The Ones That Make You Laugh | Friends

I've had a really good time tonight. You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date. Me neither. I've had a really good time too, you know. Are you gonna eat that bread? Oh, I just like the smell. You make me laugh. Would you like to move over to the couch? Maybe I'll just turn down the lights a little. How about all the way? Okay. Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? So, uh, where were we? Are those your teeth? Oh, you can see them, huh? Yes, they're insanely white. Yeah, I did that for you. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? You've got a blacklight. It's 1999. Oh my god, the pages are stuck together. Chandler. Oh my god, she made half an English trifle and half a shepherd's pie. Now, this is so good that I'm gonna go enjoy it on the balcony. Hope I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert. I've gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is for Monica's room. I'll help you dial. I'm gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror as I eat it. Okay, now what was that all about? Is it, does it not taste good? Let me try it. Oh, no, no, yeah. All gone. So good. Maybe Chandler has some left. It tastes like feet. I like it. Are you kidding? What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good. So, a bird just grabbed it and then, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street? Yes, but if it's any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it. Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily and I think that's, I think it's really cool. Yeah, Rachel, I think you're handling that really well. Handling it? What do you mean handling it? There's nothing to handle. You know, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn't for me and Joshua. You know, they're not going to get married anyway. What? Come on, they rushed into this thing so fast, it's ridiculous. I mean, they're going to be engaged for like, what, a year and somewhere along the way, one of them is going to realize what they've done and they're going to call the whole thing off. I'm telling you, you're going to be dancing at my wedding before you're dancing at theirs. Yeah, well, I don't dance at weddings. Because weddings are a great place to meet women and when I dance, I look like this. Hey, man. Hey. So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today? Nothing. I am free. Great, because Emily and I are getting married in a month. What? Yep. In a month? Yeah. You mean 30 days? Yeah. From now? Yeah. That's great. Yeah, where's Rachel? She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital. Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel? What? When was this? 1987, the weekend you guys visited me at school. Oh my God, that's wild. Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter. Well, it matters to me. Why? Because the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time. You kissed her that night too? Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. Seriously, where did this happen? Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know, but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first. Oh wait, what bed did you say she was on? Mine. I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. No, she was definitely on my bed. Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed? Well, then who was on my bed? You were under the pile of coats? I was the pile of coats. Oh my God. My first kiss with Rachel? We're gonna split it. You take half and I take half. Well, that's not fair. You've already had some. Oh, you know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy. What do we use to split it? Okay. All right, pick a half. Okay, well, this side looks bigger. Uh, I think there's more crust on this side. Yeah, so. Maybe if I measure. Oh, for God's sake, just pick a piece. All right, pick that. So the smaller piece. Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half, my friend, but that is it. No sharing, no switching, and don't come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. All right, you gonna give me some of your piece? Oh, no, no. No switching, no sharing, and don't come crying to me. I may just sit here and have my cake all day. Just sit here in the hallway and eat my. Okay, look, there's a piece that doesn't have flour on it. Stick to your side. Come on now. All right, what do we have? Took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host. Good, take care of everything. There's plenty of things for you to do. Uh-huh, like what? Cups. Cups? You're giving me cups? And ice. Cups and ice? Oh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? All right, fine. Okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice. Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant. I got it in line. Hey, check it out. Cup hat, cup banner, cup chandelier, and the thing that started it all, the cup. Great job with the cups, babes. Why don't you just go out with her? And did you notice the ice? Look, we have it all. We have crushed, cubed, and dry. Watch. Mystical. No one's eating my Tuscan finger food because they're all filling up on baby snow cones. They're snow cones? Snow cones? You go, go. Thank you, thank you. My God, these pants. I'm burning up. Come on, she wants to snuggle now? What, is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here. Are you hot? No. Okay, must just be me then. That was just the pants and the couch. Um, hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom? Go ahead. Thanks. Joey, it's Ross. I need some help. Uh, Chandler's not here. Well, you can help me. Okay. Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom. Nice. No, I got really hot in my leather pants, so I took them off, but they must have shrunk from the sweat or something, or my legs expanded from the heat. But I can't get them back on, Joey, I can't. Oh, that is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any, like, powder? Powder, yeah, yeah, I have powder. Good, good, okay. Sprinkle some of that on your legs. It'll absorb some of the moisture, and then you can get your pants back on. Yeah, hold, yeah, hold on. They're not coming on, man. You see any, uh, oh, Vaseline? I, I see lotion. I have lotion. Will that work? Yeah, sure, throw some of that on there. Hold on. You okay? There's still, there's still not coming on, man, and the lotion and the powder have made a paste. What color is it? What difference does that make? Well, I'm just, if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants, and she won't know the difference. Joey, do you have a minute? Dude, what am I, uh, Rachel's here, so good luck, man, let me know how it works out. Joey, I have such a problem. Uh, well, your timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place right now. Ross, um, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kind of freaked out. All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off? No, let's just leave the lights on. Oh, my ball. I had a problem. I took the quiz, and it turns out I do put career before men. Get up. What? Near my seat. How is this your seat? Because I was sitting there. But then you left. Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom. You knew I was coming back. What's the big deal? Sit somewhere else. The big deal is I was sitting there last, so that's my seat. Well, actually, the last place you were sitting was in there, so... You guys, you know what? You know what? It doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vein in my head pops, so... All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing really quickly. It's not a big deal. Get up! All right, fine. You know what? We'll both sit in the chair. I am so comfortable. Me, too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. All right. Okay, look, we have 19 minutes, okay? Chandler, I want you to go and change, okay? And then when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair, okay? Okay. All right, fine. I'm going. When I get back, it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's sitting in a chair. You'll notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So, in the words of A.A. Milne, get out of my chair, dill hole. Okay. What are you doing? Well, you said I had to give you the chair. You didn't see anything about the cushions. The cushions are the essence of the chair! That's right! I'm taking the essence. He'll be back. There's nobody in the room. Where's my underwear? Come on, come on. What, you took his underwear? He took my essence. Okay, hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Because I'm not wearing any underwear now. Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? It's a rented tux, okay? I'm not going to go commando in another man's fatigues. Well, then it looks like somebody's going to have to give somebody back his cushions. Okay. You hide my clothes. I'm going to do the exact opposite to you. What, are you going to show me my clothes? Hey, opposite is opposite. He's got nothing! Okay, buddy boy, here it is. You hide my clothes. I'm wearing everything you own. Oh, my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear. Look at me. I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando. I'll tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. I'm going to stop you right there, Glenda. Does it look like this is my first time? Now, I want four twos, and I want them all on my back. Okay. Wait a minute. There's two sets of nozzles. Which one is it? Which, which, which, which one is it? Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in. Go away. I don't want to see anybody. I know. I went to the tanning place, and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in. Really? Did you count Mississippi? You're not tan? No. I just had to get a picture of this. I'll see you later. Pass the cheese, please. My God, you can't even look at me, can you? Nope. Hey, it's Phoebe. We can talk to Phoebe. No, I'm too depressed to talk. I'll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us. Hey, you guys, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing? No. All right, that's it, you guys. What happened out there? What? We took a walk. Nothing happened. I came back with nothing all over me. Come on. What happened, Joey? All right. No, Joey, we swore we'd never tell. They'll never understand. We have to say something. You have to get it out. It's eating me alive. Monica got stung by a jellyfish. All right, all right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk. We were two miles from the house. I was scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it. I was in too much pain. And I was tired from digging the huge hole. And then Joey remembered something. I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel. Wait a minute. I saw that on the Discovery Channel. Yeah, about jellyfish and how if you... Beat on yourself? You can't say that. You don't know. I was gonna pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried. But I couldn't bend that way. So... That's right. I stepped up. She's my friend and she needed help. If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you. Only I couldn't. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So I turned to Chandler. Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now. Do it. Do it now. Sometimes late at night, I can still hear the screaming. That's because sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. Every time I shoot. So you go ahead. I'll catch up. Okay. Okay. I'm telling you. When she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit the Frog and the six million dollar man. Monica had such a crush on him. She used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed. Oh, I used to do that too. Did you also have his album? It's Not Easy Being Green. Oh, so Phoebe runs weird, huh? Yeah. I, you know what? And I know she's going to want to run again. I just don't, I don't know how to get out of it. I mean, I live with her. Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth. You're right. I should just tell her the truth. Hey, hey, hey. Monica tripped me. I don't think I can ever run again, ever. Why? Why would you do that? I don't know. Rachel, I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles. Ankle. We'll see. It's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself. No, no, Phoebe. No, I was, no, you know what? I was, I was actually just checking to see if I could run and I can. Please, Rachel. I am not an idiot. No, wait, Phoebe. Hey, Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Sure. Okay, um, I, Phoebe, look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, okay? I handled the situation horribly and, and I should not have lied to you. So what should you have done? Well, I, I should have told you the truth. Uh-huh, which is? Well, you know, the reason that I didn't want to go running with you is because, um, well, you know, the way that you run is just a little... So? Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy. Why do you care? Because they're people. But people that you don't know and will never see again. Yes, but still, they are people with eyes. I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss... But, oh, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay, you're uptight. What? I, I am not uptight. I am not uptight, man. That's okay, Rachel, I'm not judging you. That's just who you are. Me, I'm more free, you know? I run like I did when I was a kid because that's the only way it's fun, you know? I mean, didn't you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? You know, like when you were, like, running toward the swings or running away from Satan? The neighbor's dog. You were right, this feels great. See? And you don't care if people are staring. It's just for a second because then you're gone. Yeah, I mean, it's amazing. I feel so free and so graceful. Hey, look out for the horse. We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at the plaza. Oh, okay. But I, I can't stay too long. I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. What? So when you said get up early, did you mean 1986? You guys don't think I look 19? Oh, 19! We thought you said 90. Okay, everybody, let's go, let's go! Okay! Sup? Sup, dude? Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me. So you play a little PlayStation, huh? That's whack. PlayStation is whack. Sup with the whack PlayStation sup? I'm 19 or what? Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19. Come on, man, really? How old? Young. You're a man-child, okay? Now go get changed because everybody's ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear. Oh, thanks. Now I could pass for 19, right? Yes, you can pass for 19. Really? Yes. Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31. I'm 30. Joey, you are not, you're 31. Oh, crap! Here you go, kids. And then the peacock bit me. Please kiss me at midnight. You seen Sandy? Who? Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Oh, look at that, I did know how to tell you. Everybody, the ball is dropping. What? The ball is dropping. In 20 seconds, it'll be midnight. And the moment of joy is upon us. Looks like that nose date pack thing worked out. Everybody looks so happy. I hate that. Not everybody's happy. Hey, Bobby. You know, I just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. Oh, I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. I can't kiss anyone. So I'm kissing everyone? No, no, no. You can't kiss Ross, that's your brother. Oh, yeah. Well, perfect, perfect. So now everybody's gonna kiss but me. All right, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me, somebody kiss me, it's midnight, it's one time! All right! Beans, you know what I'm thinking? Oh, okay. It's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it? No, although now that's what I'm thinking. All right, so what were you thinking? Well, I was thinking that you gave the guy such great haircuts, I thought maybe you'd like to do mine. Oh, no. Why not? Because I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak. You're not? I know I'm not, but you are. And I was trying to spare your feelings. You know, it's funny, last time Paula was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter. All right, okay. But, but, you have to promise that you will not be all, like, controlly and bossy and all, you know, Monica about it. I promise. All right, let's see. Now, some of you are going to get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you will feel a thing. All right, that's it, I quit. What? I didn't say anything. Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person, okay? This is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person. I'm sorry. Sorry, Phoebe, it's just, well, just a little shorter than what we had discussed. Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it. How, who wears it? Demi Moore. Demi Moore is not a he. Well, he was a he in Arthur and in Den. That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. Oh. Oh! Oh my god! Sorry, I'm sorry! Which one is Demi Moore? She's the actress! There was a disclosure, indecent proposal, ghost! Oh, oh, she's got gorgeous hair. How is she? It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign. How's the hair? I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Well, can we see it? Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in? Hi. So, which one of you lucky boys is Chandler? Uh, that's me. That's me. Joey Tribbiani, big fan. So, is that a bedroom? Yeah, yeah, right over there. All right, whenever you're ready. That was weird. What, why would she go in the bedroom? I'm waiting. So, she's a... Yep, that's one naked hooker. So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party? Yeah, hey, thanks for giving me that girl's number. No problem. Say, who's the party for? For my husband. You hired your husband a hooker? She's a stripper. No, she's a hooker. Is that what they call strippers sometimes? When they're hookers. Oh my god, Stu, I can't believe you did this. Are you absolutely sure she's a hooker? Either that or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had. Maybe, maybe you should just ask her to leave. Why me? Hey, it's your bachelor party. Which is why you should do it. I don't want to. You do it. All right, rock, paper, scissor who has to tell the whore to leave. What? I miss this. I don't think we've actually done this before. No, I miss hanging out with you. Well, we still hang out. Not like we used to. Remember, you and me used to be inseparable. Well, now it's like things are different. Well, you know, things are different. I'm married now. Yeah, sure. And hey, don't get me wrong. I'm so happy for you guys. But I just, I miss hanging out. Just, just us, you know. Yeah, I miss that too. Okay, I'll tell you what. For now, when we'll make time to hang out with each other. You got it. Come here. Oh, God. Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. She's a hooker. She's a... Hi, we spoke on the phone. What? Nothing, nothing. Just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Musburger. Check it out. Giants Cowboys. You're watching a football game at a funeral? No, it's the pregame. I'm gonna watch it at the reception. You are a frightening, frightening man. Hello, Shoes. Oh, I hope they're not ruined. What a great day. What, weather-wise? I know, yeah. The air, the trees. Even though Nana's gone, there's, there's something almost, uh... I don't know, almost like... I'm fine. No, I'm fine. Just, just having my worst fear realized, but... And done. Oh, my God. Hey, are you still looking for a job? Because you could tweeze circles around that sadistic bitch at the salon. Thanks. You want to see what it looks like? Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match. They look great. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little bit worried that I was, uh, uncovering a birthmark right about there, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate. Hey, Chandler, thank you so much. No problem. Listen, uh, that was a pretty girly hour we just spent. We should probably do something manly to make up for it. Yeah, curl my eyelash. Yeah. Here's your copy of the bill. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Oh, we did. And you still have all your lamps. Factor in the room tax. Oh, dude, don't worry about it. I found an unattended maid's card. We're way ahead of the game. Oh my god. What? There's, there's something new in the bowl. Look, we have enough. Just walk away. No, but I want, I want the pine cones. There's a forest right outside. It's not the scene. Okay, go quick. Thank you for a delightful stay. Candy! I just talked to one of the duel writers today. What is duel? Days of our lives. Anyway, you're not going to believe it. My character is coming out of his coma. And not only that, I'm getting a new brain. So great things are happening at work and in your personal life. Wait, what do you mean you're getting a new brain? Well, they're killing off one of the characters on the show. And when she dies, her brain is being transplanted into my body. What? A brain transplant? It's ridiculous. Oh, I think it's ridiculous that you haven't had sex in three and a half months. It's winter. There are fewer people on the street. What are they killing off? Uh, Cecilia Monroe. She plays Jessica Lockhart. No, she is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces. I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage. And the way she slaps people all the time. Wouldn't you love to do that just once? Don't do it. Man, she's been on the show forever. It's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes. Yeah, yeah, well, help me out here. When you, when you come out of the brain transplant, you are going to be her? Yes, but in Drake Ramore's body. Why is it so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist. Have you seen Monica? Uh, actually, I think she went to the salon. Oh, yeah. Oh, she went to the salon. All right. Check it out. Whose day just got better? Hey. What do you think? I think, I think I can see your scalp. Don't you just love it? Yeah, yeah, you got shellfish in your head. It's, uh, it's something. You go, girlfriend. You never said that in your life, have you? Not once. And listen to this. What do you know? It's a treat for the eyes and the ears. Oh, I can't wait for everyone at work to see these. Ow. You go back to work tomorrow night, right? Yeah. So if you want people to see them, then by definition, you're not having them taken out, say, at the break of dawn? Well, if I had them taken out, then I wouldn't be able to do this. You like that, right? What are you singing? It's Valero from Tin. It's Ride of the Valkyries from Apocalypse Now. See, here's the thing. The cornrows are really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, you don't have that problem anymore. So if you think about it, I hate them. What? You said you liked them. Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp. Fine, so you don't like them. Everybody else does. Again, let's journey back. As I recall, what Rachel said was she had never noticed the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realize it was anything different. You know what? I don't care. I like it like this, and I'm gonna keep it. You're just jealous because your hair can't do this. Get yourself in the tooth? And the eye! Honey, you've been in there for a long time. Is everything okay? Not really. I have a problem. What happened? Well, I was dancing around and singing No Woman, No Cry. And I got stuck. You can't move at all? Oh, I can move. If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the cornrows? I guess so. Some of these look a little frayed. Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free. You've got to pick a pocket or two, boys. You've got to pick a pocket or two. Just lovely. Really? Thanks. Listen, Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday. Excellent. I'll be there. Okay. And listen, don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition. My agent said that it wasn't a dancing part. Oh, Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me, with your dance background, it'll be a piece of cake. Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp. Five years with the American Ballet Theater. Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay? I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either. Can you, like, dance at all? Yeah, I can dance, you know. Oh, no, no, no. What is that? Sure looks stupid now. There's no music playing. Uh, Joey? Joey Tribbiani? Listen, Joey, I got a problem. I just got a call from my dance captain. He's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island. So does that mean the audition's off? Listen, Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dances and teach him the combination. What? Oh, Joey, come on, it's easy. You know, it's hand, hand, head, head, up, pas de bourree, pas de bourree, big turn here, rond de jambe, sasson, sasson, slide, back, step, step, and jazz hands. It's, uh, steppity step and jazz hands. Have fun. Bye. All right, let's do it. What was that? I don't know, it's the best I could get out of it. Well, people. People, people, people. Let's try it again. And this time, let's everybody watch Joey. Show him how it's done. Count it off, Black. Didn't you say that there was, um, an elevator in here? Uh, yes, I did, but there isn't. Okay, here we go. Okay, go left, left, left. You know what? There's no more left, left. Okay, you know, uh, lift it straight up over your head. Straight up over your head. You can do it. Okay. You got it? Yeah. Good, good, good, good. Yeah, you got it, right? You got it, right? You got it. Any chance you think the couch looks good there? Hey, Joe. What's up? Bad news. I watched the tape and passed along to my bosses and they weren't interested. Oh. Sorry, man. But, uh, you watched the tape? Yeah, I, I, I liked it. But, uh, my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches. You didn't watch the tape. What? Of course I did. Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me. I'm not lying to you. I watched it. Oh, you lied again. I watched it. Keep going, Pinocchio. I did. No, you didn't. I'm telling you, I watched the tape. Did you watch the tape? No. I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar. But you are a liar. What did I just say? You still here? Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something. Okay, hold on. Let me just stop you right there, okay? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, okay? Then, you lied about lying about lying, okay? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about lying... Stop lying. Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape? You want to know why? Oh, this is going well. Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, okay? If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. All right. Now, remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in Japan. And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape. He really is a chameleon.