Building Self Esteem In Children Attachment Based CBT Tools

Hey there everybody and welcome to this video on developing self-esteem in kids. I'm your host Dr. Donnelly Snipes. I've had a lot of requests for videos on things that parents can do to help increase self-esteem in children and we're going to talk a lot about those and these can be helpful for caregivers as well as teachers. Now there are a lot of books out there that have different self-esteem building activities like ropes courses and those sorts of things. What I'm really talking about here today are some other practical things to know about building self-esteem in children. So I'm going to start by describing the four components of self-esteem, explore why secure attachment is important in nurturing self-esteem, identify five general things that caregivers can do to enhance self-esteem, and at least 10 activities that caregivers can do to build self-esteem in children. So let's start out with the components. Self-esteem as I conceptualize it is composed of self-awareness. Who am I? What are my strengths? My weaknesses? My needs? Thoughts? Feelings? What's my identity? When I think of me what do I see? Self-acceptance. Once you know who you are, your strengths, weaknesses, and needs, then accepting that and accepting yourself as lovable and valuable even though you're imperfect and that is such an important message for people, not just kids, for people to internalize. Third part is self-confidence. I know who I am. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I accept them. I recognize that I'm lovable and I'm confident that I can effectively manage challenges in my life, achieve my goals, and make positive changes. I may not be able to change everything but self-esteem involves a sense of agency, a sense of control in our life. We can't control everything but recognizing that we can make positive changes. So awareness, acceptance, confidence, and the final one is purposeful action. Once we know our skills and who we are and we've accepted it and we have confidence that we can make positive changes, then we need to actually do it and use our energy purposefully to become the person or to continue to be the person that we want to be. Secure attachment is so important because children must feel confident that they will be loved and safe. They must be empowered to be authentic, able to feel and express their feelings and needs, and encouraged to try new things. So secure attachment really helps children start being able to identify what they are thinking and feeling and figuring out how to modulate those things all within an environment that is loving and accepting of them. Secure attachment, as I've talked about many times before, I summarize with the mnemonic craves. Consistency in presence and messaging. If a parent says or a caregiver says this is okay sometimes, but not all the time. Consistency in messaging means, okay, when is it okay? When is it not okay? When is it okay to be loud? You know, you can be loud at home, you can be loud outside, you can't be loud in the library. But children may not understand the difference until you explain it to them. When my children were little, we used to talk about library voices. So they would understand that there's nothing wrong with being loud in appropriate situations. So consistency in messaging. If you are at home and normally the child can be loud and rambunctious, and today you're getting angry with them because they're being loud and rambunctious, it's important to help them understand what the difference is. Oh, daddy's sick and he's trying to sleep. Kids can understand a lot more than we probably give them credit for. But if we just start scolding them for being loud when normally we let them be noisy, they may get confused about, okay, so when can I be loud? When is it okay? I don't want to get in trouble. And consistency in presence also goes along with that. When we are physically and emotionally present for children, it's really important to know that a caregiver is going to be able to be there to respond to help you meet your needs. So consistency in presence. And emotional presence means being able to actually connect with and notice and pay attention to the child's needs. People who are emotionally distant or emotionally checked out may be too depressed to be able to even engage with the child on an emotional or cognitive level. Responsiveness. To help the child learn to identify and address their thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. Children are not born with emotional intelligence. So a caregiver that's consistent notices that a child may be expressing anger or getting ready to express anger and can be responsive and note that what's going on with the child, pull them to the side and say, you know, Tommy, I noticed that you're starting to get very angry. So it helps the child start putting a word to the feeling so they can start with the emotional identification. And then the caregiver generally responds with something like, let's take a couple deep breaths or let's go on a walk for a minute. Or can you tell me what's going on? Some strategy to help the young, young child modulate that emotion, get into their wise mind. And then with that, then you can start exploring, all right, now what do we do? This is how you feel. This is why you feel that way. And these are your options for how to handle it. And caregivers are so important. And I use that term really generally, parents, grandparents, babysitters, teachers, people who interact with children are so vital to helping them identify their emotions, what triggers them and what to do about it so they can start developing their toolbox. Children also need positive attention. The only attention children get is when they're getting criticized or punished or redirected, then they may not feel good about themselves because they're like, well, I can't do anything right. Positive attention is so important. It communicates to the child that, hey, you're valuable to me and I really want to spend time with you. Validation of the child's thoughts and feelings also helps them develop emotional intelligence, boundaries and problem solving. How does it do that? Well, when we respond to a child and we help them identify what emotion they're feeling, you know, I can see you're feeling really angry right now, or you're really scared about going to the doctor, then the child starts being able to, again, put a label, put a word on that feeling. We can also, when we validate it, if we don't agree, you know, if the child is really scared about going to the doctor, going to the dentist or going on an airplane, whatever it is, we may validate, I can see you're really scared about this. You know, mommy's done it hundreds of times. And, you know, I, when I was your age, I used to be scared of it too, but I'm not anymore. And that helps them see that, okay, you know, somebody understands how I'm feeling, but there are other perspectives to it and it's okay. It's okay for me to feel this way, even if my caregiver doesn't agree. And that starts helping them learn how to set emotional boundaries with others. I can feel my feeling and it's valid, even if you don't agree. And as we validate and respond to children's emotions and reactions and thoughts, we're able to help them develop problem-solving skills. So let's take the airplane. I can see that you're really scared about getting on the airplane to go fly to grandma's. You know, I used to be really scared when I was a little girl too. So what can we do to help you feel safer getting on the airplane? Or, you know, you can see where you could, different areas where you could go with this. But validating, the child feels important. The child feels understood. The child is developing skills to master their own internal workings, which develops a sense of competence in them. They're like, hey, I'm not overwhelmed by emotions. I can deal with this when I feel it. And that builds self-esteem. Encouragement is another aspect of secure attachment. We want to encourage children to use new skills and try new things. This also helps them develop awareness of what they're good at. You know, try this. Try playing soccer. Try playing basketball. Try playing piano. Whatever it is, try it. See if you like it. See if you're good at it. If you are, great. And if not, okay, we'll try something else. But that encouragement attitude allows them to explore things and discover what they like to do, discover what they're good at, but also discover that they don't have to be good at everything and they're still lovable. And finally, safety. In secure attachment, safety is that unconditional positive regard. It's the caregiver saying, I'm here. If you have a good day, I'm here to celebrate your successes. If you have a bad day, I'm here to support you and empathize with you and help you figure out what to do next. But ultimately, I'm here. All of that communicates to the child that they're safe. It helps them take risks and get out of their comfort zone so they can try new things and develop a greater sense of confidence and confidence in themselves. And with problem solving and even trying new things, it helps them figure out that purposeful action. I have all this energy. What am I going to do with it? Well, hey, I know these things that I'm good at or these things that I enjoy, even if I'm not good at them. And that's what I want to do. In general. Now, these are just some quick tips. Three times a day. And I know that sounds like a lot, but it's really not. For school age children, when they wake up in the morning, when they get home from school and before bed, three times, bada bing. Three times a day, communicate with the child using one of their love languages, like quality time. That can mean sitting down at breakfast with the child and talking to them or, you know, after school or going to the park with them after school, doing something that they enjoy that's positive and proactive. Quality time. It only has to be 15, 20 minutes. I'm not talking hours on end here. It can even mean if the child likes to cook, you know, involving them in cooking dinner and asking them what they want to make for dinner. Touch is another love language that is very common between caregivers and children. Not so much teachers and children, but caregivers and children. Touch may be their love language, whether it's giving them a hug or letting them sit on your lap while you read them a story, whatever it is. So those are two love languages. Words of affirmation. This is telling the child how valuable they are to you. You know, I can't imagine life without you. You are so incredibly precious to me. Anything that resounds with that child, and you'll find your own words that don't sound corny or like something straight out of a Hallmark card, but letting the child know how they enrich just their presence enriches your life. Acts of service can be like making their favorite dinner just because, not because they won the spelling bee, not because they made the football team, but it's Thursday and I thought you would like it if I made you your favorite dinner. That lets the child know that, hey, my caregiver thinks about me even when I'm not around and I'm important because they want to do things that make me happy. You notice I don't have gifts on here because sometimes it can be hard to use gifts in a way that doesn't feel like bribing the child, but occasionally gifts can be used. But pick different, pick the love languages that are most important to your child. And generally people have two that are more prominent than others. So do that three times a day. I find for a lot of parents, it helps if they actually schedule it in and write down for themselves different things that they can do because if it's not something that comes second nature, it has to be learned. And that's okay. It was learned for some people when they were kids. So now as adults, it's second nature. But for other people, they have to learn how to use the love languages and make a special point to get out of their head and focus on the child. Okay. Second tip, watch your language. And I don't mean swearing. I mean, love the person, critique the behaviors. Don't say that was a very bad boy. Say, John, I love you very much, but that was a very bad choice. Love the boy, hate the choice. Love the person, hate the choice. This is true when talking about anyone's behaviors. So even if you're talking about somebody on TV or a politician or your best friend or your spouse or whomever, make sure that you are identifying that you disagree or you don't approve of their behaviors as opposed to the person. I know it's a semantic difference, but it really makes a big difference, especially in the minds of young children who have difficulty thinking abstractly. Number three, reframe weaknesses as strengths. Instead of a stubborn child, they are determined. Or instead of hyperactive, they are extremely energetic. You may need to curb some of their energeticness. However, words like stubborn and hyperactive tend to have negative connotations to them, and they tend to be used as part of the child. You are a stubborn child. So the child is internalizing something that has a negative connotation. You are very determined in your behaviors or your behaviors are very stubborn. That's something else. But you can also, again, reframe their weaknesses as strengths. My son was very hyperactive, but that energy, when you harnessed it, could be very exciting. When we would go to the museums or whatever, it was thrilling to watch him just run around. You could almost smell the smoke coming out of his brain. It was working so hard. Number four, remember that behavior is communication. Set children up for success, not criticism. So if a child is acting out, if they're not doing what you want them to do, ask yourself, what part did I have in this? Do they realize the behavior is inappropriate in this context? Do they realize that playing on their phone in church is not appropriate? Do they realize whatever they're doing in this context is not appropriate? What is the consistency in messaging here? Are you expecting too much of them? And yes, we expect a lot out of our children, but children ultimately are kids, and their attention spans, their ability to tolerate things is a lot lower than ours as adults. Sitting still for an hour and being quiet and composed and all those sorts of things, that is really, really difficult for a young child. Heck, it's really difficult for me. Behaving at a restaurant at eight o'clock at night. If you're taking a five-year-old to a restaurant at eight o'clock at night, and their bedtime is usually nine or eight, then expecting them to behave and be able to hold it together is probably foolhardy. Or behaving at the grocery store after school. I remember I used to pick my son up from school, and right after school, we would come home and I would go about starting to make dinner and get everything ready, and he would just start going absolutely bonkers around the house and being loud. And it took me a minute, but I finally realized that when he was at school, he had to behave. He had to hold it together, and he was holding all this... Remember I said he was a very energetic child. He was holding all this energy in, and when school was over, he just kind of erupted with it. And I found that life was a lot easier if we went to the park down the street after school for 20 minutes in order to let him burn off some energy. Or we went outside and played with the dogs for 20 minutes to let him burn off some energy before we went home and I started trying to make dinner without tripping over him. Going to the grocery store. I mean, after school, they've got that pent-up energy that is getting ready to erupt. Most kids do. Their blood sugar is probably low, and you're walking through the cereal aisle. I mean, that's just a trifecta for disaster. So you're probably expecting too much. You can think of ways. Maybe you do have to stop at the grocery store after school. How can you modulate that? You know, maybe make sure that they have some kind of healthy snack to get their blood sugar up. Do it quickly. Don't lollygag at the grocery store. You can do different things to make it work. Tell them it's going to be a short adventure. Whatever it is, try to engage them while you're at the store. If they're already, you know, kind of antsy, if you can engage them in asking them questions or talking about their day or something, it can help them not get sidetracked and frustrated and overwhelmed and just over it. If the child's acting out, ask yourself, what are they communicating? Are they saying, my blood sugar's low, I'm overtired, I'm scared about this, I don't have the skills to do it, I don't know what you want. What is it that they're communicating? When children act out, it's basically a way of saying, for adults, we would it resistance. But it's saying one of those things. I'm afraid, I don't know how, you know, I'm too overtired, I just, I can't do it right now. What is it? And then help them solve that problem. And do they have an alternate response to use? If a child is, for example, exhausted and you're trying to push them around the store and, you know, they just really, really want to go to bed, they may not have an alternate response. They may not know how to say, mommy, I'm really tired, I need to go night-night. So if they don't have an alternate response, you can help them identify that feeling. You know, I know you're really tired right now and you're having a hard time being patient. We're almost done. You know, help them know what they have to do or give them an alternate response. Maybe bring a little portable pillow with you or something if you know you're going to have to do something during a period when they're tired. But all of these can help children, if you recognize these and you address them appropriately, can help children have a sense of mastery and have a sense of confidence and confidence that they can go into different situations and be okay. They can handle it. As opposed to going into those situations and receiving criticism and punishment and negative things. So look at the behavior, ask yourself if there's a way you can next time set the child up better for success. And finally, address cognitive distortions. Children tend to think very dichotomously. It's all or nothing. And they also tend to think very personally. So they may think that mommy either loves me or she hates me. And it's mommy's mad and it's all about me, so she must hate me. And that's child logic. That's, you know, very young child logic. When a child starts personalizing things, we can help them explore other options. Young children, you know, elementary school, even part of middle school, may have difficulty coming up with these alternatives on their own. But as adults, we can talk to them about it. We can start planting these seeds. So personalization. If Sally does something and mom starts to cry, Sally may say, it's my fault you're upset. Maybe mom was already upset and, you know, she just suddenly started crying. And Sally doesn't understand all that. Sally doesn't know that mom just got off the phone with her sister and something bad happened. So we want to make sure that when we are feeling a certain way, especially if it's dysphoric, angry, depressed, sad, scared, we communicate to the child, this is about me. We don't have to tell them what it's about. You know, you don't have to go into great detail. Kids probably can't handle that. But letting them know, mommy had a bad day at work today, so I'm kind of grumpy. And you know how it feels when you get grumpy sometimes. So it has nothing to do with you. Mommy's just really grumpy today. Or really grumpy right now. Or mommy needs a time out right now because I got overwhelmed at work. Or whatever word you use with them. I really want to spend time with you, but I need a time out first. Children can start to understand it if you use their language and you help reassure them that it isn't them. You know, all or nothing. It's either all my fault or not my fault. So you can reassure them that. Or you and dad are fighting. It must be my fault. Must be something I did. And reassuring them that you love them. And even if you are arguing about something that has to do with parenting, you love them and it's you and their other parent, other caregiver, having a disagreement about how to handle things. Not about whether you love them or not. Magnification and minimization. Magnifying the negative and minimizing the positive. When we hear our children doing this, we need to stop them. Have them examine the facts. Whatever this is, whatever bad thing happened, how is it as big of a deal as you're feeling it is right now? What are the facts in this situation? If you failed a test, you know, sometimes if somebody fails a test, they may say, I'm a failure. Or I failed that test. There's no way I can ever pass this class. And that may be an exaggeration. So we want to look at the facts about what's going on to help them differentiate fact-based reasoning from emotional reasoning. And turn the tables. If your best friend failed a test, you know, would you tell them that looks like you're going to fail the class? Or would you encourage them? And so help them look at how they would respond to somebody else who is in the same situation. In terms of minimization, if they say, oh, it's no big deal. Anybody could have done it. Or maybe they don't even bring it up. And you find out from somebody else that they got an award or they did something great. Highlighting that and helping them recognize that that's important. That is great. That's wonderful. I want to hear about these things. And if they try to minimize it, then again, turn the tables. If somebody else did this, would you tell them to, you know, ignore it? Or would you tell them it's not a big deal? Or would you be really happy and celebrate it? A lot of times this can help children get better perspective. All or nothing thinking. Remember I said young kids tend to think in dichotomous terms, all or nothing. Help them find exceptions. If they say, I never can do anything to make you happy. Identify some of the things that they've done that have made you happy. And identify how just by being them, they enrich your life. Personification means taking it on as part of who you are. So instead of a child saying, I am depressed, encouraging them to say, I feel depressed. Instead of saying, I am a failure, say, I failed at. Because we all fail at some things, but we're not failures. Instead of saying, I'm a bad person, saying I did a bad thing. Another activity, and I love the values activity, because it really helps people start developing self-awareness. Look at values. And I've put a few here, like tolerant and accepting, caring, kind, brave, confident, curious, creative, logical, giving, honest, responsible, observant, patient, respectful, determined, forgiving, sensitive. There's a lot there. But most of these are values. And yes, when we show the world these values through our behaviors. But even if I don't always behave in the kindest way, doesn't mean I'm not a kind person. It may, it means I made a bad choice. I made an unkind choice. I'm still a kind person. But there was this exception to my behavior. So people can embody these values, but not always behave in ways that are consistent with them. We need to help children understand, yes, you know, sometimes you can make a mean choice. It doesn't mean you're a mean person. So let's look at, you know, who you are and what your heart says. I encourage caregivers to do this activity first. Identify the values that describe you, why they are important in your mind, and how you demonstrate them. So this kind of gives you an idea of the values that you find important for your self-esteem. Then with the family or the class, if you're a teacher, a values month. Each month, nurture a value in the child, like caring for others in the world around you. So that's the caring value. When the child does something that embodies the value, identify it as a good behavior. Like it was a very caring thing to do to share your crayons with Susie. Notice we're not saying, you know, caring person. We're saying it was a caring behavior. That was an example of a very caring behavior. Or it was very kind of you to pick up the trash from the sidewalk and throw it in the garbage. Noticing these little things, it gives you the opportunity to give random little boosters of affirmation to the child and help them notice their good behaviors. The behaviors that you reward are the behaviors that are likely going to increase. And for children, those affirmations are very rewarding. If a child acts contrary to those values, separate the behavior from the child. I love you so much. And you are such a caring person. I'm curious why you pulled the dog's tail or why you pushed Sam or why you lied to me. You know, this is an aberration. You're such a caring person. I'm wondering why you did this. Many times, young children don't realize how their behavior impacts others because they are egocentric. A lot of times, kids, I'm not advocating for it. Not a good thing. But kids will occasionally pull a dog's tail because then the dog will spin around and maybe even yelp and the child thinks it's funny. So the child thinks the dog may be playing, doesn't realize he hurt the dog. So we need to make sure that the child has the information. How do you think Fido felt when you pulled his tail? And if the child's like, I don't know, he thought it was funny. Well, how would you feel if someone suddenly pulled your hair? Oh, maybe I wouldn't like that. So helping them, giving them examples, helping them take the perspective of the other person. You know, how do you think Sam felt when you pushed him? Or how would you feel if Sam pushed you? When our children lie to us, and unfortunately they will, how do you think I felt when you lied to me? And we're looking for disappointed, sad, hurt. And if they don't come up with that again, asking them, how would you feel if somebody lied to you? This really helps children more continue to separate behaviors from who they are so they can start using their energy purposefully to embody those values that they want to be known for. If someone else acts contrary, someone else is unkind, highlight it and ask the child to hypothesize why and what a better response might have been. Like, Chris is such a nice boy. Why do you think he was acting kind of mean today? And maybe they'll say, maybe he didn't sleep well, or he was hungry, or, you know, let them hypothesize, but engage them in that discussion. Then ask them, what would have been a better choice? What do you think, what other thing could he have done instead of being mean today? What do you think might help him make better choices in the future? You know, and maybe, I remember having this discussion with one of my children one time, and we went through this, and Haley's brother was being mean to him, mean to her, she thought, and I asked her why she thought that might be, and we talked about it, and we talked about what she thought would have been a better choice, and her response was he probably should have gone to his room and taken a timeout, and I said, what do you think might help him make better choices in the future? And she said, I think if he got a hug, it would help him make better choices. Okay, that may not have been what her brother wanted, but the point was getting her to start thinking about, you know, people are good people. They make bad choices. We need to be curious about what motivated those bad choices and how to help them prevent it in the future. That also applies for yourself. You can also identify the value in a story or TV characters like Diego from Go Diego Go. Diego really cares about animals because he works so hard to get them home. Another activity at dinner, everybody shares how they showed that value that day, so if you're working on caring as the value, everybody at the table gives an example of what something they did that day that was caring, either for others or for the world or even sometimes for themselves. What was, what did they do that was compassionate for themselves? You can also have the child make a poster or drawing of the behaviors to demonstrate the value. So how could you show caring to me? How could you show caring about grandma? How could you show caring about the dog, about your friend, about the earth? How do you show caring about yourself? You know, those are all different drawings that could be done and you can do the same thing for patience and respect and other values that are out there, but encourage them to think about, okay, how can they show it to you, the caregiver, to other family members, to pets, to friends, to the earth and to themselves and do other activities together that develop that value. So maybe you go out and plant a tree in order to show that you care about the earth and the birds and talk about why planting a tree is a caring thing to do. Another activity, what do I like and what am I good at? And this is obviously for skills exploration. Make a list of the things each person in the family likes to do or each person in the class and try to do one of those things at least weekly. Emphasize that you don't have to be great at something to enjoy it. A few examples that I have, roller skating. I love to roller skate. I'm not good at it, but I love doing it. Video games, checkers, board games, Pictionary, art, bowling, frisbee, playing catch, gymnastics, story writing. You know, there's so many different things that people can do and so many different areas where they can figure out if they like it. Photography. I mean, you can just keep listing things. Try it and see if you like it. See if you're good at it. And again, help them recognize and remember that even if they're not good at it, if they like it, it is something that they can do that will help make them happy. Another activity, what are my thoughts on? And this helps children feel important. It helps children feel like their opinions are important and helps them feel connected. Involving children in discussions about things that involve them will help them clarify their opinions, learn to weigh the pros and cons, respect others' opinions, and learn that it's safe to be authentic. So starting out with something easy, like what movie should we watch? And you can weigh the pros and cons. Well, we could watch this movie. It's a good movie, but we watched it three times last week. So pros and cons. What should we have for dinner? You can weigh the pros and cons. You can hear the opinions of other people who are going to be eating the dinner or watching the movie and do it in a situation, do it in an environment where everybody can share their opinion. If I suggest a movie, nobody's going to say, oh, that's a stupid idea. They're going to say, not my favorite movie. I don't like that movie, but I'm not going to be unkind to you because it's something that you like. And that teaches tolerance. It teaches an environment of acceptance, and it teaches children that it is safe to be authentic. They're not going to be chastised for it. More challenging things. Why should you get to stay up until nine? Obviously this is for an older child, where the child can articulate their opinions about why they should get to stay up, and they can weigh the pros and cons. A lot of times as parents, we've got to prompt them. So if you stay up till nine, how is it that you're going to not be too sleepy at school? If you stay up till nine and follow those things up and encourage the child to think about all the pros and cons. Where should we go on vacation? What are your thoughts about moving or getting a dog? There are a lot of different things that involve the child. Now they may not be able to get their own way. Maybe you have to move because somebody got transferred, but asking them their thoughts about moving so you can help them work towards acceptance of it is important instead of just saying, well, you're moving, get over it. You're asking them, what are your thoughts? Let's talk about it. Let's process it. My daughter, and I have this on here as the faux fur incident, when she was very young, we got her her first winter coat and she took the coat off and very politely gave it back to me and declined to wear it. She said, I can't wear this coat, mommy. She wasn't being ugly about it, but I was very confused. I mean, it was a pretty coat and I said, why can't you wear that coat? She said, because it's made with fox fur. I was very confused because I knew I wouldn't have gotten anything that was actually made with fur. I looked inside and on the tag, it said faux, f-a-u-x, faux fur. She didn't understand the difference at that point. Again, she was very young, but she was asserting her opinion that it was not okay to wear real animal fur. I had to respect it. I was like, okay, I understand why you're doing this. Now, let me clarify for you. That means it's fake fur. It's not fox fur, it's fake fur. She was okay with it after that, but she learned that it was safe to be authentic. I wasn't going to yell at her or throw a temper tantrum because she declined to wear the very nice coat. When something bad happens, help the child explore their thoughts and encourage them to consider alternate interpretations and ways to cope. I'm a failure because I failed the test. Separating that behavior from the person. You failed the test. That is true. You, however, are not a failure. Let's look at the evidence about whether you as a person are a failure. Sometimes you have to really dig down and get into spelling it out very explicitly, especially for young children, but it's important. I dropped my lunch tray today and everybody laughed at me. I can't show my face at school ever again. I think we've all experienced that, even as adults at work. Something happens and we're mortified. We're like, oh my gosh, I don't want to go back there. But helping the child explore what their thoughts are about it and how to cope with it, because unfortunate things are going to happen and we don't want it to negatively impact their self-esteem. I remember one time I walked out of the bathroom at the office at residential treatment center and I had my dress tucked into the back of my breeches. So, you know, everybody was seeing my breeches and I was mortified. But, you know, two weeks later, quite honestly, nobody remembered it. But, you know, I just laughed with everybody else. I'm like, well, you know, I guess the director can screw up too. And I took it in stride. They weren't thinking less of me because I did that. It just kind of gave people a good laugh. And so one way of coping is to laugh at the situation and go, oh my gosh, that was so embarrassing. But everybody gets embarrassed and people feel more connected sometimes when somebody else gets embarrassed. They're like, oh my gosh, been there. You know, I've been humiliated too. I feel for you. And it can really help people develop connections as well. And Sam dumped me for somebody else. Well, that's going to happen. You know, generally, kids are older when they start getting into relationships. But we want to help them explore this because a lot of times it's like, it's about me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't this. I wasn't that. And that can really erode at somebody's self-esteem if they start second guessing. So we might go through and explore alternate reasons why Sam may have ended the relationship or want to go out with this other person that has nothing to do with you. Or maybe it does have something to do with you, but it's because you're not willing to do certain things. Sam wants to go out with somebody who will. Fine. You know, so encouraging them to look at alternate explanation for what's happening, but also not minimizing it. Recognizing regardless of the reason the relationship broke up, it still hurts like heck. And empathizing and validating and helping them figure out, okay, how do I tolerate this distress and work through the process? All of these things can help children and adolescents learn to reframe unfortunate things in a way that helps them feel confident and competent and good about themselves. What are my feelings? What triggers them? And how can I cope? Mindfulness at meals and before bed can be really helpful. If we ask children, how do you feel right now? And if they say happy, great. Why? Tell me why you're happy. What's going on? If they say exhausted, okay, tell me about that. Encouraging children every day to engage in that emotional vocabulary, to identify what's going on and what triggered it. So they can start connecting the dots. Even as young as two or three, kids can start connecting some of the dots. What does the feeling, anger, sadness, et cetera, look like for you? And what does it feel like? For young children, you want to identify it when they're showing early signs of a feeling. So if they're starting, you can see they're starting to get agitated or angry. You want to identify that. I see you're starting to get angry. Children will learn and then you can help them say, figure out what do I do next? For young children who don't have a big vocabulary, who aren't reading words yet, you can ask them, you know, what animal do you feel like? You know, if they're scared, maybe they feel like a squirrel or a rabbit. If they are angry, maybe they feel like a roaring lion or a dragon, whatever it is. Or you can ask them what color they feel like. Do they feel like blue or pink or what color do they feel like and why? And encourage them to talk about and identify what makes me feel happy, what makes me feel angry, sad, scared, overwhelmed. This is an activity that you can just do periodically. So if a child, if you're riding in a car, you can just spontaneously go, what animal do you feel like today? And tell me why. Or riding in the car. Sometimes you tell me you feel like like a bunny rabbit. Why is that? What makes you feel like a bunny rabbit? Encourage them to talk and help them start connecting with themselves. It helps them develop a sense of mastery. Self-esteem is enhanced when people are aware of their thoughts, feelings, needs, strengths, weaknesses, and identity and feel safe living authentically. Now that's a lot to ask and kids don't have much of this. It's something that we help them develop with secure attachment. We help them when they start getting upset. We help them identify what they're feeling, put a word on it. We help them learn how to tolerate that distress. And then we help them identify, you know, what need do you have right now? Or what made you feel this way? What triggered this feeling in you? And what can you do about it? So through being validating and responsive to children, we can help them develop a sense of personal mastery and personal agency. So the world doesn't seem so overwhelming. We can help people accept that they are lovable despite being imperfect. And remember, we need to do this with everybody, not just with children. We need to use our words carefully. Instead of saying somebody is a bad person, say they're a good person that made a mistake. I remember when I was, my son was little. I used to lose my keys a lot and I would say, mommy's such a moron. And I remember one day I lost my keys and he just spouted up for me, mommy's a moron. And I turned and I got ready to scold him for it. And then I thought, well, he's heard me say it 20 times or more. So at that point I said, you know what? I really shouldn't say that about myself because that's not nice to me. So I should say that that was a silly thing for me to do, to not put my, put my keys away. And he was fine with it. He's like, okay. But it was important, it's important to recognize that kids absorb a lot. So we need to recognize and be careful about what we're saying and what the people around us are saying. And even what the media they watch is saying, what kind of messages are their television shows communicating to them? People's self-esteem is enhanced when they feel loved for who they are and not what they do or what they look like. When they're loved because they're a caring person, even if they don't always act caringly, they are a caring person and they can make better choices in the future. Self-esteem is enhanced when people feel confident in their ability to manage their emotions and cope with life. You know, we feel esteem. We feel good about ourselves when something happens and we get upset and we can handle it instead of lashing out at people or melting down and we feel powerless and helpless and unsafe. So we really want to help people feel confident in their ability to manage it, make sure they have the tools so then they don't, because we want to prevent them from acting in a way that they'll later regret and feel bad about, feel bad about. And people's self-esteem is enhanced when they're encouraged to use their energy to be the best version of themselves. If that is what they are right now, well great. If they want to grow more, well that's great too. But using their energy in a way that enhances them can help them feel again like they are agents of change in their life and they can be even better than they were yesterday, today. Executive producer, Hype Media Global. Technical producer, Charles Snipes. Presenter, Dr. Donnalise Snipes. This video was recorded on February 7th, 2022.