Slow Dating In A Fast World: How To Find A Partner Who Wants Real Love

Do you ever feel like what you want in terms of a relationship? That you're just living in the wrong time period? That you're out of place with today's mores? With how quickly people jump into bed and establish a relationship only to find themselves not in one month later? Hi there, it's Susan Winter. Thank you for joining me today. And if you like these conversations, please let me thank those of you who are already subscribers. And if you're not, do me a favor. I love to have you know when I've got new material coming. So subscribe and push the little bell to let you know when I've got something new to share with all of you. Because my goal is to try to make your life dating a lot easier. So I have questions and answers, and people write me care of susanwinter.net, and they go to the contact page and give me a Q&A box. And I have a letter today that I want to read from Maya because I think that she is speaking for so many of us. She has an idea of the kind of slow dating that she'd like to have, and is wondering like, good heavens, is it even possible in today's world? So Maya, thank you for your query. I'm answering it now. And if you want to also listen to this on the podcast, there's the Susan Winter Show on all your streaming platforms. So Maya writes, Dear Susan, How to find peace in this fast food world if I feel like I'll never find a partner interested in a serious relationship? I'm 45 and it really feels impossible to find a man who'd be okay with slow dating, allowing me to build needed connection for having sex. I feel desperate, struggling with a sense of being outdated in my values and needs. Well, I'm an unapologetic monogamist. No matter what is going on in terms of modern designs, I applaud anybody who is living their truth, and I'm happy to help you get there and design it. But I know what I like, and it might not be so popular. Maybe right now, being dating casually is far easier. I don't personally want that. And so I know that. It doesn't mean I'm going to try to do something I don't want to do. I think for those of you who have a very clear image of the kind of person you want to date and the way you want to date, my first question is, where are you meeting these people? Okay, so it's pretty obvious. They're not going to be the ones hanging out at two o'clock, drunk and high at a bar. You know that, all right? Not to say that wouldn't be an offshoot, maybe a bachelor party or something, and they're friends, but rare. So most people who are looking for a more traditional way to date, even though they're modern, may seek something in a church or a synagogue or a place of spiritual growth, self-growth, some other organization that already has a structural foundation that resonates with the quality of relationship you want to create. And that would be something founded on certain principles of behavior. Now, we live in a time period, rightly stated, fast food. The sexual mores have changed so much in the many generations that I've witnessed. But being authentic and true to yourself, one thing you can never do is try to be somebody you're not. I did that work for myself and for a lot of other people too. I tried to be a modern person. I tried to speed up this dating bit. I tried to do that because how am I going to guide people if I hadn't gone through the transit myself? And I realized it's not me. I'm really uncomfortable with it. And it doesn't give me the quality partner that I want in that kind of a setting. So I can't change. I make peace with that. There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with you. Whatever you want, however you want it, if that is right and true for you, don't amend yourself to this world. Hold fast to what you know you want because you won't be happy with anything less. Two, how to not give up hope. Go to the right places. Go to places where you have a shot to meet somebody that already thinks like this, okay? Maybe it's a business meeting. Maybe it's a conservative group. Maybe it is a spiritual group. Maybe again, it's a church or a synagogue or some kind of growth mindset organization where people are already aware and have done some self-analysis and can be reflective and communicative on what they want to create as well. People who've done that self-inventory, that group will be far more aware and not just stumbling into a relationship and trying to get immediate needs gratified. So go with thoughtful, structured individuals. And thirdly, there must be people and friends who can introduce you. Married couples are great. Married ladies love to set you up and get you in the union that they have. So they have a playmate. So they and their hubby can double date or go out with you as a couple. And so I find that married people are excellent. People live together because they always know single people. They can qualify for their behavior. They can vet for them. So it's really, really good. And I think that those kinds of ideas are going to help you. Probably not dating online unless you went to a religious organization or a spiritual site. But you just need to evaluate their character. And that can, if you wanted to date online, it can start with your profile and how you mention what you're looking for. And Maya, I'd be right up front about that. I'd state it right off the top. I'm into slow dating. I'm a modern woman who's looking for a more traditional approach to courtship and dating. My end goal is that I want, maybe you want marriage, maybe you want to live together. I don't know what you want. But when you set this up as the initial filter for the entry ramp to meet you, you're going to get rid of a lot of the nonsense. And again, now we have to realize that there are people who think they want this, who think they can do it. And when they get there, they can't. But don't amend yourself downward to satisfy the bottom of the barrel. Whatever anybody else is doing who's not thought it through, you will never be happy. And I had a friend who met the love of her life. She was 53. She'd been married twice. The first time is what one young lady does in her environment. That's what she did. What she was supposed to do. Second marriage was really more to take care of her children. She wanted them to have a father. Third time around, love of her life, 53. I never forget that. And why did it take that long? She had some things to learn within herself, her own learning curve of what she wanted and what she didn't want. And I think slow dating is wonderful. And I think that as negative as it seems in our, as you said, fast food world of dating, there is a flip that we're seeing happen. Not only with trad wives and traditional relationships and guys that want to take care of women and women who want to be taken care of, that's as far from girlboss as you can get. There seems to be, I think, the millennials have just gone the gamut of we've tried everything else. What really makes us happy? And I think by opening up the box of trying every other design, most people will come back to the point where they realize that humans are basically designed to pair bond. And that's our natural incentive. And when all the chaos is taking place and all the different upheaving of the structure so that we have greater freedom to create the type of design within whatever our design is, that I think people are coming back to the uniqueness of quality rather than quantity. And I think that now that you've had a taste of what it can be, when it is missing, that it's becoming even more desirable now. So while you may think that you're just out of step with today's world and there is no hope for you, I think you might be finding that we are seeing an entire shift happen because societies shift what they're seeking when what they were seeking does not give them fulfillment. Nobody gets fulfilled with fast food, not real. So just remember too, that every day in this world, people find their ways to lasting, loving partnership every day in spite of what we see and what we personally witnessed in all of our bad dates, people find their way there. So you certainly can be one of them. And I think that you will find that our time period might just be helping you in the long run. Be clear about what you want, be clear about how you want it, and you should be fine and go other places than wherever you've been looking. I hope this helps you. Susan Winter for susanwinter.net. If you want a consultation, chat me up. You can see the consultation page. Get on my newsletter. It's the homepage of susanwinter.net. I travel throughout the world. And when I do, I do in-person consultations. So this summer, I will be in Milan and I'm taking appointments now with clients. And I love, when I went to Singapore, I got to meet so many of my Asian clients and I just love this. So it's one of my favorite parts of traveling is taking time to meet my foreign clients or even when I'm in the US. You can visit me in New York City for an in-person consultation. Hang on to your principles. Never compromise those. You'll never be happy. You'll get something, but you'll never be happy in it. So it's okay to be who you are and it's okay to have high standards. You're going to be fine. Take care, everyone. Susan Winter.