Jon on Trump's Nagging Epstein Scandal & Desi on Sydney Sweeney Jeans Ad Madness | The Daily Show

Let's begin tonight with a young man by the name of Donald Aloysius As you know this young man has been embroiled in the Jeffrey Epstein sex trafficking scandal and did what anybody who is innocent when facing an accusation of this type did what anybody who was innocent would do he he fled the country he fled the country taking a jaunt to bonnie old scotland that's probably not the right accent to leave his troubles in the united states behind and finally gain an ocean's distance between himself and the Epstein scandal and focus on his new trade deal with the eu i'm sorry yes you there from the Inverness castle times mr president was part of the rush to get this deal done so not the jeffrey epstein story oh you got to be kidding with that he's all like how did you even hear about i thought i thought you guys just got baywatch like three months ago doesn't anybody here have a question about this trade deal sinking both of our economies with tariffs then why do i have to make the tariffs before you guys shut the up about epstein but of course how do you expect the media to move on when even trump has trouble doing so so it was on the day of striking a trade deal with the eu donald trump presented once more this time for the edinburgh fringe festival his classic epstein defense 13 reasons why i'm not involved with a pedophile those files were run by the worst scum on earth if they had something they would have released now they can easily put something in the files that's a phony which is why i can't release it it's simple if i donald trump was in the files they would have released it so clearly i'm not in the files but of course i'm clearly in the files which makes them phony i mean what do they even have on trump a creepy drawing trump gave to epstein please i don't do drawings i'm not a drawing person your honor i submit to the court if there is one thing i would never do it is draw as you know i suffer from tiny hands i cannot physically even perform the task of drawing i do not possess the motor skills and muscle strength required oh i cannot draw not now not ever although sometimes people say would you do a building and i'll draw four lines and a little roof you know for a charity so but but i'm not a drawing person i don't do drawings of women that i can tell you i mean sometimes people would say would you draw a woman draw a parentheses for press and a triangle for bush for charity for charity i wouldn't call them drawings more of a cubist pastiche of punctuation and geometric shapes to trick the eye some would see a naked woman of course others would see an old woman holding a falcon riding a hoverboard with a triangle for a vagina look the point is this i don't draw in trump's defense he did end with epstein uh in the in the alts uh perhaps in a look into why he ended it will exonerate trump that's such old history uh very easy to explain but i don't want to waste your time by explaining it he did something that was inappropriate what he said was epstein had done something inappropriate and that's why they're no longer friends you see donald trump recognized that epstein had finally crossed a line now if it were me obviously giving this explanation in front of reporters i probably would have stopped there since i am not uh and i had trump went on to describe epstein's inappropriate behavior and wait till you hear what was the rubicon that epstein he hired help and i said don't ever do that again he stole people that work for me i said don't ever do that again he did it again and i threw him out of the place persona non grata yes you all know him as jeffrey epstein the sex trafficker but i knew his dark side he was i mean the sex trafficking i was like okay but he was also a low-level employee poacher and that anyway mr president do you want to slice this bologna any thinner by the way i never went to the island and bill clinton went there supposedly uh 28 times you expect me to believe that bill clinton went to the island only 28 times no way i mean if anybody had vip diamond island status they're probably still parrots alive on that island going hey bill back again but here that is truly the the best parrot impression you'll hear here comes my favorite part of of the defense trump's ego and narcissism are so central to his being that even his denial of going to the island comes with a caveat i never had the privilege of going to his island and i did turn it down for privilege hey donald want to go to the island this weekend well first of all jeffrey thank you for thinking of me unfortunately that's the weekend that the teen pageant that i bought is installing the indoor security locker room cabinet really but luckily for trump it wasn't all epstein related pressers he was able to get in some of his beloved whack-a-ball mr trump are you enjoying the scottish hospitality are you enjoying the scottish hospitality there you are you enjoying get in my belly are you there you go that's what it's about that's gotta soothe trump's soul mr trump can you escape the jeffrey epstein crisis is epstein what they yell in scotland instead of four epstein boy this you know but this is tough to extend the golf metaphor trump finds himself in the rough but he's a championship caliber golfsman battle tested and i think we all know how the best golfers in the world get out of a bad line donald trump being busted cheating at golf we can see a caddy dropping a ball there for the president while he played at one of his courses in scotland when it gets tough the tough pay someone to cheat for you but this moment on the course seemingly random could not be more representative of trump's entire existence he moves with complete confidence in this world because he requires that everyone in his orbit do whatever they can including cheating to ensure that things go trump's way there's been his whole life don't want to go to vietnam get a podiatrist friend of the family to bone spur you up your casino is failing perhaps daddy can illegally float you three million in chips to try and save impeached for an attempted coup your caddy today is the kentucky fried reaper never like to speak ill of the dead obviously for the epstein case trump has no shortage of caddies willing to shame themselves here's congressman tim burchett pre-trump being named in the files congressman why do you think so many democrats are committed to protecting the list of a dead pedophile too many of my colleagues i'm afraid are compromised uh in this area for whatever reason the trash can is very deep it's not a it's not a it's not a swamp it's an open sewer it's a sewer democrats are all over the plane logs it's an open suit i'm sorry trump was also on epstein's plane uh need a ball drop over here you know president trump admitted that he flew on his dadgum plane just because somebody flew on a plane doesn't mean they're a dadgum pedophile wow you know what i always find that the worse it is the folksier they get well well mr mr trump he's not a daggone gosh darn dag nabbit pedophile i mean kiss my grits i don't i'll guarantee you he's not using that terminology in other sex offender cases well gosh darn if diddy ain't two biscuits short of a country biscuit he's two biscuits short of a country breakfast but that don't make everyone at the freak off crackle barrel us i honestly think my favorite thing about this is watching conspiracy theorists have to unravel the red string that they themselves originally strung out here's the og conspiracy theorist glenn beck at his excitement for trump's beginning of the second term the only thing i care about is the um the scandal of the pedophiles and uh in the next 10 days you're going to see the epstein file released day number one uh cash patel walks in by the end of the day it will be released day one deep state exposed oh i'm sorry trump's in the rough i'll get right on that ball drop what the left is saying and some people now on his team are saying he's in the report with 15 year olds really do you actually believe that i have seen some clips that would be consistent with did buy a teenage beauty pageant but listen back you're the master at making connections so let's see you unconnected i mean let's be honest 20 years ago if you know this was like hey he was on an island with 25 year old models i i i would be gone probably okay 15 16 year olds that's not donald trump it's not donald trump i don't believe that do you i say that's no way that's true there's no magic x you can't just magic x conspiracy there's uh white people being replaced by voting illegal immigrants no the x has spoken but of course trump's coyotes can't do everything and it's given democrats hope that they finally have donald trump for so long the democrats have been wily coyote to donald trump's roadrunner the democrats thought they had trump with the felony convictions they thought they had trump with the access hollywood tape but every time he got away but now with the reporting on the epstein files the only way that this guy wiggles out of this one is if for some reason convicted sex trafficker ghislaine maxwell swears under oath that trump had nothing to do with it but why would she do that coyote you finally got the roadrunner mr president pardon for ghislaine maxwell who landed is that something you would ever consider it why pardon for who for ghislaine maxwell well i'm allowed to give her a pardon as we said trump is in scotland right now seeing as his favorite island destination has been shut down the president travels overseas it's important for them to project strength and dignity although in an uninvited insect made that a little harder for president trump damn girl you got moves what is this is he voguing shoe fly sashay away feels like trump's accidental dance moves are way more impressive than his intentional ones very weird anyway i do understand why he was so frantic that mosquito was also asking trump about jeffrey epstein now to be clear trump was not just wasting time playing golf he was also wasting time profiting off golf the president capping off his trip by officially opening his latest golf course today in scotland let's go one two three just a reminder this man is still the president of the united states there's a lot going on in the world and he's at a ribbon cutting ceremony to promote his golf course is this his side hustle or is america his side hustle who knows i have no idea the point is we're just used to this now but imagine if when obama was in office he kept flying on air force one to open up pizza hut taco bell franchises i uh want to announce we killed bin laden and the new chalupa is half price at 3 p.m live moss not you bin laden but don't worry while trump was in scotland his administration was busy with the hard work of making things weird at home looks like the trump administration is encouraging federal workers to talk about their religion in the workplace a memo from the office of personnel management cites the guidance as being protected by the first amendment and says employees can tell others to rethink their beliefs but they must stop if their co-workers tell them to no absolutely not if you're going to approach me at work and ask have you heard the good news it better mean there are donuts in the break room otherwise move in zachariah can you imagine how humiliating it would be to have your fundamental worldview changed by susan from accounting and who would have the balls to convert a co-worker i don't even feel comfortable telling my co-worker she should get bangs she should though stacy you should get bangs we need bangs but trump's biggest achievement this week was the trade deal he announced with the european union and since we all know trump is so good at deals it means everything is now going to be cheaper the u.s will impose a 15 percent tariff on most european products we import american businesses will pay those tariffs and pass the cost along to consumers by raising prices it is amazing what individual products we could see impacted here from autos to botox as a result of these tariffs everything from automobiles to botox am i pronouncing that right is that right i don't know i'm not there yet not there yet don't google it um but okay the trade deal is going to make things more expensive which makes you wonder what are we getting out of these tariffs anyway we have so much money coming in we're thinking about a little rebate a little rebate for people of a certain income level might be very nice okay now this is the art of the deal everyone pays more for everything and then a few of us maybe get a little bit of our money back man this guy is always playing 5d hitting yourself in the balls keep in mind trump also promised rebate checks from doge but all we got out of that was trump calling elon musk a drug addict and elon saying trump was a pedophile you know what never mind that actually is better than a rebate so yeah yeah whole thing is just a mess and you know who i feel worse for those poor penguins who we tariffed who now have to suck for rent money let's start with christine gnome secretary of homeland security and woman who keeps insisting that she and her daughter get mistaken for sisters she was down in argentina this week to sign an important visa agreement so as you would expect this is the video she released government diplomacy or a valtrex ad i won't let sores stop me from getting in the saddle can you imagine how nervous that horse was remember christy gnome shot her dog for talking back and then shot her goat to get rid of the witnesses she was petting that horse like this could go one of two ways see biscuit i dare you to give me a reason all kidding aside breaking news we actually scored an exclusive interview with that very horse let's go live via satellite to christy gnome's horse oh this is awkward never mind let's move on to the environmental protection agency which used to protect the environment but is now run by this man lee zeldin seen here watching an oil tanker crash into a coral reef and he's telling the environment hey girl it just feels better without protection a stunning reversal that could have unprecedented climate impact the epa is now looking to repeal a 2009 study linking man-made climate change to health hazards the 2009 declaration has served as the basis for climate regulations like limiting emissions from cars and power plants now the white house is rolling it back in what epa administrator lee zeldin is calling the largest deregulatory action in the history of the united states all right this is crazy what kind of epa chief wants to make the environment worse does he have that munchausen by proxy thing where he gets off on making the planet sicker oh earth you're coughing again here take these special vitamins that are definitely not poison but look how would zeldin know that climate change was a problem it's not like he can just look at what's right in front of him epa is proposing to rescind the 2009 obama epa endangerment funding to eliminate all of the greenhouse gas emissions regulations that followed including electric vehicle mandates 126 degrees or as we'll call it in 20 years winter gosh in 20 years i'll be 35 oh yikes don't google it let's move on to secretary of state marco rubio the only man who says i'm all ears and means it the state department's latest target is something very close to my heart cervix the government may destroy almost 10 million dollars worth of birth control bought with tax dollars instead of sending it to women overseas it's sitting in a warehouse in belgium right now and most of these items don't expire for another two to three years but the state department says they may have to burn all of this birth control now that usaid has been dismantled officials say it'll cost almost 170 thousand dollars to destroy all of those contraceptives are you kidding me they would rather spend 170 thousand dollars to destroy 10 million dollars worth of birth control that they already bought rather than give it to women who need it at least sell it you're donald trump just slap your name on it call them trump cooter shooters and rake in enough cash to pay down the national debt i don't know figure it out this is why people should start stocking up on birth control now personally i always have at least seven to nine iuds implanted at all times you never know when the girl in the next doll is going to need one and finally let's move on to pete hexeth the defense secretary who puts the tank in another tangeray please he's only been on the job for a few months but he's already looking for a promotion defense secretary pete hexeth has privately discussed running for political office next year specifically for governor in his home state of tennessee oh pete what an awesome idea you'd be a great governor of tennessee i am so sorry tennessee but you're you're just gonna have to take one for the team on this thank you oh yeah wow it makes so much sense you should just leave now and go do it in fact why waste time you should resign yesterday tennessee we are never gonna forget you all right he would be a good governor or not he could definitely use a change of scenery because after six months of dealing with leakers in the defense department he's kind of starting to lose it defense secretary pete hexeth has finally earned a rare rebuke from the white house over his obsessive paranoia about leakers inside the pentagon hexeth was directed by the white house to stop using polygraph tests to search for people leaking information to the media that's right hexeth has been polygraphing so many people the white house had to tell him to stop do you know how paranoid you have to be for even trump to be like calm down not everything's a witch hunt and by the way who's pete hexeth to be accusing other people of leaking he's like if you've got something to say you don't text a reporter you come to me and then i'll leak it to a reporter on a signal chat that's the protocol people that's the protocol for the past few weeks the national conversation has been totally dominated by the jeffrey epstein story but who would have thought that the thing that knocked it off the top of the charts would be sydney sweeney doing the most laid-back line delivery i've ever seen in my life jeans are passed down from parents to offspring often determining traits like hair color personality and even eye color my jeans are blue sydney sweeney casper keynes so much okay so there were a bunch of different reactions to this ad some people thought yeah pretty standard ad where a hot person tells you to buy stuff other people were like wow desi i saw you in that jeans ad and you looked great and then i had to be like no that was sydney sweeney it's a common mistake anyway but then there was another reaction online which is that the ad wasn't just selling jeans it was also subtly promoting white supremacy and as you can imagine that spawned an incredible right-wing backlash what these left-wingers don't know is that they are revealing themselves to be the actual racist here racist against white people they're mad because she's young hot healthy white and blonde liberals just they just hate hot people they just yeah that's a great point it's a great point it's a great point i thought they just hated meat and freedom but they also hate hot people they do by the way are you guys kidding liberals love hot people they love hot people so much they're apparently willing to give them one free murder but it wasn't just right-wing media it was also people who you thought had more important things to do like pick me senator ted cruz texas senator ted cruz uh he wrote on x uh wow now the crazy left has come out against beautiful women i'm sure that will pull well yeah you tell him ted cruz hey if you want to talk ---- about a woman and get away with it you better be talking about my wife and if you can believe it it gets grosser than ted cruz she's a hot beautiful biological woman and everybody loves it i thought it was a joke about her you know two most uh prominent assets i'm sorry as a red-blooded american male it's not her blue eyes or her skin that uh i first see when i look at that picture she is a lovely young woman too young for me unfortunately why do you think people are so mad about that ad it seems much less sensual than the one brooke shields did back in the 1980s sensual brooke shields that was sensual these guys are so horny for a jeans ad that they started remembering older jeans ads they were horny for they're withdrawing 40 year old treasury bonds from their spank bank now betty boop she was sensual can stewart varney please not say sensual anymore you celebrate the sensuality that's in those those two jeans ads you like it oh stop saying sensual do you ever see that time lapse video of a deer decomposing in like 10 seconds every time i hear him say sensual that's what happens to my uterus guys saying sensual can make anything less sensual and i mean anything jeans are passed down from parents to offspring sensual sensual not can anyone possibly make this story even more gross donald trump jr posted this ai generated image poking fun at sydney's commercial donald is so hot right now you know what you know what i am done hearing from men on this perhaps we can get some sound analysis from someone who isn't suffering from boner brain fog finally we have an actual woman with amazing breasts and an obviously kick-ass body who is in a dress or inner jeans whatever and it's wonderful jesus and kelly's more horned up than they are it's almost making me miss sensual basically megan thinks the people who oppose this ad are just jealous haters who wish they were as hot as sydney sweeney but come to think of it i did see someone going after her recently who was that again sydney sweeney the new toast of the town out there because she's got these enormous breasts that everybody's obsessed with the minute you say you love boobs the next you don't what are you my in hindsight very gay high school boyfriend and by the way sydney isn't the first woman megan's gone after for being hot i object to like j-lo and shakira showing their vag at the superbowl she dresses like a prostitute she looked like a hooker look at this her enormous breasts and a bathing suit was her chosen outfit she hasn't come to grips with the fact that she's not a sex symbol anymore you seem to be a desperate hoe wanting strangers to admire your vagina yeah yeah that's right women you listen to megan kelly and hide your sexuality unless your body makes liberals mad in which case it's a kick-ass body hell yeah go with those liberals here help me god she will destroy you hoe bags but remember this whole thing started because people were calling this ad a racist dog whistle and whether that was intended or not the reaction was definitely more of a dog megaphone we're sick and tired of the nonsense where you are not allowed to ever celebrate someone who is white and blonde and blue-eyed we are over this woke agenda we're over the lizzo's we're over the dilemma vanes if this was a 300 pound non-binary person they would be applauding her i was so sick of seeing these just fat unappealing losers who've destroyed their bodies she's not a plus-size swim model on the cover of sports illustrated she's not a male prom queen this ad is the final declaration that we're done doing that ---- guys guys guys guys calm down it's just an ad for johns this is such bullshit blonde women have had constant representation okay in entertainment in fashion in letter turning it's not that it's not that they want to see more white women it's that they want to see none of anyone else for a story about boobs it sure has a hell of a lot of assholes