First Date Gone Wrong

I do not chase, I attract. I should have shampooed. I do not chase, I... Why did I wear this corn dress? Oh, there he is. Charlie? Oh, Laura! Hey! How are you? Oh, jeez. Sorry. Oh, my gosh. I am so... Wow. Are you okay? Yeah. I am so, so sorry. No, it's okay. I've never been punched. Oh, no, no. I thought we were fist-fighting. Here, have a seat. I'm so sorry. No, no, no. It's okay. Absolutely fine. Oh, my gosh. I am... I... It's... I... We are off to a little rocky start. Get it? Like, rocky with a... Okay, we'll see. You look wonderful, just like your pictures. Wow, thank you. And you have a shirt on. Yep. Sure. I post some thirst traps on there. That's good. Hello, you two. Can I get you something to drink? Yes. Beer. Do you want a beer, too? Oh, no, thank you. Oh, are you driving? No, I'm a raging alcoholic. So, six beers for her. I'm actually in recovery. I'm sober. I'm so sorry. I mean, I respect that. It's amazing. What is it like to feel things? It's terrible. Okay. Would you mind if I just one... Oh, please. Get a beer. I'll look hotter if you do. Oh, come on. No way. If you were any hotter, you'd have popcorn on your dress. You get it? Because, like, if corn gets hot, it turns into popcorn. No, I got it. It's a little corny. So, yeah, just one beer and water for the lady. I'll have those right up. Thank you. Okay, so as I was saying... Yeah, no, I'm all ears. Oh, my God. Corn ears. Are we done? I'm sorry. You're not going to call me a stalker? I wish I had thought of that one. So, I hear that they got great steaks here. Oh, I actually don't eat meat. Oh, there's no alcohol in the meat? No, I'm vegan. Oh. Nothing that came from an animal. What about cheese curds? No. They might have vegan cheese curds. Tofu cheese curds? Yeah, no, I don't think they make those. So, what do you like to do for fun? Hunting. And gathering vegetables in my garden. That's okay, I won't judge you. What do you like to do for fun? Yoga. You like yoga? No. Do you like fantasy football? No. Oh, crime documentaries. They're a little disturbing. How about fishing? That's more disturbing. Well, look, we got to have something in common. Just one thing, besides corn. I mean, corn's great, but... I'm divorced. Me too. A pop pass. I could totally see that. Fist bump. Honestly. Nailed it that time. That's the one thing we have in common, that we can't make a relationship work. I mean, when you put it like that, it sounds kind of sad, but yeah, that's true. Wait, are you avoided? Guilty as charged. Anxious? Incredibly. You don't give me 16 good morning texts, I lose it. I will never do that. You just run. As far as I can. Problem? You're here. Yeah. I knew we would find it. This is doomed. Yeah. Thank you. Cheers. To... Us. We should do this again sometime. I would love that. Sorry. God bless you. I'm actually atheist. Hakuna matata. We'll do a check. You want to... One or... Really? I'm going to pay for half your beer? Is that... Just one check's fine. Just keep her moving.