The Ones That Make You Cringe: Part 4 | Friends

Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebus told us such great things about you guys. Oh, please, we're happy to help. We went through the same thing when we were adopting. So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh? I mean, you have a lovely home. Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us. Well, actually, I think this might help. It's pretty much all the information you need. Oh, my God. Everything is broken down into categories and then cross-referenced. And then color-coded to correspond with the forms in the back. Thank you. I think I just had a tiny orgasm. The process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us. That's great. Can I see the book? You want me to wash my hands first, don't you? It's just so pretty and white. Bathroom is down the hall to your left. I would have told him to do it, too. Can I adopt you? Hey, you must be Owen. Yeah. I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in The Scouts, too. You were? Yeah. In fact, my father was a den mother. Huh? You know how to use a compass? I have a badge in it. You do? That's fantastic. You want to see it? I'd love to, but I've got to get back to talking to your parents. In fact, they're telling us all about how they adopted you. What? I'm adopted? I got nothing. Where are Bill and Colleen? They're in the kitchen getting us something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are? We have to leave. Why? What did you do in the bathroom? I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him. Where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder and let's go! Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen. I'll go get them in a second. By the way, you should know, we haven't told him he's adopted yet. But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows? I'm adopted? See? Intuitive. What? Where did you hear that? He told me. And he paid me $50 not to tell. Which technically now you should give back. You told him he's adopted? I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. Owen doesn't know he's adopted. And he also thinks Santa is real. He isn't? We have to get out of here, baby! We just want to give you a heads up. Bill and Colleen hate us. Owen didn't know he was adopted. Monica told him. Still, he had to find out sometime. Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them? I'm going to go tell Emma she was an accident. Bill, I'll see you later, baby. Public display of affection coming up. You're going to burnt your eyes. See you. Fun Bobby is so great. Oh, isn't he? You know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good. And I've been feeling so lousy in the last couple of months. No job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full. Half full of love. And for our two-week anniversary, he's going to take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend. Cabin of love. We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. Really? I only had two glasses. I just had a glass. Two. I had one glass. I had about a mug full in this lovely I Got Boned at the Museum of Natural History mug. Okay, so that's, that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five? Oh. Rach, does this have nonfat milk? Um, I, I don't know. Why don't you taste it? No. Oh, well, too late. Sorry, I already had some. What do you say we make these, uh, coffees Irish? Um, cake! Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna get some cake. You know, it seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately. Well, it would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask. Bobby. Yeah, okay. Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know, but, um, I'm kind of worried about you. Okay, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but I don't know. I always made excuses about it, like, uh, I'm just a social drinker, or, hey, come on, it's Flag Day. So what are you saying now? I guess I'm saying I'll try and quit. I kind of like that you worry about me. So, what's going on? I am gonna try and quit drinking. Oh, why? You want to hear something funny? Oh, God, yes. There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the village. That is funny. I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walking around the neighborhood, but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the village. Say, honey, don't you have to be at your interview now? Oh, yeah. See you, guys. Bye. Ridiculously dull, Bobby. Oh, my God. It's not that bad. Not that bad? Did you not hear the hammer story? Okay, okay, don't get all squinky. Maybe it was just the kind of story where you had to be there. But I'm gonna be there for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me. All right, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free. Hi, I'll be ready in just a second. Could I talk to you a minute? Sure. This is really hard for me to say. Oh, God. You fell off the wagon. Oh, no, no. It's about you. What about me? I think you may have a drinking problem. What, these? No, these are, um, for cuts and scrapes. Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, okay? Oh, shoot. Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends. Okay. Take care. Okay, you too. Bye. What happened? Um, well, we, we kind of broke up. Aww. Um, you should, you should think of, um, my work as wordless sound poems. That's what I'm going to... Oh, my God, play. Play. Boy, that was, um, terrific. Really bitchin'. Wow, it was so wow. Really? I mean, really? Yeah, I mean, you should play in public. Oh, thanks, you guys. That's, uh, oh, I want to, I want to play you another piece. Um, oh, I left my helicopter sounds on another disc. I'll be right back, okay? Electrifying. Infinite time. You know, there's a Starbucks about three blocks down. He's so inspired. Just look at him. Look at him go. Hey, aren't you up next? Oh, no. I'm not playing tonight. Why not? I can't follow Ross. Playing, that would be like those poor bicycle-riding chimps who had to follow Beatles. Ew. Oh, my God, he's lost it, he's totally lost it. What? Petey, this is music that cannot get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves. Thank you, thanks. Yeah, I lost it. You know, I'm not going to play anymore. Would you, can you finish my set? After that, yeah. Now, I mean, if I can help. Yeah, like I could lose it. What? I played bad on purpose, guys. Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time. No, just that last song. Okay, here we go. Oh, God, Ross, okay, if you care about me at all, you'll get the pie out of the man's hood. Get the what? There's a pie in the hood, pie in the hood, go. What are you doing? I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by seven. Hello. Honey, you're screaming. You bet your ass I am. I just had the best first day ever. The kitchen, twice as big as Alessandro's. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and clean, not just health department clean, Monica clean. Awesome. Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Jeffrey, he's the maitre d', Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt the funniest guy I have ever met. Hey, did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you ever met? Yeah, so? Wow. Really, do you not know Chandler? Is that why he's acting so weird? He's jealous? My God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Jeffrey. So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing. You know, like Ross's thing is... Science? Academia? Being a good father? No. I can't believe he's that upset about this. Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay? Because he's feeling like... Hey. What are you guys talking about? Rachel and I hired a male nanny. You got a man who's a nanny? You got a manny? You know, I don't mind a male nanny, but I do draw the line of male wet nurse. You are on a roll, mister. If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. Okay, stop it, you. You stop it. What is so funny about that? I don't know. It's just the way you say it. I mean, you're funny. You got that funny thing. You're a funny guy. Did you tell her what we talked about? Yeah. So those were pity laughs? Pity laughs? Honey, listen. You have nothing to worry about with Jeffrey. Oh, yeah? Is he funnier than me? Well, you're different funny. I mean, you're more sarcastic. And, well, he does bits and impressions and limericks. I do limericks. There once was a man named Chandler whose wife made him die inside. Honey, you know I think you're hilarious. You know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye? Slayed me. Hey, I made up that joke and told it to you. Not knowing when to shut up. Yep, that's my thing. Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your matri-D friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to email me at www.haha-not-so-much.com. Honey, you can relax. Last night at work, Jeffrey told this really sexist joke. After that, not so funny anymore. Really? See, that's the thing. You gotta keep it smart, people. Okay. Missed that flight. You know I love you. I love you, too. And I like you as friends. All right. See you later. See ya. Did the guy really make that joke? Nah, his joke kills me. Last night, he had me laughing so hard, I swear, a little pee came out. It'll be fun. What was that? Hi. Um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other. Yeah, all right. That sounds all right. Oh, good. Okay. Oh, no. I have to go because I'm late for my, um, green eggs and ham discussion group. Um, tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Hi. That was so lame. I know, yeah. Hey, talk to him. So, you, uh, you think that speed racer guy gets a lot of tickets, or? That's good, that's good. So, who broke up with who? What, are you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia. That's good, man. And when everybody knows that the, uh, the capital of Cambodia is, uh, Well, it's not Sean Penn. Not Sean Penn. All right, I got a funny one. All right. My last girlfriend, Hilly, okay, we're eating breakfast, right? And I made all these pancakes. There was like 50 pancakes, right? And all of a sudden she turns to me, all right? And she says, Eddie. I say, yeah. And she says, Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore. And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my leg, you know? Was she weak? Oh, it was good. It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking. How exciting. Yeah, I know. Oh, it was amazing. The only sad thing is I wasn't around when it happened for the first time. Oh, no. Yeah, I know. And I was missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. Yeah, right. What? Joey cracks me up. It's like, yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn't be awkward at all. Could you imagine? I go away for a few days. I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman. He got pregnant. So, what did you tell him? Hi. What are you doing here? I'm supposed to pick you up. Change of plans. I made you a special Valentine's dinner. Surprise. Hi. Oh, hey, Mona. Hi. Hi, Rachel. What's she doing here? I have no idea. I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me. Seriously, what is she doing? You know, lately she just likes hanging out here. Why? I think she's lonely. Okay, but it's Valentine's Day. I know. Can't we just ask her to go? Well, no, no, she's way too emotional. And by emotional, I mean crazy. That's just my Chinese food. Oh, my God. She has food delivered here? Yes, she's emotional, but ballsy. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get in my sweats and eat this in bed. And you thought she was going to be in our way. So, okay, why don't you open the champagne, and I will be right back. I've got a surprise for you. You got another ex-wife back there? Oh, my God. It's the tenth time I've peed since I've been here. It's also like the tenth time you've told us. Yeah, oh, I'm sorry. It must be really hard to hear. I'll tell you, it's a lot easier having three babies playing bring it into noise, bring it into funk on your bladder. I'm so sick of being pregnant. The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which, of course, is decaf, because, oh, I'm pregnant. Pheebs, you want a cookie? Thank you so much. So, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? I haven't really had any yet. God, we are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever. Wait a minute. Unless we give her all gifts that she can use after she's done being pregnant, like regular coffee, tequila. Oh, and somebody can get her those leather pants that she's always wanted. Oh, she's gonna love that. What the hell is this? What, you actually thought it would make me feel better? To give me something I can't even use for another two months? This sucks! All right, what's my next present? Hi, guys. Hi, Phoebe. I wanted to apologize if I, you know, seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. You know, it's just the hormones, you know. I know, we can't. Yeah. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. It was just, it was so sweet. Oh, okay. Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That's great. How are things going? Good. You know, no, but okay, it feels like everything's been about me lately, so what's happening with you? Oh, well, actually, we were just talking about me not going to Ross' wedding. Oh. It just might be too hard, given the history and all that. Wow, this reminds me of the time when I was living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him. How is this like that? Well, let's see, it's not really like that because, you see, that was an actual problem and yours is just like, you know, a bunch of, you know, high school crap that nobody really gives, you know. Well, I'm sorry, I guess I just thought that, you know. All right, here come the waterworks. My agent has just gotten me a job in the new Al Pacino movie. Can you believe this? Al Pacino. This guy's the reason I became an actor. I'm out of order? You're out of order. This whole courtroom's out of order. Seriously, what's the part? Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. Come on, seriously, Joey, what's the part? You're, you're... I'm his butt double, okay? I play Al Pacino's butt. All right, he goes into the shower and then I'm his butt. Oh, my God. Come on, you guys. This is a real movie and Al Pacino's in it and that's big. Oh, no, it's terrific. It's, it's, you know, you deserve this. After all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbiz. Uh, listen. I just want to thank you for this great opportunity. Lose the robe. With me? That would work. Right. Okay, losing the robe. Okay, and the robe is lost. Okay, everybody, I would like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it. Water's working. And action. And cut. Hey, butt guy, what the hell are you doing? I'm, I'm showering. No, that was clenching. Oh, well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, you know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing. I think his butt would be angry here. I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling. Water working. And action. And cut. What was that? I was going for quiet desperation. If you have to ask. Hey. What's up, man? Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you the guy who plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? Nope. No, what happened, big guy? Big guy? It felt like a big guy moment. I got fired. Oh. Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this. Now everyone's gonna go to the theater expecting to see me. Oh, Joe, you know what? No one is gonna be able to tell. My mom will. Something so sweet and disturbing about that. Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you could tell him. Go. No. What? Hey, wait a minute. Baby, how do you even know who the father is? I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit. I believe this belongs to the father of your baby. Oh, God. Oh, he's in there right now? Uh-huh. Now you can turn around, or you can go in there and rip the band-aid off. What do you want to do? Let's rip. Really? Are you sure? Oh, Phoebe. Okay, sorry, yeah. Hey, Rach. So, what's this about? Rachel has something that she wants to tell you, and, um, I believe that this is your red sweater. No. This is my red sweater. Oh, no. Could I get anyone a coffee? Or poison? No, just for me? Okay. What's going on, Rach? Nothing. Phoebe kind of made a mistake. But, you know, you do wear that sweater a lot. Are you involved in some kind of dare? You know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called. I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough, but I've really grown up, and I think we should get back together. Oh, it's just not the right time. It is the right time. Okay. I'm ready for more. Tag. Come on, Rach, let's give it another try. I'm having a baby. Oh. You can go. Thank you. Oh, man. What is wrong now? This isn't what I ordered? Man, can't anything go right in my life? First, my marriage falls apart, and then I... I know, I know, and then you lose your apartment, and then you lose your job, and then your ex-wife gets married so fast, and now the coffee, ah! Ross, we need to talk. Okay. Sometimes I feel like... No, no, no, no, don't. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun. What? You're a very sweet person, Ross. Um... Unfortunately, I just don't think I can take another second of you whining! Let me make sure I'm hearing this right. You're ending this with me because I'm too whiny? So you're saying I've become so whiny that I annoy you, Janice? Well, yeah! Oh, my God! Are you going to be okay? I am now. Oh, my God, that's my boss. You have to see this somewhere else. I'm sorry. That's always Mr. Campbell's table. But my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job. Rachel? Ah, I'm on a date! That's great! Yeah, it is, yeah! You know, it's tough. Single mom career. You gotta get out there! Well, you've got a good energy. Oh! Rachel? Yes, hi! James Campbell. Hi! Excuse us. Please. Okay. Oh, wow! He's cute! So, your resume is quite impressive. My resume? I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resume. Dating profile? I'm talking about the work resume. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la! I happen to just sing it for no reason! Maybe people found it weird. So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren? What? I, I don't. You don't? No, I love, I love it there. Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch? What? It's Hugo, boss! Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert. Oh, hey. Hey. Hi. You have lipstick right here. Oh. That's okay, it's mine. We just kissed. Oh. So, isn't it a bit cold out for shorts? Well, I'm from California. Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flame. I'm up. I ain't gotten up now. Anybody want anything? I'll have coffee. Yeah, me too. Yeah, make that three. Okay, Ross, why don't you come with me? Okay. What, what is the matter with you? What's going on? Robert's coming out. What, what do you mean? What, is he gay? No, he, he's coming out of his shorts. What? The man is showing brain. Are you sure? Hold on. I'm sorry, you guys. That was a coffee and a... Coffee. Okay. We could write it down for you. No, no, that won't be necessary. Well... Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do we do? I suppose we just try to not look directly at it. Like an eclipse. But I can't stay too long. I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow, and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. What? So when you said get up early, did you mean 1986? You guys don't think I look 19? Oh, 19! We thought you said 90. Okay, everybody, let's go, let's go! Okay, okay. Sup? Sup, dude? Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me. So you play a little PlayStation, huh? That's whack. PlayStation... is whack. Sup with the whack PlayStation sop? Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what? Yes. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19. Come on, man, really? How old? Young. You're a man-child, okay? Now go get changed, because everybody's ready, and please, oh please, keep my underwear. Oh, thanks. Now, I can pass for 19, right? Yes, you can pass for 19. Really? Yes. Seriously? Seriously, no. Okay? You can play your own age, which is 31. I'm 30. Bernard, you're 31. Oh, crap. Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work? They sent me home. They said I can't work if I'm sick. Oh, I'm so sorry you're sick. I'm not sick. I don't get sick. Getting sick is for weaklings. It's for pansies. Honey, no one thinks that you're a pansy, but we do think that you need a tissue. I have not been sick in over three years. I'm going to grab you some tissue. I don't need a tissue. I'm fine. When you put a D at the end of fine, you're not fine. I'm fine. You know, it's a really hard word to say. So, what do you want to do? Let's do something crazy. I know, let's rest and drink lots of fluids. Okay, I'll rest. But, you know, if I'm going to bed, then you're coming with me. See, that would be impossible to resist if you weren't all drippy here. Are you saying that you don't want to get with this? Yeah, I don't think you should say that even when you're healthy. Come on. Don't take this personally, okay? It's just that I just can't have sex with a sick person. I'm with you, Chandler. I mean, I can't have sex with a sick person either. That's disgusting. But I'm not sick. Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the prime of life. See, that's the thing. I would like to stay in the prime of my life. Chandler. Oh, what is it, honey? You need some tea? Some soup? Oh. Calling Dr. Big. Dr. Big to the bed. Oh, geez, honey. I thought you were asleep. How could I be asleep knowing that you were the next room? I was asleep. Oh, no, no, no, honey. You know what's sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy and blankets are sexy and, oh, hot water bottles are sexy. Come on, get into bed. I want to prove to you that I'm not sick. I want to make you feel as good as I feel. Please get some rest. I'm fine. Ross, she wants you. She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. Any contact? She lent me an egg once. You're in. Oh, right. Hi, Ross. Hi. Come on, Ross. You got to get back in the game here, okay? The Rachel thing's not happening. Your ex-wife's a lesbian. I don't think we need a third. Excuse me. Can we get an egg over here still on the shelf? Thanks. An egg? Yeah, you're going to go up to her and say, here's your egg back. I'm returning your egg. I think it's winning. Come on, I think it's insane. She'll love it. Thank you. Here. Go with the egg, my friend. Go, go, go. Think it'll work? No way, it's suicide. The man's got an egg. Okay, okay, you. Here, come here. Here. Okay. You're going to take this tray. You're going to stand on this yellow mark. You're going to move on action. You're going to walk over to the operating table. You're going to stop on that blue mark. You're going to put the tray down. Don't walk too fast. But don't dawdle. Okay, now what? And... action! Cut, cut. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous. Yeah, well, don't be. Okay, that helps. And... action! Cut! Hey, you know what? Don't worry about it. It usually takes me three takes, too. All right, eight. And... So, what'd he say? Uh... Well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so I'm going to replace a word he used a lot with the word puppy. Okay? So he said, if your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together, I am going to fire her mother puppy ass. I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm just not an actor. That's right. You're not. You're a nurse. You're nurse with tray. Joey. No, no, nurse with tray doesn't know Joey. She doesn't have time for friends. She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor because if she doesn't, people die. Who dies? Man with eyepatch. Will you get in there and you do your job? Yes, doctor. Okay. Let's try this one more time. Hang in there, man with eyepatch. Your tray is coming. And... Action! Yes! I did it! What's next? The rest of the scene. Okay. From the top, people. Isn't this great? Couldn't you just stay like this forever? Chandler. Couldn't you just stay here forever? Yeah, here. Somewhere else. You know, wherever. Are you okay? Yeah. I'm cool. Casual. What are you doing? Oh, just hanging out. You know, having fun. You know, with the girl that I'm seeing casually. Man, I knew it. I knew you were going to do this. What? Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff. Well, you... you do want all that stuff, right? Oh, and you know what I want. Yes. You want babies. You have baby fever. I do not have baby fever. Oh, please. You are obsessed with babies and marriage and everything that's related to babies and marriage. You know what? I got a good idea. Why don't we turn the heat down on this pressure cooker? Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me. This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap. Nuh-uh. I know you, okay? I know the thoughts that you have in your head. You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? And did you know that the only baby around here is you? And did you know that I can't even look at you right now? Yeah, well, I did not know that. It's going to be okay, right? I mean, she's not going to leave me. This is... this is fixable. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely. By me. Oh, no. No, no. Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture... Yeah, big. Oh, ----. The missus. Here. Can I get a coffee? To go? Monica, if you... I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you. Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. What? Well, that's what we do. You know, I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then, you know, you think I'm all cute again. I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're going to have to figure this one out for yourself. Right? You know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. Do you not want to be seen with me? What? No, of course I do. Are they gone? No, they're still here, but I think I'm about to leave. What? No, no, wait. What? You're right. This is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, we... we like each other, right? There's nothing wrong with that. Come on. Bert? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth. Hi. Aren't you in my popular culture class? That's right, Lydia. Elizabeth here is a student and we're dating. And you may frown upon that, but we're not going to hide it anymore. You are so fired. What? They're going to fire you. You can't date a student. It's against the rules. Really? It's not just frowned upon? Still doing the screening thing? I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again. Jade, you know what to do. Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day. And just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy. Bob here. Oh, hi. So, uh, you met someone, huh? Yes. Yes, I did. In fact, I met him two hours ago. So, uh, how was he? Eh. Eh? Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name. Well, that makes me feel so good. It was just so awkward and bumpy. Well, maybe he has some kind of, uh, new, uh, cool style that you're not familiar with. And, uh, maybe you have to get used to it. Well, there really wasn't much time to get used to it if you know what I mean. Oh, hey. Thank God you guys are here. Hey, what's, what's going on? Everything is upside down here. It rains all day long and nobody watches TV and Ross is famous. All right, I don't want to alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed. Okay, when I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, okay? That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross. Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in. Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a king-size bed? Oh, David, get one for us, too. Oh, and, and see if they have a heart-shaped one. And with mirrors on the ceilings. And, and make sure our room isn't next to theirs. Yeah! Woo! Woo-hoo! Die Hard, still great. Yeah. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature? What else did you rent? Die Hard 2. Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again. Oh. But we watched it a second time and it's Die Hard 2. Joey, we just saw it. And? And it would be cool to see it again. Yeah! Die Hard! Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay? Yeah, I just got, I got plans. Well, John McClane had plans. No, you see, the thing is, I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch. What are you talking about, bitch? Oh! What happened? I don't know. He fell asleep. That is all. Yeah. All right, well, I better go. Yeah, I think that would be best. Yeah. All right, I'll talk to you later. Okay. But not about this. No, never. Never. So, uh, uh, bye. No touch. Hey. Just, uh, brought back your videos. Uh, hey, uh, Ross, look, uh, I think we need to talk about before. No. No, we don't. Yes, we do. Now, look, that was the best nap I ever had. I don't know what you're talking about. Come on. Admit it. That was the best nap you ever had. I've had better. Okay. When? All right, all right, it was the best nap ever. Uh. I said it, okay? But it's over, Joey. I want to do it again. We can't do it again. Why not? Because it's weird. Fine. You want something to drink? Sure, what do you got? Warm milk and Excedrin PM. Boy, I'll tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me. Yeah? Yeah. I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. Why would I care about that? No reason, I'm just saying that, uh, that's where I'll be. Great nap. It really was. Dude, what the hell are you doing? Excuse me. You know what, you're right. I should at least tell her how I feel. Ross, wait, wait. What? Could you get me a muffin? Rachel? Yeah? I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you I love you. Now, I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. Comforter. Oh, I love you, too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And when I'm in a cafe having coffee or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Bye, guys. Bye. Oh, my God! Unbelievable! Hey, you know what might help? I'm not getting you a muffin! Hi again. Hey. Thank you so much. Oh, don't thank me. Thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to work. You want some help with that? Oh, no, thanks. I got it. Oh, no, I don't. You okay? Yeah. Just got up too fast. Got a little head rush. The heat. And the humidity. That's a that's a tough combination. Do you want to come in for some lemonade? Like you wouldn't believe. Wow. This is a great place. Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable. Gotcha. So this place is really my grandmother's. I got it from her when she moved to Florida. Otherwise, I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I'm an 87-year-old woman who's afraid of her VCR. You thirsty? Oh, you bet I am. Okay, here's your penis. Oh, my God! What the hell are you doing? You said you want to come in for some lemonade. So? Ah. Were you just going to give me lemonade? Yeah-huh! Cover yourself up. Oh, right. Sorry. I don't believe this. I mean, someone asked you in for lemonade and to you that means they want to have sex? Um, usually. Yeah? Well, not just lemonade. Iced tea. Sometimes juice. Sorry, I just thought you liked me. Such a jerk. It's okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone. Not anyone I know, but... By the way, I can still see it. I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies. Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice. Okay, Rock. Hard place. Me? You're so funny. He's really funny. I wouldn't want to be there when the laughter stops. Whoa, whoa. Back up there, Sparky. What did you mean by that? Just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. You know, that you use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance. I mean, hey, I just met you. I don't know you from Adam. Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty. Uh-huh. How did you know that? It's textbook. Hey, you guys. You all know my dad. Hey, how long you in the city? Just for a couple of days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on a ferry. I don't know this one. Oh, this is my friend Roger. Hey. Hey, good to meet you, Roger. You too, sir. What happened to the puppet guy? Dad, dad. Oh, oh. Excuse me. So, Ross, how's the wife? Uh... All for two, huh? Chandler, quick. Say something funny. Hey. Hello, sir. You here to return those pants? No, these are my pants. Oh. Okay. How can I help you? Well, um, do you have a Santa outfit left? Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man. Okay, look. Do you have anything Christmas-y? I promised my son and I really don't want to disappoint him. Come on. You gotta have something. I'm the Holiday Armadillo. I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a merry Christmas. What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo? Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas. Oh, come in. Have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from Texas. Texas? That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states and Mexico! But Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. Maybe the lady will help me with these presents. Oh, thanks! You're welcome, Ben. And Merry Christmas! And Happy Hanukkah! Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part Jewish. You are? Me, too! Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?