8 Magical Phrases That Make Men Commit

If you're like many of our clients, you probably feel like sometimes you just don't know what to say to guys. It's just kind of like, what words do I need to say in this exact moment? And your heart might be in the right place. You might be feeling all the feelings, but you don't know how to actually express that in the moment. Because for many of us, when we're with someone that we are really attracted to, our brain kind of goes to mush. So in today's, and I certainly, my brain does as well, even still to this day with my wife, Jessica. So in today's podcast, we are going to be discussing a few magical phrases that make men commit. Gary, this is going to be a good one. Magical phrases. That's the title we're going with today. Magic. Because I think sometimes, and I actually got this idea because a client once said to me Dr. Gary, like the words you tell us to use just feel magical sometimes. And I'm like, no. Okay. Thank you. I'll take it. But yes. Okay. Thank you. But you know, just looking back in your career, when you're getting your PhD and you're doing all this stuff, do you ever think you would be teaching magical phrases to women? I don't know magical phrases, but I will tell you, I get more positive feedback from such things than I ever did for a publication in a research journal. So I'll take it. They never said, Oh, Gary, these statistics are magic. No one ever said, you know, this publication in this very prestigious journal is magical. No one ever said that. So take it for what it's for, for what it's worth. But I think it does go with, like, and I think people have this kind of reaction to things, because if you're not used to, or accustomed to using these kinds of words and phrases and having these conversations, it feels like this black box where I know there's something I could be saying better here, but I don't know what it is. And let's be honest, like so much of relationships is about communication. I also think, and you'll hear us today, as we share some of these phrases, it's not always about what you say, but it's also a lot about how you say it. And that's true. And that's sometimes where the magic of all this lies is there is a way to say these things that really comes across. So today we're going to discuss a bunch of the stuff, phrases that you've never been taught in relationships, because I think, frankly, most people don't understand relationship communication well enough to break it down into simple phrases, but it's one of those key skills because how we convey ourselves in relationships and the emotions is huge. And so we're going to talk about a couple of things like, what's it, what are you going to say? We're not ready to say, I love you. How do you use phrases to diffuse conflict and what to say when you're stuck and what to not to say when you're feeling stressed, like how to avoid some, some major potholes. So. Right. And notice that all of these moments in relationships are just, they're exacerbated by the emotion of the moment. So it can be really hard to find kind of the logical words to say in those moments. And I've certainly had that. And I remember back when I was first learning my, on my journey to improving my love life back 20 years ago, when I was really struggling in my love life, which is what's led us here today, love strategies. I remember I, I didn't know what to say to women at all. And so I really had to learn as much as I can. I wanted to get into the depths of psychology and attraction and what really connects with the woman, but I also did need to learn some specific words. And what was interesting is like, I, my, my journey was starting with just learning some words. I read a lot of different books. Most were bad. Some were kind of good. Some were nuggets. And then trying it myself, like in a few different scenarios and contexts, but then very quickly just finding my own language. Right. Like I, I went so far as like kind of printing them out. I'm like, I'm trying to memorize. I like really want to get this right. I'm nerd. Yeah. I'm such a nerd, but I like really wanted to print it out and like learn it and like memorize it. And then I quickly found out like, none of this is, is, is me at my core, but it gave me a basis for understanding the concepts behind them about really how to connect with, with women as best I can. I think this will do the same for all of you today. I like earlier that you kind of picked on the word magic because I do feel weird about calling it magic, but I think it's, if you've ever seen the best couples in your orbit, in your world, they sometimes feel like they speak a different language. Like they just have a certain way of talking to each other. Sometimes it's expressions, but it's just, there's a certain way that they communicate. That does feel kind of magic. Now we're not saying that there are like actual magic spells that you can put on a guy like hocus pocus. Why don't you focus on me and not on your phone? Like that would be amazing. We should get our R and D department on that Adam, by the way, we should come up with some, some magic phrases to just fix men like that. Gary, you are the R and D department. I'll get on that. I'll talk to HR about it, about getting you to do more hocus pocus. But I do think, you know, if there's quote unquote magic, there are simple phrases that say a lot. And I think it's just, I think so many, one of the mistakes people make about relationships is we get overly enamored with big gestures and we lose sight of the fact that it's not, that's not what actually keeps relationships going. It's the micro moments. It's the little things. And these little phrases are some of those little things. And so I'm just going to give you a fair warning. Some of these magical phrases or these phrase, these connective phrases, they're going to sound like a little too much. They're going to sound a little unnecessary. They're going to sound like a little over the top, only if you're not used to using these types of things. Um, and I think if you start to hear this and you're like, Oh gosh, who would ever say that? It's a sign that they're unfamiliar and they're not currently in your toolbox. And I think it just means you need to use these types of things more and also a little bit of making them your own. So, you know, it's like Adam said, he did a bunch of studying and memorized a bunch of things, super nerdy, all that. But it's also one of the key things he said is you have to make all this stuff your own. So the words, the phrases, there's nothing magical about the exact words we use it, but you're going to see like there's a certain place emotionally that all of these are coming from. And it's a lot about clarity and it's a lot about authenticity. Definitely. So let's jump into the first one, which is dealing with that moment when a man tells you that he loves you and you're just not quite there yet or ready to say it in return. And this is actually a very common challenge that women have, especially when they're working the love steps, the little love steps, everything we teach where when you're working this process, men will lean in and they'll start investing. And statistically, according to research and a lot of the surveys they've done, now I'm putting on my nerd glasses, men tend to express their love first and fall in love faster than women do. And I remember recently we had a client who was dating a guy and, you know, she felt like she was on her way to saying I love you and wanting to say that to him and express that because he was clearly edging towards that as well. It's very clear he loved her, but she wanted to express that without just dropping the three letter bomb, which is I love you. And so a magical word or phrase that you can use is just I adore you. I cherish you. You know, these two words in many ways, I think, are more unique and impactful than just I love you. And it also just kind of removes the pressure from the moment of this big moment in time in a relationship when you say I love you. That's a big step in a relationship by saying I adore you, I cherish you. These are words that you can say that really have the same general impact without the weight of the full I love you. I don't know about you, but if my wife at some point today said, I adore you or I cherish you, I'd be like, what? Yes. Like, it's so much better in many ways than I love you. I'm texting Colleen. I'm going to do that. If later today you're doing the dishes and she just comes up to you, he's like, I adore you. What are you? Did you bug my office? But it's it's just and I think a client also said this recently, which is saying I love you can feel so standard. It's almost like perfunctory. It's we say I love you. Bye. Like she went to work this morning. Love you. Bye. Like, love it. Hey, love you. It's just it's reflexive and it's standard. And so a client was recognizing that she said, well, instead of saying I love you all the time, is there something else I can say to my guy that has a really big impact? And I was like, yeah, there is. And it's super simple. It's as simple as just saying thank you, because that's something everyone doesn't hear enough and we can always hear more of. And it's not something that, you know, like certainly right after your guy does something, you saying thank you again, that's good. But it also it feels just kind of like performative and reflexive. Like, of course, like we're just going to reflexively say thank you. Here's the thing to really make it magical. Say it randomly, completely out of context. Just, you know, you guys are sitting watching Netflix, you hit pause in between episodes and just kind of look over your partner for like, hey, thank you. They're gonna be like confused, befuddled. I'm like, for what? Just being you, just just being you, being the person you are. Thank you for this life we have together. Thank you for everything that you do for us and our family. I give myself goosebumps. Right. But it's like, oh, my gosh, because the fact of the matter is there's tons to be thankful for. There's tons we could give our partner credit for on a daily basis. And we just don't. But we should. Appreciation is absolutely an emotional attraction trigger. It creates such an incredible bond between two people. And I'll tell you this much. I growing up, you know, most people sat at the dinner table just talking about mundane things. And, you know, I don't know. I don't know what most families talked about. But in my family, my mother was a divorce attorney. So we talked about divorce all day long. That sounds magical, by the way. It was quite magical. Let me tell you. Mom, how was your day? She's like, oh, three new clients. And they're all just hating each other, just wanting to get as much as they can from each other. But at the core of it, so much of what I learned, I think it really did actually uniquely position me for this career. Interestingly, is it made me realize the importance of appreciation in relationships, because so much of these clients that my mom would work with were just lacking appreciation for each other. You know, just the small things, the little things, they only found the worst in each other. And if you can just take a moment in every day to just appreciate your partner or appreciate the person you're dating, makes a huge difference. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, a lot of those divorces are probably precipitated by a failure to have clear boundaries. And I think that's another big topic I see with our clients on a regular basis is just this idea. I think a lot of women grow up with this idea that it's not OK for women to have boundaries. And so there's a big concern about how do I set boundaries in a way that's warm, that's effective and doesn't. Because I think the worry that a lot of people have is that if I start creating, setting boundaries, it's going to create distance and it's going to drive men away. And so being able to have boundaries and deliver them with warmth and agreeableness and kindness is is tough. But so here here's a specific situation, because I think sometimes we talk about boundaries like, what do you mean by that? So this client, she was new with a guy on the new side, date three or four. And there was a little bit of distance between them, but it was like a distance where there was traffic and such. And so she was asking, how do I tell a guy that I don't want to drive all the way to where he lives or go to his house or have him at my house yet? She just wasn't ready for that stage of like going to the houses and didn't want to drive and all this kind of stuff. But he was being kind in a way and saying, hey, I want you to come over. I'll cook you dinner, all that good stuff. And so to me in this situation, the magic phrase, the magic way to put this in context is I suggest of her to just say, I'd be more comfortable if. And I think there's magic in this phrase, because we are all our clients. And those of you listening to this podcast, we're not just looking for any guy. We're not looking for short term feelings. We're looking for serious, long term, committed, fulfilling relationships. And so we want guys that are good at long term. And a long term relationship is all about being comfortable. So if you tell a guy, it I'd be more comfortable if the long term oriented guy should hear what makes you more comfortable. And now he's got a mission. His mission is to make you more comfortable. And so it's a really good way to test to see where he's at with things. Definitely, because a lot of women will say, I want to feel safe around a guy. And in many times, in many cases, they might be talking about physical safety, but there's also a huge component of emotional safety. And to me, the ultimate sign of masculinity is a man who wants to make a woman feel emotionally safe, right? He wants her to feel comfortable. He wouldn't do anything that he can control that's within his control to make her feel unsafe. Of course not. He wants to make her feel comfortable through the process. And so I think this is a magical term, just telling her what telling the guy what you feel most comfortable with at that stage in the process. And I would say just on this, when it comes to commitment, boundaries are a huge part of commitment. And as you're kind of getting into an early stage of a new relationship, it's super important to lay down kind of the ground rules of how we do things in this relationship early on. Because if you don't, you may end up in a relationship three, four or five years down the line where there's kind of no ground rules or boundaries as to how it is that you're communicating. So we have something really special for everyone listening to just the pod. It's a special seminar and it's at hecommits.com. And it's a special link that you can go to. It's going to talk all about commitment. It's from Dr. Gary and I. It's going to walk you through these five secret strategies that you can use to build a deeper committed relationship. I think it's going to really help you out a lot. I want to give you that resource. Again, that's hecommits.com. Go check out that seminar and Gary, let's continue on dude. Yeah. So what I like about this pod in particular, every single one of these came directly from a client in a way. It's something that they mentioned and we're addressing. And so this next one's about how to show care and support. And so client was talking about how her partner routinely brings something up that sounds important, but sort of brings it up. But then we'll say, well, nevermind. Nah, it's not a big deal. Whatever. She's like, well, how do I deal with that? Because he doesn't want to talk about it. We want to respect it, but at the same time, it also, it kind of seems like he doesn't want to tell me or doesn't think I can hear it. And so I suggested in this, in these moments, the magic kind of thing to do is to say something along the lines of if it's upsetting or matters to you, it's important to me. And so just to kind of show like whatever, whatever it is, and it's not like saying, no, no, please tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me it's not that it's, if it matters to you, it's important to me. And I think that sends the right message. And it's funny because when one client brought this up, another one immediately raises her hand and says, Oh my gosh, I have the same kind of thing with my guy. And what he does is he said, he'll bring up something emotional and say, you know, I'm really having a hard time at work, or I'm really not sure if, you know, my, if I'm making a difference or something like really big, like a big, big thing. But then he always dismisses it and says, but you don't really care about that. And it's like, I think it's important. And she was actually bringing the question to me because she found this very offensive. Right. That, you know, she's like, Oh, he just thinks I'm the one like, no, no, no, no, no. I don't, I don't think it's that at all. I don't think it's anything against you. It's actually really about him. This is showing that this is a guy who for probably much of his life has not been accustomed to getting the support he needed. So he's, he kind of, he's like walking out on the diving board and he needs support, he needs support, but then he gets scared and he runs back. And so he's trying not to be disappointed. And so what this really is, is a bid for connection. And so he wants to see if you're going to kind of pick up the other side, if he can pass the baton to you. So what I suggest in terms of a magic way to approach this is reach across to him, put both of your hands on his arm, look him in the eyes and say, I'm here for you. And I care, care about you. And I would love it if you shared it with me. And I think you, you combine those things. It shows he still may not, and that's fine, but it's like, and it might take a couple of times doing something like this, but you like, you make, you do the reach across and you touch because you want to show that like, this is poignant. Like there's something to this moment. And you say, I'm here for you. I care for you. I would love to hear this. And now he'll feel, Oh, she's not just saying that. She means it. And that's what we want. Definitely. I mean, we talked about safety again. Men don't have a need biologically for physical safety. At least most men don't in relationships, but we do have a need for emotional safety and everything you just discussed gives him that emotional safety as well. And that's what builds trust in a relationship. I mean, when I was working with men, they're surprisingly for me, cause that was never a huge issue for me in particular was trust with women. I just, I hadn't been burned the same level that many of my guy, my male clients were, but for so much of them, it was just about trust and being able to open up. Cause there's so many times in their lives when they finally kind of revealed something about themselves and really made themselves vulnerable and share something that might give the woman a little bit, but it's something that was important to him. And he just got rejected brutally. And they're like, never again, am I going to do that? So everything you just discussed, these magical phrases were so important because it allows the guy to finally just reveal his true self, which is what you really want, you know? And so, you know, which kind of, I don't know how to do a segue to the next one. So there's a hard segue, which is all about dealing with conflict. It's the moment in relationships where your partner wants to give you a little bit of feedback. Who loves feedback in relationships? No, I don't want to love feedback. No one ever. No, no one ever. When someone's like, Hey, we got to talk. And you're like, Nope. What'd I do now? If my brother was actually just telling me about his wife or anytime he says, Hey, we got to talk about something. She's like, No, I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk. It's just really funny because it's so true. In relationships, sometimes you just don't want that. And I understand, but it is a good moment in relationships as best as possible to avoid getting defensive. And as much as humanly possible with being thankful that someone was at least comfortable enough to mention it to you. And where's some maybe magical phrases that we can say that show that you at least care, that you care what they say. And it's just simply saying like, look, I'm really glad you spoke up. Thanks for saying something. Imagine that in relationships. Let's flip it for all of you women who are listening to this. Imagine you gave a guy some feedback in their relationship and he listened, even though you could tell he was a little bit defensive. The ego is kind of coming in and you can see by his body language that it's a little bit of a, you know, it's a tough pill to swallow, but he says, look, I'm really glad you spoke up. Thanks for saying something. Let me work on that. Right. It shows that he's taking ownership, right? It shows that he's willing to work with you, even if he's not fully bought into the feedback, but he's willing to listen and willing to work with it. And all we can do is try and model the behavior that we want to see from them as well. That's what I think is healthy. Uh, the, the ultimate guide to a healthy relationship. If you want that from guys, then we can do the same thing in return and just say, thanks for, thanks for saying something. I'm really glad that he did. Yeah. Give what you want to get. And I think taking ownership is huge because we are not 0% at fault. We're not a hundred percent at fault either. And I think sometimes because we're not a hundred percent where we're not willing to take any responsibility. And so I think the corollary magic to a lot of this is thanking your partner for their patience, their understanding, their willingness to bring it to you. And then if you didn't do something that was ideal, you just take ownership and say, I wasn't my best self in that moment. And you don't have to turn this into a big, huge apology. And in fact, in a previous pod, we talked a lot about something we call the gratitude shift, where instead of saying, I'm sorry, all the time, you basically give the other person credit and thank them, thank them for their patience or understanding their comfort with bringing this to you. And you don't have to apologize all the time. Just like, thank you. Because we do actually, as much as, you know, we all kind of jokingly said, we don't want feedback and we don't want it. We need it. This is, we're in this for the long haul. We're playing the long game in these relationships. And so any issue we don't actually resolve now doesn't just magically go away, sticks around, festers, and it comes back to get us later. And so when our partner has an issue, we want them to bring it up. So we keep small problems small and they'll do that. If we hear it openly, thank them for bringing it to us. Oh, good. Well, this is something we can work through this. I think a big part of working through these issues is when things are coming up and conflict is inevitable in any relationship, you approach it with fewer judgments, fewer assumptions, and just more curiosity. And so the magic way of conveying those ideas is, you know, cause a lot of times people are going to bring something, your partner's going to bring something and you don't fully get it, or you're feeling a little defensive and you kind of want to fight back instead of doing it. And I just gather more info. And so you say something magical, like I want to understand, and I don't want to make assumptions. So I'm asking you about it. I'm listening. I'm hearing this. And you just, you keep it open-ended. So you give them this time and the space to explain themselves. And that's important. Right. And look, sometimes in these situations, things get heated, right? Emotions flare up. You're human. So is he. It happens in relationships. The magical approach to those moments is just simply saying, I need an hour to think about this. I want to bring my best self to this conversation. Giving yourself the time to allow the emotions to subside, to go for a walk, to kind of what we call bookmark the conversation is incredibly healthy because you're not bailing on it. You're just giving both of you an opportunity to let the emotion subside a little bit, give yourself a chance to just calm down, focus on what matters and be much more objective in the conversation. Because I don't know if you all are like me, but if you've ever been in an argument with anyone, whether it's a romantic partner or platonic partner, sometimes things get heated and you'll say things and then you wake up the next morning and be like, I cannot believe I said that. Like, it's not even like I just let the emotions get the best of me in that moment. And it's called being human. And so what we need to do is have these hacks in place to allow us to really stop ourselves from being our worst selves. Right. And that is just time, right? So many people in relationships will say, always listen to your emotions, always listen to your heart. And there's plenty of love coaches, dating coaches, you name it, people out there that are saying that and hear love strategies. We say, yeah, you know, listen to your heart, but bring a lot of strategy with you. Bring a lot of strategy. You say a little bit of strategy, Gary. I say a lot of strategy. Bring a lot of strategy with you. And the strategy here is, yeah, your emotions might be telling you something, but they also might be not, they might be telling you the wrong thing. And you can only know that with time. Take a little bit of time, cool off, walk away, come back when you're ready. Yeah, I think your emotions and in many of these conflict situations just make everything seem a lot worse than it is. And so, you know, there's like that age old wisdom, never go to bed angry. No, go to, go to bed. Like sometimes like that's the thing that you actually really need is for both of you to just go to bed and say, we'll revisit this in the morning. And so, you know, whether it's an hour, a night, 10 minutes, you know, I know, I know I'll have conversations with my wife about things where I'll just kind of stop in the middle and be like, wait a second. You know, I'm really sorry in this moment, but I'm not feeling like we're hearing each other. Can we just take 10 minutes and come back to this? Okay. So you just kind of like both do your own thing for 10 minutes and you come back and it's amazing. You don't come back to the same spot. You come back as two totally different people. These are not the same two people that were just involved in this argument 10 minutes ago. It's like, okay, I can kind of see it from your perspective. Like you just, there's something really talk about magic. There's something magical about just taking that little break and bookmarking a conversation. And just to add, just to add to this one last piece, one thing that I see with our clients is that they're a lot like they're incredibly successful driven women and they like to get stuff done. And I get that I'm the same way. I don't like open-ended moments. I like to tick things off of my to-do list and I don't like unresolved conversations. And so doing this, that's the part that is the struggle in these moments. Is it, it is somewhat unresolved walking away for a little bit and it might be even 24 hours. It might even be a week before it's resolved. And that's okay. And that's like, that is a muscle that we need to train, especially if we're like high octane professionals that just get stuff done all day long. It's recognizing that patience in relationships is actually the key. It's not always instant resolve. It's not always just getting to the answer. We're going to immediately get on the same page and always want the same things. No, it just doesn't work that way. And that's okay. Right. I, I love that you brought up this idea of success and high octane, because I think that very much applies to this last piece, which I say for last, cause I think in many ways it's, it's the most important, which is, I think when we're successful, how do you get successful? You used to winning, used to coming out on top, usually have better ideas. Other people listen to you. You're usually right more often than you're wrong. That's how that's where success comes from. Now that's not the best approach in relationships because you and your partner are equals. And so the key with conflict, the magic is to make it collaborative. And so it's not you versus your partner, it's you and your partner versus the problem. And so the magic phrases around this idea are things like, Hey, I'm not sure how we fix this, but let's figure it out together. Whatever that problem is. I'm not sure how we're going to fix this, but let's fix it and figure it out together. Oh, that's way different than here's what you're doing wrong. And let me tell you totally different, right? Another, sometimes you are both going to see things very differently and that's clear. And so you just say, we can both do this differently. So this doesn't keep happening. How do we both approach this issue in a different way to avoid this outcome? Not, you know what you need to do? You need to fix X, Y, and Z. Wow. As soon as you start saying what other people need to do, no one ever says why thank you. I so appreciate you telling me exactly what my problem is. Go on. Tell me more. No one does that. We get immediately defensive, but if it's, we both need to do this, we both need to work on different. Okay. We want to see that our partner's taking some lower responsibility and they're not just making us the entire problem. No one wants to be the problem. And so collaboration, not you versus me. It's both of us together against the problem. So if my wife's listened to this, this podcast, I hope she comes to me and says, Adam, we have a problem that we can just fix together. The cabinet doors are always left open. How do we fix this together? If you're listening, like just bring it to me that way. And we can fix the problem together, you know, cause it's, it's a collaborative problem of leaving all the cabinet doors open, right? Gary simple. She's going to start bungee courting them. So they automatically snap close like a mousetrap or just take all the doors off. If that's really, you want them open all the damn time, Adam, I'm on her side about this. Totally. That does not feel very collaborative, Gary. So thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. No, but in all seriousness, I think this was such an important one. And I really enjoyed this at the end of the day, our words kind of dictate our mindset and the way that we approach situations. It really comes down to our words in those little moments. So speaking this, this way, it doesn't necessarily just change your relationship. It changes who you are in those relationships. So lean in, they'll make it happen. And if you want a little bit of guidance or a lot of guidance in your love life, that's what we do around here. We coach our clients on how to reframe situations to get out there and attract the right type of relationship, have the right phrases, the right words, the right approaches, the right strategy, all with coaching support guidance from our world-class team. So if you want a little bit of help in your love life, you can skip a line because you've listened to the end of this podcast. Clearly you're engaged. Just head on over to loveapply.com. You can apply to speak with someone on my team who's going to really understand your unique situation, where does he want to go and whether or not we can help you on your journey. Again, that's loveapply.com. It's a little secret link for you. Go ahead and check it out. And Gary, you're a rockstar, dude. I love this. Thanks, man. Thanks, Adam. Take care.