The Ones with the Dads | Friends

I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd have said, get out of my office. Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all? I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying if someone had come to me with the idea of this... Dad, dad, dad, I'm talking about the whole, uh, baby thing. Did you, uh, ever get this sort of panicky, oh my god, I'm gonna be a father kind of a thing? No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about? No, no, dad, I was just wondering. Because it's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that colonial Williamsburg. How about we do that? Thanks, dad, really, I just... You know, I just, I just... I just needed to know, um, when did you start to feel like a father? Oh, well, I guess it must have been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing. And all of a sudden, you grabbed my finger with your whole fist and you squeezed it so tight. And that's when I knew. So you don't want to go to Williamsburg? We can go to Williamsburg. Eat your fish. Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor. Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby? Well, that's his last name. And his first name. He's Bobby Bobby? It's Robert Bobby. Oh. And, um, excuse me, he helps me. Oh, please, ask her how. What do you need help for? With my alignment. I got one leg shorter than the other. Oh, my God! Argue with that. What? It's true. My right leg is two inches shorter. Come on, you're just tilting. Her legs are fine. I knew that. So why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? I'm sorry, let her? What can I do? She doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance either. Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance? But what if somebody steals something? How are you going to run after them with one leg shorter than the other? Would you, uh, would you like some juice? I'd love some juice. Okay. Wow, this is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see? Yeah, honey, I'm standing right there. Why don't you just tell him about the mall? I haven't gotten checked yet. Excellent. Hey, Dad. What are you doing here? Well, it's your mother's bridge night, so I thought I'd come into the city for a little mana cuddle. Since when did you start smoking cigars? I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here, Dad? Well, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. What makes you think that I might not be okay? I saw Richard. Oh? So, how are you doing? I'm fine. Just a little tired, but I'm okay. How's Richard doing? You don't want to know. No, I, I really, really do. Well, he's doing terrible. Really? Worse than when he broke up with Barbara. You're not just saying that, are you? No, the man is a mess. Was he crying? No. Well, do you think he was waiting till after you left so he could cry? Maybe. I think so. Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your mom and me. You know, after we graduated from college, we broke up for a while. It seems her father, your grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However... He's really funny. I wouldn't want to be there when, when the laughter stops. Whoa, whoa, back up there, Sparky. What did you mean by that? Uh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. You know, that you use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance. Huh. I mean, I just met you. I don't know you from Adam. Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty. Uh-huh, how did you know that? It's textbook. Hey, you guys. You all know my dad. Hey, how long you in the city? Just for a couple of days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on a ferry. I don't know this one. Oh, this is my friend, Roger. Hi. Hey, hey, good to meet you, Roger. You too, sir. What happened to the, uh, puppet guy? Dad, uh... Oh, oh, excuse me. So, Ross, uh, how's the wife? Uh... All for two, huh? Uh, Chandler, quick. Say something funny. Was that that little bit of oil that should have lasted just one day burned for... Eight whole days. That's right. And that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end. Awesome. My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. The armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part. Okay, Ben, it's time to light the Hanukkah candles. Hey, looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here. Come on, come on, we're lighting the candles. Oh, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral? Miss Green, your father's doctor's on the phone if you'd like to speak to him. Oh, great. Um, are you going to be okay? He's unconscious. I think we'll be just fine. Okay. Did the TV wake you? No. When you put your feet up on my bed, you tugged on my catheter. Ouchie. What are you doing here, Geller? Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second. So what's new? Oh, I had a little heart attack. Is it painful? What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you? Let's see if we can get that Rachel back in here. So what's new with you, Geller? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately? Nope, just the one, Rach. Hey. Hey, how was it? Well, I had a great time. Chauncey, on the other hand, I will tell the story. It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said that I could call him Dad. And what did he ask you, not to call him? Daddy. All right, look, here's the story. Well, we had just finished playing racquetball, and we were going to take a steam. I walk into the steam room, and it's really steamy. So I take off my glasses, and that's when it happened. Guys? Over here. Have a seat, son. God, Chandler, I can't believe it. I know. You gave my father a lap dance. Why did they put so much steam in there? Because otherwise they'd have to call it the room room. Why, okay, why? Why did that have to happen? Come on, it's not that big a deal. Not that big a deal? There was touching of things. Chandler, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part? Listen, I'm sure that Dad doesn't care. He probably thought this was really funny. He'll be telling this story for years. I don't want him to tell this story for years. Oh, but he will. He still tells the story about how Monica tried to escape from fat camp. I wasn't escaping. Then how'd you get caught in the barbed wire? I was trying to help out a squirrel. You were trying to eat it. If that is your father calling to tell this story, then the marriage is off. Come on. Hello? I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. Okay, I'll call you later, Dad. I love you. All right, I'm off to see your dad. Whoa, whoa, aren't you a little overdressed? Yeah, and you better make sure he tips you this time. Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figured the best way to do that was face to face. And by face, I don't mean his lap. And by face, I don't mean my ass. So you understand, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you didn't tell people what happened. You know, I'm a little embarrassed about it. I understand completely. There's nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy, I was unemployed. And her father asked me what I did for a living, and I told him I was a lawyer. What did you do when they found out? They never did. So if you ever see me giving them legal advice, just nod along. Shall we? Well, I guess we wear swimsuits in here. I know you. Do we have a name yet? No, not yet. That's fine. For now, we'll just call her Baby Girl Green. Oh, no. Baby Girl Killer Green. I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. Oh, that's nice. No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they hike me, the baby. And I know I've got to do something, because the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me. Tampa Bay has got a terrible team. Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us. And so I just heave it downfield. What, are you praying that's a baby? He should take the sack. Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm going to get there in time, right? So I am running, and I'm running, and that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father. Hey, you're going to be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're going to make a great dad. Yeah, Ross, you and the baby just need better blocking. Oh, my God, Phoebe, you're on fire! I know! One more score to go, you can do it! Don't touch him! Don't touch her! Phoebe! Get the machine! I miss you, too. I love you, but it's getting real late now. Hey, Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazzita, and... Excuse me? Did you know this isn't Ma? Her name's Ronnie. She's a pet mortician. How long you been... When you were a little kid, I used to take you to the Navy Yard and show you the big ships. Since then? No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. Joe, you ever been in love? I don't know. Then you haven't. You're burning your tomatoes. You'll want to talk. Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women. Oh, man. Please, tell me one of them is Ma. Of course one of them's Ma. What's the matter with you? Hey, Joe. Dad, Ronnie's here. Hi. Hey. Hello, babe. What are you doing here? Oh, uh... Well, you left your good hair at my apartment. I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. Thank you. So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk? Look, I, uh... I shouldn't have come. I better get going. I don't want to miss the last train. No, no, honey. I don't want you taking that thing. Oh, where am I going to stay? Here? Whoa-ho. We'll go to a hotel. Go to a hotel. No, you won't. No, we won't. If you go to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you. You're going to keep an eye on us. That's right, mister. And I don't care how old you are. As long as you're under my roof, you're going to live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend. Wow. He's strict. Now, Dad, you'll be in my room. Ronnie, you can stay in Chandler's room. Thanks. You're a good kid. Come on. I'll show you to my room. That sounds so weird. When it's not followed by no thanks, it's late. Now, this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you've got to make a change. Six years is long enough. What kind of change? Either you break it off with Ronnie... I can't do that. Then you've got to come clean with Ma. This is not right. I don't want to hear it. Now, go to my room. I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun. It wasn't fun? Why? Why would you... I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want. I don't think that. Before today, I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time. The truth is, Dad, we're trying. What? Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant. Oh, my God. This is so exciting. Well, get back in there. I'll guard the door. It's okay, Dad. We can wait until later. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think so. Aren't you ovulating? Daddy. Well, you've got to get at it, Princess. When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip. It's funny. This conversation is how I got the bullet hole in my head. So? Come on. Explain yourself, Geller. First, you get my Rachel pregnant. You got Rachel pregnant? Who did? You did. Yes. Yes, I did. But it was just a one-night thing. It meant nothing. Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you? Nothing? No, no, sir. She means a lot to me. I mean, I care. I love Rachel. What? Oh, but not that way. I mean, I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend. Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend? You get her in trouble, and then you refuse to marry her? Hey, I offered to marry her. But I didn't want to. Well, why not? So you could spend your time with this tramp? Tramp? I'm sorry. Dr. Green. Mona. Dr. Green. How could you have kept all of this from me? I was going to tell you, but... But what? You figured you'd get what you wanted, then you'd dump her like you did Rachel. Hey, I did not dump Rachel. Nor are we still together. Can I... Why don't we just let the machine get that? Hey, Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here, and we thought maybe you'd know something about it. I need to lie down. Hey, you feeling better? Yeah, I think that Fitzshower actually got the interview off me. So, do you have any other possibilities? Oh, yeah, well, there is the possibility that I won't make rent. Well, if you want, I can lend you some money. No, no, no, because if I couldn't pay you back right away, then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you. Oh, okay. Well, then why don't you borrow it from Mom and Dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. Might as well make some money off of them. So, what's this? Some of your old stuff. Well, sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym. Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question. Why not Ross' room? Gosh, we talked about that, but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges. Well, we didn't want to disturb them. Oh, God forbid. You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there. Hey, guys. Hi, darling. Where's my grandson? You didn't bring him? No, he's at Carol's and Susan's today. A woman in my office is a lesbian. I'm just saying. Oh, Jack, look. There's that house bank commercial that cracks you up. Where have you been? Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet? No, but that's probably because I haven't asked them yet. Come on, Monica, do it. Hey, you guys. Monica has some news. Um, yeah. So, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before, but, um, I'm no longer at my job. I had to leave it. Why? Because they made me. You were fired? What are you going to do? Judy, Judy, relax. This is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck. Where does it go? In the bank. The bank. There you go. So, she dips into her savings. That's what it's there for. She's going to be fine. And if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. Anything larger back there? Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, um, like this. But I'll still always come back like this. And sometimes I may be away longer like this. But I'll still always come back like this. And sometimes I'll want you to steal third and I'll go like this. Oh, he is so amazing. I know. Look at him. Ben. Hey, Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name. Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. Oh, look, he's opening his eyes. He doesn't do much, does he? No, this is pretty much it. You guys want to get some coffee? Yeah. All right, I'll see you guys later. Oh, you told your dad the truth about an hour ago. Want to go see a movie? Yes. Bye, Dad. Hey, I do, too, think about the consequences of my decisions. But what gives you the right to... Go to hell! Stupid guy on my phone. I'm here. We were just... Wow. What? Great, now I'm having a baby. What? No, I'm having a baby. I'm having a... Wait, the phone. I'm hurt. Hey, Ross, look what I got going here. Yeah, save it for the cab, okay? What are you doing? We're going to a hospital. What, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there. Joey, get out of the fridge. All right, all right. What is that? For the ride. Oh, yeah, like in a cab. Save it. Okay, hating this. Monica, come on now, let's go. Baby coming, come on. I can't believe it, I'm gonna be an aunt. Oh, that's... I'm gonna have, like, a nephew. Oh, that's nice, get out. Let's go, come on. Here we go. What do we do? Twins. We're panicking. Uh-huh. Join me, won't you? Okay, what do you say we keep one and then just, like, have an option on the other one? We can't split them up. Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody. Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible? What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king? Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt. We're not ready to have two babies. That doesn't matter. We have waited so long for this. I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies. I don't care if the entire cast of Eight is Enough comes out of there. Do you think they recognize each other from in there? Maybe, unless they're like two people who've lived in apartments next to each other for years and then one day they're pushed through a vagina and they meet. Oh, look at these little bunnies. I know. You ready to trade? Okay. All right, let's see. Baby. We could trade later. Yeah, I'm good. I'll probably never be able to make it up to you, but here's a start. What's this? It's the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche. What? I've been thinking of getting rid of it and I was driving it the other day and I saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother's right. I do look like an ass. You're giving me your Porsche? You're kidding me, right? Well, wait a minute. I mean, a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche? Why don't we take it for a spin? All right. What about me? I'm a medical marvel. You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay? Mm-hmm. You sure you're all right? Yep. Okay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast. FYI. There it is. In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it. Wait, wait. You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing. Really? Well, it seems to me if you had done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied. Well... Oh, stop that. I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding. Oh, that is so hot. Hey, I was looking out for you. Oh, really? Well, Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me. I gotta say, I've not had sex a lot of times before. This is the worst ever. Oh. Oh, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me, either. Oh. Okay, you know what? Hey, hey, you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say you and me never having sex again. What? That's right. Sex is off the table. I am never having sex with you again. Dr. Green, are you feeling better? Let's go. Oh, yeah. About telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter. All right, you know what? That's it. You've had your chance. What? Mom, Dad, Ross smoked pot in college. What? You are such a tattletale. Mom, Dad, you remember that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana? Yes. Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot, but it was me. I'm sorry. It was you? And, Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys. Ross did. Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing. Monica did. Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year. Monica and Chandler are living together. Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced. Again! That's a lot of information to get in 30 seconds. All right, Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you're in an important relationship is beyond me. And we kind of figured about the porch swing. Ross, drugs, divorced again. What happened, son? I-I, uh, I got tricked into all those things. Chandler, you've been Ross's best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. Now you've taken on Monica as well. Well, I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being. Thank you. No! Thank you! Monica and Ross, I don't know what I'm gonna do about the two of you. I'll talk to them.