The Real Reason Your Sensitive Child Shows No Empathy for Others

If it feels like your sensitive child has zero empathy for others and only cares about themselves, that apparent selfishness is hiding something much deeper. And by the end of this video, you will know exactly what that is and how to help your child actually express empathy in a way that others can see and feel it. Because yes, your sensitive child does feel empathy for other people. And there are two tips I'm going to show you that are going to help them actually express that empathy. If you're new here, welcome. I'm Dr. Hillary, Harvard educated clinical psychologist, parenting coach, and mom to three sensitive, emotionally intense kids. I've been working with kids and families for the last 15 years and I specialize in helping end the constant meltdowns. Now let's get into the video. So look, it is so common to look at a sensitive, deeply feeling child and to think that kid has no empathy. They don't care about their impact on other people. They can't take ownership for their behaviors. It seems like they actually just don't care. It can even look like they wanted to hurt someone. They lash out, they say horrible things, and then they don't say that they're sorry. And when you call them out on that, they double down. And that can lead you to think, is something wrong with my kid? Do they actually not care about other people? Or even am I raising a psychopath? Those feelings are real. They're scary, scary feelings to have as a parent, right? And they make sense. And you're not a bad parent for having those thoughts. But the truth is that your sensitive kid is not a psychopath, okay? They're not lacking empathy. And they actually feel really deeply. Sensitive kids often care more, not less. So what are you seeing if it's not, my kid just doesn't care? What you are seeing is the impact of shame. And that shame is sitting like a brick wall between your child and the ability to actually show the empathy that they feel. So here's what's actually happening when your child looks as though they have no empathy and they just don't care. When a sensitive kid does something that hurts someone, that wave of shame, which is that I'm a bad kid feeling, washes over them. And that shame is a natural byproduct of feeling things deeply. And it is also a byproduct of knowing what you should be doing, knowing that it's not okay to hit, kick, say mean words to people, but not yet being able to execute on stopping your body, stopping yourself from saying those words or doing those behaviors. So that shame floods your child. And that shame is so uncomfortable and intolerable that your child unconsciously walls themselves off. They go into self-protective mode and they wall themselves off from any more vulnerable feelings like rejection, sadness, or remorse for the thing they just did. And here's the thing, to come out of that I'm a bad kid headspace, your child has to feel enough emotional safety to actually feel vulnerable enough to access, Ooh, I messed up. And from that place only can your child access, I can do better. So if your child is completely flooded by shame, they literally cannot access the vulnerability to be able to say, I messed up and I can do better because it feels like they are so bad inherently that admitting that they did something wrong would be like admitting their bad. So only when your child feels that sense of emotional safety, can they access the vulnerability that's required to say, I'm sorry, to check on a friend and see if they're okay to acknowledge that they messed up. All of that requires vulnerability. And a kid who's drowning in shame does not feel safe enough to get vulnerable. So instead they deflect, they deny, they double down. And that reads as, I don't care. I'm infallible, right? But that's not what's actually happening. So the empathy is there. There's just a wall of shame around it that keeps your child from being able to relationally express that. So how do we teach our child to express empathy? Well, the biggest thing is we've got to get rid of that wall of shame. And here's how we do that. One, you've got to be able to show your child real empathy. And most parents think that they're doing this. Of course I show my child empathy. Of course I care. But in practice, they're not actually giving their child real empathy. A lot of times what you think is empathy is actually this forced kind of interaction where you say things like, I can see that you're upset, but it's not okay to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or I see that you are so upset right now while you're like ready to scream at them because you're so frustrated. If you don't actually feel empathy for your child's struggle, if in your head you're like, oh my gosh, stop overreacting. Drama queen, right? If that's where you're at, I can guarantee that no matter what words are coming out of your mouth, your child is not receiving that as empathy. But kids learn empathy by receiving it. So we can't lecture our kids to the point where they're going to go say, I'm sorry. We can't force our kids to go say the words, I'm sorry. Because at that point, all they're doing is saying words. They're not offering real meaningful repair. And there's a big difference. But when you can meet your child with real empathy, empathy that you actually feel towards them in that moment, not forced and not fake, especially in their worst moments, which is when it feels like they deserve it the least, but it's when they need it the most. You show them what that feels like to be understood, to be loved, warts and all. And from that place, they start to feel safe enough to access those more vulnerable feelings of remorse. So we're going to show our kids empathy. And then number two, we are going to actively and consciously reduce the shame in their world. Because here's the thing. No matter what you do, sensitive kids feel a ton of shame. They recognize the gap between where they are and where they should be because they know better, right? We say this all the time. She knows better. He's old enough to know better. Why is she still acting like this? Well, your child feels that too. Sensitive kids are incredibly perceptive. And so your child feels that they're not meeting expectations for you or for school or for the community around them. They know that. And that feels really, really bad to them. So they feel a ton of shame no matter what. We have to consciously, purposefully de-shame our interactions with our kid. So we do that largely by changing how we show up when they are losing it. The meltdown, the hurtful thing they said, the moment they pushed their sibling, right? Can we show up differently to those moments? Those are the highest shame moments. And how you show up either builds that wall or it takes it down one brick at a time. When you can stay steady and connected to your child and connected to their goodness, because you do, you have a good kid. Even when they look like they don't care, you have a good kid who is struggling. And when you can stay connected to that goodness and you don't pile shame inadvertently on top of a kid who is already drowning in it, you will see that shame start to come down. And here's the counterintuitive part. The more you tell your child that they need to take accountability, that they need to go say sorry, that their behavior is not okay. The more you lecture your child and talk at them about their behaviors and the impact of their behaviors and their feelings on others, the less vulnerability they are going to have, the more shame they are going to feel, and the less you're going to actually see that empathy come out. So we've got to stop lecturing and start creating emotional safety. And this is much easier said than done, but it is the most important shift you can make when raising a sensitive kid, especially if you want to see that natural empathy come out organically in interactions. So look, your kid is not broken. They are not missing empathy. There is just too much shame getting in the way right now of them expressing that empathy, and that is something you can shift. And if that is what you want to do, I want to invite you to click the link in the show notes and watch my video, How to End the Meltdowns in 8 Weeks or Less, because I go deep into this process of creating emotional safety and lowering shame in that video. So thank you so much for listening, and I will catch you in the next episode.