Why Men Pull Away Right When They're Falling for You - Relationshp Advice by Mat Boggs

This is the number one way to help your man step up and invest more in a relationship, and this is going to blow your mind. Does your relationship ever feel like this? If you've ever felt like you're the one who's keeping the relationship going, like you text first. You're the one who plans the dates. You're the one who's checking in to see how things are going. You're the one keeping that connection alive. And somewhere in the back of your mind, there's this quiet little voice that's going, why am I the one doing all the rowing on this boat? If you have ever felt like that, I want you to know that this is for you because the answer to solving this is not a better text message. The answer is not a new strategy on how to get him to step up, and it's not playing hard to get or anything like that. It's definitely not doing more of those things, which is where most people tend to focus their attention. It's actually one shift in where you are coming from. And when you make this shift and you actually stop chasing, you end up attracting the kind of man, the kind of relationship who's gonna pursue you, and the kind of man who's gonna create the relationship with you that you will love. It's actually one of the main themes that I cover in Cracking the Man Code about how to create the connection, how to create the quality of the relationship you want by understanding exactly how he's wired up. Because for years, I would have my coaching clients say, Matt, I'm giving so much, I'm loving, I'm supportive, I'm patient, I feel like I'm doing the things that he's asking to do, and it ends up feeling like this relationship's going nowhere that I care way more than he does. And when I really started to listen to this pattern, I realized something. It wasn't actually that these women were doing too little and they needed to do more. In many cases, they were doing too much based on how the masculine man is wired. They were actually chasing. And chasing, as it turns out, is the fastest way to push the very thing that you want away the most. So let's talk about why, in fact, that happens, because it's super interesting and clear that when you understand why, it empowers you to create a new outcome instead. But first, I wanna say this. If you have had the hit of, hey, maybe I'm the one that's been carrying the weight of the relationship, and there's this feeling of like, oh man, I've sabotaged these things or I've done some things wrong, I want you to shake off any of that energy and own the part of you that ultimately is coming from generosity and love and honor that part of you. That part of you is sourced in love, that part of you is sourced in kindness, that part of you is sourced in this beautiful, generous state, and you don't want to lose that. Instead, here's the shift that actually changes the outcome that you wanna make. Knowing that chasing always comes from scarcity. Think about this. It's the scarcity energy that says, there isn't enough love, he might not do his part, so I better do it for him. Like if we actually peel the layers back to the behavior of when we step up, when we send the text, when we plan the date, when we say, hey, you haven't heard from him in a while, so you actually plan what you're gonna do this weekend. All of that is sourced in a fear of what if he doesn't step up and lead? And so we hold on tight and we do more so that the relationship actually has a chance to progress, or at least we think it does. But there's another place that you can come from and it's the opposite of scarcity and it's called love abundance. You see, abundance means that you have all the love that you need and you're able to give it freely. You're able to fully open and receive love at the same level that you're giving love. It's both of those actions. It's not just giving from a place of trying to make up from a fear of lack of what's coming your way. It's fully giving, but at the same time, fully receiving. And that's the key that so many people miss. So it's not how do I get him to love me more? It's not how do I get him to step up and how do I get him to lead? It's how can I love fully, but also receive love fully? So you see the difference? One is reaching up. It's trying to earn love. And the other one is actually standing in your worth and inviting him to match you where you are. Because here's the truth, and I invite you to really take this in. The quality of your love life doesn't come from what it is that you're doing. It actually comes from who you're being. And when you shift from scarcity to abundance, everything about how you show up starts to change in that relationship. The dynamic, the energy he feels from you begins to change. So how do we take this idea of love abundance and scarcity and turn it into something really practical? Well, the first big paradigm shift is this, your job is actually not to change him. It's to discover who he is. So many of us will get into this relationship and we'll meet someone who's great and then we'll immediately go into if I invest enough, it will get them to like us. That's the same thing as going into project mode. In other words, how can we get them to match our investment? How can we get them to open up? How can we get them to be more consistent? How can we get them to show up in the loving space that we want them to show up in? But here's the problem. When we overinvest in a relationship, or at least we're investing to the degree that's keeping the relationship together and they're not pouring back in us, it's like holding up a weight in that relationship. And at first you're like, I mean, I got this. Like, it's no problem. Like, I can do this. This is not a big deal, it's light. But after a while, you hold this up all day, you hold this up all week, and your arm starts to burn, and you're like, I got it. No big deal, right? Great relationships were never meant that one person holds the weight all by themselves. You want your man to join you and take some of that weight off of you so that you're both investing in the relationship. And this brings me to the second truth, which is super powerful, and that is this. The man who wants to be with you is the man who is going to pursue you. You don't have to listen to what he's saying. You don't have to guess to how he feels. All you have to do is watch what he is doing for you. The woman who is being pursued doesn't waste her time on a man who won't actually pursue her. Now, I wanna give you a little window into how high-quality men actually think, because this is where it gets really interesting, because the man who has a lot going for him, so he's successful, he's sexy, he's attractive, that man has a lot of options. That man has a lot of women who are interested in him, just like you might have multiple guys who are interested in you. But when you've got multiple people interested in you, there's a common attribute that tends to happen, and that is that women will often be overly accommodating to this guy. So he'll get used to them changing their schedules to be with him. They'll get used to them planning the date so he can relax. They'll get used to them overgiving, and so he can just have an easy ride along the way. And while on one hand, this might seem like, oh, well then, that kinda sucks, and how do I stand out from them? It actually makes it really easy for you to stand out. What you don't wanna do is fall in line with what everybody else is doing, which is just bending over backwards, because he's the one great guy that you've met, so you're gonna accommodate every whim. You're gonna drive to his side of town to meet him. You're gonna cancel plans with your friends when he calls you last minute. No! What happens then is you just blend in with everybody else. What actually makes you stand out is where you own your worth, where you know that he's not just the prize alone, that you are both the prize, that you deserve to have someone who sees you as the queen that you are, and so you're not willing to just bend your schedule. You're willing to be treated the way that you want to be treated, with someone who pursues you, someone who gives you advance notice, someone who plans the date, and so the most challenging thing is to hold your standard and come from an energy of love abundance, even if you don't see love abundance all around you. In other words, if there's that one great guy and everybody else is the guy without his shirt on, holding the big fish in the beer belly, and you're like, those are the only other options. I finally got this great guy. To remember, no, love abundance comes from the belief that I know my man is on his way, and the fastest way to attract that is actually to be aligned with the standards for the kind of love that you want to create in your life, and if you want to go deep into this idea of how to know what those standards are, how to set those standards and communicate those standards, there's an entire chapter in Cracking the Man Code that focuses on this exact idea, so I encourage you, click the link below, grab this book, you are going to love this. So what does this look like? I can give you a couple great examples right now. Let's say he calls you last minute and wants to hang out, and you've got plans for somebody else. The temptation is to actually get a little irritated or mad that he didn't give you advance notice, so resist the temptation to get irritated or angry, and instead, challenge him to a new way of being, and the way you do it is you affirm how much you want to see him. Oh, I would love to see you, and unfortunately, I've already got plans with somebody, but I challenge you to give me advance notice next time, and I'd be happy to hang out with you, and now he feels the pain of disconnect. He feels the ambition line of saying, okay, if I want to hang out with her, I've got to give her a few days' notice because this woman is in demand. She's living a life that she loves. Oh, wow, that's very different than the other women that this guy might be dating. This is exactly what happened for Michelle and Barack Obama. When they first met, Michelle was actually Barack's advisor at his law firm, and when he met Michelle, he was interested right away, but she turned him down, and she turned him down actually more than once because she was his advisor, and in her mind, that was an inappropriate relationship. She could not date somebody that she was advising, and so she held her line, and so this is part of what helped her stand out, that he was like, wow, this woman's got standards, and she's not gonna bend them just to go out with me, so she wasn't chasing him. She was literally holding her worth, and you know what he did? He pursued her, and he made his case for why she should date him. He kept showing up. He even offered to quit his job so that the two of them could date, and she let him ultimately rise to her standards. She tells this whole story in her book, Becoming, and look at that amazing relationship that came out of it. So making this really practical, shift number one is not trying to change him, but discover who he is, knowing that the interested guy is going to pursue you. Shift number two is to practice receiving instead of being the one pursuing. Open up to receiving instead of carrying the weight of you actually doing the work in the relationship. Let him plan the date. Let him reach out in advance. Call him to a higher way of being, and notice what he does. Does he step up? Does he lead? Does he invest more? And this leads us to shift number three, and this is the big one. If you've been seeing somebody for a few weeks, and you're starting to feel stagnant or starts to feel harder, the temptation is to chase. The temptation is to compensate for the lack of connection, and this is where you do not wanna chase. You actually wanna lean back. You want him to feel the gap, feel the distance, and then the next time he reaches out, this is where you share your standard. This is where you share your vision, and it can sound as simple as this. You say, hey, I really love getting to know you, and I wanna be honest with you about where I am. I'm really at a point in my life where I'm looking for something real. I'm looking for something that is meaningful, where we're headed in a direction of creating something beautiful together. That's the kind of relationship that I would love to create, and I would just love to know, is that the vision that you have for your love life? That's it. So you're not demanding. You are literally inviting him into a shared vision, and I love that, because that is incredibly compelling, especially for masculine energy, and then you watch what he does, because a man who wants you will move toward that end. A man who doesn't is going to move away. He's gonna drift away. Either way, you know that you're moving yourself forward, either with a man who's interested or by clearing the way from the man who isn't, and here's the beautiful bottom line. When you come from love abundance, you are ultimately shifting your vibration, and you will attract the kind of man who's willing to invest. You'll attract the kind of man who's willing to pursue, attract the kind of man who ultimately wants to deliver you the same kind of happiness that you want him to feel, and it is a beautiful experience together. So my question for you is this. If you're the person who's the giver, and at times the person who compensates for keeping the relationship together, in what ways could you lean back and actually amplify your love abundance? You've got the half of it that's the giving, but are you activating the other half that's the receiving? In what ways could you activate more receiving in your relationships to better align with this love abundance state? That's my question for you. I appreciate you. Here's to you creating an amazing love life. Thanks for watching, and I'll see you soon.