The Ones with Rachel from Season 1 | Friends

I'm sorry. That is it! I'm sorry. You have no respect for anybody's privacy. Wait, wait, wait. No, you wait. This is ridiculous. Privacy. Can I just say one thing? What? That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your nippular areas. Oh! I'm sorry. Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing. I could see your thing! Sorry, my thing was in there with me. Hey, Joey. What's going on? Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop, Rachel Green. There. Sorry, wrong boobie. Hello, Joey. Hello, dear. Don't tell me, don't tell me. Decaf cappuccino for Joey. Coffee black. Latte. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this. Excellent. Good for me. Taj! Rachel, honey! Are you okay? Where's Paolo? Rome. Jerk missed his flight. And then your face exploded? No. Okay. I was at the airport getting into a cab when this woman, this blonde planet with a pocketbook starts yelling at me. Something was her cab first and the next thing I know she starts pulling me out by my hair and on my attack whistle thingy and then three more cabs show up. As I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me and I hit my head on the curb and cut my lip on my whistles. Oh! Everybody having fun at the party? Are people eating my dip? Rachel, are you going to separate those? Oh, God. Am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants? Have you never done this before? Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Okay, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. Well, don't worry. I'll use the gentle side. Okay. Basically you want to use one machine for all your whites. Okay. A whole other machine for your collars. And a third for your delicates and that would be your bras and your under panty things. Okay. Well, what about, these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or with delicates? That would be a judgment call. So nice. Okay, I have a question. Well, actually, not so much a question as more of a general wondering. Okay. Here goes. Well, for a while now I've been wanting to... Oh. Yes, yes. That's right. Oh, look at that little girl. What? Ah! Top of the world looking down on creation and the other end of it. All right, this is just vaccine. It won't hurt. Ow, ow. Sorry, that was wax. Oh, this poor little tootie is scared to death. We should find his owner. Why don't we just put the poor little tootie out in the hall? During a blackout? She'll get trampled. Yeah. Oh, pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. I can't believe he did this. Come on, Ross. Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? What did you just say? Crystal duck. No, no. The, um, the love part? Flanagan. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's good. Just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. This is unbelievable. I mean, this is unbelievable. I know. This is really, really huge. No, it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee. Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. Is there a mute button on this woman? I think this is so great. I mean, you and Ross. Did you have any ideas? No. None. I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... Well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. What? All this time? Well, I've gotta talk to him. Yeah, he's in China. The country. Your flight doesn't leave for another 45 more minutes. What about the time difference? From here to the airport? Yes. You're never gonna make it. Well, I've gotta try. Rachel, what are you gonna say to him? I-I don't know. Well, then maybe you shouldn't go. He's right, because if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait. Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now. I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him. Here, look. All right, does this help? Terry, I-I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance on my salary? An advance? Yeah, so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I've sort of started this whole independent thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job. Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful. Okay, I-I hear what you're saying. I'm with you. Um, but-but I'm trying really hard, and-and I think I'm-I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? Yeah, over here. Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here. Do you really want a job with popular mechanics? Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for. Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, okay? I cannot be a waitress anymore. I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, sick of being called excuse me. Rach, did you proofread this? Uh, yeah, why? Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent computer skills. Oh, my, you think it's on all of them? Oh, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few of them. Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, you know? It was-it was comfortable, and it was familiar, and it was just nice. That's-that's nice twice. Rachel, what's going on? I mean, isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar? Duh, where have you been? Yeah, but it was different with him today. I mean, and he wasn't like orthodontist guy, you know? I mean, we had fun. Is there anything wrong with that? Yes. Why? I have my reasons. Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman who just happens to be your ex-best friend? All right. All right, all right, all right, all right. I know it's stupid. I'll go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it. Wow. Yeah. I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that. No, it wasn't. It's so nice having this little sink here. I'll finish with this sucker by the end of the week. Now-now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now she used to be a man. Okay? Oh, look, see, now there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. And that- Mar-Mar-Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? No, you're not supposed to play- Whoa. Marcel, did you poo in the shoes? Oh, Marcel, bad. Bad. Oh, God. Oh. Sorry, Barry. A little engagement gift. Sure you didn't register for that. You know, it wasn't Dexter. Right, Marcel? Because- Marcel? Mar- How could you lose him? I don't know. We're watching TV and then he pooped in Monica's shoe. Wait, he pooped in my shoe? Which one? I don't know. The left one. Which ones? Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything. I've just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where- where you have to have somebody right there in the middle of a theme park. Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line. All right, well, see, I mean, Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course. Come on. No. He said we were holding up the people behind us. And you didn't marry him because... I mean, do you think there are people that go through life never having that kind of... Probably. Really? But, you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated. Yeah, right. It is. Eventually, it kind of burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust and security and, uh, well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. I think Barry is seeing someone in the city. Oh, what- what would make you think that? Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird. And then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel. If it'll make you feel any better, when Barry and I first got engaged, he went through a whole weird thing, too. Oh, God. You see, that's what I was afraid of. What? What's what you're afraid of? Okay, okay. When Barry was engaged to you, he and I kind of had our little thing on the side. What? I know, I know. And when he proposed to me, everyone said, don't do it. He's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel. And now I feel so stupid. Ha-ha. Oh, Mindy. Oh, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid. What do you mean? Smell familiar? Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, no, me. I am so sorry. No, I am sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart. Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now, come on. Get out of my way. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this was our cart. Hey, hey, hey. There weren't any clothes in it. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Quit making up rules. Let go. Come on, this is my cart. You're my daughter. All right, listen, Mincy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it. Did you see that? You were incredible. Did you see that? A brand-new woman, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, thank you. I could not have done this without you. Okay, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm sure there's a friendly way to reconcile this. Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced. I'm Monica Geller. Oh, my God, you are. And you're Rachel Green. Yeah. Louisa Gianetti. Lincoln High. I sat behind you guys in, in homeroom. You have no idea who I am, do you? No. Not at all. Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say, morning, Louisa? Or, nice overalls? I'm so sorry. It's not so much you. You were fat. You had your own problems. But you, what a bitch. What? All right, you know what? Be that as it may, do you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing, you know, just for old time's sake? Go, bobcats? I could, but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. Dun, dun, dun. Has anybody seen my engagement ring? Yeah, it's beautiful. Don't touch that. Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him. Hi, Barry. Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil that stomped on your heart in front of your entire family. Oh, God. Now I'm going to have to return the ring without the ring, which makes it so much harder. Easy, Rach. We'll find it. Won't we? Yeah. Okay, look. All right, when did you have it on last? Boy, probably right before she lost it. You don't get a lot of doy these days. No, I had it this morning. And no, I had it when I was in the kitchen with... Dinah? Oh, don't be mad. You didn't. Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you one job. Oh, but look how straight those noodles are. Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna. I just can't do it. Boys, we're going in. There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with. Come on. You're going out with the guy. There's got to be something wrong with him. So, does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Wait, does he eat chalk? Just because I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl. Um... Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. Sounds like a date to me. All right, so I'm back in high school. I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. Then I look down and I realize there is a phone there. That's right. All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother. Which is very, very weird because she never calls me. Hi. This guy says, hello, I want to kill myself. Are you okay, sweetie? I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth, and tied it around my neck. Cookie? Carol moved her stuff out today. Oh. Let me get you some coffee. Thanks. Ew. Oh, no. No, don't. Stop cleansing my aura. Don't just leave my aura alone. Okay? I'll be fine, all right? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. No, you don't. No, I don't. To hell with her. She left me. And you never knew she was a lesbian. No. Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know? Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud? All right, Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints. Come on, you're single. Have some hormones. See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just, I just, I just want to be married again. And I just want a million dollars. Rachel? Oh, God, Monica, hi. Thank God. I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said that you might be here and you are, you are. Can I get you some coffee? Decaf. Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody. This is Chandler and Phoebe and Joey. And you remember my brother, Ross? Sure. Hey. Oh, God. So you want to tell us now or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Oh, God. Well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Limoge gravy boat. When all of a sudden, sweet and low, I realized, I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry. And then I got really freaked out and that's when it hit me, how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. You know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there and I started wondering why am I doing this and who am I doing this for? So, anyway, I just didn't know where to go and I know that you and I have kind of drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. Who wasn't invited to the wedding. Oh, I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue. I need some milk. Okay, I've got milk. Here you go. Better? No. Oh, I feel so stupid! I think about the other day with you guys, you know, and I was all, oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so... I'm so embarrassed. I'm the one he hit on. Phoebe, I wished him on you. If I had never met him, this would have never happened to you. I'm so sorry. No, Phoebe, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Oh, wait. What are we sorry about? I don't know. Right. He's the pig. Such a pig. God, he's such a pig. Oh, he's like a... He's like a big, disgusting... Yeah, like a pig. Pig man. Yes, good, okay. Oh, but he was my pig man. How did I not see this? Oh, I know. Because he's gorgeous and he's charming and when he looks at you... Okay, okay. The end. Oh, God. Should I not have told you? No, trust me. It's... It's much better that I know. I just liked it better before it was better. Rachel? I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. What are you guys doing here? Well, we were in the city shopping and your mom said you work here and it's true. Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play. God, look at you. You are so big. I can't believe it. I know. I'm a duplex. So what's going on with you? Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? No. Well, we're on the subject of news. Look, look. I have Elvis. Hey. You got a second? Sure, sure. Come on. In. Hello, sweetheart. What are you guys doing here? We are here to break up with you. Both of you? Basically, we think you're a horrible human being and bad things should happen to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, God. I am so sorry. I'm an idiot. I was weak. I couldn't help myself. Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much. Which one of us are you talking to there, Bear? Mindy. Of course, Mindy. It was always Mindy. Even when we were having sex in that chair? I swear. Whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you. Please. During that second time, you couldn't have picked her out of a lineup. You did it twice? Well, the first time didn't really count. You know, it was Barry. If anything else opens up, sleep. Hello? Sorry, Rach. Where were we? Oh. Okay. Five card draw. Jacks are better. Nothing wild. Everybody ante. Look, Rach. We don't have to do this. Yes, we do. All right. Check. I'm in for 50 cents. Call. I'm in. I see you're 50 cents. And I raise you five dollars. I thought, uh, it was a 50 cent limit. Well, I just lost a job and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that? Not at all. Hold it right up. Hey, Jack. Look at the window. There's lightning. I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines and eight people were killed. Wow. You worked in a mine? I worked in a dairy queen. Mine. Oh, God. Isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it. I steamed milk for it. And it was totally not worth it. Who's Fica? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what? Chandler, look at that. Oh, this is not that bad. Oh, you're fine. Yeah, for a first job, you can totally, totally live on this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hey, by the way, great service today. Oh, yeah. Something great? Sure. Okay, good. All right. The, uh, the neighbors must be vacuuming. Well, as long as we're, uh, here and, uh, not on the subject, um, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before. And, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, uh, Rachel? Barry? I can't. I can't do it. I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you. Oh! We have got to start locking that door. How's it going? All right, don't stare. Okay, she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony. Now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm waving. Okay, that is either how could you or enormous breasts. Here he comes. Uh, I am, uh, to say goodbye. Okay, bye-bye. Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles. Grazie. Paolo, I, I just want to tell you, and I, I think I'd speak for everyone when I say... Hey, baby. Hey. Oh, how did it go? Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said, we should do this again. Oh. What? He said we should do it again. That's good, right? Uh, no. Loosely translated, we should do this again means you will never see me naked. Since when? Since always. It's like dating language. You know, like, it's not you means it is you. Or, you're such a nice guy means I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you. Or, or, or, you know, um, I think we should see other people means, ha, ha, I already am. And everybody knows this. Oh, yeah. Cushions the blow. Yeah, it's like when you're a kid and your parents put your dog to sleep and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. That's funny. No, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. Uh, Ross. What? Hello? The Milner's Farm in Connecticut? The Milner's. They had this unbelievable farm. They had horses and then rabbits that he could chase and it, it... Oh, my God. Cheep cheep.