The Ones with Daddy Ross | Friends

Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Do you want to know? No, no, no. No, I don't want to know. Absolutely not. No, I think, you know, I think you shouldn't know until you look down there and see. Oh, there it is. Or is it? Oh, hello, Ross. Susan. So, so, did you hear? Yes, we did. Everything's A-OK. Oh, that's so... It really is. Do we know? We certainly do. It's going to be... Oh, hey, hey, ho, ho, hello. See, a guy who doesn't want to know is standing right here. Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be? Mm-hmm. I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know. I mean, if the doctor knows and Carol knows and Susan knows... And Monica knows. How could you know? I don't even know. Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna. I asked, she told me. So what's it going to be? Huh? Oh, great, now he knows and I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt. Or an uncle. No, I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want. No, no. See, because not all guys out there are going to be Apollo. No, I know. I know. And I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one. What? I'm having a boy? No. In fact, you're not having a boy. I'm having a boy. Am I having a boy? I'm having a boy! What is it? I'm having a boy! We already knew that! I'm having a son. I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. Oh, that's nice. No, no, with him. I'm on this field and they hike me, the baby. And I know I've got to do something because the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me. Tampa Bay has got a terrible team. Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us. And so I just heave it down field. What, are you crazy? That's a baby! He should take the sack. Anyway, suddenly I'm down field and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm going to get there in time, right? So I am running and I'm running and that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father. Hey, you're going to be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're going to make a great dad. Yeah, Ross, you and the baby just need better blocking. I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd have said, get out of my office. Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all? I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying if someone had come to me with the idea that... Dad, dad, dad, I'm talking about the whole baby thing. Did you ever get this sort of panicky, oh my God, I'm going to be a father kind of a thing? No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about? No, no, dad, I was just wondering... Because it's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that colonial Williamsburg, how about we do that? Thanks, dad, really. You know, I just, I just, I just needed to know, when did you start to feel like a father? Oh, well, I guess it must have been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing. And all of a sudden, you grabbed my finger with your whole fist and you squeezed it so tight. And that's when I knew. So you don't want to go to Williamsburg? Well, we can go to Williamsburg. Eat your fish. Ross! Ross? I'm here. You are? We were just... What? Great, now I'm having a baby. What? No, I'm having, I'm having a baby! The phone, the phone! I don't have the phone! Ross? I'm hurt. Monica, let's go! Come on now, people, women in labor! Hey, Ross, look what I got going here. Yeah, save it for the cab, okay? What are you doing? What are you doing? We're going to a hospital. What, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there. Joey, get out of the fridge! All right, all right, all right! What is that, for the ride? Oh, yeah, like in a cab. Save it! Okay, hating this. Monica, come on now, let's go! Baby coming, come on! I can't believe it, I'm going to be an aunt! I'm going to have, like, a nephew! That's nice, get out! Let's go, come on, let's go. All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going. Here we go. Ben, you ready? Yeah. All right, give me your foot. Okay, on three, Ben. One, two, three! Come on, Ben. Okay, that's it, Ben. Okay, what do you see? Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vet. Wait. Yes, it is, in fact, a dark vet. Babes, it's open, it's open! Wait! You forgot your legs! Push! Where have you been? Long story, honey. All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need, I need, excuse me, can I have this? All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room. There's about to be one more. So anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go. Okay, good luck. Good luck, you guys, good luck. Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner? Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. But I'll still always come back, like this. And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. But I'll still always come back, like this. And sometimes I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. He is so amazing. I know, look at him. Ben? Hey, Ben. Nothing, I don't think that's his name. Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. Oh, look, he's opening his eyes. He doesn't do much, does he? No, this is pretty much it. You guys want to get some coffee? Yeah. All right, I'll see you guys later. Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again. Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we get together for a drink? So, uh, you want to go to Marquel's? Well, sure, they love us over there. Hey, where's your baby? Oh, that's good. Baby will hear you and pull the cord. Stop the bus! Hey! Hey, there's a baby! Wait, wait, wait! Hey, Ben. Hey, buddy. Please tell me you know which one is our baby. Well, that one has ducks on his T-shirt and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks. Or clowns. Oh, oh, wait, that one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth. Yeah? Hey, Ben, remember us? Okay, the mole came off. What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns? Oh, we're going to flip for the baby? You got a better idea? All right, call it in here. Heads. Heads it is. Yes! We have to assign heads to something. Right. Okay. Okay, uh, ducks is heads because ducks have heads. What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. Aw, there's my little Ben, Ben, Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying. Yes! There's still pie. I'm here. I'm here. How's my little boy, huh? You want Daddy to change your diaper? I know. I know. So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Jim today? Oh, yeah. He rode the bus today. Well, big boy riding the bus. Hey, I have a question. How come it says property of human services on his butt? You. You are gonna love this. Can you hold Ben for a second? Come here. Come here. Stay back! I've got kiwi! Run, Joey, run! Here's my boy. Here's my boy. And here's his Barbie. What's, uh, what's my boy doing with the Barbie? He picked it out at the toy store himself. He loves it. He carries it everywhere. It's like a security blanket. But with ski boots and a kicky beret. Yeah, it's cute. Why does he have it again? So, it's got a doll. So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up to be in show business. This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that he's been raised by two women, would it? You know what? It's fine. If you're okay with the Barbie thing, so am I. Give Daddy the Barbie. Give me the Barbie. Don't you wanna play with a monster truck? No? Okay. How about a dino soldier? G.I. Joe. G.I. Joe! I don't know what to tell you guys. That's the doll he chose. What'd you do? Dip it in sugar? Look, G.I. Joe's in. Barbie's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's just you're too bad. What are you being such a weenie for? Somebody's a Barbie. Big deal. You used to dress up like a woman. What? What, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time? What are you talking about? The big hat, the pearls, the little pink handbag. Okay. You are totally making this up. How could you not remember? You made us call you B. Oh, God. I've literally never been this happy. Wasn't there a little song? Oh, please, God, let there be a song. There was no song. There was no song. I am B. I drink tea. Won't you? Won't you dance around with me? Hey. Hello, sir. You here to return those pants? No, these are my pants. Okay. How can I help you? Do you have a Santa outfit left? Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man. Do you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son. I really don't want to disappoint him. Come on. You've got to have something. I'm the Holiday Armadillo. I'm a friend of Santa's. And he sent me here to wish you a Merry Christmas. What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo? Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas. Oh, come in. Have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from Texas. Texas? That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico. But Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. Maybe the lady will help me with these presents. Oh, thanks. You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas. And Happy Hanukkah! Are you for Hanukkah too? Because I'm part Jewish. You are? Me too! Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert? Well, was that that little bit of oil that should have lasted just one day burned for... Eight whole days. That's right. And that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end. Awesome! My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part. Okay, Ben. It's time to light the Hanukkah candles! Hey! Oh, wow! Looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here. Coming! I have a bone to pick with you. Yes. Ben learned a little trick. Oh, yeah. Did he pull the old... That's right. That's right. Saran wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere. Oh, that. Yeah, that. You know I hate practical jokes. They're mean and they're stupid and I don't want my son learning them. Oh, come on. Saran wrap on the toilet seat? You don't think that's just a little funny? I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him, right? Yes. Oh, my God, Phoebe, you're on fire! I know! One more score to go. You can do it! Don't touch me! Don't touch her! Go left. Go left. Go right! Go right! I can't! Phoebe! Oh, hi, Ben. Now don't look at the machine! Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That's been one heck of a seesaw, hasn't it? What? I mean, look, that one night we had was fun and certainly passionate, but don't you think it's better if we just stay friends? Seriously, what? Okay. Okay. You know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean, I'd be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now. Okay, you know what? Can I talk now? Oh, sure. Okay. I'm pregnant. Ross. Okay. Whenever you're ready. And you're the father, by the way, but you got... Can I get you some water? I'm good. I'm good. Ross, there is no pressure on you, okay? I mean, you can be as involved as you want. Yeah. I, uh... I'm just... I don't know. I don't understand. I don't know how this happened. We used a condom. I know. I know, but, you know, condoms only work, like, 97% of the time. What? Well, they should put that on the box! They do. No, they don't! Well, they should put it in huge black letters! Okay, Ross, come on. Let's just forget about the condom. Oh, well, I may as well have. Listen, you know what? I was really freaked out, too, when I found out. Hey, I'm not freaked out. I'm indignant as a consumer. You know what? Let's talk later. No, no. I want to talk now, okay? In fact, I want to talk to the president. Of the condom company. Okay, you know what? Maybe I should come back. Yeah, I'll press one. Hi! Hey, hello. Welcome home. So, how was the honeymoon? It was great, it was great, but how about you? I mean, you're having a baby. Oh, look! I have a sonogram picture. Oh, good. Ross, it's got your wavy black lines. All right, so now that Ross knows, can you tell us, you know, how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen? Monica, that's not right. Well, start with where. So? Come on! Explain yourself, Geller. First, you get my Rachel pregnant. You got Rachel pregnant? Who did? You did! Yes. Yes, yes, I did, but it was just a one-night thing. It meant nothing. Oh, really? That's what my daughter means to you? Nothing? No, no, sir. She means a lot to me. I mean, I care. I love Rachel. What? Oh, but not that way. I mean, I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend. Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then you refuse to marry her? Hey, I offered to marry her! But I didn't want to. Well, why not? So you could spend your time with this tramp? Tramp? I'm sorry, Dr. Green. Mona, Mona, Dr. Green. How could you have kept all of this from me? I was going to tell you, but... But what? You figure you get what you want and then you dump her like you did Rachel. Hey, I did not dump Rachel, nor are we still together. Oh, wait. Is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine. Your page said come to the hospital. What? What was it? What happened? Something called Braxton Hicks contraction. Oh. My God, that's no big deal. Most women don't even feel them. Okay, no uterus, no opinion. Hey, what's with the candy? Oh, when you beat me, I was online at the concession stand at the movie theater. Oh, you went to the movies by yourself? No, Mona! I gotta go back in there. What? Why? What's wrong? No, everything's fine. I just gotta go back in there. No, really. Tell me, what's up? I forgot my underwear. So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital. Oh, hey, don't worry about it, man. Don't worry about it. No big deal. Yeah, but still, I mean, it should have been me. I'm the dad. If you have any questions, here's some information on Braxton Hicks. Oh, thanks. Oh, and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You're gonna make a wonderful father. Oh, uh... Hey, not as good as this guy. He brought Twizzlers. I noticed you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items. Oh, yeah. Actually, that's one of the reasons why we are not a couple. I chose those. I'm a paleontologist. Really? That is so cool. Oh. Oh, yeah, don't get too worked up over it. I mean, it sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not. Oh, no, no. I'm fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book? Yeah, I teach it in my class. Oh, my God. I'm standing at a cash register, I'm holding a credit card, and I'm bored. Oh, I love your neighborhood. There's a great gym right around the corner from your building. That's my gym. I could tell you work out. Paleontologist who works out. You're like Indiana Jones. I am like Indiana Jones. All right. Yes. From home to the hospital in under seven minutes. We did it. Yes, the hard part is truly over. No, but come on. We're off to a great start, aren't we? I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record. Oh, you made it. How the hell did you beat us here? We took a cab. Did you guys walk? No, we took a cab, too, but I did test runs. Hi. Hey, you made it. Okay, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital? Ross, you stay here and talk. I'm going to go have a baby. Hi, this is Rachel Green. I'm Ross Geller. We called from the car. Right. We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. Semi-private? We asked for a private room. Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately, we can't guarantee a private room. And currently, they're all unavailable. Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner. I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have. Okay. Just give us a second. Ross? Yeah? Give her some money. I really think they're out of rooms. They're not, Ross. They're just saving them for the important people, okay? What if I was the president? Well, then we'd be in a lot of trouble. You don't know where any countries are. Okay. Say, would you mind checking again? See if any private rooms may have opened up. This is a hospital. Okay. You know what? I have to say, I don't really care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in the city. And we have no problem... Whoa. Oh, gosh. Whoa. What? What? Oh, ow. Contraction. Ow. Ow. Where'd she go? They're just wrapping her up. Okay. Well, be careful with her. She's really tiny. Here she is. I see you. Thanks for coming out of me. I know. Oh, she's looking at me. Hi. I know you. Do we have a name yet? No, not yet. That's fine. For now, we'll just call her Baby Girl Green. Oh, no. Baby Girl Killer Green. There she is. She's so beautiful. Oh, my God. She's amazing. I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had sex. It's incredible. I mean, one minute she's inside you, and then 47 hours later, here she is. She looks so real. You know what I mean. Okay, my turn. My turn. Oh, Phoebe. Yes. Oh, baby. Oh, you're so cute. Oh, I could squeeze your little head. I won't. Honey, what's the matter? Nothing. I'm sorry. I just can't stop crying. The doctor said it's completely normal with all the hormones, plus you're sleep deprived. So? You guys are all sleep deprived? I don't see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh, gosh. What's the matter now? I was reliving it. So, do you know what you're going to call her yet? Oh, wait a minute. It's not going to be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original. Actually, we've narrowed it down to two names. Yeah, and you know what? I love them both. So, why don't you just pick one, and that'll be it. Okay, everyone. This is Isabella. Oh, I love Isabella. Hi, Isabella. Hi. What? That's not her name. I'm sorry. She just doesn't feel like an Isabella. What was the other one, Ross? Delilah. Oh, great. At least she sounds like a biblical whore. So, I guess we're back to Baby Girl. Yay! What are we going to do? It's okay, honey. You'll find a name. Easy for you to say. You already know what your kids' names are going to be. You do? Yeah. I've had them picked out since I was 14. Oh, no. It's going to be named after some snack or baked good, isn't it? Well, tell us. What are they? Um, okay. If it's a boy, it's Daniel. And if it's a girl? I don't want to say. Oh, don't tell us. We're not going to want it. Okay. It's Emma. See? I don't want it. Take it. What? She's clearly an Emma. Oh, honey, but you love that name. Yeah, but I love you more. Besides, you know, nothing goes with Bing, so I'm screwed. Okay, well, the super's not home, but hey, you know what? My mother's going to be here in a minute, and she has the key. I can't wait that long. You have to do something. Knock that door down. I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, you know, everything's going to be fine. The baby's sleeping. What if she jumped out of the bassinet? Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped. Oh, my God. I left the water running. But you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Wait, did I leave the stove on? You haven't cooked since 1996. Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and... Oh, my God. You know what? I think you're right. I think... Listen, listen. A pigeon. No. No way. No, no. An eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talent. Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment. Boy, are you going to be sorry if that's true. Thanks, everyone. We finally found a nanny. This is Molly. Molly, Chandler, Joey. Hi. Oh, somebody's getting a little fussy. You're damn right I am. I've been waiting for a cookie for seven minutes. Okay. You know what? I'm just going to take her outside. No, you stay. I'll do it. Okay. Thank you. Nice to meet you guys. Yeah, you too. Wow, Molly. She's just great. Yes, bravo on the hot nanny. What? You really think she's hot? Are you kidding? If I wasn't married, she'd be rejecting me right now. Joey? How do you think she's doing? Am I the only one that doesn't think that she's hot, Ross? I mean, she's not unattractive, but hot, huh? Thank you. Now that Rachel's gone, so hot, I cried myself to sleep last night. You're not going to believe this. I was just saying goodnight to Emma, and she said her first words. Joey, what did she say? She said gleba. Make me rich! Isn't that amazing? Yeah, no, no, no. That's great. Why aren't you more excited? Rach, gleba's not a word. Well, of course it is. Okay, what does it mean? Well, I don't know all the words. I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words. Well, yes, you did. Gleba is a word. Okay, use it in a sentence. Okay, uh, Emma just said gleba. It's not a word. Okay, okay, okay, fine. I'm going to look it up. Oh, oh, okay, great. You know what? While you're at it, she said another word the other day. Why don't you, uh, why don't you look up... All right, okay, okay, gleba. Gleba, gleba, gleba! Ah, here it is. The fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi. She's going to be a scientist. Hi. Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video. Oh, good, good. We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma, and we'll give it to her when she's 18. Oh, cool. Wow, it's like a time capsule. Yeah. Oh, just think. She's going to be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet. With friends who right now are just like babies. And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people. That's the hope. So, is Emma awake yet? Oh, no, it's still nap time, but she'll be up soon. Ah, where's Joey? I said it's still nap time. Oh, hey, there's Uncle Joey. Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday. 18, huh? Joey, no. What? What? It's for her hot friends. When they see this, you'll be 52. And starting to think about settling down. Hi. I'm so glad you came. I can't believe Emma's already one. I remember your first birthday. Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard. We had to take him to the emergency room. There's something you didn't know about your dad. I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby, you'll be. Wow. That was amazing. Thank you so much for that gift. I was not ready for this today. Emma, your name poses a dilemma. There's not much else rhymes with Emma. Maybe the actor Richard Cranor. He played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday, Emma. Is that it? Of course not. No, I've also, you know, prepared a reading. Sex and the single mother. Finding your G-spot. No, no, no. Hello, Emma. Happy 18th birthday. Right now, that seems so far away. 17 years. Yes. You'll be all grown up by then and we'll be... Well, your grandfather and I might not be here. That's true. This message could be coming to you from beyond the grave, Emma. After all, my parents died very young. And my cholesterol's off the charts. Remember, Emma. Heart disease kills women, too. Okay, cut. Great, great. That was, that was just... Yeah. Well, you know what? While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday. Huh? Okay? Hi, Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap? We're Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us because we haven't spoken to your parents in 17 years. We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you.