Stop Calling It Safety The Real Reason People Stay Silent

Most workplace accidents don't happen because people don't know the rules. They happen because someone saw something and didn't say something. Someone felt something and ignored it. Someone knew something and stayed quiet. The real danger isn't always the fire, the machine, the process, or the hazard. Sometimes the real danger is silence. Today we're talking about what happens when people are afraid to speak up. Why courage is a leadership issue. And how one woman's story transformed tragedy into a mission to build cultures where people feel safe enough to use their voice. This is Edna White, and this is Keeping It Real On Purpose. Today we're talking with none other than Kelly Woodhouse, creator of S-C-A-R-S, SCARS framework, and a woman who understands that safety comes from lived experience and not theory. Before we talk about leadership, culture, and safety, I want to start somewhere different. I want to start at Kelly's story, okay? Kelly, before you became a speaker, before you created SCARS, before the organization, and before all the leadership that you do, where were you surviving? What were you surviving? And what were you doing? Tell us your story. Yeah, you know, and I want to thank you for having me on your show, because it's a very near and dear topic to me. And we lived on a farm, and I was two years old. My cousins, Michael and Rod, were nine and 11. And my mom was 21 years old, pregnant with my sister. Okay. And so we lived on a farm at the time. And my papa, my grandpa, had asked my cousins, Michael and Rod, to go and burn the shingles from the old barn roof. Right. And so, of course, they wanted to go outside. And you all know what young boys are like. Yes, play around. Yeah, fire is fascinating for them. And, you know, they're not thinking about safety. They're thinking about how much fun they get to do, you know, playing with fire. So my mom had a decision to make. My mom wanted, was thinking about, should I keep Kelly inside to change her diaper? Right. Or should I just let her go outside to play with her cousins? And I'll be right outside. I just got to clean up the supper dishes. Right. And this is back in 1968. Okay. So, sure enough, she let me go outside. And I don't know how long after, but mom told me the story that all of a sudden she heard yelling and screaming. And she opened up the window to see me engulfed in flames. Wow. So I had walked by the burning barrel. And from what I learned, I was wearing a rayon dress. And so a spark came out, landed on my dress, and I exploded into flames. And so our neighbor drove down the driveway at that time. And he saw what was happening. They grabbed the bucket of water. They poured it on me. They, you know, put out the flames. And then I was rushed to the hospital. And I spent four months in the hospital. Every two days, I would have to go for surgeries. I was burned to 75% of my body. So my whole chest is burnt, my back, my arms, my face. I've got a bald spot and a little bit on my legs. Yeah. And so every two years, I would have to go back to the hospital for more surgeries. And back in those days, they didn't do day surgeries. So I had to spend like a whole month of my summer holidays in the hospital. Because they needed me to grow taller so that then they'd have more skin to work with. So that's the story of my accident. Wow. What do people assume about your life because of what happened? A lot of people assume... And by the way, that is a great question. Nobody has ever asked me that question. I love it. I think a lot of people assume that I might still be in pain. So I think that's a common question I get. Or it's like, are you still in pain? Are you still feeling it? And no, I'm not in pain. But I do feel tightness. And I thought that as I got older, my scars would loosen up. But that's not true. They actually get tighter. Yeah. So what I'm finding is that I'm walking hunched over a little bit more. Because some of the contractions I have on my chest and my back are pulling me down. Right. So I'm actually thinking about going back for some more surgery. Right. Oh, that's tough. I know you were young when this happened, right? And it must have had some, you know, not just physical injuries, but an emotional impact on you. And I know you were young. It probably even didn't even dawn on you. But did you have any emotional impact? You know, things like that going on? Yeah, absolutely. You know, as a young child, because I got burnt at two, I really don't know my life without my scars. Right. Okay. So I don't know myself any different. Whereas sometimes people get burnt as an adult or an older child. Well, they have those memories. Whereas I don't. I actually only have like 10 pictures of me without scars. So the rest of my whole life, you know, I have scars on my body. So growing up as a child and going through school, yes, I was rejected. I was teased. I was bullied. I was shunned. You know, people didn't want to play with me. They were scared of me. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was like 18. Because of course, I was the ugly Scarface girl. So I remember going past my teacher's desk. I was in grade five at the time. And someone had drawn a picture. And I know it was of me. Because I was the only Scarface girl there. And it was a circle with eyes, nose and mouth on it. And it had scribbles on it. And it said Scarface at the top. Wow. And I walked past my teacher's desk and I saw that. So obviously, she'd already dealt with it. Because otherwise, it wouldn't have been on her desk. And I was devastated. Because that meant that the kids really were calling me the Scarface girl. I was like more than 50% deaf. And so I didn't hear a lot of the teasing and bullying. But what I did hear, of course, was devastating. And the reason that I was so devastated about it is because I felt like as a young girl, if someone has glasses, they can just go get contacts. And then they're no longer called polarized. Right. Someone who's overweight just has to go on a diet and lose the weight. And now they're not fat anymore. And they don't get called fatty, fatty two by four. Right. But with me, my scars weren't going away. Every two years, I'd go to the hospital. And so I remember being, I think I was about 17 or 18 at the time. And my mom would take me to the doctor, my plastic surgeon, every two years. And so this time we go. And my doctor would make me take off my clothes because they wanted to see, you know, how my body was adjusting to my scarring and all that. And he said to me, we're done. And I was like, no, you're not done. I still have scars on my face. Yeah, yeah. I still haven't had my first kiss. I still haven't, like, the boys don't like me. I'm never going to get married. I'm going to be the ugly girl forever. And so I was devastated. And, you know, I'm trying to choke back the tears because I don't want my mom to see me crying because my mom felt so much guilt over me getting burnt because she felt it was her fault. Because she should have kept me inside to change my diaper instead of letting me to go outside. And then I never would have got burnt. But I always felt like I was destined to get burnt. I always felt that there was some reason. Like, why did I get burnt at two years old? And why did I live through that? Right. And so that was the conversation I used to have with myself all the time is like, what am I going to do? And, you know? Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah. That's good because, you know, I want to pause right there because this moment is showing me, like, a lot of vulnerability. And, oh my gosh, like, you are the epitome. You couldn't change anything. Like you said, you just had to go out there. And you had immense vulnerability. You were exposed. Like, you were exposed and you couldn't cover anything up. It was just, you couldn't. And that's how I see vulnerability. You know, sometimes, you know, like you said, if you're heavy, you know, even that, you have to go out anyway, you know? You could probably cover that. But you were exposed and vulnerabilities like that. You have to just go with what's happening and be there and be present. And you're the epitome of that. And going through every stage of your life like that was definitely some resilience. Definitely. You know, I know you learned some lessons throughout the time, but it was definitely resilience in such a magnificent way and special way. Yeah. And, you know, and I'm sure that you can relate because I know, you know, women of color, like, you go through the racism, the bullying, the teasing and all that. And same thing as you. I mean, you can't change who you are. No, uh-uh. You can't change it. And you probably don't want to change who you are, right? And so, it's like, how do we live with that? And how do we get through these challenges? And one of the things that I learned is that I have to stop comparing myself to other people. Right. Yeah. I don't know if you've experienced this, Edna, but have you ever gone into, like, a ballroom full of people and you say to yourself, oh my gosh, like, I'm not as good as her, or I'm not as pretty as her, or I'm probably not as successful as that person, right? And we walk into that room and immediately when we start judging ourselves like that, we are our biggest enemy. Absolutely. Right? Like, we don't know what people are thinking. Like, people might be thinking, oh my gosh, Edna, she is so gorgeous. I love her glasses, you know? But a lot of times, like, when I was a kid, if anybody stared at me, I immediately thought, oh my gosh, they think I'm ugly. They're looking at the scars, yeah. Yeah, and they're seeing the scars and they're seeing how ugly I am. Yeah. And that brings me to a story. I think I was about 19 at the time, and so me and one of my friends from high school, we went to our bar, that we had a local bar, and it was late at night, and I asked him to walk me back to my car, and he said, sure. So we're walking, and we see this guy coming towards us, and he's staring at me, and I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because I was tired of being stared at. So I said to him, I said, you know, I'm so tired of being stared at. And he goes, Kel, he's staring at you because you're so darn cute. Right? But my thoughts were, he's staring at me because I'm ugly, and I don't like my scars, right? And he's trying to tell me, no, Kel, he's staring at you because you're so darn cute. Yes. Yeah. And so... That's great. That's so great, how that changed the dynamic of... Just saying that changed the narrative for you and everything. And you're right. When I go into a room and it's all of one color, immediately everybody just turns to me. So I used to think, oh gosh, they're staring at me because I'm a Black woman walking in the room. And somebody told me, he's like, you just walked up and said, you're so beautiful. I'm like, oh. Oh, is that what they're staring at? And I was like, oh, they must have created a monster now because I walk into the room and I'm like shining, you know? You know, just something like that changed the narrative, just changes the narrative for you. And like I said, your strength, your resilience just keeps shining and shining. So God gives us things that we can... Either we go backwards or we go forwards. And you had no choice in the matter to go forward. And that's the great thing about what you do and about your voice. You know, yes, we can get kind of mixed up and muddled up. You know, I know people who are listening now. Yes, you may not have went through a fire, but maybe you experienced divorce. Or maybe you were given a diagnosis that changed everything. Or maybe somebody betrayed you or a loss. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. What do you think that people misunderstand about that type of resilience that you show every day? You know, I love that you mentioned that because we don't know what's going on in someone's life. Yeah. Right? You know, we have no idea. And I mean, even for example, a couple weeks ago, me and my boyfriend came home from a cruise and I'm at customs and I'm trying to deal with our passports and a guy came up to me and I was a little bit short with him. And then another guy, he told me how rude I was. And I'm like, what are you talking about? So anyways, like, I'm just trying to deal with passports and boyfriends and other guy that wants to help me, but I don't need his help. And so I actually went up to the guy and I said, you know what, like, there's something you don't know. I just got told before I got on the plane that my roommate or my uncle is dying of cancer and I can't do anything but get home fast enough. So yeah, I'm a little bit short right now. And I'm also deaf. So I didn't hear what everybody's saying to me. All these three men are just like. Yeah, right. They're all there, just there. Yeah, they're just there. And it's just like, I just want to get home. I just want to get through customs and and deal with, you know, my uncle having cancer and all that, right? And so sometimes I think we just have to stop worrying or trying to guess what everybody's thinking about. And when we stop worrying or thinking about what people are thinking about, I know that sounds like kind of like crazy, but no, that's good. Then we stop the drama in our head. And that was that's another tip that I share with people is stop the drama. Because we put all the drama in our head. And so sometimes, you know, when and even when that guy did that to me, like for a couple hours, all I could think about is what he said to me. And I'm just like, oh, yeah, right. It's in your head, right? And I'm like, stop the drama. You know better than that. Yes, exactly. You have to talk to yourself. I had to shift my mindset to something that makes me extremely happy. And so that is one of my tools that I use for resilience is like, stop thinking about that. We know that's not going to get me anywhere. I can't change anything. But now let's think about this thing that made me very happy. I mean, I won, I won a medal at the cruise that I was at, right? Oh, look at that. Yeah, so super cool. And I was so excited. So I was like, you know, I shifted my mind. That's it. That's not all that I won. Yes, yes, I'll never see again. That's beautiful. I love that. Just love that. Let's talk about courage, because you were that many people think courage means not being afraid. What have you learned about courage through your own recovery journey? Oh, wow. That's a that's a great question. You asked them the most thought provoking questions. And you're right, like there's so much more to courage than just being brave. And that's a hard question to answer. Because what is courage? And to me, courage is about saying to yourself, I want to do this. And I'm going to do it regardless of whether I've got scars on my face, or whether I'm good enough or not, but I'm gonna just do it. And it brings me to the story of when I wanted to do a documentary about my life story. And there was a whole bunch of courage involved in that because it meant putting myself out there in ways that I didn't know if I wanted to do or not. My production team, they were with me for six weeks, solid, every day filming things that were going on in my life. And so it took a lot of courage to like to really be open. And, and then watching it, because I didn't really like I, I was told how I got burnt. But I didn't remember it. And they even recreated my accident of me getting burnt as a two year old. And so they even had like a little two year old girl. And like, they recreated my accident, right to a tee. And so it really brought me back to, oh my gosh, this is what I went through when I was two years old. And, but yeah, it takes courage to just put yourself out there, and to do it regardless of what other people are going to say or think or do. When did you realize your story had power to help others? Was it at that point when you were making the documentary? Or was it before that? No, it was before that. It was about 16 years ago. Um, it was about 16 years ago when I met a lady named Charmaine Hammond. And Charmaine, and this is before I was a speaker. And Charmaine said to me, Kel, you need to be a speaker. People will be inspired by your story. And I was like, are you kidding me? Like, no way. Like, at that time in my life, I was in a toxic marriage. I, um, we were almost bankrupt. I was contemplating leaving my husband. But I had just received an email from my mom saying, do not leave him. You're finally getting on your feet financially. You only have 10 more years to go. And I'm like, what do you mean? I've got to wait another 10 years to be happy. And she meant, because then the boys, because I have a daughter and then my twin boys, they would have been 18 by then. So she felt I should wait till that they were adults. And I was like, no way. Anyways, Charmaine found a way for her and I to get on a stage together. And that was the start of my career. But another time where I really felt I finally made a difference was because Goldcast did a video about my life story. And they even took parts of my documentary and they put that into the video. And we got, me and my daughter were watching the numbers. And we hit a million views in six hours. And then we got up to just over 10 million views. And I was like, oh my gosh, and I'm reading the comments. And like, it was like, there was not a single negative comment. Wow. And it was like, oh my gosh, I guess I really am making a difference. Yeah, absolutely. And that was when it really hit me when I'm now I'm able to say that I've impacted over 10 million people. And I have the proof of it, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So how did the SCARS framework come to life? Yeah, well, and I wrote the book on it, too. Yeah, okay, I see that, yes. You know, it was interesting because I was talking to a speaker agent and her name is Krista Haberstock from C agency. So it's F-E-E agency. Okay. And she came to my house and she said, Carol, what's your obvious advantage? And I'm like, my SCARS. And she's like, yes, if you didn't have your SCARS, you wouldn't have the same story. And your SCARS is the one thing that makes you stand out above everybody else. Above all the other speakers, you have the SCARS. And so then I thought, you know what? Like, people are always making up acronyms. Like, why couldn't SCARS be an acronym? And that was when I said, oh, okay, how about self-worth, courage, acceptance, resilience, and strength. And that's when I realized that a lot of people see their SCARS as a tragedy, as something that's holding them back, as something that makes them not good enough, as something that makes them not, or unlovable, or unwanted, or unneeded. And so I said, how can we take this and make it so that people understand that your SCARS are actually your gift? And when you've been through your SCARS, you can see them as something that holds you back in life, or you can see them as something that's meant to help you in your life. And like, I know lots of burn survivors who see themselves as the victim. And then I know lots of burn survivors that have said, yeah, this happened to me. And here's what I'm doing about it. Right, yeah. Right? And I think that's a good way of seeing things, is that our SCARS are here to teach us something. That's good. The audience, I hope you're putting your listening ears on. Kelly, go through the framework again. S is for? For self-worth. C is for? Courage. A is for? Acceptance. R is for? Resilience. And S is for? Strength. Awesome. Guys, I hope you listened to this conversation. Get your pens and papers. I hope you got that down. If you did not get it down, look under this video. You will find the link to her book. So don't forget, it's not about the workplace. It's about emotional safety. This is what she's talking about. She's talking about relationship safety. She's talking about you having your voice and having leadership. Listen, don't say stay silent. Get just like Kelly. Get a big mouth, okay? Get a big mouth and tell the stories. Tell the story, you know? Because people stay quiet. And you even gave a little story about your marriage. You got out of it. I did. You got story upon story upon story. This is great. So don't stay silent, you know? Keep your voice going and moving. Kelly, what role does self-worth play in helping people speak up when something doesn't feel right? Oh my gosh, you know, like that's another great question. So, you know, I'm gonna need to get your list of questions, girl, because you have the best questions. So that brings me to another story. And I'll never forget this. This was about 14 years ago. And my husband had decided to start the divorce proceedings, which meant that I no longer got to see my kids every day. I had to see them, you know, one week on, one week off. I got in a car accident. My friend committed suicide. I had absolutely no money. And I was now in my new place. So I had like, I had lots of expenses then. And I was like, what am I going to do? And I remember sitting at the end of my bed with my iPad, Googling how to end my life. And I said to myself, I have three conditions. One, my kids cannot be the ones to find me. Two, it had to be painless. And three, it had to be final. Because I know I've burned survivors who have set themselves on fire, and they lived through it. And I was like, nope, if I'm going to end my life, it's going to have to be over. And so I started thinking, and I was like, what would my family say? So my kids, if I would have ended my life, my kids would have blamed themselves. They would have said, if we were better kids, mom would be alive. My mom, she would have said, if only I had changed Kelly's diaper when she was two, she would have had a better life. My sister and brother-in-law, who are multimillionaires, they would have said, if Kelly needed money, why didn't she come to us? We would have given her all the money she needed. My ex-husband would have said, if only I didn't pick that fight with Kelly yesterday. Maybe she'd still be alive. And everybody would have blamed themselves for me ending my life. And I thought, this can't happen. I can't do this to my family. It's not their fault. It's my fault. It's what I've done in my life. And so I said to myself, I've got to find a way. And so to make a long story short, what happened was I ended up finding a lady who reached out and said, Kelly, I want to coach you. And she said, I've got to get you through this bunk. Like, there's a reason God has put me in with you. And there's a reason. And she said, I'm going to coach you. So she started coaching me. And we had calls like every day for like three months. And so one day, we're almost finished with our coaching. And she said, you know, Kelly, why don't you value yourself? And my ego piped up, right? Sometimes I have an ego. My ego says, what do you mean? I value myself. I go and I speak to the kids in schools and share about being bullied and teased. And I speak to women about loving themselves and self-worth and all that. I value myself. I don't think you value yourself because you're not making the money you want to make. Oh, my God, that hit me right to my core because I had set a goal three years in a row to make a six-figure income. And I haven't met my goal yet. And she said, Kel, don't call me back until you know what value is. And I'm like, well, what the heck is value? If value is not money, what is it? And so I started to write down all these things I had done. I had reconnected my friend with his family. They thought he was dead. They had no idea that he was an alcoholic. I reconnected them after 25 years. I coached one of my friends to write a book and become best-selling author. And then he started coaching people how to do it. And now all these people were getting their books out there. And then I thought about how I had gone to Africa. And I'd been there twice. And I had been speaking to the burn survivors there. And I spoke to these 150 teenage girls. And they had my very first book, No Ricks, No Rewards. And they were learning about self-esteem and everything. And I was like, my family hasn't done that. And so the next day, I'm reading it. And I wrote it in third person. And I'm reading it. And I'm going, who is this trick? I've got to know her. She's amazing. And that trick was me. And so I submitted my homework to my coach because she always wanted me to submit the homework. And she said, I think you finally get it. Your value is not in how much money you make or don't make. Your value is in your acts of service. It's in the things you do to help other people. That's it. It's the energy. It is. You know, we think that all the time. But most of the time we're provided for, we don't even realize it. The other day, I was saying affirmation, right? And I was saying affirmation about money and abundance. And so I realized when I went out and I was getting some food that the person gave me more food. I said, this is a lot of food. And right away, my spirit said, abundance. Abundance. And maybe somebody opened the door for you. You don't even feel like it or you don't have the strength to do something. Those are all abundance moves. Magic. The magic of it. You know, when I went to the city with my grandkids, I brought my grandkids with me. We ate great. I was like, how are we eating great like this? Abundance. We're eating like, and they were full. They didn't give me no problems. I was like, whoa, abundance. You know, the magic was all around. And that's what that is. We don't realize it because we want to equate it to, like you said, money. You know, like that paper and that coin, you know. But it's the abundance. It's the blessings. It's the magic. All of that. And we take it for granted. We really do. We do. And I think what we forget is we forget to celebrate the little things. There you go. That's it. Like you say, like having the food, the abundance. Like I've been to Africa a couple of times and, you know, I've seen people have no food. And it's like, I come back from Africa and I was like, there is nothing wrong with my life. I have a little closet in my kitchen that is full of food. Nothing. I have a fridge full of food. I can go to a store and I can buy whatever I want to eat. And these people in Africa are hand to mouth. They eat a piece of food and it just goes right in their mouth. They don't have a fridge or a pantry full of food. And like, who am I to say that my life is so bad? Like I can go in the pantry and I can open up anything. But the thing is, we think, oh, I don't want, I don't feel like eating that. There's nothing to eat. And it's like, are you kidding me? There's a whole fridge and a pantry full of food. We forget the magic. We forget the magic is going on. We do. So what did your experience ultimately mean to you? After all of this, what does it ultimately mean to you? It means that I have a purpose. There was a reason I got burned. And there was a reason I didn't die. Right. It was 1968. I got burned to 75% of my body. I was not expected to live. And yet somehow I did. And so, you know, I remember my son saying to me, he said, you know, mom, like he had been violated by a girl. And there was a whole big situation about that. And he was pretty depressed and, you know, wanted to end his life. And so one day he's laying on his bed and he's like, mom, I didn't deserve this. Why did it happen to me? And I said, Cody, did I deserve to get burned as a two year old? He's like, no. I said, and what am I doing about it? He goes, you're helping people. And I said, you know what? I think this happened to you because some day some young boy is going to say this happened to me. I don't know what to do about it. And you're going to be that kid to help them. Yeah. You're going to be that person that's going to say, this is what I did. This is how I stopped the suicidal thought. This is how I overcame it. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, they'll look up, Cody. They'll look them up. That's him. You know, and it's so, so the truth. Audience, this is such truth that I can't even, you're talking my language. I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor. So, you know, when I wrote my story, I was like, who's going to listen to this? I'm just putting it out there. And lo and behold, tens of thousands of people like you happen were reading the story and, you know, people were emailing me. This is, this is great. Thank you so much. You know, I didn't know what to do and I'm like, wow, but it's all about what do we do with the purpose? You know, we, we get the, the, the mission, you know, and the mission comes in the form of, you know, sometimes tragedy, sometimes difficulty, sometimes struggle and it comes, but what do we do after? Do we fall into it or do we give it out, learn the lessons and give it out? Right. I love that. I love that you shared your story because you probably helped thousands and thousands of people. And if you hadn't shared your story, you wouldn't have been able to help those people. Absolutely. I think of that every day, every day to share this story, because when you share the story, you're helping people. That's right. I love it. So audience, you know what time it is right now? It is the flash round. Okay. So the flash round is we ask our guest questions and they got to give us a flash answer. There's about five of them and you answer them and give you, give the best information to the audience. So are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. What's one belief you had to let go of? That I wasn't good enough. What lesson pain taught you? That it can be for our benefit. What does courage mean today? Courage means just putting yourself out there, regardless of what anybody else is going to think or say about you. Good. What do you hope people remember after hearing your story? That dreams are meant to be found, not tucked away in dreamland. And last question, what does living on purpose mean to you? You know, living on purpose means that you are doing something that gets you so happy that you just can't wait to get up in the morning and do it. That's beautiful. So you've heard the story, story audience. Now let's talk. Let's not just talk about it. Let's do something about it. Remember to look under the video in the description. You'll find Kelly's book, look under the video. Okay. Today wasn't just about workplace or home life, or it wasn't about all that. It was about the cost of silence. The pattern we've uncovered today is this. Many people wait to have permission before they use their voice, but not Kelly. Not Kelly. They often wait until the danger is obvious, but not Kelly. They wait until the relationship is broken, but not Kelly. They wait until the business is failing, but not Kelly. They wait until the damage has already been done, but not Kelly. Courage is speaking up, even when it's not safe. Courage is speaking up before anything ever is. Whether you're in your workplace, in a relationship, in your business, or on your own healing journey, the question isn't whether you see the problem. The question is where you're willing to acknowledge it. So before you leave this episode, ask yourself, what did I hear? What did Kelly say? What pattern did I recognize? And what will I do with it next? Because awareness without action changes nothing. If today's conversation helped you, please like and share with somebody that you love. This is Edna White and my esteemed guest, Kelly Woodhouse. And we're saying goodbye for now. Thank you.