How to Stop Missing the Moments That Matter Most

What if I could share something with you today that you could use to improve the connection that you have with the people that you love and help you take advantage of what is left of the summer so that you can look back and feel like you really made the most of it? This is what I've been thinking about, and this is what I'm going to share with you today, because I am guessing many of you, like me, typically get to Labor Day and we're like, what happened to the summer? Where did it go? It's gone like in the blink of an eye, and suddenly there are school supplies and backpacks everywhere, and you're wondering, my gosh, how did I miss it? Well, here's the good news. You haven't missed it. There's still a few weeks left of summer, and if you stick with me till the end of this episode, I'm going to give you a simple way to use the rest of your time well, all while building stronger connections with the people that you love. Hey, friends, welcome back to Relating with Jen Funk. If you are new here, I am Jen. I'm a relationship coach, and every week we talk about building the skills to build better relationships with your spouse, your family, even yourself, without feeling like you've got to become a completely different person in order to do it. So today, I admit I am one of those people that typically gets to the end of the summer, and I wonder where it went. Even though I want to live in the moment, I want to be present, but I'm always like, wait, wasn't Memorial Day like three weeks ago? And every year I tell myself this summer is going to feel different. I'm going to slow down. I'm going to chill out by the pool a little bit more. We're going to have friends over and have drinks on the patio and have more family nights with our kids. I'm going to take walks after dinner. I always have big plans every year, but inevitably, life has other plans, and not bad plans, just the normal life stuff. Work gets busy. Normal things have to get done around the house. People are traveling. Schedules are hard to line up, and then you blink, and the pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks. Now, I think there are two reasons that this happens to most of us because I'd like to think that I'm not alone in this. The first is we're looking backwards, so we spend our time thinking about everything that we didn't get around to doing, the memories that we didn't make or the plans that didn't happen, or we are looking forward. We get so busy preparing for what's next, the upcoming school year, the next season or project or holiday, so much so that we stop paying attention to what is happening right now. Again, one scenario, we're living in what's already passed. The other one has us living in what hasn't happened yet, and either way, we miss today. I thought of this topic this week because I walked into Target, and if you've been into Target or Walmart or any of those, everything in there screams summer is over. You are surrounded by the backpacks and the dorm decor and the storage bins. I'm walking through all that, and I can just feel this pit in my stomach because this particular summer is a big one. The end of this summer means that all of my little birds have flown the nest. My youngest, Natalie, is heading to the University of Tennessee in Knoxville in just over a week, so I immediately started looking backwards. I thought, summer is over. We never floated down the river together. We didn't have many family game nights, and we didn't get a puppy before she left for school. I don't want to spend this last week or few weeks of summer mourning the summer I didn't have. I want to be present for every moment that I have left so I don't miss those too. Then on the flip side, I've also been spending a lot of time looking ahead. On the one hand, we have to. There's so much to buy for a college dorm room, and it's all got to match and it's all got to create an aesthetic and all the things that I love about my youngest, but we might have to take out a second mortgage to get all this college stuff together. But all that just to say, there's been a lot of forward focus, planning for the future, looking ahead, and that is all very important, but I also don't want to spend all of my time preparing so much for what is to come that I miss the precious time that I have. Every moment I spend looking backwards or looking forwards is a minute that I am not focusing on what is right in front of me. So I wonder for all of us, how many moments do we miss because our minds are already somewhere else? You know what I mean? It's like you might be sitting at the dinner table and you're thinking about the work meeting that you have the next morning, or you're watching your kids play, but really mentally, you're working on your grocery list, or you're on a date with your spouse, but all you're talking about is who's picking up the dry cleaning, who's getting the kids to practice, and we've all done that. But here's the thing. The moments that we typically miss are not the big ones, right? Nobody's missing Christmas morning or someone's birthday or forgetting a graduation. What we're usually missing is Tuesday night. And what happens on a random Tuesday night? Well, I don't know, but maybe it's a night where everyone lingers around the dinner table. They don't rush off, and there's all these interesting conversations that are happening, but maybe you're missing it because you are focused on what's going to happen at work tomorrow. Or your partner's like, hey, why don't you join me out on the patio? It's a nice night. Let's have a glass of wine. I don't really feel like it because you're feeling disappointed that the vacation that you wanted to take that summer didn't happen, and so you just plop on the couch instead. Or you say no to a late-night ice cream run or another round of Rummikub because you've just got other things on your mind. It's those ordinary moments. On a random Tuesday night, those are usually the ones that we end up wishing we had noticed more. So here's the question I want you to think about today, and it's not how do I squeeze out every last drop of the summer because that sounds exhausting, and I don't know about you, but I don't need to add anything else onto my to-do list. But instead, I want you to ask yourself when summer is over, what will I wish that I had made time for? Is it for yourself or your family or other relationships? What matters to you? Because that's what we're really talking about here. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to get out a piece of paper. Now, I don't mean the notes app on your phone, although I do like that and use it often, but there's just something about taking out an actual piece of paper that feels more intentional with this. So at the top of your page, I want you to write before summer ends, dot, dot, dot. And then I want you to ask yourself, what would I regret not making time for? So before summer ends, and then what would I regret not making time for? Now, I want you to start with your kids if you have them. Maybe they're five, maybe they're 15, 25, doesn't really matter. The activity changes, but the connection doesn't. So maybe your little ones have been asking you to go get ice cream and maybe they really love ice cream, but I bet they just want to have that little bit of special time with you. Or maybe your son has been asking you to shoot hoops with them out on the driveway, or your daughter's asking you to paint her nails, or your teenager just wants to go to Starbucks. And you've been saying, oh, you know, maybe tomorrow. And the truth is at some point, they're going to stop asking. And it won't really have anything to do with you necessarily, it's just that their lives are going to change. Friends become more important, and jobs happen, and college happens, and families happen. So if they have been asking, say yes. Maybe not every time, but maybe just this next time. And then I want you to think about your family as a whole. So what is one thing that just feels like your family? I know for us, going for a nice sushi dinner just feels like us. Maybe you're more of a Mexican food kind of family, or maybe your thing is ordering pizza and everybody piling on the couch and watching a movie, or going for a beach day, or going hiking, or playing pickleball. Whatever it is for your family, what is really cool is that you don't have to create new traditions every year. Sometimes the most meaningful and memorable things to do is just repeating what you all already love to do together. There's just something comforting in saying, oh, this is what our family does. You know, kids remember that because it's familiar and it tells them this is who we are. And then I want you to think about your spouse. I know you're thinking, oh my gosh, Jen, I'm so busy. Do I have to put my spouse on the list? And I get it because we're all busy, but here's what I know. If we don't make time for our spouse, we will lose our connection. So think about it. What would you actually love to do together? Now, obviously going out for dinner is just always a classic, but what about going out for breakfast, starting the day together? Maybe it's taking a walk after dinner or sitting on the porch with a nice glass of wine after the kids go to bed. Some of my most favorite date nights have been the ones that haven't been planned. There was no agenda. We didn't make reservations in advance. We just were kind of winging it. Oh, we'll just grab a drink at this place and we'll grab takeout or, you know, no fancy plans, but just making time and space for each other. Now, then I want you to think about yourself and I want you to make a list for you. And please do not skip this category because I know some of you, you're going to make a beautiful list for everybody else and then you'll leave yourself completely off of it. So we're not going to do that. I want you to ask yourself, what fills you up? Is it reading outside while you're laying in the hammock? Is it maybe taking a paddleboard out on the lake or walking around a farmer's market by yourself? Or maybe it's just getting up 30 minutes earlier in the morning when everybody is still asleep and the house is nice and quiet and you can enjoy your coffee, whatever it is for you. I want you to write it down because you matter too. Now, once you have made your list, I want you to do something that sounds really simple, but it's probably the difference between these things happening or not happening. And that is, I want you to put a few of these things on your calendar. Now, notice I didn't say put them all on your calendar. Don't try to squeeze 15 activities into 14 days. But what I want you to do are pick three. Seriously, just start with three things. Maybe it's one family thing. Maybe it's one thing with your spouse and maybe something that is for you. And that's enough because usually what happens is we tell ourselves we'll find the time. But have you ever noticed that we never find the time? Time isn't hiding somewhere waiting to be discovered. We make time, right? Or more accurately, we choose it because every yes is a no to something else and every no is a yes to something else. So maybe saying yes to family movie night means saying no to folding your laundry that evening. But guess what? That laundry is still going to be there tomorrow, but that evening, it won't. What I want to leave you with here and what I'm learning, especially this summer, which is a big transition summer, is that it is not our job to create these perfect memories, not as a wife, not as a mom, not as a friend, but maybe our job is to create enough margin, enough space and time for memories to find us. And I just love that thought because it kind of takes the pressure off. Relationships aren't made of these big moments. They're built in these ordinary moments that sometimes we miss or we rush past. One more conversation, one more walk, one more family dinner, one more game of Rummikub, one more ordinary Tuesday night. So let's not spend these last week, two weeks, three weeks looking behind us or looking ahead and let's focus on today because today is all we have left to make the memories that we will be so grateful for much later. And then here's the really beautiful part that I mentioned in the beginning. The more that you do this, the stronger your relationships become, not because all of a sudden you're this better parent or you're a better spouse or you're a friend. That's not it, but it's because the people that we love usually don't need a bigger vacation or a bigger gift from us or elaborate plans. They just need more of us focused on today and the moments right in front of you. So don't forget, get your piece of paper, write down what you'll regret not making time for before summer ends, pick two or three things, get them on your calendar and then leave plenty of room for the unexpected because the best memories usually are not the ones that are carefully planned out. They're just the ordinary moments that we take time to enjoy even on a random Tuesday night. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today. Don't forget to like, follow, subscribe if you're watching on YouTube and that way every week you can come back for another episode where we are learning better skills to have better relationships. I will see you in the next episode. Take care. If you enjoyed watching, be sure you subscribe by clicking my photo or the subscribe button below or hit like and leave a comment for me. Let me know what spoke to you. You can also head to my website for free relationship resources. And if you're not done watching, check out a few of my other videos.