How To Heal The Relationship With Your Child

Okay, let's talk about parenting today. I'm a parent. A lot of the people I work with are parents and it is an amazing experience, but it can be really hard. And one of the things that happens is that we hurt our kids. We don't mean to do it, you know, most of the time, but it's a part of being a child. You know, we've all gone through it. We've all had ourselves hurt when we were kids and then now our work is healing and the same thing is happening to your child. So I'm going to make a suggestion of a question to ask to find out where they've been hurt so everybody can do some healing and moving forward. I'm Stacey Rockline. I'm a relationship coach and I help you heal what's broken, communicate what hurts and close the distance in your relationships. So my oldest is 18 and so in the process of launching and one of the questions I've been asking in the last about year is, you know, where did I go wrong as a parent? What hurt you through in your childhood or whatever that was directly related to how I did it or how I showed up or something I said, did, whatever. And I asked that question for a few reasons and I want to talk about that today and hopefully convince you that it's such an opportunity to do a lot of things that are healthy for both of us. Now it takes courage because I've heard some things that have hurt and not that he wasn't being hurtful but by asking that question you're inviting that in. But here's the thing, I would rather know so that we can move through it than just not know because it hurts so much. Seems so much more healthy for him and me if we talk about it. So what are the advantages for the kid? Number one, they get a chance to process those things that hurt. They don't necessarily sit around thinking about those but they get in their way. So just by talking about it, that can help with the processing and the healing. Hearing my explanation of what was going on, that can also help. When we start to understand what happened for the other person, that can also be beneficial when you're trying to heal. So that's the first thing. The second thing is that it gives them practice. It's a really important relationship skill that you're able to give feedback to someone else that can potentially hurt them. If you have hurt feelings you have to talk about it. You can't keep it in. It's not good for you. It's not good for the relationship and they need a chance to practice doing that for all of their future relationships, right? So it's good practice. And the last thing is this, they are becoming adults or they are already adults. So the nature of our relationship is changing. It was parent and child before but at some point my intention is that it is no longer like that. There comes a point where my kids don't want me to tell them what to do. They want to go live their lives. And so the more experiences we have that move us in that direction once they get to a certain age, the better. This is a step into adulthood. This is us changing our relationship to now two adults talking about stuff. Talking about how they've had experiences together instead of a parent and child. And that is a healthy direction for our children. So those are three advantages for the kid. What's in it for you? Number one, you get a chance to apologize. You may not have any idea what hurt them. You can say a sentence and it's just received a certain way on a certain day and it was painful. You get a chance to apologize. That's good for the relationship and it's good for you. Now you might very well know what hurt them but need them to say it so that you really can take it into your heart and make sure that you make it right. That you apologize so they can heal. So you'd apologize for yourself and for the relationship. The second thing, you get to practice important relationship skills. The best way to listen in this environment is to leave your own self-judgment and believe me, it will show up. You will hear, well, I heard, oh my God, I'm a terrible mom soundtrack, right? I can't listen to what he's saying if I've got that going. So I have to practice putting that aside. I also have to put away my bruised ego, right? I've got to put that aside so that I can fully hear what he's saying and that's good practice for me to put those things down, open my ears to hear what he has to say. I got to practice a lot of self-forgiveness. It is hard to hear that you've hurt your child and if you're a parent, you've done it. It's hard to hear that and it hurts you to know that. So you get to practice a lot of self-forgiveness in the process and that's just a skill you need for life because we hurt ourselves all the time. And the last thing is you get to make corrections, right? In this case, this is my oldest. So I've got two younger kids. I can make corrections in parenting, but also he's telling me information about how my behavior is being received by someone else. That gives me a chance to make corrections for my life. So I'm a better partner in all of my relationships. So there's four great things for me in this experience of asking how you hurt them. Now you can ask a younger kid this, but you got to kind of think about like, are they mature enough for it? Is this going to really be a helpful conversation? You want it to be a healing, growing, healthy thing between the two of you. But it has, I feel like I've grown miles listening to the answer to these questions. And I know that it's really helped our relationship too, which is of huge importance to me, obviously. So highly encourage if you've got someone launching or you have an adult child that you ask them, how were you hurt in your childhood? So that they have a chance to process and heal, practice this skill and step into your adult relationship. And that you get to apologize so both people can heal, practice putting aside your ego and self-judgment, practice self-forgiveness and make corrections. It is a win-win situation and I recommend it for everybody. Now, if you know you're going to get triggered, which is normal, obviously this is a highly kind of charged situation, then you might want some tips going in. I highly recommend you go pick up 11 ways to turn an argument into a conversation. I'm not saying this is going to be an argument, but there are a lot of tips in this PDF for how you can navigate potentially intense conversations. So make sure you pick that up and you read that through before you sit down to have this wonderful, courage requiring, healing and growing potential conversation. Okay. Good luck.