The Chaotic Ones with the Guys | Friends

In what John Huston film would you hear this line? Badges? We don't need no stinking badges. Treasure of Sierra Madre. Correct. There's a possible backwards bonus. Madre Sierra thee of treasure. Yes. I'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut, please. Wise choice. How many rungs? Six. That noise can only mean one thing. Hungry monkey. I'd like a wicked wango card. Okay. It's an audio question. Name this television theme song. Oh, my God. Okay, I know this. Give me a second. Tell it to the time turtle. Shut up. I dream of genius. Yes, you're back in the lead. I'd like to spin the wheel. Super speedy speed round. Is there a hopping bonus? Of course. Who invented bifocals? Ben Franklin. Correct. Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest? Queen Victoria. Correct again, but you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus. Oh, every time. Now, over to Chandler. I'd like a Google card. Are you sure? Yes. No. Oh, my God. Congratulations, Ross, because Chandler, you've been bamboozled. This is the best game ever. That's what I've got going for the party so far, liquor-wise. Get a lot of liquor. Great. Okay, now, in terms of the invite list, obviously I've got you, me, and Chandler, and I'm going to invite Gunther, because, well, we've been talking about this pretty loudly. I'll be there. And, oh, listen, I know it's your party, but I'd really like to limit the number of museum geeks that are going to be there. Tell you what, let's not invite any of the anthropologists, okay? Just the dinosaur dudes. Okay, we need a six-pack of Zima. Hey, guys, what are you doing? Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man. Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one. Yeah, see, I don't think it's going to be that difficult, considering this one won't take place in the basement of a pizza hut. Oh, I'm Ross, I'm Ross, I'm too good for the hut, I'm too good for the hut. Look, I've got to go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great, Joey. Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker. No strippers or anything, okay? You got it. Okay, see you later. Yeah. Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party. I thought there was going to be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers. He just said no strippers. Oh, I chose not to hear that. Hey, listen, man, about the stripper. Yeah? Good call. A little announcement, a little announcement. I've decided that my best man is my best friend, Gunther. What's my last name? Central Perk. Thanks for not marrying Rachel. Hey, whoa, hey, Gunther, don't forget your shirt. Hey, hey, what are those? A little party favors, check it out. Wow, yeah. Okay, okay, a little announcement. I want everybody to know the position of my best man is still open. And, uh, you know, so is the position of the bride. Great. Smooth, man. Yeah, you got some chili on your neck. Oh, I guess, um, good night. Oh, unless you, uh, unless you want to hang around. Yeah? Yeah, I'll let you play with my duck. Hey, stripper. Stripper stole the ring! The stripper stole the ring! Chandler, get up, get up! The stripper stole the ring! What? The ring is gone! Give me a minute to wake up for this. You lost the ring. You're the worst best man ever. Dude, this isn't funny. What am I going to do? I go to sleep last night, everything's cool. I wake up this morning, the stripper's gone and the ring is gone. You slept with the stripper? Of course. Let me see what you wrote about yourself. Oh. Doctor of paleontology, two kids. Wait a second, you split with Carol because you had different interests? I think you split with Carol because you had one very similar interest. You know what, I'm going to finish this later, okay? Let me just grab my coat. Okay. Well, did you think you learned how to do it in the last two minutes? Maybe we finish this for him. Also, I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She is now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had. And send. No, no, you can't do that to him. Alright, let's go. Dude, I think you made it clear you can't be trusted with the ball inside the house. And send. She doesn't have to go, believe me. But, unfortunately, I have to. Oh, by the way, what's the name of the girl you're dating? Kristen Leigh. Bye. Well, obviously only one of us can keep dating her. Obviously. So how do we decide? Well, now, let's look at this objectively. I think I should date her. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Or, or, I'm the one who dates her. That's interesting, but check this out. I date her. Yeah, yeah, I like that. But just to go in another direction... Okay, okay, this can go on for a while. Yeah, well, we should order some food, then. No, Joey. Look, why don't we just let her decide? Okay, hey, hey. We'll each go out with her one more time. And, and we'll see who she likes best. That sounds fair. Maybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the street. Hey, wait a second, now. Look, we're gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like that. Well, sorry. That's what I do on dates. All right. Well, I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates. So let's decide on a spending limit. Yeah. Uh... A slice... Six dollars? I was thinking more like a hundred. Okay. Can I borrow $94? Joey? Mother? Joey! Chandler? What are you still doing here? I thought you guys took off. Oh, no, no, no, she took off. With my clothes? Are you naked in there? Well, not exactly. I'm wearing panties. You, uh, you always wear panties? No, no. This is the first time. Wow, talk about your bad luck. I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. I was not trying them out. Susie asked me to wear them. Well, let me see. No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever. Alright, alright. Whoa. Someone's flossing. Joey, some people don't like that. Chandler's wearing panties. What? Let me see. No, no, you don't have to see. Hi, Tushy. Alright. Why don't you give me your underpants? Oh, no, no, no. Can't help you. I'm not wearing any. How can you not be wearing any underwear? Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong. Alright, look. Ross, I'll give you $50 for your underpants. Hey. I saw what you were doing through the window. I saw what you were doing to my sister. Now, get out here. Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four, five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime. So, goodbye. Take care. Bye-bye, then. What are you doing? Oh, I'm going on the lam. Come on, Chandler. Come on. I can handle Ross. Hold on. Hey, Ross. What's up, bro? What the hell are you doing? Hey, what's going on? Well, I think... I think... Ross knows about me and Monica. Dude, he's right there. I thought you were my best friend. This is my sister. My best friend and my sister. I cannot believe this. Look, we're not just messing around. I love her. Okay? I'm in love with her. I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true. I love him, too. My best friend and my sister. I cannot believe this. Oh, I'm sorry. You guys want to probably get some hugs in, too, huh? Big news. No, that's okay. We've actually known for a while. What? You guys knew? You all knew and you didn't tell me? Well, Ross, we were worried about you, okay? We didn't know how you were going to react. You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? Okay. All right. What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? Hey, hey, hey. I'm just talking here. He's the one doing your sister. I'll give you a chance to win my money back, okay? Sudden death. One goal. $1,000. You serious? Oh, yes. Okay. Get ready to owe me. Okay. Okay, here we go. Ready? One can beat me. See? Now that's why only the little fake men are supposed to do the kicking. What are you guys doing? Try it. I can't feel a thing. Are you kidding? This is packing? We're taking a break. From? Jumping on the bed. All right. Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you've got Geller blood. You're in charge of these yahoos. You got it. All right. She's right. We got to get serious. Let's put Styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him. Or you could just, you know... What the hell are you doing? What the hell am I doing? He just broke my fridge. What? How do you know it's even broken? Oh, you think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me. What do you know? Broken. That'll be $400. Joey, I saw you push him. You pushed him? Joey, I did not break this, okay? That has been broken for a while. By the way, remember I told you about our fridge? Uh-huh. I still haven't gotten the check for your half yet. Do not give him any money. I'm not talking to you. You broke my fridge. I have had enough of this, all right? Gunther! These guys are trying to take our seat. Fellas, these guys were here first. Oh, sorry. I didn't realize. There you go. Thank you, Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that. He told on us? Well, pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. Don't play with his things. I know. All right. Let's take this outside. Let's take this outside? Who talks like that? The guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that. You had to ask. Yeah. Okay, okay, look. See, the thing is, we're not going to fight you guys. Well, then here's the deal. You won't have to, so long as you never, ever show your faces in this coffeehouse ever again. I'd like to toast Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast, or Melba toast, if you will. Okay. I've known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. And I thought things were really going to work out for him until the day he overinflated her. Oh, dear God. I'm sure we're all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean, to thank my friend getting married in Monty Hall. Oh, come on, Monty Hall, let's make a deal. Come on, you people. All right, forget it. Congratulations, Ross and Emily. Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I'm not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Excuse me. It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied. Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you'd know that or we'd be in the predicament room. Fill these out. Sit over there. Look, look, look. Look, I don't want to make any trouble, okay? But I'm in a lot of pain here, all right? My face is dented. Well, you'll have to wait your turn. Well, how long do you think it'll be? Any minute now. I don't think you heard me. Are you ready to party? No. Gandalf? Gandalf is coming to town? Kathy's with her parents. I have nothing to do. So tomorrow we are partying with Gandalf, dude. Dude, we are so going to party. Wow, okay. Dude alert. And who is this guy? Mike Gandalf Ganderson. Only, like, the funnest guy in the world. I'm going to call and get off work tomorrow. I'm going to call after you. This is going to be so cool. Dude, we never party anymore. All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van? Really? And what do you mean we never have fun anymore? You have fun with me. Remember the time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book? Joey, you are going to love this guy. Gandalf is like the party wizard. Well, why do you call him Gandalf? Gandalf the wizard. Hello, didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school? No, I had sex in high school. All right, so we'll get a little coffee, we'll get energized and we'll head back out. All right, okay. So we're having fun, right? We don't need that wizard guy. We'll hit a couple of clubs, talk to some strangers, and after this we'll go down to the docks and see about that boat thing. I'm kind of beat. Actually, me too. You serious? Yeah. Thank God, I'm exhausted. So you guys want coffees? Yeah, but I don't want to be up too late, so I'll have a decaf. Yeah, me too. Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud? I can't hear a word you're saying, my ears are ringing so bad. I'm just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, you know? I used them as mittens, I didn't want to touch a thing in that last place. How sad are we? I know. You know, we're not sad. We're not sad, we're just not 21 anymore, you know? I'm 29 years old, dammit, and I want to sit in a comfortable chair and watch television and go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Yeah. And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends. Yeah. And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G and take a bath? We're 29, we're not women. I'm very glad that you saved Ross when the car backfired, but it could have been a bullet and, you know, you didn't try to save me. Oh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you. No, I knew you could take care of yourself. You know, I mean, Ross, he needs help. He's not street like us. What it comes down to is you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line. No, not exactly. All right, look, I wasn't trying to save Ross, okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was trying to save my sandwich. From a bullet. I know it doesn't make much sense. Much sense? Chandler, it was instinct, okay? I just went for it. So you risked your life for a sandwich. I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler, this is the greatest sandwich in the world. So you didn't choose Ross before me? No, I would never do that. You're like my brother. Really? Yeah. In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, here. Thanks. Oh, easy. It's not a hot dog. How good is that? Oh, wow. See? Hey, dude, what are you doing? I thought you were showing me how much I mean to you. Yeah, with a bite. Geez. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if our duck and our chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck. Or Dick. Hey. Hey, hey. Listen, I need a favor. I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I, well, I felt something. Was it like a sneeze, only better? No, no, I mean like a thing on my body. What was it? Well, I don't know. It's kind of in a place that's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could help me out. Why? Come on, you guys. It's no big deal. Just go away. Huh. Well, what is it? Is it a mole? No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole. Ew, is it, what, a pimple? No, it's fancier than a pimple. Look, Ross, why don't you just go see a doctor? Hey, guys, what's... Okay, well, it's definite. Two more weeks of winter. Right. There you go, kids. And then the peacock bit me. Please kiss me at midnight. You seen Sandy? I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Oh, look at that. I did know how to tell you. Everybody, the ball is dropping. What? The ball is dripping. In 20 seconds, it'll be midnight. And the moment of joy is upon us. Looks like that nose date pack thing worked out. Everybody looks so happy. I hate that. Not everybody's happy. Hey, Bobby. You know, I just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. I can't kiss anyone. So I'm kissing everyone? No, no, no. You can't kiss Ross. That's your brother. Oh, yeah? Perfect, perfect. So now everybody's gonna kiss but me. All right, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me. It's midnight. Hey. Emily's cousin kicked me out. What? Why? Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back. How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease? Who needs a lease when it's family? Hey, you can stay with us. We'll take care of it. Absolutely. Anything you need, man. But you have to promise me you will let us know the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair. Yeah. We got it. Okay. Thanks, you guys. I really appreciate this. All right, well, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much lately I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. What? He thought you said gonad. Joey, please. Hello, children. Hey, wanna play some foosball? Please? Okay. No, no, no. We have to move the table into my room. Yeah, because of all the boxes. Come on. All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? Bye-bye, little puppet Joey hand? I don't know. The quiet down thing? You mean this? Look, I don't know how much more of this I can take. Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs? My God. What if that had been porn? You know, this may be tough, but come on, it's Ross. I survived college with him. All right. I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game. Okay. Yes! Uh, fellas? Okay, so he's out of here. Welcome to the Chessening, Mr. Bing. So where are you joining us from? New York. The Big Apple. I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up. We had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here. I ate all my gifts for everybody. I'm sorry, Mr. Bing. There's no record of your reservation in the computer. Well, that's impossible. Can you check again, please? Check again, please. I'm sorry, it's not here. It's not there? Let me get this straight. I called yesterday to try to cancel my reservation, was told it's not refundable. Then we drove six hours all the way up here, and now you're telling me that we don't have a reservation? I don't know what to say. Say no to that. What's the cheapest room you have? Well, unfortunately, the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite. The rate is $600. That's insane! It is totally insane. Dude, let's drive home. We'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back, and if they're closed, then maybe we'll tap a tree and make some Marcel. Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? We'll take it. Great. Look, they are totally ripping us off. Dude, don't worry about it. This is a nice hotel. You know, plenty of amenities. We just load up on those. Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I take six. Great. At $100 an apple, we're there. You get the idea. We'll make our money back in no time. Dude, you're shaking. I think it's the sugar. Could you hold the apple? Hi. This is Ross Geller in suite 206. I have a few things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room? Thank you. Okay, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, band-aids, shaving cream, aftershave. And I feel like I'm forgetting something. Is there anything else you have that I haven't asked for already? Yeah, go ahead. Send up some tampons. What'd you get? USA Today. Nice. Put them with the others. And I also got two more apples. We're four short of a bushel. Yeah. God, I feel so alive. I love being in the country. Also got these great salt and pepper shakers from the restaurant. Oh, that's not cool. Dude, none of this is cool. Look, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking so, for example, a hairdryer, no, no, no, but shampoos and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt... I wish I'd thought this through. I think I get what you mean, though. Like, the lamp is the hotels, but the bulbs... You already got that. Not my first time in a hotel, but how about this? No, no, no, you can't take the remote control. Yes, but the batteries... Thank you. Thank you very much. Let's celebrate with some maple candy. At least tell me where you hid it. Here's your copy of the bill. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Oh, we did, and you still have all your lamps. I didn't factor in the room tax. Oh, dude, don't worry about it. Me and my intended maid's car were way ahead of the game. Oh, my God. What? There's something new in the bowl. Look, we have enough. Just walk away. But I want the pine cones. There's a forest right outside. It's not the same. Okay, go quick. Thank you for a delightful stay. My maple candy! Die Hard, still great. Yeah. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature? What else did you rent? Die Hard 2. Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again. Oh. But we watch it a second time, and it's Die Hard 2. Joey, we just saw it. And? And it would be cool to see it again. Yeah, Die Hard! Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay? Yeah, I just got plans. Well, John McClane had plans. You see, the thing is, I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch. What are you talking about, bitch? What happened? I don't know. He fell asleep. That is all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, I better go. Yeah, I think that would be best. All right, I'll talk to you later. Okay, but not about this. No, never. Never. So, uh, bye. No touch, no touch. She's going to be okay, right? I mean, she's not going to leave me. This is fixable. By me. Oh, no. No, no. Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture. Yeah, big, though. Oh, ----, the missus. Here, can I get a coffee? To go? Monica, you can... I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you. Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. What? Well, that's what we do, you know? I mess up, and then you tell me how to fix it, and then I do, and then, you know, you think I'm all cute again. I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're going to have to figure this one out for yourself. Right? You know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. I took the quiz, and it turns out I do put career before men. Get up. What? Where's my seat? How is this your seat? Because I was sitting there. But then you left. Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom. You knew I was coming back. What's the big deal? Sit somewhere else. The big deal is I was sitting there last, so it's my seat. Well, actually, the last place you were sitting was in there, so... You guys, you know what? We both have to go get dressed before the big vein in my head pops, so... All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing really quickly. It's not a big deal. Get up! All right, fine. You know what? We'll both sit in the chair. I am so comfortable. Me, too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. All right. Okay, look, we have 19 minutes, okay? Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change, okay? And then when you come back, Joey will go change and he'll have vacated the chair, okay? Okay. All right, fine. I'm going. When I get back, it's chair sitting and I'm the guy who's sitting in a chair. All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So, in the words of A.A. Milne, get out of my chair, deal hole. Okay. What are you doing? Well, you said I had to give you the chair. You didn't say anything about the cushions. The cushions are the essence of the chair. That's right. I'm taking the essence. Oh, he'll be back. Oh, there's nobody in the room. Where's my underwear? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what? You took his underwear? He took my essence. Okay, hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Because I'm not wearing any underwear now. Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? It's a rented tux, okay? I'm not going to go commando on another man's fatigues. Well, then it looks like somebody's going to have to give somebody back his cushions. Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm going to do the exact opposite to you. What are you, what are you going to show me my clothes? Hey, opposite is opposite. He's got nothing. Okay, buddy boy, here it is. You hide my clothes. I'm wearing everything you own. Oh, my God. That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear. Look at me. I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando. I'll tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. Okay, okay, enough. Enough with the lunging. No, I'm sick of this, okay? I've had it up to here with you two. Neither of you can come to the party. Jeez, what a baby.