The Carrot Dark Comedy Short Film CRAFTY

For ****'s sake. Parchy! Is it really you? Hello, Mum. Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Yeah, OK. You do realise I've been ringing that bell for nearly ten minutes straight, right? Oh, you have? I wonder what that racket was. I thought it was the oven trying to tell me something. I'm making a cake, you see. No, that was me. Out here. I do have something I need to tell you, though. It's kind of pressing. Oh, not as pressing as giving your old mum a hug, are you? Oh, yeah. Michael's been making music. Why, no wonder your dad calls it. It's really quite catchy, though. Yeah. So's Flew, Mum. Where is Dad? Ooh, ooh, ooh! That's it, you! You ******* ching ching! Got you! Come back no more, you bastards! Come on, you shithead! Are you hungry? I'm fine, Mum. Are you sure? I've got carrot cake, Pudgy's favourite. Pudgy's not around anymore, Mum. Oh, you'll always be little Pudgy to me. Oh, that's great, innit? Two years of a paleo diet wasn't a complete waste of time. Oh, you don't want to do that to yourself. Diets aren't no good for no one. They even said that on this morning. You can't believe everything you hear on TV, Mum. People don't lie before breakfast, Pudgy. Look at you. You're as white as a sheet. Are you sure you're feeling OK? Yes, I'm fine. I mean, no, I'm not OK. It's got nothing to do with my diet, all right? We won't be so sure about that, Pudgy. Can you just get Dad, please? Yeah. Oh, Jesus! ------- Jesus Christ! It's your love that sweetens my coffee in the morning You've done it again, Jane. This cake is pure magic. Your mother's a magician, did you know that? Here, have a bite of that. For the last time, Dad, I don't want any cake. It's diet, dear. But it's character, good for you. Have you seen Michael recently? Yes, he's here all the time. Of course he is. Has he said anything? Have you noticed anything different about him? Gosh, no. He was perfectly happy, weren't he? Like a ray of sunshine. Yeah, well, he invited me round for dinner the other day. Oh, how lovely. My two boys back together. Yeah, sure. He told me Susan was out of town on some taxidermy convention she goes to. So I thought, you know, I thought, good opportunity to catch up. Eventually, he gets round to offering me dinner. Oh, how lovely. What did he cook for you? God, that awful lasagna of his. I love that lasagna. My bowels would disagree with you, Dad. Oh, don't talk to your dad about bowels. He's just got haemorrhoids. Oh, thanks, Mum. Yeah, that's great. No, it's not great. Tell him what he looks like down there, Dave. He looks like someone's washed a load of slugs up there. Dad, please. He's been howling at the moon like a bloody werewolf. I've been calling you the werewolf, haven't I? Tell him, Dave. She's been calling me the werewolf. Anyway... Half an hour after dinner, surprise, surprise, I'm on the lav. I'm just getting finished. And I catch this really weird scent. Christ, I don't think I've ever smelt anything like it. It was like kimchi, but with a mix of cheap perfume. And it's coming from this door at the end of the hallway. So I follow it. The stench was unbearable. And I realise it's coming from this old freezer. It must have been switched off or something. And this is where it gets really fucked up. Joseph Colwafter! I'm sorry, Mum, OK? I'm sorry. Why do you have to speak like that? Look, I'm sorry, Mum, OK? I'm just trying... Look, just brace yourselves, OK? I open that freezer. And inside it... Inside it... What? It was Susan. Susan? Yes, Susan. Michael lied to me. There never was no taxidermy convention. Jane, one day you'll have to tell me why they call a carrot cake a carrot cake. Because I've never had a single carrot. It's all about the size of grater that you use. What? The smaller the grater, the more the carrot disappears. What did I say? Pure magic. Was I not... Did you not hear a word I just said? Yeah, you said there wasn't a convention. Sounded pretty boring to me anyway. No, not that part, Dad. The Susan in the freezer part. Don't you get it? He ******* murdered her. Your language! Didn't you hear your mother? Dad, your son committed murder. Who cares if I'm swearing or not? Your mother does. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait a minute. What? You knew? You already knew. Oh, right. Michael told us a couple of weeks ago. He told... Wait, weeks? You've known for weeks? He said it was an accident. Oh, well, that's all right, then. Jesus, Mum. Jesus, Dad, you're covering up a murder. Do you understand that? Well, I never liked Susan. They were really unhappy parts. Have they got something called divorce for that, Mum? You don't just stick them in the freezer like they're a tub of Argandaz. Divorce, divorce, divorce. That's all I ever hear. What happened to the sanctity of marriage, eh? What happened to that? I don't know, Dad. Maybe they needed something to stop people murdering their partners. You realise we have to report this to the police, right? No, no, don't report him. They'll arrest him. Mum. He's got to pay for what he's done. It was a mistake. So what do you suggest, then, Dad? We just leave her in the freezer and pretend she disappeared? Well, what do you suggest, then? Suggest for what, Dad? Well, for making her disappear. Making her disappear? Yeah. Like the carrot in the cake. That's it. Oh, cool. What, no pudge? It's the right thing to do, Mum. No, you're not using that bowl. I'm sorry, I've got to do it, OK? Give it here. Oh, stop it, boys, just stop it. Dad, no, you can't have it. Dad, Dad, this is a matter of justice. No, no, no. This is a matter of family, Jo. Fine. Where are you going? You can't leave, dear. You haven't got your phone. I know. I'll drive to the station. No, no, no, no, no. Please don't do that, Pudgy, I beg you. Please don't go. Mum, you know what you've done to your mum. I won't let you go. Mum, stop! Please don't do this to my boy. You can't protect little Mumma's boy forever. We'd do the same for you. No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't, Pudgy. The difference is that I would never do a thing like this. Don't you understand? If they take him, we won't have no-one. What do you mean, Mum? Still have me? No. We don't, Jo. This is the first time you've come to visit us in over a year. That's not true. Susan had to die before you came to see us. Next time, it'll be one of us. SHE LAUGHS Swearing in front of your mother. Insulting your brother's cooking. Going on diets. You used to be such a lovely lad. Where did he go? Your brother might be a killer, but he's a lovely lad. He loves his parents. And while you're in your city, he's here at home with us. But, Dad, what if he does it again? Oh, you must be joking. Michael does nothing twice. The acting career, the pyramid scheme, the Ari Krishna. That boy, Noctuna, conceives of an idea that he's wiped from his brain for good. He's no mass-murdering mastermind, the latest Ted Bundy. HE CHUCKLES No, you're the achiever in this family, Jo. You know that, and Michael knows that. Christ! He used to follow you around wherever you went. You were never, ever apart. And then Michael met Susan, and we haven't seen you since. Look, I know he's done a terrible thing, I know it, but maybe this is an opportunity, an opportunity for us to get together again as a family. Dad, don't you see? I'm completely fucked up. I know, but sometimes it takes something to be so fucked up to make things as they were meant to be in this place. You'd really cover up a murder for me? For my sons, yeah. But I'd draw the line at two. So how do you want to do this, then? Oh, I don't know, Jo, you'll have to decide that. No, I mean, about the carrot. Oh, I don't know. What do you suggest? I think we should go upstairs and get Mum. After all... She's a magician. You've got them eyes that drive a cold man Coo-coo, coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo If looks could kill I'm sure as hell you'd be in jail You've got ten years of knocking me down With your beauty I'd be running If I weren't already under your spell Then you give me that look and I'll go Yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh Yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh Yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh Yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh