the White Death. He just told me five minutes ago he cuts off arms... I don't even bother forwarding you the briefings. I do not know. The Japanese underworld used to be ruled by a man named Minegishi. Now, Minegishi was one brutal bastard. But he was old school, you know. Traditionally and loyally, it was all that mattered to him. When you were in, you were in. You were like family. He treated you like you were one of his own. Then out of the blue, comes this six-foot ******* six-geezer from Russia. Whispers that he was exiled from the Russian mafia, that he was ex-KGB. No one really knows the truth. What is known... ...is this Russian... ...worked his way up the ranks, bit by bit, kill by kill, and very, very ******* quickly became one of Minegishi's closest advisors. And those loyal to him said, hold your horses. This geezer ain't a full ticket. He ain't to be trusted. He's dangerous, they said. A modern plague, they said. A white death. So sure enough, they were right. He made his own alliance. His own gang. And what'd he do? Stabbed him in the back. I mean, metaphorically, he blew his ******* brains out, didn't he? He wiped Minegishi off the face of the earth in one single night. Made an empire worthy of the white death. So, let me put this bluntly. There's this soulless, psychotic leader with the largest criminal organisation on the planet, shoved right inside our ******* arse cheeks. That ************'s definitely a diesel, isn't he? If you mention Thomas Tanker to him one more time, I'm gonna shoot you in the ******* face. Okay, okay. If he's such a badass, how come he hired two random operators instead of getting his son back himself? If you actually read the briefings, you'd know that he had a wife. Well, he had a wife. Yes. She was the most important ******* thing in his life, and she died. Drunk driving accident or some ----. And now he's at the compound, and he ain't left since. An unnamed locomotive might say there's a lesson to be learned. Listen, and he didn't hire two random operators, Lemon. No, he asked for the best. He asked for the two responsible for the Bolivia job. He asked for pros who wouldn't **** up. Three words, Lemon. We are fucked. Stop being so overtly happy about doing ---- work, you moron. Hey, guys. Reminder. The police union picnic's coming up this weekend. My wife's making her famous deviled eggs. Again. My waistline's furious. It's a bad time, Bob. Alright. I wanna get a slice. You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives, and I was about to start bad-mouthing you behind your back. But I stopped myself because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward. Wow, I actually appreciate that. Good. Because I'm gonna tell you directly to your face. No. You don't have to. No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine. If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend. Okay. First off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated. And said, you know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion. We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your your pride, your children, your offspring. We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not going to be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost to your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. Did that go the way you thought it was going to go? Nope. Oh! Don't!