The Cringey Ones with Phoebe | Friends

Why won't you let me massage you? Well, it's I mean, I was just I'd be self-conscious. I mean, you're my friend. I'd be naked Monica We live together for years. I've seen you naked. That's different. We were roommates and when I'm curious about the human body Hey, come on Phoebe you can understand why this would be weird for me, but I'm a professional and I'm really good Look, if you're uncomfortable, we can stop just give me a chance. Okay, please Okay, if it means that much to you it does How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons Dinosaurs potato potato Are you under the sheet? Yes, great. Let's begin How's the pressure It's nice Well Phoebe you are good Stating the obvious, but thank you And it's not weird. Is it? No. Oh That's right, you just enjoy oh, yeah. Oh Yeah, okay. Oh God Phoebe What's going on, oh you make sex noises when you get massaged Yeah, and it really freaked me out and after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on What you're crazy. There's nothing sexual about the noises. I make really there's nothing sexual about this. Oh, oh God, oh What are you looking at I Mean hi. Oh My this is so embarrassing. Oh my god, I'm never gonna get massaged again. No, you can't let this stop you from getting massages No, look, I have I have lots of clients that make the same noise as you do. Really? Well not clients lovers Let's just you know, we'll try it again come back and and we'll work through it you sure yes, I Guess great. Okay. Now just if you'll just excuse me. So did you hear something you like? Come on more. Oh god. Yeah, you like that, don't you? Right there you want it there you take it there, baby Phoebe yeah, say my name say it and now I'm going to cover you back up And Won't be speaking with you for several weeks Excuse me anniversary Yeah, sir, could you could you move your nachos they're in my seat my anniversary Here we are can't believe it's been a whole year I know this has been the best year This has been the best year of my life. I feel the same way You're so generous and kind and you're amazing in bed Anniversary Knicks fans, please. Turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask Lane oh, it's so tacky and impersonal Really? Oh, it's the worst way to propose Excuse me We were at the game and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing, oh that is so tacky Well, that's what I said, but it turns out Mike was planning on proposing to me that same way last night Oh my god, Mike was gonna propose. That's you. What do you want to marry? Yeah. Yeah, I really do Yes, but after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me I don't think he's ever gonna ask again I mean I said no and Barbados and now this she's right if I were a guy and Did I just say if I were a guy Maybe you don't need him to propose to you. Maybe you could propose to him. Oh, I don't know I don't know. Isn't that a little desperate? I proposed to Chandler All right moving on Well, I don't think it was desperate I think it was amazing Well, do you think I should propose? I think it could be kind of great. Absolutely. You'll love the feeling. There's nothing like it Okay, so how should I do it? How about at a game on the big screen? How about at a Foot Locker? But what he obviously thinks that's a nice way to be proposed to plus you'd never suspect it. Yeah, that does make sense Great game, huh? Why do you keep looking at the screen I'm not I'm praying Please let the Knicks win Thank You Thor Where are you going? Gonna go to the bathroom. Well, I think you should wait what? Well, if you don't if you don't hold it in you don't you don't get all the nutrients Mix fans, please. Turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask Mike Hannigan, will you marry me? Get a load of this. She's proposing to him. Yes. We know who wears the pants in that thing Underwear creeping at my butt Crazy underwear always in a rut Oh No, what is he doing here? I just keep playing just keep playing you'll get through this you'll be fine Okay, thank you and as always no one talked to me after the show Hey Passing by and saw you were playing tonight. It's kind of cool seeing you up there Whoa, hey, hey, what's going on here? Who's this guy? I don't know. He just started kissing me get him get him What what Yeah, okay. I've I've been dating both of you and It's been really horrible because you know, it's been a lot of fun for me But I I Like you both and I and I didn't know how to choose So, I'm sorry. I'm just I'm terrible. I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible Phoebe Phoebe relax. It's okay. I mean We never said this was exclusive. Yeah, neither did we give yourself a break? Really? Yeah, I mean, you know, we haven't going out that long. Come on. We haven't even slept together yet You have it You have okay, well, this is none of my business I Hate this year What's wrong with this year? It's already February and I've only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world That was me and Ross No, that's right You know if you want to pick up some extra cash some friends of mine made good money in college doing telemarketing Yeah, it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had, you know, I probably won't have to say spank as much What Yeah, like you never called So basically this is very easy you read from the script and you try to sell as much toner as you possibly can Okay, I can do that. Oh By the way, I love my office Why don't we do a trial run? Oh, okay All right Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire office supplies. Can I speak to your supply manager, please? I'm the supply manager Um, okay. I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs. We don't need any toner. Oh, okay. I'm sorry to bother you. Bye Bye Yeah, you're right. This is easy Okay, what was wrong with that call? Oh, well, all right No offense, but you were kind of rude They're always gonna tell you they don't need toner but that's okay because whatever they say you can find the answer to it here in The script. Oh So I think you're ready to sell toner. Do you have any last question? No Wait, yes, I do. I do have one question. What is toner? We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever Wait a minute unless we give her all gifts that she can use after she's done being pregnant But like I'm like regular coffee tequila. Oh and somebody can get those those leather pants that she's always wanted Oh, she's gonna love that What the hell is this? Actually thought it would make me feel better to give me something I can't even use for another two months All right, what's my next present I wanted to apologize if I you know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower You know, it's just the hormones, you know, I know a week Yeah Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. It was just it was so sweet Wow, you seem to be doing so much better that's great How are things going good, you know, no, but okay, it's it feels like it's everything's been about me lately So what's happening with you? Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross's wedding Oh, I'm just might be too hard given the history And all that Wow, this reminds me of the time when I was Living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him How is this like that well, let's see it's not really like that because you see that was an actual problem and Yours is just like, you know a bunch of you know, high school crap that nobody really gives Well, I'm sorry, I guess I just thought that all right here come the waterworks The curse is broken I called everybody I know and everyone is alive Huh, what ugly naked guy looks awfully still Huh, oh My god, I killed him I killed another one and this curse is getting stronger to bring down something that big Maybe he's just taking a nap. I'm telling you he hasn't moved since this morning We should call somebody and tell them what that the naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving But we've got to find out if he is alive. Yeah, but how are we gonna do that? There's no way Well, there is one way His windows open I say We poke him Remember something this big in logs and be very difficult to maneuver Fortunately, I have a lot of experience in that area Can we please focus here a naked man's life hangs in the balance I'm telling you he's dead. What we're about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke steady Okay a little higher Careful the angle Okay. Okay. We're approaching the window Right the needle thread the needle And yet we're still poking him, okay retract the device retract the device Well, let's say hello to your new home. Oh My She's so nice and big Oh Monica where are you going to display Gladys? Oh so proudly You haven't really settled on a spot yet Well, hey, how about right above the TV that way it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door Yeah, yeah and you can get rid of that French poster I like that poster really doesn't have anything coming out of it Or maybe there's some place for in your bedroom. Oh, there's nothing above your bed. Are you still here? What I'm breaking up with you you're fired Why I'm sorry, I'm just I'm I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. Yeah, and and I'm sorry too, but Well, I just I like things done a certain way and the chemistry is just not right. Oh, that's good the chemistry thing for us, too Okay, I Realize I came on a little a little strong, but it's only because I think you're so amazing and uh, I just want to I want to tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because I You're the most talented chef I've ever worked for anyway Tim wait. Yeah I Think I spoke too quickly. There's a learning curve with this job and Maybe we could try it again Yeah, thank you so much because I know I know I can be better okay and Tim I just want to say good luck here Parading down the street parading goats operating leaving little treats Does it even work without my sexy voice I like it Gunther kiss me I'm still waiting for my paper machine, man Thank you my babies Rachel I Don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day. No Well, we kissed I didn't initiate the kiss, but but I also didn't stop it and I've been feeling guilty Okay, okay, okay you here come here here, okay, you're gonna take this tray you're gonna stand on this yellow mark You're gonna move on action. You're gonna walk over to the operating table. You're gonna stop on that blue mark You're gonna put the tray down. Don't walk too fast But don't dawdle Okay now what And action I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous. Yeah, well don't be Okay, that helps And action Hey, you know what don't worry about if he usually takes me three takes two all right eight Action Somebody say uh Well, he can be a little rough around the edges So I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot with the word puppy Okay, so he said if your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together I am gonna fire her mother puppy ass I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm just not an actor. That's right. You're not you're a nurse You're nurse with Trey Joey. No, no nurse for trade doesn't know Joey. She doesn't have time for friends She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor because if she doesn't people die who dies man with eyepatch And you do your job yes doctor, okay Okay, let's try this one more time. Hang in there man with eyepatch your tray is coming And The rest of the scene Okay from the top people Hey you guys. Oh, hey listen. Let me ask you. Do you believe in soulmates? Oh, yes, I do I do I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone and you know how you find him you stop looking for him That's why I've stopped looking for Russell Crowe They'll find me And you know, I mean, I believe that certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love but Soulmates, I don't think they exist. Okay, good. Why well last night I met Monica's What yeah, I had a date with this guy and I swear to God he is her other half come on don't be crazy You don't think there's somebody out there better suited for Monica than me do you? But what's he like Well, he's tall. Uh-huh. He has brown hair. Of course, of course a tall guy with hair similar to mine Oh unknowable universe He works with food, oh sure older obviously and he's British And he's he's so centered and mature and confident, oh, it's sad They never had a chance to meet luckily the guy she settled for can't hear what you're talking about I'm so sorry, and maybe I'm wrong But you know what? I'm gonna go out with him again. I'll find out more You believe that this guy is destined for somebody else and you're still gonna date him Well, he may not be my soulmate but girls gotta eat. Oh Hi Chandler Monica, this is Don. Oh, hello. Hello. Nice to meet you. How are you? What are you guys been doing well, we just had a terrible lunch today to Attica What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place? I know what is this? 1985 that's exactly what I said Phoebe. Isn't that strange? Not really What's wrong with sun-dried tomatoes On a barbecued chicken pizza, no So dumb what what other restaurants do you like well Octavio 27 and 7. Oh, there's this great little place Alessandro's Oh my god, that's my restaurant. I'm the chef there. You're kidding me. Yeah, your food is fantastic Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu. It's gonna get some coffees first. Um, I don't want to nothing Oh, I'd like a latte. You know what if you're gonna talk about me, I'm gonna go with you What are you doing Nothing I swear to God I didn't know you guys would be here and the good news is you don't even believe in soulmates So I believe in tall handsome strangers who hit on my wife They're just talking and you know, it just cuz I think they're so nice doesn't mean anything's gonna happen Phoebe yeah, good work. Yeah, I'm afraid I love him Don't worry we'll find you someone else, you know, let's just go no. Hey, we're not leaving till we get paid Who she thinks she is? Enough is enough Excuse me, excuse me Thanks Clearly this is a very very hard time for you but we provided a service and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service and We are not leaving here until we are paid every penny because you know what lady we're part-time caterers and we have no place else to go All right, I'll get my bag good I'm gonna leave some cards here Please think of us for your next event You know, I'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful Oh, yeah, you were helpful. Yeah. No, thank you. Good good Yeah, cuz the more I thought about it the more I realized I don't think marriage is necessarily the right path for you What do you mean? Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse You were all caught up in the whole soccer mom thing. But is that really you? I mean, can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo? They are awfully boxy I don't know it'd be so bored with marriage. I mean, it's so normal Uh-huh Hey, hey, can I help? Well, we climbed up four flights of stairs maneuvered a narrow hallway dodged a rabid pitbull But these last three feet are where it gets really tricky You know, sometimes your words they hurt Hey What do you guys want this? Yeah, seriously, this is really heavy I mean not for me because I'm only pretending to hold it but for these guys Just one let one last time, um the marriage thing there's no wiggle room none at all No, but you don't want to get married either, right? Right? Except that I do want to get married Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck, huh? You want to get married someday and hernia I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt like I was missing out on anything, but It just it feels like now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff If you want to get married Why didn't you say something before? Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it and I and I love you and I wanted to live with you Yeah, well, I want to live with you too. I mean, let's do that, but I don't I don't think I can It was it was okay to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen But I can't move in knowing nothing is ever gonna happen. Can you at least try living together? I mean you might you might change your mind about marriage Are you gonna change yours? No Me neither um, I Think I need to be with someone who wants what I want But I don't want this to end No, I don't want it to end either. I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff picked up Yeah Okay, so Oh my god, I know I sound amazing They won't take you to the bed you're obviously not the favorite bed I I've never heard myself sing before I mean except in my own head. Well, this is so cool. Now I can hear what you hear Pretty pretty different. Huh? I am sorry, but I'm incredibly talented Hey Rach, can I ask you something? Yeah, okay, you can totally say no, but um, would it be okay with you? If I set Ross up on a date. Oh With who? My friend Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute And now that you two aren't together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you're not cool with it Which one is Bonnie again? You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She's like, yeah like average height medium build bald Oh That's fine Well, that was depressing I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame Where do you go to movies? Oh wait, this is Bonnie. Hi This is Bonnie This is Bonnie. You're Bonnie. I can show you an ID if you want You look a lot different than the last time I saw you oh, yeah. Well, I just started wearing bras again. Oh, that must be it Well, I hope you have fun tonight, thanks you too, okay You said she was bald. Yes, she was both she's not now How could you not tell me that she has hair I don't know I hardly ever say that about people oh Well, this is just perfect I'm sorry. I thought you said it was okay. Yeah, I said it was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick I mean, you know That girl has got hair all over her head Well, maybe it won't work out. Maybe Ross won't like her personality. Why did you have a bad personality? Oh, no, Bonnie's the best How did it go with Bonnie oh I gotta tell you I wasn't expecting to like her at all I mean, I actually wasn't expecting like anyone right now, but she's really terrific It's too bad No, I I'm saying I liked her yeah, you know what there are other fish in the sea Thieves I think she's great. Okay, we're going out again. Okay. I hear you. Are you capable of talking about anything else? Okay, would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant or inside his shower drain oh My god Phoebe look, it's Ross and that girl No, no, look at that. It's a line of ants Right, oh, yeah Wow. Oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Oof. I hope he lets her down easy Let's come on Phoebe. Look at that. They're not breaking up. Look at them. Okay, that's you know what that is That is it. That is a second date. That's what that is. Look at that. She just put her hand on his thigh Oh, no, that really is nothing. She's very sexually aggressive. Oh Phoebe this is all your fault. Now. He loves her. He's gonna marry her and this is all your fault You said it was okay. You said she was bald Was was was was We just can't let it happen, okay, we have to do something we had to break them up Okay, you just go in there and like shave her head. You owe me one bold girl Okay, first of all breathe Second of all, I don't get it. Aren't you the one that decided you didn't want to be with Ross? Yes, well, isn't he your friend don't you want him to be happy? Yes so I Just you know, I didn't expect him to be this happy so soon. Oh Oh No, what oh we killed them all Nothing is the nine millionth ring store. We've been to and I can't find the perfect ring Ugly ring ugly ring ugly ring It's a beautiful selection Okay, so maybe you don't get her a ring maybe you maybe you do something different, you know Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, you know or an engagement tiara An engagement revolutionary war musket You know, I'm so glad I picked you to help me with this Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry? Yeah, I'm gonna stick with the ring Girls night out indeed Okay, so now I think Emma is probably down for the night but if you need anything we'll be fine right you go have fun Okay, you too. I hope you score God remember the girls nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross Oh God It seems like forever ago. I know oh So what's going on with you and Ross? Um, I don't know. I mean for a long time nothing, you know, actually right before you pick me up Ross and I had a little thing. Oh my god. I love things what happened? Well, um first he told me he liked how I looked and then we had a little Eye contact Eye contact. Mm-hmm. I hope you were using protection Excuse me, um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar Should we send them something back? Oh, let's do let's send them mashed potatoes That's gonna make them think they can come over here So what if they do we're not here to meet guys you have a boyfriend. I have a baby and a Ross Yeah, but nothing has to happen we're just having fun, you know, not everything has to go as far as eye contact So we're on our way to a couple of parties Maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun Yeah, I'm sorry. We weren't really looking for anything to happen with you guys. I I have a boyfriend. All right It's no big deal So she has a boyfriend what is your situation? Oh Well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend, but can I have your number? I'm sorry. No No, sure. Oh My god, you're giving your real number Okay, thanks, I'll give you a call later tonight So that's great You Bill Ross and Emma are gonna be so happy together What were you thinking? I don't know. He was cute and he liked me. It was an impulse. But what about Ross? What about your moment? Don't you want to talk to Ross about it? Oh, no, because I know exactly how the conversations gonna go Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before yeah Me too Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it. Yeah Me neither. Hmm Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling? Yeah, that works for me Yeah, I see what you mean by the way nice Ross imitation But your Rachel wasn't whiny enough what hey better Well, the point is maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know, I should just move on with my life So really you're moving on from Ross. I Don't know. Do I have to decide right now? Well, you kind of just did that guy's gonna call you tonight Ross is gonna pick up the phone and that's pretty clear message. Oh my god Ross Ross is gonna pick up the phone. Oh I have to get my number back. Oh my god. He's gone. I have to get my number back. Oh my god. He's gone dead on Hello, hey Mike, it's me. Listen is um is Ross near you? Uh, no, I just left. Well, you have to go back in What go back to the land where time stands still? I'm so sorry, honey, but okay Rachel gave this guy her number and she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone So you have to intercept all his calls. I can't do that. He says he can't do that. Okay Hi, Mike. Hi. Listen, I know that this is a lot to ask but you know what if you do this Phoebe will do anything you want Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff. All right I'll get it Hello Ross's place Mike speaking that's for you Don't understand what just happened here Glad you're back. I really need your help. Oh, why what's up? Well, I have an audition for this play and for some of it. I have to speak French which according to my resume. I'm fluent in Joey you shouldn't lie on your resume. Yeah, you really shouldn't and by the way, how is that year-long dig in Cairo? He's okay I Did not know you spoke French we be a surge of a force a kiss could do boss Allah. Oh, you're so sexy Well, so will you help me? I really want to be in this play. Sure to the pleasure a puma monami Seriously stop it. I want to jump on ya Seems pretty simple. Your first line is my name is Claude. So just repeat after me You're my pet cloud. You're the coop plow Let's try it again. Okay. You're my pet cloud shut that please blue It's not quite what I'm saying Really sounds exactly the same to me it does really yeah All right. Let's just try it again. Really listen got it Yeah, my pet cloud Shut the flu flee I'm on dear. Oh the foof Mattel Claude Get the cold blue Okay, maybe if we just break it down Okay, let's just let's try it one syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat after me Yeah, yeah, ma ma pelle pelle great. Okay faster. Yeah. Yeah, ma ma Je m'appelle me poo poo It's too hard, I can't teach you what are you doing? I have to go before I put your head through a wall Don't go. I need you. My addition is tomorrow so blue blah me lapis Count from 1 to 5 2 3 4 5 Blue blah flu flank Good job. Thank you Hey Joey Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot. No, I was too impatient. So let's try it again Oh, no, that's okay. I don't I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say I am pretty good Really can I hear some of it? Sure. Sure Okay Blah blah blah See You're not you're not you're again you're not speaking French. Oh Well, I think I am yeah, and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part How could you possibly think that for one thing the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job Whenever you're ready Joey, right? Yeah, boo-boo cloud Flip ooh la la blue blah blue I'm sorry, what's going on? Dude? Come on French it up Joey do you speak French to tell us more? Blue blue blue You know what I think this audition is over Excuse me, I am Eugene Phil Ange. I Was passing by when I heard this man speaking the the regional dialect of my French town of Estelle order You really think this man is speaking French Okay Je vais vous dire la vérité C'est mon petit frère il est un peu retardé Alors si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui good job little buddy That was some really good French But I think we're going to go with someone else for the part. Oh All right, but my French was good. It was great Merci. Au revoir. Yeah to kill a fruit