Ricky Gervais - The Devil’s Most Embarrassing Jokevideoplayback 4

It's not just going to happen to me, it's going to happen to all of you. Because the longer you live, the more ---- you see. And you go, oh, ****, this again, this again. And the more burden you carry. And the older you get, the weaker you get, so the burden gets heavier. And you go, oh, God, this again. And you can't die nowadays. You go, oh, thank God, I'm dying. Oh, ****, I'm back. They can transplant every organ now. Whatever's got... transplant every organ. Not your brain, that wouldn't make sense. You are your brain. So that would be an everything else transplant, wouldn't it? But I'd sign up for that. I don't care about this. It's to get this round. If I could leave a million pounds to science, so when I died, supposing I died, my body's crushed. Killed instantly. But my head's intact. They keep that on ice. Wait for a body donor. Some poor bloke gets his head crushed. Put my head on his body, and I'm back. I don't know. Statistically, I will get a bigger penis as well, so... The odds are in my favour there, trust me. I wake up in the future, I see the scar, and I go, ooh, that's all right. I go, ooh, you've always wanted a big knob. I go, yeah, I've always wanted a big knob. I go, let's have a little bit of me time. But then every time I look down, I go, oh, that's not my knob. Do you know what I mean? I go, oh, that's not my knob. Oh, that's not my knob. It's not my hand either, carry on. I was doing an interview a while ago. I don't think the journalist liked me. He asked me this question. I thought it was rude. So I gave a fake answer. He said, so what have you got planned for your funeral? And I went, oh, I want to be fed to the lions at London Zoo. He went, really? I went, yeah, I want the zookeeper to take out my big, fat, dead, naked, bloated body in a wheelbarrow, just dump it in the lion's den, loads of tourists going, is that the bloke from the office? And then two big lions come out and just start eating me. And lions, they start with the soft bits of the body to get inside to the rib cage, so they'd probably get a testicle each, wouldn't they? Cos that would be the easiest... By then, my testicles would be about a yard apart, so they'd be easy. They'd just start eating towards me, like Lady and the Tramp, really. Romantic. So I said that as a joke, but he totally believed me, so much so that when he was writing up the article, he called London Zoo and asked them if that would be allowed, and they said, no, of course not. So when the article came out, the headline was, London Zoo refused Ricky's request to be fed to lions. Like, I'm a ******* psychopath. My point is, you can't worry about what happens after you die. Live your life, let someone else worry, but you're dead, you've done your bit. I know some people who really are stressed about what happens after they die, some religious people, and they believe in heaven and hell and all that, so now they're getting a bit, oh, have I been good enough? Heaven's great, but hell, what have I got of hell? And I go, there's no hell. It's made up to frighten kids. My favourite horror film of all time is still the original Exorcist. First time I saw it on VHS, I was blown away. I watched it again straight away. I loved it. And there's a bit in that that's meant to be the really poignant bit. And I laughed the first time I saw it, because it was the idea of the devil being this crass and childish. You know the bit. So, the little girl's possessed by the devil, and they're doing an exorcism, and they're throwing holy water on her. She's hissing, right? They're going, the power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. And at one point, the devil makes the little girl turn her head round, and he makes her say, your mother sucks cocks in hell. And the bloke, she said, he's devastated. He's like, cos he's thinking, that's the real devil. So he knows. So it's true. My poor mother sucking cocks in hell. If scientists actually found the devil, I was wrong. They found the devil. They tested him. It was peer-reviewed. It won the Nobel Prize for ******* everything, because it would be the greatest discovery of all time. And I'd be mind-blown, but I'd go, well, you've got to follow the science. So, yeah, I believe in the devil. It wouldn't even be belief. It would be knowledge. I'd want to meet him. If the devil actually existed, I'd want to see it for my... As long as I was safe. I don't know what makes you safe from the devil. But if he existed, we'd find out, wouldn't we? Like, vampires live forever, but now we know a bit of garlic really fucks them up. So we'd discover something. Like, if you put a devil in a cage with a sprig of parsley on top, he's weak or something, right? And I'd meet the devil, right? And I'd go, are you there? I'd go, are you the devil? He'd go, yeah. And then he'd try to hurt my feelings. And that was his best shot. And he went, Rick... I'd go, what? He goes, your mother sucks cocks in hell. I'd go, pfft. I don't care. One, she's dead. Two, she was heterosexual. Three, she never had her teeth in towards the end. So, no. But it's hell. Think of all the terrible things that could be happening to her. Being raped by red-hot pokers, rats eating her eyes. My mum gets cocked, Judy. Go on, girl. That has got to be one of the better jobs. In hell. Terrible job on earth. I've never sucked a cock in my life. I never will. But if I died, I'm in hell. Tortured. I'd see the first cock, I'd go, I'm on this. Not a problem. Looking around, seeing people skinned alive, I'd go, I'd chow down. I'd be looking over at the big man going, I'm doing a great job here, leave me on this. There's the devil with a clipboard looking a bit confused. No-one's ever gone straight for the cock. He goes, OK, carry on. What if he then went, I mean, I did have you down for ironing. I'd go, ****. Who's getting their cock sucked in hell? Because we're there for punishment and that's a little treat. I'd be there, feeling a bit smug, and I'd think, oh, this is great. Not great, but I'd be... But the devil's a trickster, isn't he? One day I'd go, I wonder whose cock this is? And I'd look up, oh, it's ******* Hitler. -------, *******, sucking Hitler's cock. How is this all right to do this in public? Because... You're home tonight and I shouted through your letterbox, sucking ******* Hitler's cock in hell. You'd call the police, but you've paid to hear me say this! Shit! I'll tell you what's very popular in England at the moment and in America, particularly California. Mental illness. Oh, it's taken off. It's taken off a trip. When I was at school, you were either thick or clever, normal or mental, right? Now there's like a thousand new mentals, right? And it used to be a stigma. I'm not mental. Now people go, I'm mental. You know what I mean? It's like everyone I know in media is ADHD. I'm ADHD. I'm ADHD. Yeah, so I'm ADHD. Yeah, I took the test five times. Passed it on the fifth. Oh, well done. And it's like I'm writing a song about it. I'm writing a poem about it. I'm writing a book about it. And they brag about it. They put it in their CV. It's got disorder. When did we start bragging about having a disorder? 20 years ago, you wouldn't have got given a business card and it said Ron Pike, anal warts. You know, just... Keep it to yourself. No one cares. I think the new pandemic amongst the youth is going to be fear and anxiety. Because now we've had a whole generation who grew up with social media. Instant gratification. Doesn't build character. They're not socialised properly. They can't deal face to face with people because they're used to hiding behind an identity and an avatar. And now they've got teachers and parents enabling their mental illness as opposed to trying to snap them out of it. And now they fear the thing they once loved. They're worried about the internet and AI. Young people are really worried about artificial intelligence. And I say this about AI. If it starts becoming a burden, switch it off. Like we did Nan. And another big fear amongst the youth is climate change. They're really worried about global warming. And I looked into it. And if the polar ice caps completely melt, the sea level will go up about 60 metres around the world. So all coastal areas will be affected a bit. But the real devastation, the real loss of life will be in places like China and India. So relax. But we all suffer from a bit of mental illness. We're all on the spectrum, aren't we? We've all got a little bit of OCD or anxiety or whatever. Like I'm a hypochondriac, right? Every morning I wake up and I think, right, what's wrong? I go, what's that? That wasn't there yesterday. What's that? What's that? And I Google it. And I catastrophise as well. So I Google it. And the first sort of like five or six I'm fine with. Like it goes, could be anxiety. Could be lack of sleep. Yeah, I didn't sleep well. Could be lack of fibre. Yeah, I'll have some more. Fibre. Could be lack of vitamin B. And then I just keep pushing. It goes, could be cancer. I go, it's cancer. It's cancer. Once I came out of the bathroom and I went, Jane, I think I've got bowel cancer. She went, we had beetroot last night. I go, oh yeah, cheers. I want to end with a couple of true stories, if I may. And as I said, I think this is my most honest and confessional show so far. So I want to talk about something I haven't talked about before. And that's to give you a glimpse behind the curtain of the Golden Globes. And thank you. I last hosted the Golden Globes in 2020. It was the fifth time over a ten year period. And I liked them more and more. And the last one was my favourite. Because the world changed in that ten years. Like the first time I hosted them in like 2010, the press of America hated me. It was this annoying Brit insulting the most important people on the planet. By the last time I hosted, they were like, yeah, go on, **** them. **** them. Because ordinary people have got sick and tired of being lectured by these multi-millionaire, nothing wrong with that, these liberally entertainers telling them how to vote and how to recycle. When everyone knew they were getting free jet rides to Pido Island. So it really hit the zeitgeist. But it was always the same deal. Whenever they said, do you want to host? I said, yeah, I'll host. I said, but I'm going to write all my own jokes, which is unheard of apparently. I said, I'm going to write all my own jokes and I'm not going to rehearse. So you can't hear the jokes beforehand. You can't cancel any. And they let me do that. I did have to show a lawyer the jokes about an hour before to make sure I hadn't broken any laws. And I never had, because I know the law. Sometimes the lawyer would go, are you sure you want to say that? And I go, is it legal? They go, yep, technically I go, let's do it. I've never had a joke stopped by the Golden Globes. That says something about them to be fair. Anyway, thank you. This last time they said, oh, you've got to see the lawyer the day before now. I went, okay, great. So I was driven to the Beverly Hills Centre and they're all setting up and the photos of the A-listers are all in their chairs. There's Brad, there's Leo, there's Bob. And this big guard showed me to this room and he opened the door and he shut it behind me and I looked and there were suddenly ten lawyers in suits. It was usually like this mid-aged woman in a jumper. And I thought, what the ****'s happened? Is it because it's my last time and they're just making sure I don't say anything? And they were there and I went, hi. They went, hi. I said, should I do the monologue? They went, please. Tough crowd. So I had the monologue and I was sort of going through it. It was like seven or eight minutes long. So I was doing the jokes and after each joke I sort of looked up and they were sort of going making notes. A couple of the younger ones were going, like that. And I got to the end and I went, that's it. And they went, good. I went, oh, great. And then the head lawyer, he was about 60 years old, he had like white hair. He went, oh, yes, there was one thing. Now, I did this joke. I don't know if you remember. It went, the world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats, but no one saw that. And it goes on. At one point I go, but Dame Judi Dench said it was the role she was born to play because she loves nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet, lifting her back leg and licking her own minge. So, this lawyer went, he said, this is all true, by the way. He went, when you say James Corden is a fat pussy, that's just referring to his role in Cats, right? I went, yeah. Yeah, definitely. And he went, okay, great. This is easy. Call yourself a lawyer. And that was it. And I went, have a great show. And as I was leaving, I saw one of the other lawyers lean in and show this head lawyer his iPhone. And the head lawyer went, oh, yeah. Oh, sorry, Ricky, can you come back a minute? So, I went, yeah. So, he had the phone there. They'd looked up the word minge. So, it's now like I'm getting told off. And the head lawyer said, no, it says here that the word minge is a derogatory term for female genitalia. I went, well, yeah, it's a slang word for vagina in England. You don't even use it here, do you? He went, no, we don't, but we got around the world and with due diligence, now we know it's derogatory, we'll have to bleep that word live. I went, don't bleep the word live because people at home won't know what I've said. I said, it's literally the punchline. He said, if it's derogatory, we'll have to bleep it. I said, well, what word could I use that you wouldn't bleep? And he went, well, you could say vagina.