Those Sports Parents

A girl. And she's tall. Hmm. Volleyball? Basketball? I mean, she was just born. Ooh, she just kicked. Ooh, soccer! Did you see little Hannah's already walking? Yeah, her mom has her in movement classes. Should we be in movement classes? We need to get her in movement classes. If she doesn't do movement classes, she'll walk late. Then she'll run late. Then she won't make the track team. Google movement classes. All the gymnastics classes are booked. The wait list is three years long. So we needed to sign up... Before you were pregnant? Do you know when he went to the gym? Why? Do you want me to bribe them? I mean, she needs to refine her motor skills. Okay. Seems normal. Seems like every family would do this for their two-year-old. To bribe someone to go into a class where they just... Roll around in their poop-filled underpants. Do you see her squatting? She is eating out of a dog bowl. But that squat! That form is incredible. Give her some extra weight. See how she does. You know they say Olympians squat like that as babies? An Olympian! She says she wants to try soccer. I know, but it's too late. Every team's at tryouts and they want five years' experience. It's a team for four-year-olds. I know. We're so behind. Honey, you're five. That means it's time to pick a sport. No more of this waffling. Like trying things for fun. No more just running around without kicking things. No more sitting there without catching things. I saw you going down the slide the other day. Slides? I know that was fun. That's just sitting. So like, no pressure, but what's it gonna be? Simone Biles did not start gymnastics until she was six. Perfect. She could totally be the next Simone Biles. Let's watch Simone Biles in the vault. Is she one singular muscle? Holy s**t. My ACL would be in my stomach. There would be pee just all over that mat. You know what? Our daughter's probably too tall for gymnastics. Yeah, she's too tall. That's why. That's it. That's the only reason. Her teacher says she won a contest in PE today. What? Hanging from a bar the longest. Wow! Yeah. Is that a sport? I don't think so. Why not? It's not very fun to watch. But she's the best at hanging. She is. Let's Google hanging classes. Okay, honey. While we wait for you to pick a sport... Let's try cup stacking. Yeah, it's so much fun. It's a great way to learn coordination. You take these cups. And you stack them. And we can enter you in international tournaments. Look at how... Oh, sweetie, why are you crying? No, no, hand-eye coordination is fun. You can do this. Honey, she just hit a tennis ball over the net. What? She's a natural. We need to join a tennis club. She's going to be the next Serena. Hi, I'd like to join your tennis club. That sounds super affordable. Not at all. Hey, I'm going to go watch your tennis clinic. You're going to watch the clinic? Yeah, to see who wins. You know they're not even keeping score yet. Yeah, but I'll know who wins. Can I come? Let's go. Okay. Hey, she's getting pretty good. You know, maybe we put her in a tournament. I don't know. You ever see those tennis parents? They are real intense. That'll never be us, though. We'll be the nice parents. We'll be so chill. Are you freaking kidding me? That ball was in by a foot. How can you call that out? Tell your mom you need glasses. Your parents raised a liar. A lying liar. Liar. You want to quit tennis? Because we screamed all the time and embarrassed you? So you want to try something new? You want to try poetry? Like Amanda Gorman. Yes. Let's get you poetry lessons. I'll bet you you'll be winning awards in no time. Do they have college poetry teams? Google it. Whenever you're ready. What is that noise? I'm trying to make a funny noise. Have you never made that noise before? No. Is this better than like Staple Gun? No. Hey, so you're going to the clinic? Do I not look natural with any tools? You look like you're wielding it around. Put down that tool. Can you name that tool? You don't know how to use tools. They're decoration. We don't even need them in our house. What the hell? Why do we own tools? Why? Why do we own tools?