The Ones Where They're Caught Lying: Part 2 | Friends

So? Come on! Explain yourself, Geller. First you get my Rachel pregnant? You got Rachel pregnant? Who did? You did! Yes. Yes, yes I did. But it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing. Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you? Nothing? No, no, sir. She means a lot to me. I mean, I care. I love Rachel. What? Oh, but not that way. I mean, I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend. Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then you refuse to marry her? Hey, I offered to marry her! But I didn't want to. Well, why not? So you could spend your time with this tramp? Tramp? I'm sorry. Dr. Green. Mona. Mona. Dr. Green. How could you have kept all of this from me? I was going to tell you, but... But what? You figured you'd get what you wanted and then you'd dump her like you did Rachel. Hey, I did not dump Rachel! Nor are we still together. Why don't we just let the machine get that? Hey, Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought maybe you'd know something about it. No! No! No! No! No! I need to lie down. Hey, everybody! Happy Thanksgiving! Hey, happy Thanksgiving. Hey, what's going on, Joe? I need a good lie. Oh, okay. How about the whole man walking on the moon thing? You know? You can see the strings, people! No, no, no. I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today. Oh, honey, you stink at lying. I do not. Oh, really? Okay, let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone. Who took it? Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in and went straight for your muffin. I said, hey, don't eat that. That's Phoebe's. And he said... He said, Joey, you stink at lying. What am I gonna do? Don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it. Oh, great. That'd be great. Thank you. What was the work thing? Pick up grandma at the airport? Oh, man. Look at her. So happy. If only there were a smaller one to clean this one. Hey, is Chandler here? No, he's picking up dinner. Why, what's up? Well... Look, whatever happens, we're here for you and we love you. All right? I think Chandler might be having an affair. What? Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester. They went in together. So sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that's awful. What did you think of the house? What? Monica, you understand what we're saying, right? Yeah, sure. Devastated, obviously. Did you think the neighborhood was homey? Hey. You son of a bitch. Is it me or have the greetings gone downhill around here? Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and they think you're having an affair. Actually, who's Nancy? What's going on? Okay. All right, guys, you better sit down. This is pretty big. Yeah. I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor. I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes. Nice car. Yeah, it's not mine. I love your car. Yeah, it's mine. I bet it's fast. Me, too, yeah. And comfortable. Do you like leather seats? Yeah. It's got them. Yeah, she tops out at 130. Wow. And that's just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate. Really? You got a place upstate? Sure. I'll see you later. Okay, take it easy. Hey, that's my car. Really? Just give me five more minutes. What are you doing? I found the keys, and now I'm just polishing her up. But it's my car. Yeah, but it's my wax. Listen, I don't come to this city much, and I don't know if you're crazy or if this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys? Sure. I'll save you a parking spot. I'm not coming back. Why not? I live upstate. Yeah, so did I. The Porsche guy took his car back. But you found the keys to his clothes? No, I just, uh, I just love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche. And people would think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes? Of course. Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn't have the car, right? That is true. Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun. Oh, I've been there. I am gonna go drive my Porsche. Joey, you know you don't actually have one. Come on, what are you doing? I'm in character. Will you talk to her? Hey, hey, hey. Careful around my Porsche. Hi, Joey. Hey, how you doing? He has the most amazing Porsche under there. I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. Hey, uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? How was your week? Oh, it was good. Actually, the baby started kicking. How exciting. Yeah, I know. Oh, it was amazing. The only sad thing is I wasn't around when it happened for the first time. Oh, no. Yeah, I know, and I was missing out on all this other stuff, too, so Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. Yeah, right. What? Joey cracks me up. It's like, yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn't be awkward at all. Huh. Hey, could you imagine? I go away for a few days, I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant. So what'd you tell him? Here, I'm sticking up. Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine's dinner. Surprise! Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel. What's she doing here? I have no idea. Um, I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me. Seriously, what is she doing? Uh, you know, lately she just likes hanging out here. Why? I think she's lonely. Okay, but it's Valentine's Day. Can't we just ask her to go? Well, no, no. She's way too emotional. And by emotional, I mean crazy. That's just my Chinese food. Oh my God, she has food delivered here? Yes, she's emotional, but ballsy. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get my sweats and eat this in bed. And you thought she was gonna be in our way. So, okay, why don't you, uh, open the champagne and I will be right back. I've got a surprise for you. You got another ex-wife back there? Why don't you go into your room and try these on and we'll see, we'll get a better idea of what's gonna work. Thanks, you are such a good friend and this is so weird. Toothpick? Yeah. What are you trying on now? The fruit roll-up. And? Delicious. We have a winner! What? Which one? The silly putty. Not so silly anymore. And what's cool is, the character is from Naples, right? My whole family's from Naples. That's great. Okay, well, I've heard everything I need to hear. We just need to, uh... Leslie? Uh, Joey, this is the awkward part. Oh, hey. Right? Not a problem. I totally understand. You need to, you know, make sure I don't have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don't you worry. I have nothing to hide. So, there you go. That's me. 100% natural. Why are your eyes so white? You tell me. Maybe it's because I was just fooling around with my ex. That was you! Alright. How did you know? Joey told me he saw you two kissing. In the park? No, in his office. How many kisses were there? Just those two. Why? Why? Why? Why was there kissing? There should be no kissing. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'm so, so... So, so sorry. I just... But I... Here. Here. Here. I'll take it. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Oh, we did. And you still have all your lamps. In fact, you're in the room, Tax. Oh, dude, don't worry about it. I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game. Oh, my God. What? There's something new in the bowl. Look, we have enough. Just walk away. No, but I want... I want the pine cones. There's a forest right outside. It's not the scene. Okay, go quick. Thank you for a delightful stay. Oh, candy! Listen, do you want anything to drink? Because I'm heading up there. Uh, yeah, I'll take a coffee. Thanks, Franz. Sure. Coffee? Coffee? Because I'm going up there. Oh, no, thank you. Do you guys need anything? Because I'm heading up there. Ice water? You got it. What are you doing? Just being friendly. Joey, I don't think you're supposed to go back there. It's okay. Right, Gunther? Don't wink at me. Your apron. Okay. I don't see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons. Joey, do you work here? No. Waiter. Yeah. Why didn't you tell us you work here? It's kind of embarrassing, you know? I mean, I was an actor. Now I'm a waiter. I'm supposed to go in the other direction. So is your apron. You're wearing it like a cape. I mean, the job's easy and the money's good, you know? I guess if I'm going to be hanging out here anyway, I might as well get paid for it, right? It's just kind of weird serving you guys, you know? Joey, come on. I didn't. It was fine. Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, uh, can I get some coffee? Okay, I guess it doesn't seem that weird. Seriously, I asked you before and you still haven't gotten it. Now it's weird again. I think it's great that you work here. You're going to make a lot of money, and here's your first tip. Don't yellow snow. 215 Coffeehouse. We talked about our wedding plans, and I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica Wedding Fund. What? We told Jack I can't do it. What happened? You still have the Monica Wedding Fund, don't you? We have it. Only now we call it the Beach House. I can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the Beach House. We're sorry, honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30, you'd pay for it yourself. You bought the Beach House when I was 23. Which means you had seven years of beach fun, and you can't put a price on that, sweetie. I really do feel bad about this, though. We started saving again when you were dating Richard, but then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen. What about when I started dating Chandler? Well, it was Chandler. We didn't think he'd ever propose. Clearly, I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. But there is no money for my wedding? We might still have some money if your father hadn't thought it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet. It seemed like such a simple idea. Stupid, Jack. The word is stupid. All right, enough. I don't want to hear about it anymore. Good luck, Chandler. Hey, I'm here. Oh! Oh, my God! Well, it's not the carry table. Ross, Phoebe is going to be here any second. She cannot see this. Oh, why not? She'll love it. It's the real thing. I got it at Pottery Barn. I know you did. I bought the same one. And if she sees your table, she's gonna know that I lied to her. I told her that ours was an original. Why did you do that? Because she hates Pottery Barn. She hates Pottery Barn? I know, I know. She says it's all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. She's gonna be here any second. Can we please just cover this up with something, please? What? No, no. I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe. Oh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets. Oh! Oh, my God! They made sheets. Yeah. I still can't believe she hates Pottery Barn. Ross, get over it. It's not like she hates you. Yeah, but Pottery Barn. You know what I think? It's just she's weird. You know, it's because she's a twin. Twins are weird. Ross, she's not weird. She just likes her stuff to be one-of-a-kind. Huh. You know what's not one-of-a-kind? A twin. Oh, Phoebe's here. Okay, so let's turn out all the lights and we'll just watch the movie. Okay. Hey, ooh, cool sheet. Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it? Sure. Me got it at a flea market. You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross, come on. You gotta loosen the purse strings a little. Hmm. Ross! Hey, Phoebs, can you please not put your feet up on my new old sheet? Ross, where did you get this? I got it at Pottery Barn, okay? Oh, my God! Phoebe, Pottery has ripped off the design of our antique! Wow! Oh, my God! Well, if they've ripped off our table, ours must be worth much more than one in fifty dollars. Wow, this doesn't even smell like opium. Of course not. It smells like wine, which you spilled. And thanks for wrecking my sheet, by the way. Oh, Ross, calm down. I'll give you the 80 cents. How's it going for the party so far, liquor-wise? Get a lot of liquor. Great. Okay, now, in terms of the invite list, obviously I got you, me, and Chandler, and I'm gonna invite Gunther because, well, we've been talking about this pretty loudly. I'll be there. Oh, listen, I know it's your party, but I'd really like to limit the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there. Tell you what, let's not invite any of the anthropologists, okay, just the dinosaur dudes. Okay, we need a six-pack of Zima. Hey, guys, what are you doing? Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man. Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one. Yeah, see, I don't think it's gonna be that difficult considering this one won't take place in the basement of a pizza hut. Well, I'm Ross. I'm Ross. I'm too good for the hut. I'm too good for the hut. Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great, Joey. Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker. No strippers or anything, okay? You got it. Okay, see you later. Ha-ha, have fun planning your mellow bachelor party. I thought there was gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers. He just said no strippers. Oh, I chose not to hear that. Hello, ja. It's time for your massage, ja. Put your face in the hole. A Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. Okay, then I'm Swedish. So, what's your name? It's a normal Swedish name. Ikea. Wow, what an interesting name. Yeah. You know, I'm kind of... Time for your scalp massage. Wow, I really love your... Oh! Is something wrong? No, it's just, um... It just feels so good. Ikea. Oh, hey, say, you'll know this. What's the capital of Sweden? Um... Stockholm? Damn, I wish I knew if that was right. May I help you? Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's. Oh, right, uh... Don? Close, Ron. Uh, what can I do for you? Um, well, I'm here to see if you'll give Rachel her job back. Ah, did she, uh, ask you to come here and do this? Oh, no, first I have to get you to agree. Then we'll see if she wants to come back. Wow, that is tempting. Look, she loved her job here. Now, let's face it, you're not going to find anyone who did it as well as she did. Isn't that true? She is good. Oh, I took a shot there. Is this your son? Yeah, his name is Ross. Uh, nothing, it's just, it's, uh, it's close to Ron. Monica? What time is it? Uh, nine. But it's darker. Well, that's because you always sleep till noon, silly. This is what nine looks like. I guess I'll get washed up, then. Watch that sunrise. I'm really getting tired of sneaking around all the time. Oh, I know, me too. You know, hey, you know what? What if we went away for the whole weekend? You know, no interruptions, and we could be naked the entire time. All weekend? That's a whole lot of naked. Yeah, I can say that I have a conference, and you can say you have a chef thing. Oh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey. Okay, you know you're not, though. Right. Let's go. Wait, what about Joey? Hey, you're back. How was your conference? Oh, it was terrible. I fought with my colleagues the entire time. Are you kidding with this? Uh, so your weekend was a total bust? Uh, no. I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator. Hey. Mr. Bing? That hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room. Yes, that was mine. Because I figured you hooked up with some girl, and she left it there. Yes, that would have made more sense. You know, I don't even feel like I know you anymore, man. All right? Look, I'm just going to ask you this one time, and whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you, or were you not, on a gay cruise? Hey. Oh, hey, Monica. I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention. Yeah, so I'm waiting for an elevator. Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler? I think I lost mine. Yeah, it's in the back. Hey! Yes. Yes. You? And you? Yes, but you cannot tell anyone. No one knows. How? When? It happened in London. In London? The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But it is a big deal. I have to tell someone. No, no, no, no. You can't. Please, please. We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Please, just promise you won't tell. All right. Man, this is unbelievable. I mean, it's great, but... I know it's great. Oh, I don't want to see that. I mean, my mom never thought this would work out. It was all once a cheater, always a cheater. Mm-hmm. Oh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months. But if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... We were on a break! Coffee house? You bet. And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship. Yeah, you and that girl from the coffee place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for. I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay? I didn't finish the whole letter. What? I fell asleep. You fell asleep? It was 5.30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back! Oh! And by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means you are. Y-O-U-R means you're. You know, I can't believe I'm getting back together with you. We are so over. Fine by me! Oh, and hey, hey, hey! Those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica. Hey! Sorry. I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss, wishing you were with me. Oh, no, no. Don't you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter! This isn't gonna happen on anniversary ever. Oh, good. All right. You decided to tell her about the Richard thing. What? What Richard thing? Oh, no. What Richard thing? Simmons. Go with Simmons. Okay, I, um, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. And the only reason why I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary. I'm not mad. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so you bumped into Richard. You grabbed a bite. No big deal. Great. Okay, London won. Oh, my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else. I'm sorry. That's always Mr. Campbell's table. But my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job. Rachel? I'm on a date! That's great. Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom career, you gotta get out there. Well, you've got a good energy. Oh. Rachel? Yes, hi. James Campbell. Hi. Excuse us. Please. Oh, damn. That's cute. So, your resume is quite impressive. My resume? I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resume. Dating profile? I'm talking about the work resume. Just singing for no reason. Maybe people found it weird. So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren? What? I don't. You don't? No, I love it there. Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch? What? It's Hugo, boss. I just talked to Sid. We are definitely putting in an offer on the house. And I'll bet we get it. The Hitlers will be so disappointed. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And I'll see you later, neighbor. I just want you to know that I'm so happy you're going to be here. Oh, me too. Because that way we can pick up where we left off. Huh? I never stopped loving you. Oh, my. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want you. I need you. I must have you, Janice Litman Guralnik Nay Hosenstein. Mr. Chandler, what are you talking about? Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing. I see. I mean, you know, obviously we have this heat between us. Obviously. But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. I don't think we should get this house now. Don't say that. Don't dangle the dream and take it away. Chandler, one of us has got to be strong. I understand. Although maybe just one last moment of weakness. Goodbye, Chandler. Oh, wait, you know what? I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me. Somebody tell me. Okay. It's negative. What? It's negative. Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That's great. That is really great news. You know, because of the whole not being ready and kind of financial aspects. Well, this is so just the way this was supposed to be. Great. It's kind of so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had? It's negative? No, it's positive. It's not negative, it's positive. Are you sure? Well, yeah, I lied before. Now you know how you really feel about it. Oh, that's a risky little game. Are you really gonna do this? Yeah. I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a baby! With who? Still not the time. What? What are you doing? Do you know what just happened? Yeah, we had sex and we fell asleep. No, we were in the middle of sex and you fell asleep. No, that's not true. No, best time ever. Yeah, you rock my world. Monica. What? I was giving you some of my best moves and you missed it, so please wake up so we can do it right. Okay, okay, I'm ready. Come on, big fella. Give me the good stuff. No, no, no, don't fall asleep. Okay, I'm going to make you some coffee. I probably won't spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor. Okay, I'm up, I'm up. Do you not want to be seen with me? What? No, of course I do. Are they gone? Uh, no, they're still here, but I think I'm about to leave. What? No, no, wait. You're right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, we like each other, right? There's nothing wrong with that. Come on. Bert, Lydia, Mel, this is Elizabeth. Hi. Aren't you in my popular culture class? That's right, Lydia. Elizabeth here is a student, and we're dating. And you may frown upon that, but we're not going to hide it anymore. You are so fired. What? They're going to fire you. You can't date a student. It's against the rules. Really? It's not just frowned upon? Look at us all dressed up for the big office party. Hey, by the way, what are we celebrating? Oh, we have a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party. I think this is so cool. I mean, none of our friends are here, so we can, you know, be a real couple. We don't have to hide. I know, I can do this. Oh, and I can do this. We can't do that. Hey, Bing! Who's the pretty lady, and what the hell's she doing with you? I asked myself that very question, sir. This is Monica. This is my boss, Doug. Doug, this is Monica. Hi, nice to meet you. Hi, and this is my wife, Cara. Nice to meet you, Monica. Bing! Okay. Say, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us? No, sir. Yeah, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. Honey, let's go drink our body weight, huh? What was that? What? That noise you just made. Oh, that was my work laugh. Your work laugh? Oh, yeah, believe me, if you're going to survive this party, you're going to have to come up with one, too. Check me out. Okay. It says, $30, father, same as in town. Everybody at work loved you last night. Really? And they like me more just because I was with you. I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with him. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. Strip church. Anyway, I'm going to go try to find a racket. Hey, I thought you already had one. Oh, I used to, but then Joey thought it'd be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at bigger rocks. Hey, Paige, do you have a tennis racket? Oh, um, you know, I lent it to Joey and I've never actually gotten it back. Okay, good luck with that. I can't believe you let them win. Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. I was frustrated. It was my racket. I was frustrated with you. If we hadn't lost the game, they would never have invited us to dinner tomorrow night. You know what really bothers me? It's how different you act around them. I mean, you know, the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the see you later, Bing! Not if I see you first, Doug! I gotta tell you, I don't like Bork Chandler, okay? The guy's a suck-up. Okay, well, you know what? Because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight. But seriously, I strongly believe that we should all support President Clinton and her husband, Bill. So, how do you kids like your coffee? Oh, none for me, thanks. Just a little bit of sugar. Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That ought to sweeten it up, huh? How does that laugh not give you a headache? Oh, you get used to it. I don't think that I can. So, if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things. So, I laugh at my boss' jokes. What's the big deal? I'd rather not hang out with this sniveling work weasel guy when I could be hanging out with my boyfriend, who I actually respect. I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee, you know? Feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight. It's not strong enough to defend itself. See what I said, Bing? What? It's a joke, Bing. What's the matter with you? Well, I just didn't think it was funny, sir. Excuse me? Well, I just... Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke. Really? Yeah. It was really funny. I just don't think that you got it. You see, Kara's coffee is weak tasting. Okay, but what Doug did was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now, honey? I think I do. Thank you, Monica. I didn't know you could use the help. Coffee in a fight.