Happy Wife, Happy Life Podcast | Episode 5

Your love's in the dumps. You're feeling real dreary. You need some advice. Send us your query. We've got big thoughts, but marital experts will certainly not. It's Bridget. Carmen. And Kristen. And Kat. No podcast on earth gets more wifely than that. Again, we're married. We're married and gay. Don't do what we do, just do what we say. Happy wife, happy life. If your wife's not happy, you're blind. Hello, everybody, and welcome to the happy wife, happy life podcast. We've got four wives, two couples and zero experts. That's right. You heard it here first. We're not experts, but we're so excited to offer you insights and advice on love and marriage and everything in between. I am Kat Davis. With me, as always, are the wives, starting with my wife, the lovely Kristen Smith. Hello. She is lovely. And across from us, the equally lovely Craiginess is. That's me. I'm not. I'm Bridget McManus. And I am here with the sexy, beautiful, one of a kind. My goddamn soulmate. Carmen Craiglow. Wow. We are off to a raucous start. We are really nailing this. We are experts at names, love, marriage. Guys, let's get this party started, shall we? Is it time, do you think? How are you guys? Are you ready to go to the nursery bowl? Thank you to everyone who submitted questions. We shall see what the powers that be will draw from the nursery bowl. First nursery bowl question. This comes from Astrid from San Luis Obispo. I'm newly single and I want to do things differently than I've ever done before. I'm a Leo and I have always dated Capricorns and Pisces. It never works out. Should I look for a girlfriend based on her astrological sign? If so, which sign should I date? Oh my God, this is totally Carmen because Carmen is our expert astrologist over here. I was going to take this as your astrologer. Astrologer. This is the most West Coast question we could ever get. Ever. From the West Coast, what are you going to do? Don't judge Astrid. OK, here we go. The answer is yes. Really? You should look for a girl based on her sign. That's just basic lesbianism 101. That's what you do. And then you get her birth time. Oh, so he's going deep. You gotta get that star chart, man. Gotta get the whole chart. The sun sign is just a little sliver of the story. It's an important part of the story, but it's not the whole story. You need to get her birth time. You need time, date, place. And with that, you could do a whole bunch of scary ---- that will tell you way more than you ever wanted to know, but you definitely needed to know about this particular girl in question. And I will tell you, from personal experience, we have based our successful marriage on astrology. The roots are deep. It's so true. The roots are deep. I did her chart, like, upon meeting her, obviously. I knew Carmen liked me the moment she asked me my birth time. I was like, what? Because I'm not, I was an indifferent person with astrology. Like, I would read it in, like, you know, the newspaper or whatever. But I was like, whatever. I didn't, it didn't make any sense to me. But when she asked me, the way she lit up was like, when were you born? I was like, oh my God. I felt like she was looking into my soul. It was very dirty. Well, if you had known that I would have made the decision, yes or no, based on that data, you might not have been so excited about it. Wow. But wait, so you literally asked before you got serious with Bridget what her sign and birth time were? Well, Kat, hang on. This feels like the sort of thing that, like. But they, but they dated and got married within like five minutes. So that's just one conversation that they had. And it worked for them. But I'm just saying. We're meeting new people in a conversation. If Carmen asks about their astrology, then I know that she vibes with them. And there's been times that I've been like, oh, Carmen does astrology. And I look over like, kind of like, hey, do you want to do their chart? And I can tell Carmen's like shaking her head. Like, I don't want to do the chart. Like, I can tell if she likes somebody, depending on if she cares about their astrological. Wait. So what's the astrological sign of our question asker? So that's what she's asking, right? Like, which one? She said, I'm a Leo and I've always dated Capricorns and Pisces. And it never works out. So Pisces is a water sign. Right. Capricorn's an earth sign. Leo's a fire sign. So who should she date? Well, I mean, as a Leo, I would say, get yourself a Libra, like I did, and just become a glamorous power couple. So tell us why, because not everybody who's listening knows what the hell you're talking about. It's true. So you're a Leo and she's a Libra. And all I know is that I think one of those involves scales. And the other one is a very cute lion. Correct. Please tell us what you bring to the table. No. See, good job, Kat. Yeah. I mean, there's 12 signs. I could do a whole day on astrology. Welcome to my TED Talk. It could happen. I'm not going to do that. If you just do a little basic hunting, you can find out there's apps now. There's apps. Well, but I mean, what is it about you as a Leo that attracts you to a Libra like Bridget? What makes it work for you guys? Well, Leo's are typically dramatic. They like glamour and beauty and art and fabulousness and larger-than-life everything. They like being the star of the show. So like Madonna's a Leo, like that kind of Leo. I mean, she's kind of like, yes. She is a Leo. Mick Jagger's a Leo. So like very showy front people. Whereas Libra, I consider, you think of the scales. I always say like, you take care of other people more than yourself. So it's back and forth. We definitely keep score. But Carmen always says it's very flourishing and loving. Yeah. I think the thing that I personally like about Libras, and Bridget's the only Libra I ever dated. I never, ever, but I always wanted to date a Libra because they're pretty and they're artistic. That's what they're known for is being beautiful and artistic. And I'm like, yes and yes. I like all of these things. I am the last day of Libra, so I'm very close to Scorpio, which makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Oh. So crazy. So the cat and I, she's a Sagittarius and I'm an Aquarius. And so, I mean, but mostly the only thing that I ever really draw from as far as our compatibility is the fact that she's fire and I'm air, which is like good, but sometimes bad. But sometimes when you figure it out, good. I want to call bullshit on all of this. However, I used to only date Tauruses and Leos. I realized in looking back and Kristen and I are the same signs as my parents. And sometimes the fights we have are the same as the kinds of fights that my parents have. And I feel like, okay, well, there you go. Like she said, sometimes it's great. They've been together for 50 years, but like sometimes it's a real. Once you figure out how to control the fire and the air, then it's okay. Cat is actually my second Sagittarius. My very first girlfriend that I had when I came out, like the first girl I ever lived with, just Sagittarius. And her birth date is like two days after cats. Wow. Interesting. And they look very similar. Yeah. We met and I was like, oh, well, she has a type and it makes total sense that like, like we were just like, huh? Well, that's a mirror. Weird. And I also had that feeling of like, I can't hate you, which happens to me all the time with Sagittarius is like they have big personalities or like there's something about them that just rubs me the wrong way. And I, I will be like, and I love you for it. Like, there'll be like the most, most insufferable person in the cast, but it's just like, but there's something about it. I can't stay mad at you. I can't quit you. And then I figure out there's Sagittarius like me and I'm like, oh, that makes sense. Same person. Well, Carmen and I, we go so far that like we picked our wedding date depending on our composite chart. So when she, Carmen laid our charts on top of each other, kind of scissored. Thank you for keeping it in a realm that I understand. Yeah. And so we actually picked our, or she picked our wedding date. It was like some, some random Friday at like 115. Cause it's when our charts. What was it? It was the good transits for our composite chart. So like we made our chart scissor, which is like the composite, right? It's like finding it's putting, it's doing an overlay of your two charts and finding the midpoint and that midpoint, like the midpoints of all the places in your chart, it creates a new chart essentially, which is the chart of your relationship. So like if someone, if I, if someone I know it's like, I'm dating this new person and tell me about them, I'll look at that person's chart. But what I'll really want to do is look at the, the composite chart of the two of them together, the chart of their relationship, because the ---- really comes out there. Like I've seen things and I've told people about them when I see them, if they're friends, I tell them what I see, if they really want to know. And it's always right. So Astrid, bitch, you got astrology. It's real. Yeah, it's real. And just stay away from the Capricorns. I'm such a drag. No, she's a, she said she was a Leo and she dated Capricorns and Pisces. So thank God. Stay away from yourself. For a Leo, it's, it can be a lot. It's kind of a pissing contest with the Capricorn. It's a lot of power struggles. I don't think it's worth it. New game. All right, wives. Are you ready for a game? Yes. The game is Mystery Dream Date. That was bad. Okay, Mystery Dream Date. Here we go. All right, wives. Your wife has died. Don't worry. Now she's a beautiful ghost. She has sent you a message from beyond that you get another lover and you get to put in requests of the things that you want of this lover. And this, and your wife is saying, Hey, guess what? I'm a ghost now. You can't love me forever, but I'm going to, I'm going to make the most perfect partner for you now that I'm gone. This is amazing. I can feel Bridget being like, no, this is a demon because my wife would never want me to be happy after she died. This is a demon. I thought she would give me a map to the other side so I can meet her. All right. So listen, so here's what we're going to do. We're going to break this down into components and you're going to pick one thing, one ingredient for, uh, for, for your new mystery lover. All right. So the first section, we're going to, we're going to break it down by the house because we don't leave the house anymore, right? I mean, we're going to break it down for the zones of the house. All right. So here we go in the kitchen. All right. This is the like positive thing. You get to pick up your person. They always do the dishes. They cook great meals or they happily go grocery shopping. Now, hold on. This is for our, this is not our beautiful ghost wife. This is our new, this is your new person that your ghost wife is going to help build in in the other side, in the other realm. I miss my ghost wife so much. Okay. She's right next to you. I'm not digging. I want my mystery dream date to always do the dishes. Okay. So Kat picks dishes. Oh, I mean, I hate grocery shopping and she's such a good cook. I guess if I'm trying to bring in Carmen as much as possible, she can cook this new ghost person of the second wife, whatever. Yeah. Oh yeah, babe. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm just getting the things that she used. My wife is a great cook. It's fine. No, I don't care though. I want someone to do the dishes. Carmen, what do you pick? I, you said, they said, you said happily do the dishes. Um, yeah, we'll always do the dishes. They'll just, they just do it. Dang. I want those dishes done. Climb out. Do I bitch when I do the dishes? No, but I also don't want the next one to bitch. Okay, here we go. Now we've done our kitchen. Now it's time to move to the living room. Do you want your new person to always be captain of the remote? Happily gets up to get you something from the kitchen. Even if it doesn't matter how comfortable they are. They're like, yeah, man, I will get you that thing every time. Or they are massage central. Oh, dang. I want, I want massage central and is always going to go get me something from the kitchen. You can pick one cat. Pick one. Shit. Oh God, I need you to pick it. Get me water. I'm always thirsty. Okay. Please. And I can get water for myself, but I can't rub my own shoulders. So massage central baby. Ooh, I like this. I like this new, I like my Mr. Dream date. They're doing dishes. They're giving me massages. All right, Carmen, what do you pick? Does a massage include a chiropractic adjustment? I bet if Bridget was a ghost, she would definitely throw that in there for you. Want some acupuncture too? And acupuncture. Yes, I will take, if I can get an adjustment with that massage, I'll take that. And acupuncture, why not? All right, here we go. Now it's the, it's the end of the night. And so now we're all kind of like hanging around the bathroom, getting ready for bed in the bathroom. Your person is not there because they have their own bathroom. Sorry. Your person in the bathroom always takes at least an hour long shower, but there is always an optional plus one invitation. They always, uh, they, they need to make sure that there's always a candle burning in the bath in the bathroom. So we either get drought or fire. Or they have hundreds of personal care. Listen, your, your, your mystery date. I don't want any of this person. Your mystery date is not going to be perfect. What? Every part of this person is high maintenance in the bathroom. Can I get one that cleans? Yes, please. Wait, wait. The candle, like are they pooping and they need a candle where they just love always having a camera. Always smells good. Okay. I'll take the smelling good bathroom over the shower. If you're in, if you're in the shower for an hour, I'm going to be asleep by the time you get in bed with me. All right. I love candles. I'll take hundreds of personal care products because I agree with them. I mean, I'm like, that seems absurd, but at least I can see serums, hairdo. I don't know. It's a palatial home. There's plenty of space. What do you pick, babe? Um, I also like hair care products and skin products. I'm going to take all those products. Oh man. Guys, listen, Carmen and Kat, they're building the same person right now. All right. Now we're in the bedroom. It's going to get, it's going to get a little personal. Oh, spicy. Okay. In the bedroom. Your person is always a top, always a bottom, or always has socks on. All these are bad. Can I have the socks on? Which one of them turns my heating blanket on for me? That's what I want to know. I want to have some hot socks with you. Oh my God. I don't like these options. Um, always a bottom. Okay, should we get a divorce? Jesus Christ. I know we've made it work. Well, shoot. I mean, once I get this baby out of me and I can lay back on my back again, if I'm going to have sex every day of the week, then I'll take a top. I'll take, I'll take a *******, always a top. Wait, if she's a bottom, will she, will she take it when I give it to her? I mean, isn't that what a bottom has to do? Isn't that the job description? But like willingly and excitedly. Consent is an important part of your mystery date. Carmen's dead. So stop weighing in ghost wife. Uh, I'm just saying she's consenting and excited by this. Yeah. Oh yeah. She's a bitch bottom and I'm, I'm ramming her every ******* night. There we go. Can I change my answer? Cat's coming to live with you. Yeah, sure. Why not? I think, I think I agree with Bridget. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. High five. So everybody wants a bottom. A bitch bottom. Take it, take it, take it. I mean, I wouldn't call her a bitch bottom, but I'm new to this. Okay, here we go. Now you have to pick your new mystery date's bad habit. All right. She loves me too much. Ellie is shining through. Her bad habit is she always, she bites her toenails. Every time she burps, she goes. Or she, she lives her life. According to Jenny from the L word. I was like this. If she can bite her toenails, that's some flexibility. Ew. Cash. No. Silver lining way to find a cat. I'm going to pick the Jenny Schuchter because I've already dated some people like Jenny Schuchter. So I know I can handle it. All right. The second option is every time she burps, she goes. I'll take that. That's fine. Yeah, I'm taking that for sure. Because burps are disgusting, but it's so stupid. All right. Listen, ladies. So all of your ingredients of your new mystery dream date have been, uh, have been received. The dream dates need to go, uh, get made and put together. Okay. You're going to have to wait until you get a knock on your door to meet your mystery dream date. Well, well, well. Can we get a mystery dream date? Well, okay. While we wait for our mystery dream dates to appear, perhaps we should do a. Paddle question. Have you been a naughty, naughty wife? Because you're going to get a paddle question. Everybody got their paddles ready? Yeah. Okay. Oh, here we go. Simone wants to know. Is a bad first kiss the kiss of death when it comes to starting a new relationship? All right, wives. One, two, three. Boom. Unanimous yeses. Boom, boom, boom, boom. No hesitation. Okay. Deny it. You can't deny it. It is what it is. Kat and Kristen, what do you think? If the first time you come together, you know what I mean? Of like the first time your bodies intermingle is bad or gross or sloppy, then it's just not meant to. Not meant to be. It has nothing to do with skill. It just has to do with the fact that like. Incompatibility. We don't go together. That's right. Because I will say the opposite can totally be true. You cannot realize that you have mad chemistry with somebody. I've certainly, I mean, I grew up doing theater. So like I've kissed some people in a joking way and then been like, holy lightning, right? But you can't fake the chemistry. Like if you kiss and it's like, maybe you can come back from it. But I just think it's more likely to happen the opposite. Where you wouldn't have expected anything from the kiss. And then you're just like, well, ----, I guess now we're together. That was great. I had a, I had a terrible first kiss. And then we dated for four and a half years and everything. I mean, I know it's ridiculous, but everything about it was a struggle. And I, and my brain was like convincing myself that this is okay. This is okay. And it was never okay. No. First kiss. What? How was your first kiss? My first kiss ever? Yeah. Our first kiss together. Not your ever, **** everywhere. I was like, I was like in a van playing truth or dare with Jeff Alwine. And he said he could taste my taste buds. He's my best friend. Boy kiss. You mean our personal first kiss? Yes. Listen. I had, Kat was sick. I'd come over. She got sick after she got a horrible cold after our first date. Cause we went on like a water ride in the middle of October. I don't do theme parks, but I did for this gal. Anyway, I brought her a coat. She should have been fine, but she got really sick. And I came over and it was Halloween time. And I was like, let me make you soup. Yes. Movies. And we watched Elvira and Hocus Pocus. And Kat's like, I don't want to get you sick. I don't want to get you sick. And then at some point she was like, can I give you a massage? And I was like, okay, but so, but so the massage is happening. She's like, I don't want to get you sick. And I was like, I don't get sick, which is true. She didn't get me sick. And then just the next thing I know we were making out and we made out until like six o'clock in the morning because we didn't really like, it was very like junior high level stuff. And it was on the couch the whole time. We never changed locations. I will. I realized I'm like, oh ----, the sun is coming up. You know, I think that's why I can't really quite remember our first kiss because it was like our first good makeout sesh. Cause it was like, well, there's no reason to not just keep doing that. Oh babe, our makeup session was amazing. Carmen and I had a movie kiss. Our first kiss. Oh, tell us, tell us, tell us. We did have a movie kiss. You're right. Tell the story. Oh no, you tell the story. No, you tell the story. I'm going to have my hands in my pants the whole time. You tell the story. Oh my God. Oh, it was so romantic. It was so romantic. It was a ******* movie. It was so long in the making. Yeah. And by long, I mean like three months. Like we met, we met, we had instant chemistry and then I was dating someone. And anyway, we just put it off and I was like, we'll just be friends. And when I stopped being unavailable, then it was ******* on. Oh yeah. And it just so happens that my mom was visiting from Virginia. Always hot. Yep. And my gay cousin was visiting from New Hampshire. And so our first like sort of date was a family date. Like the four of us went out to dinner. And it was like, we'd never like just gone. Anyway, it was very interesting. How weird is it? Our first date was like a meeting the family. We met the family. It was like meeting her mother, who I just adore and my cousin who's gay. And we were like playing footsie under the table, but we were just friends. Were you her cousin? No. Were you playing footsie? I'm the Southerner, not Bridget. Yeah, it was funny. And everybody got along, and we laughed. Like we drank wine, and we had Italian food, and we laughed all night. We had the best time. And then we went off to our respective homes. And then at like midnight, I snuck over to Bridget's place and left my mom sleeping in bed. And her cousin was sleeping in bed. And I went over to Bridget's because we were like, you know, texting each other. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And so I went over there. Still friends. Still just friends. And we went over. And I went to her apartment. And she lived like on the second floor of this apartment. And she buzzed me in. And I went in the first floor. And I looked up. And she was standing at the top of the steps. And I just ******* ran up the steps and planted one on her. And it was... Oh, was it rain falling? Did you have a boombox? In my mind, yes. She ran up the steps in slow motion. And I pulled back because I was like, this is... I knew this was the most important kiss I was ever going to have. Pulled back a little bit. And she... Her kiss was so perfect that I went... And then I threw her against the wall. No! Yes! I threw her into my apartment. And that was the beginning. And then... And that was... That's the greatest story. We've never been apart ever since. And it was the best kiss of my life. And I couldn't believe that I deserved this kiss. So I just want to say to the person who's asking if the first kiss is... If it's not good, it's not good. I'm telling you, it really tells you everything. It tells you everything. It matters. There's nobody who I'd rather press lips with than this human being. You really know how to make it sound great. Well, to break it down, it's kind of a gross thing. But like, boy, is it fun when you find the right mouth to latch on to. Okay, it's time for a paddle question. All right, get your paddles ready. Here we go. If you go on a diet or give up one of your vices, is your wife or girlfriend morally obligated to do it with you? One, two, three. Three no's and a yes. Cat says yes. Cat, break it down. Well, I mean, sure, you could be reasonable and say they're not. But like, come on, if I'm going on a diet and you want me to succeed, just go on a diet with me. What's wrong with you? If I'm going to do Whole30, you do Whole30. Like, let's do it as a team. I don't know. I feel like you should support me in making this life change. And like, maybe you don't have to, but it's the right thing to do. So morally. Wow. Cat needs support. This sucks for Kristen. This is, first of all, she says it. But when I do something like specific for myself and I say, hey, wouldn't it be really nice if you did this with me? I was like, you know, like for anything where I'm just like, hey, I'm trying to get back into like a meditation. I don't like to meditate. It's like, do you want to just try with me? You know, we do like five minutes. She's like, uh, no. And like leaves the room. Or when I was like, I want to do Whole30 again. She's like, no way. I did not. The last time I did Whole30, I did it alone. I think you wanted to. Carmen had to get a colonoscopy. I'm sorry. She had to not eat for two days. It had nothing to do with me. And I fasted for the two days. She fasted because I said, if you're going to be miserable, I'm going to be miserable. Can I get a high five on that bitch? And yet you said no to this question. You don't have to. Wait a minute. Oh, I love you. I will do Whole30 next time. I'm sorry. If Kat had to get a colonoscopy, I understand where you're coming from, Bridget. I would be worried about having two angry people in the house. Because it's kind of like that, like, you got to put your mask on and take care of yourself before taking care of another person, right? So like if I was drained and angry, which I absolutely would be, I wouldn't be able to like take care of Kat. So I would only eat in secret. Oh, you would still eat. I didn't eat. I would eat. I would eat in my car. I would eat in the bathroom. I would eat at a friend's. Like I would just, I would eat elsewhere because I wouldn't want to torture her. I have thoughts on this, but Carmen, Carmen, tell us where you're at. Kristen's way of doing it makes so much sense to me. Where are you at though, baby? I said no, because I think that you shouldn't. I think that you should, you should, the nicest thing to do is say, do you need me to do this with you? Yeah. Yeah. That's, but only agree to it if you can do it without resentment. Because if you're doing it, but you don't really want to do it and you're going to be pissed about it, nobody wins. So you can, you should only do it if you can do it without resentment. Okay. I take it back. You're not moral. Okay. Okay. I would agree with everybody else. You don't have to do the diet, but I would say that it is helpful. Like I have, I think it's, it's nice. I like the Bridget fasted for Carmen, but also like, I wouldn't like, it's not necessary for you, Kat. Yeah. I think you would. And I think maybe what we're learning is I'm a selfish asshole and I want people to go on diet with me. Everyone's different. That's what we're learning. Everyone's different. But because like, I also have had a lot of food allergies and sometimes I get put on a really restricted diet for medical reasons and like making the like transition, it would be really helpful if we did that together for a few weeks. But do I need you to live by my food allergies? No, absolutely not. No, but I did. But you did. Because I was being nice. Right. Exactly. But do I think that you should have to? No, like that sucks for me. I don't want it to suck for you too. I want you to enjoy food. I want you to have a good thing. When it comes to something silly, like full 30, where it's like, we want to lose a little bit of weight or we're trying to get our sugar addiction under control. I can see some value to doing that together. Yeah, we have done it together. Guys, I'm just trying to claw my way back out of the hole. Whatever, guys, live your life. Let's say your wife was like, I'm sober, I'm never drinking again and I don't want alcohol in the house. How would you feel about that? If she had a real problem, I would think about it. Yeah, I would be like, OK, I could be sober if you needed that because I love you. I mean, that feels like a life or death thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. If she said I need no sugar in the house, I'd be like, we need to divorce. Well, that would be a thing where you'd be like, you can have sugar, you just cannot have it in front of me. So yeah, that's what I was thinking about, whether it's booze or sugar or drugs or whatever, just go drinking in the car. The safest place to drink. I guess we're done with that question. Yes or no? Here we go. It's time for a paddle question. I have a pressing paddle question from Shelly D. Oh, Shelly. Shelly D wife. Here we go. My wife wants to sleep in separate beds, but the thought of that makes me sad. I'm worried that this is the beginning of the end. Would you agree to separate quarters? Shelly D paddles. Would you sleep, agree to sleep in separate beds from your wife? Knock, knock, knock, knock. Hold on. Let's get the result first. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Well, what? There's somebody at the door. She's knocking. Kristen, yes. Open the door, Kat. Kat, open the door. Knock, knock, knock. Someone's at your door. Hey, Kat. Me. Your new lover. Oh, God. Is it my mystery dream date? It's me. Your mystery dream date. The one you sent from above. Hi. I was just in the middle of a paddle question. I was about to find out how my friends feel about sleeping in separate beds from their wives. Well, I'm about in the middle of love. What's your name? My name is Nikki Smiths. Nikki Smiths. Tell me, what do you bring to the table? Why should I leave my ghost wife for you? Ghost wife gave me permission to take over because, number one, I'm going to massage you all night long while you watch our trashy TV. Oh. And then when I'm done, I'm going to do the dishes. Guys, I got to go. Oh, yeah, you do. Because guess what? I'm laying on the bed ready to be your bottom. Oh, dang. And then when we're done and we eat and I'm going to scarf down that pizza that's been in the refrigerator and after I'm done, I'm going to burp. I'm going to go and you're going to think it's the cutest thing you ever saw. Nikki Spitz. Also, I drive a really cool car. I'm never going to complain when you ask me to do pretty much anything. Oh, ****. I mean, you're about to get me get a hit out on my wife. And I have you can't see it because we're on camera or not on camera. But I have. Let's see. Blonde. Long hair. Wow. That came out of nowhere with the voice. I'm going to tell you the truth. I thought this is a deeper voice than I expected for my mystery date. And I'm into it. And the long flowing blonde locks. I really like the combo. It's a pleasure to meet you, Nikki. I'm smitten. It's a love match, you guys. **** Chris and Smith. I think she's dead. Yeah, right. Thank God my wife is a ghost. I mean, OK, so I guess that was amazing. Thank you for my mystery date. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Wait, who's at the door? Someone at Carmen's door. Come in. Hey, what's up, Carmen? Me or mystery date? I don't know. My name is Brittany Smith. I'm Nikki's sister. We're twins. We're very similar, but slightly different. OK, I'm intrigued. Listen, I'm going to treat you right. Yeah. Not only do I like to get handsy with the shoulders when we're sitting down to watch whatever super cool movie that you want to watch. Yeah. I'm also going to do the dishes like my sister did. **** yeah, you are. We're in a sister wife situation. And then you and I were going to race to the bedroom and I'm going to pretend to like push you around a little bit. I'm going to hop on the bed first, wiggle my butt like I'm an excited puppy. And then you're going to be like, yeah, I'm in charge. Yes, you are. We're just using her paddle to just say no over and over again. Here's the thing that makes me different from my sister. OK, I'm really overly dramatic and I'm going to want everyone else to do things the way that I need things done. And when I make my blockbuster movie, I might drown in a pool. So watch out. Get away from water. Did your new wife kill herself? What just happened? Oh, also, I have long, curly brown hair opposite from my sister. Totally different people. I love long, curly brown hair. This sounds hot. Yeah, but she's in the pool dead. She's not dead yet. I'm just saying it could happen. I mean, it might be a convenient out for me if she turns out to be too much trouble. So what do you think, Carmen? Do you think it's a mystery dream date match? **** yeah, I do. Let's do this. Wow, you guys, what just happened? I went to the bathroom and I was like, yeah, you missed it. The couple of hot babes came by. They were like, hey, I'm a really hot babe and I'm on you. Wow, I'm surprised. They sound a lot butchered than what I would think, Carmen. That was actually my first thought was like based on voice. I don't know if this is going to work, but other stuff is pretty convincing. I think probably Bridget in the past life doesn't want you to have somebody that's so much like her because how can you replace her? That's right. She's irreplaceable. All right. Will we share sleep in separate beds from our wife? Knock, knock, knock, knock. Oh, oh, oh, it interrupted. Oh no, Bridget, someone's at your door. I want to answer this ******* door. Answer the door. No, ****, the door's locked. There's a chain on it. I'll answer it for her. No. Honey, this one's for you. Come in. Hi, awful person. Oh, hi. I'm just a nice person. She sounds really cute. Come on in. Hi, how are you? Hi, I'm good. Want some kombucha? Oh, no, I have some in my hemp bag. Of course you do. Totally my type. So listen, I got an astral message and I want you to know that I will never be able to replace Carmen and she's aware of that and I'm aware of that and I just think that I'm going to do my best to take care of you and I'm a really good cook and I love to make Italian food and I'll sit and I'll sit on a little stool while you make bread in your cute apron. Yep, this is totally perfect. And then when you're like snuggled down watching Captain Marvel or Wonder Woman for the thousandth time, I'm going to go to the kitchen and get you some popcorn or make you a really nice cocktail because just like Carmen, I'm really good at making cocktails and then I'm going to be like, oh, I'm so sleepy. I'm going to go to the bed and then like two minutes later, I'm going to be like, aren't you coming? I'm coming. And then I'm going to run across the bedroom and be like, oh, and then I'm just going to like be whoever you need me to be in that moment because I'm a really good actor. But when we drink our champagne in our like glorious and luxurious hotel room in the Maldives, I am going to go, I'm going to burp and then I'm going to go. So I hope that's okay with you, but I just want to, listen, I can never replace Carmen, but like I, I'm going to take really good care of you. And I think we're going to have a really fun time together. Do you think that this is a mystery dream date match? I think this is a perfect mystery dream date match. Thank you for respecting the fact that you'll never replace Carmen, but still laying there and taking it from me. And I also, I also forgot to tell you what my name is. It's Marmon Peglow. She's getting picked. I think I should take my clothes off right now. Oh my God. Oh yes. I was getting naked in real time. Oh my God. Carmen tattooed herself on me. Like I have a Carmen signature tattooed on me, but now it's close enough that I feel like I don't have to tell anybody. I love you. What is it? Marmon Leglow. What's her name? Marmon Peglow. I love her. What about you, Kristen? Do you have a mystery date? Knock, knock, knock. Oh, look out the door. Hi, is Kristen here? I just want to give you all the space to do whatever you want. Did you bring her video game? She brought her video game. You know, girl, here is everything you need. You want to talk about ADD and being androgynous? Go for it. You sound just like Kat. No, I'm nothing like Kat. Are you on TikTok? Yes, I'm on TikTok. I love TikTok. Yeah. Do you have pine cones in your pockets? I have pine cones in my... Do you want to go on an adventure with me? Oh yeah, man. Do you want to poop outdoors? Okay. I thought she was going to be pooping doors. It didn't even compute for me that she would take a bowel movement in the great outdoors. I was like, she's pooping outdoors? That's crazy. Your mystery dream date sounds like a nightmare. I'm just going to say it from the ghost realm. Jealous, jealous. Thank you for a very amazing new game. Great job, Kristen. Yes. I'm so sorry, Kat. We're going to have to push your paddle question to later. To be continued, would we sleep in separate beds? You will never know. Kristen's in love with Smat Smavis, so it doesn't matter anymore. Smat. Smat that. Quadruple wedding. Smack that ass. Smack that. Smack that ass. Smack it. It's time for School of Life. All right, everybody. It's time for School of Life. Share a little bit of everything. School of Life. That has worked for us. Yeah, great. I've got one. I'm still reeling from all of the ridiculousness. Here we go. Never share underwear with your wife. Oh, my God. Unless it's an emergency, then fine. But resist the temptation to just go in her drawer and get her drawers if you need them. It's not OK. Bonus points. Remember. OK. Remember how much you cared about what underwear you were wearing when you first started dating? Every now and then, be that person again. Put in a little bit of effort. It goes a long way. You know what's not hot? Seeing your own tronies on somebody else's bod. So, yeah. We try to every now and then put on something spicy, but it is something that has to be. You have to have a reminder on sometimes, I think. When you've been together this long. The impulse to wear the other person's underwear. You have worn my underwear. This is actually just a passive aggressive. Hey, out of my underwear drawer. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't get a period. You stole even my period underwear like my good. You aren't going to use them for like nine months. The expensive replacement of pads underwear. This is unacceptable. No, we're not talking about this before that. No, we're not cutting this out. We're keeping this in check. Can I order you more underwear, Kat Davis? I will. Yeah, I will accept. Is this the Freebleed underwear? Like, thanks or whatever. Yeah, we ******* work. Why don't we get them to sponsor us? Hey, thanks. We use your products. Well, we'll put that out there. Wait a minute. Do you guys really share underwear? Oh, not on purpose, but sometimes. Listen, sometimes we buy each other underwear. When like a certain like when like some places having like an underwear sale. We'll go on there and we'll each buy the other one underwear. It's not the same size. No, we're not the same size, but there are some. Well, we used to be. This was a bigger issue when we were dating. Sometimes their underwear that we get each other that end up look because it comes from the same place that like look very similar and kind of are the same size. And so sometimes you're like, oh, whoops, I put on the wrong Christmas underwear. Sometimes you don't do laundry and then take a person's underwear. Wow. I think I have to tell you, I'm super creeped out about Carmen's not Carmen's underwear, but like what? I don't want to wear Carmen's underwear. I feel like ditto. **** you. I feel like it's personal to wear someone's underwear. And we are the same. Well, now she's a little skinnier than I am, but we used to be the same size. And I'm super creeping out to wear the same underwear. I designate her underwear, my underwear. Our choices are completely different. Like you have girly underwear and I have androgynous boy underwear. Sometimes you've worn my underwear. Don't be a bitch about it. I mean, if you're doing it to keep it a spicy, then I take it back. Then you can put on the underwear. If it's like, it's not spicy, it's not spicy. It's it's lazy. It's like you said, it's a laundry situation. That's right. Don't do it. Well, thank you for the School of Wife, Kat. That was very embarrassing. All right. Well, on that note, that is it for this episode of Happy Wife, Happy Life. We want to thank everyone who submitted questions. And remember, if you have a relationship question you'd like answered, you can email us at and follow us on Instagram at And thank you again, audience, for listening to Happy Wife, Happy Life. And let's remember to stay together forever!