45 Minutes of Bill Engvall Being the Husband We All Know

COVID wasn't just all about medical issues either. COVID had forced a lot of us to re-evaluate our marriages. I know where you are, I'm one of them. My lovely bride and I have been married for 40 years. Thank you, but let me tell you something. The reason we've been married for 40 years is because I go away. I often tell her I'm the perfect husband. I go on the road, pick up a check, come home, drop it off, leave again. But COVID hit and now we're together 24-7 and we had a little adjusting to do. I learned a lot about Gail that I didn't know. You would think after 40 years of marriage, I'd know everything there is to know about that woman. But I learned a lot. I learned that she's addicted to Bed, Bath & Beyond. And I think you ought to call it Bed, Bath & Beyond your budget. She just buys crap. One day she came in and she goes, we need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I said, for what? And she goes, I need to get clothes hangers. I said, don't we get them free from the cleaners? She goes, no, I need these special kind and you ladies will know what I'm talking about. She said, I need the kind with the velvet on them. I said, for what? She goes, so it keeps my dress from falling off. I go, that's been our problem for 40 years. My other favorite was, she goes, we need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I go, now for what? And she goes, she said, I need to get guest towels. I go, for what? She goes, so when people stay with us, Bill, they have towels they can use. I said, well, here's a thought. We have a washer and dryer and those folks don't live with us, so they don't know that our regular towels ain't our guest towels. And if they bitch about it, screw them, they can go stay at the Hilton. I said, you're just buying crap. She goes, well, you buy crap at Bass Pro Shop. I said, no, ma'am. I buy essential items at Bass Pro Shop. She goes, like what? And I said, like, I need a cooler that knows whether to keep my beer cold or my coffee hot. That's essential. She goes, you're an idiot. I go, I'll be an idiot with a cold beer. That's what I'll be. But it's just weird to see how she was acting during COVID. Cause, and I swear, if I didn't know better, I think she was pregnant. Cause she was nesting, I swear. I would get a cup of coffee, take two sips of it, set it down on a stool and walk three steps away. And she goes, are you done with that? Well, there's three quarters of it left. There's still steam coming off it. So I'm going to go, no, Alex. She goes, well, you know where to put it when it's done. I go, right, we throw it out in the street. She goes, no, you put it in the dishwasher and put it in the dishwasher right. I go, what do you mean right? She goes, I didn't know this, fellas. Did you know this? That there is a wrong way and a right way to load a dishwasher. See, I didn't know that. One night we had dinner and we finished dinner and I took my plate and my silverware and I walked to the dishwasher, put them in there, shut the dishwasher. Here comes Gail right behind me, opens up, starts rearranging. I said, what are you doing? She goes, you put them in there wrong. I said, what are you talking about? She goes, Bill, you can't put bowl, plate, cup, bowl, plate, plate, cup, bowl, plate. I go, why not? She goes, they won't get clean. I said, have you ever actually been inside a dishwasher? Here's something else I didn't know, gang. Did you know that women can have a bad day and blame the whole day on their hair? I didn't know that. One day during COVID, Gail was in a pissy mood. God, she was in a pissy mood. And I said, what's wrong with you, honey? She goes, oh, the girl that cut my hair did it all wrong. I can't get it right and it just ruined the whole damn day. I was like, wow. Fella couldn't get away with that. Fella couldn't have a bad wiener day. We do. Some days it looks good, doesn't it, boys? That's right. You want to slap a leash on and walk it around the block, then other days, maybe it was cold. You slept on it wrong. Man couldn't blame a whole damn day on it, though. It's like, Jimmy, what's wrong with you? Ah, I'm having a bad wiener day. What happened? Ah, I took a shower, fell asleep on the couch. It was still wet. I can't do nothing with it. I'm gonna guarantee you right now there's somebody in this theater going, that is a bored human being right there. This is another thing I learned. My lovely wife, she has to say things out loud. That's how she gets them straight in her head. Perfectly fine if you know that's going down. But we'll be in the car and I'm driving and this is what I'll hear. Okay, I need to go to the cleaners. I need to make a hair appointment. I need to make sure I get my nails done. I'm like, what? She goes, I'm not talking to you. Fine, I keep driving. Then I hear, okay, do we have dog food? Oh, wait, wait, do we need to pick up those tickets and do we need to make reservations for dinner tomorrow? And I just keep driving. And she goes, are you gonna answer me? Yeah, if I knew who you were talking to, me or your little imaginary friend down there. This was my other favorite one. The other day she came and she goes, I think you need to get your hearing tested. And I said, what? She goes, see, I was joking. She goes, no Bill, I really think you need to get your hearing tested because you don't hear half the stuff I say. And I remember when I, the day I got married, my granddaddy pulled me aside and he said, son, you want the secret to a long and happy marriage? Pick your battles. He said, if you go to war every time, you're gonna lose. And I remember thinking, this is a battle. So I said, all right, I'll go get my hearing tested. So I went to the hearing doctor, gave me the test. He goes, your hearing's fine. I said, thank you very much. Went home, Gail said, how'd it go? I said, he said, my hearing's just fine. She said, well, how do you, is it you don't hear half the stuff I say? I said, you know, it's funny you bring that up because he said that maybe you shouldn't wait till you're at the other end of the house before you start talking to me. Look at the women, fellas, look at them, look at them. They know it's in their little bullet in their arsenal right there. I swear to God, Gail and I could be sitting in the same room for three hours, not a word is said. I get up and walk to the other end of the house and I hear this, you know, it's good, it's fine. Let's just come in here. Now I gotta come back in and go, what? See, you're hard of hearing. I go, no, dogs couldn't hear what you were saying. I'm at the archery range. I had little field tips on my arrows. I shot my bow and arrow for about an hour, put them in the back of the truck and drove home. Got to the house, took the bow and arrows out of the back of the truck and I'm walking up the driveway and right there is one of my son's old basketballs just laying in the dirt. And I thought to myself, wonder if a fella could shoot an arrow through a basketball. I took an arrow, I drew back. Okay, y'all, I could have done this 10,000 times and I'd have popped that basketball. But because I had field tips on my arrows, when the arrow hit the basketball, it hit one of the seams so perfectly, the arrow shot straight back up and the knock laid my cheek open right here. I got a flap of skin hanging, I'm bleeding. I walk in the house and Gail's like, what the hell? I said, his basketball was right there. You know what? You tell me what grown man would have looked at that basketball and thought to himself, I wonder if I could shoot an arrow through a basketball. She goes, I'll tell you who, Bill, nobody. Nobody but you. You're like a nine-year-old. I swear to God, you're gonna put me in a home. And I'm like, do you think we could finish this later? Because I'm feeling a little lightheaded right now. So she gives me a dish towel. I'm holding this flap of skin against my face. It's soaked with blood. She's driving me to the hospital. Of course, the whole way there is just, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. And I kept thinking, why couldn't the arrow have hit me in the ear? We get to the hospital. I walk through the emergency room doors and I hear, good God, the dumbest man on the planet is back. You are putting my kids through college. It's like where we live right now, behind our house is about a 40, 50 acre plot of woods. And beyond that's another neighborhood, but I don't know those folks. Probably for their benefit. But my next door neighbor on the other side, Luke, he puts a game camera out in the woods behind our house and he takes pictures of the deer and elk and bear that walk by and then he posts it on his Facebook page. Well, one night I got an idea. I thought it'd be funny if I got a Bigfoot outfit. Come on, that's genius. I'd get that Bigfoot outfit and walk in front of his game camera like. Just to be there, when he's going through his pictures, he goes, yeah, that's an elk, that's a bear, there's Bigfoot, there's, oh my God. Well, what we've learned here tonight is that when I get an idea, I don't really think it through. I just kind of roll with it. So I went into town, went to the costume shop, but they did not have a Bigfoot outfit. I know. But they did have a movie quality Batman outfit. And I remember thinking that is a gift from God right there. How much funnier would that be? He's flipping through his pictures and there's Batman, hell yes. And this thing was awesome. It had the cape, the mask, the little eyepieces, the shorts, the tool belt, the tights, the boots, everything, gloves. And so I wanted to do it at night. So the picture was kind of grainy so he couldn't really see it was me. Last June, I'm sitting in my den, six o'clock in the evening, dressed as Batman. And Gail walked by. And I could tell by the look on her face, she did not comprehend what was about to go down. And she said, are you gonna tell me? I said, yes, ma'am, I am. I said, you know how Luke puts that game camera in the woods behind the house? She goes, yeah. I go, I thought it'd be funny if I got a Bigfoot outfit. She goes, Bill, no. And I go. I went to town, they did not have a Bigfoot outfit. She goes, thank God. I said, but they had this bitchy Batman outfit. And I remember thinking how much funnier would that be? He's flipping through his pictures and there's Batman, yeah, that's gonna be funny. And she goes, Bill, no. I go, listen, I know funny, it's my job. On a funny scale of one to 10, 30. She goes, I can't talk you out of this, can I? I go, nope. She goes, okay. She goes, but wait a minute, it's only six. It don't get dark for a couple hours. Why are you dressed like Batman now? I said, good question. And I think this is a good opportunity for us to be honest. Who has not wanted to have sex with Batman? And she goes, okay, not only no, but hell no. I said, why not? And she goes, I'll be happy to tell you why not. She said, let's say we do this. And I kind of get into it. She goes, where does it stop? I said, I don't follow you. She goes, yes, you do. Because if I say yes to this, you'll be out there buying Green Lantern outfits, you'll be buying Spider-Man outfits. You're gonna want me dressed like Catwoman. And the whole time I'm sitting there thinking, I ain't really heard a reason not to yet. Well, that didn't happen. Well, it gets dark and I book it out in the woods. Well, I get out in the middle of these pitch black woods and the thought occurs to me, I don't really know where Luke's game camera is. So now I'm just a grown man dressed like Batman in the woods in the middle of the night. This is a new story waiting to happen. Well, you know when you get out in the woods and it's dark and you start hearing things and your mind starts playing tricks on you? I start flipping out. I'm like, oh my God, Bill, this is bad, bad, bad, bad. What if you get killed by a mountain lion? What if a pack of wolves tears you in half? How are they gonna tell your kids? I hate being a hypochondriac because it's just, it's not fun because you're always worried about death. And a cold, okay, I'm gone. True story, every year, Gayle and I would get our physical and we'd get our blood work done just in case there was something, we could stay on top of it. So this happened this year. We got our physicals, got our blood work done. Four days later, I'm out playing golf. Five o'clock in the evening, I get back in the golf cart, I see a message from the doctor, voicemail. And this is what it said, you need to call us as soon as possible. What the hell does that mean? I'll tell you what it means, I'm dying. That's what it means. Oh my God, I called the doctor's office back, it's 5.30 on a Friday, they're gone. I got all weekend to stew about this. I called my friends, I said, look, man, I hope you know that I tried to be a good friend to you. And that you'll remember me with a smile when my name comes up in conversation. I called my kids, I said, daddy has loved you with all his heart. And I said, you're gonna find a new daddy. And I'm sure he'll be nice and just please remember that I tried to do, I know I made some bad decisions, but you know, and my daughter goes, what's wrong with you? I go, well, I don't know how to tell you this, but the doctor called and said, I'm dying. She said, that's what they said? I said, well, yes. They said they needed me to call them right back. And you know what that means? She goes, yeah, it means they want you to call them right back. I go, well, honey, whatever you gotta do to get through this, I totally support it. I went to Gail and said, baby, make me a promise that when I'm gone, you'll get remarried. Please don't mourn over me, I'm gonna be in a good spot. And she goes, what is wrong with you? I said, well, the doctor called and said that I need to call them as soon as possible. And you know what that means? She goes, yeah, it means they want you to call them as soon as possible. I go, no, it means I'm dying. She goes, you know what, you're an idiot. I said, well, I'll be a dead idiot because that's what happens. I called my lawyer on a Saturday. You know what it costs to call your lawyer on a Saturday to make sure your will's in order? Monday morning, that doctor's office opened at 9 a.m. I was outside that door at 7 a.m. I waited for two hours. This nurse finally walked up and she goes, what are you doing here, Bill? I said, well, y'all called Friday and said call us as soon as possible. And I tried, but y'all were gone. So I just need to know, is it gonna be a quick death? Am I gonna linger? Do I need to put more money away? She goes, no, we just wanted to make sure your insurance was still the same. I'm gonna need to make some calls. But that's what happens as you get older. All your conversations change. When you're in your 20s and 30s, you talk about girls and fast cars and movies and stuff. Then you get to 40, 50, you start talking about politics and sports. Then you get to my age at 65 and older and all your conversations are about medical issues going on with you. I don't care how a conversation starts, it'll somehow come around to somebody's colonoscopy. It's like, yeah, our grandson's playing soccer now. Well, did I tell you about when the doctor had me in that room there for a little bit? And then everybody piles in. And I hate that. That's all my friends and I talk about anymore is how many pills we're taking, what pills are we taking, what did the doctor say you could or couldn't eat? And God forbid somebody gets rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. Then we become like witnesses at the Amber trial, Johnny Depp trial. Well, then what'd he say? What'd he say? Because you know what's next, it's gonna be you, so you wanna be ready, right? We have a friend who's a little bit older and he swears he had a heart attack, but he didn't. But we keep asking about it because it's so fun to hear him tell the story. Because he becomes like a war hero in a Ken Burns documentary. It was Tuesday, 0700. I had just driven through the Hardee's drive-thru, got a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit when my heart was under attack. I reached for my cell phone, but I knew communications with my left arm had been cut off and I knew that the nearest hospital was seven clicks away. And that's when the panic set in. I remember screaming, you're not taking me, Charlie! Then he asked his wife, he said, how was Joe's heart attack? He said, oh, he didn't have a heart attack. He gets gas every time he goes to Hardee's and he calls me screaming, I'm dying, I'm dying. And by the time I get home from the Walmart, Hardee's asleep on the couch. And we're all like, so? But that's what happens as you get older, man. It's like, oh my God. This is how bad it's gotten. This happened today. I had to put my glasses on to help me get my contact lenses in. I've made a new rule that when I go play golf, I don't take my cell phone with me. And sure enough, I'll get home and Gail will go, I tried calling you. I go, did you hear it ringing in the house? That would be, I'm not here. I don't know what the addiction is. I hate knowing that. And we all, have you ever lost your cell phone? Oh my God. It's like a family member passed away. People bring over casseroles or something. Maybe you should wait a little bit before you get a new one. Yeah, just deal with this one first. It's insane what we do. Have you ever done this? This is when I knew I was, you're sitting in your favorite chair, cell phone sitting right there. It don't ring, buzz, chirp, nothing. And you catch yourself doing this. What are we looking for? We'd have heard it ring. I'd be willing to bet you a significant amount of cash that before cell phones, not once, did you ever walk over to the wall phone and go, yep, still got a dial tone, we're good. They've got us, they got us, man. And I know where my hatred of cell phones comes from. I know there's two incidents. One, a buddy of mine got into my phone. I don't know how he did that, but he got in my phone and he changed my auto-correct. So every time I would type the letter I, it came up Big Billy. So if I text you and said, hey, can I stop by your house later? It came out, hey, can Big Billy stop by your house later? And then you'd read it and go, what a jackass. Who calls himself Big Billy? And then I'd see it and text you back and go, look, I don't really call myself Big Billy. But then that came out, look, Big Billy really didn't call himself Big Billy. I couldn't get it off my phone. I had to go to a phone store and have a 17 year old kid fix my phone. Well, while he's fixing my phone, I'm telling him the story. And he goes, well, I can help you get back at your buddy. I said, I'm all ears. He said, can you get in his phone? I said, oh yeah. I said, everybody gets in his phone. He's an idiot. He tells everybody his code. And I'll tell y'all, it's 2337. If you look at it, it spells out beer. He's so proud of that. Now don't think for one second there's not somebody in this theater going, you know what? That's not too damn bad, actually. So he said, look, I can teach you how to change his auto signature on his emails. And I said, done. So he showed me what to do. And one day me and my buddy were out playing golf and he went to hit his ball. And I grabbed his phone and I got in there and I changed his auto signature on his emails from Joe Smith to while seated on the toilet. Well, about a week went by. I got a text and said, hey, jackass. He said, not everybody's a paid comedian. He said, in case you've forgotten, I'm a financial advisor and I have people's retirement funds in my hand. And they don't really see the humor. When I sent him an email saying, hey, he just went over your portfolio while seated on the toilet. So I texted him back and said, well, big Billy apologizes. Thank you. The other one, and this one was awkward. Gail and I were getting new cell phones. And I said, baby, you're gonna have to set these up because I'll screw it up. She goes, don't worry, I got it. So she's setting up our new phones. But when she got to the contact information, instead of putting my name, Bill Ingvall, she put my lover. She thought it'd be cute that when I called, she'd go, look, my lover's calling. Well, what I didn't know is that when you forward that contact information to someone, that don't change. So what happened was we were getting ready to sell our house. And we discovered there was some mold in the crawlspace of the basement. So Gail said, look, I found this mold guy, you deal with him. I'm like, done, I'm all over it. So I called the mold guy. He comes out, sprays the basement. But we sold the house. And the couple that bought the house discovered there was still some mold in the crawlspace of our basement. So I called the mold guy back. But what I don't realize is he's left his phone at the golf club he belongs to. And I guess the manager found Sam's phone and realized it was Sam's, put it in his coat pocket, figuring Sam would get down the road a piece, realized he'd left his phone, come back and get it. Who chooses at that proper moment to call but me? His lover. I called Sam's phone. And I guess the club manager looked at it and said, my lover. And he goes, well, hello, Phyllis. I said, who's Phyllis? Big paws. He goes, oh, I'm sorry. He said, I just assumed this was Sam's wife. And I said, oh, I didn't even know he had a wife. Oh, it gets worse. I said, he's just a fellow who services me. It is crickets on the other end of the line. This guy is so flustered, he can't even put a sentence together. He's like, um, well, would you like to leave a message? Now realize, I don't know what it says, my lover on the phone. So I said, yeah, just tell him I need him back in my crawl space ASAP. Well, Sam knew what it meant. But the club manager had no idea. Poor Sam had a lot of explaining to do. It's like where we live now, there's this little golf course. And it's just, it's 18 holes and nobody rides cars. They all walk. It's up in the mountains, there's deer and elk, everything's beautiful. And they have a little golf league and we joined that. But on the 12th tee box of this golf course, there's a sign that says, caution, aggressive goose give wide berth. And it's the truth, y'all. There is a goose that when you're walking down the fairway, he comes up off the pond and chases people off the fairway. Do you remember that kid? He's like that grouchy old get off my yard guy when you were a kid. Well, one day we were playing a little golf event we had. And we walk up on that 12th tee box and I looked at that sign and something just hit me wrong. I said, Gail, read that sign. She goes, caution, aggressive goose give wide berth. What has been here since we joined? I go, this is what is wrong with America. And she goes, what? I go, this is what's wrong with America. We're rewarding this goose for his bad behavior, which is what we do now. We don't punish people. We reward people for being a jackass. And this is what we're doing with this goose. And she goes, could you let this go, Lady Liberty? And I go, no, I can't let it go because this is not about me. This is about America. And sometimes you gotta do things you don't wanna do. And she's like, whatever. So we hit our tee shots and we're walking down the fairway. We got our golf bags on our shoulders and sure enough, here come that goose. And he got up in that fairway and he looked me in the eye and he went. And I looked at him and I went. And I swear I saw him go, all right, let's do this. And he stopped and went. And then he started running at me, which I gotta be honest with you, I wasn't really ready for that. Because I remember thinking, oh my God, I'm gonna have to kick this goose. But you know what? This is for America. Sometimes you gotta do stuff you don't wanna do. So I said, all right, feather buddy, let's do this. I was good at kickball. I'll be damn good at kick goose. And I'm about to waylay this goose and he starts flying right for my face, which I really wasn't ready for. And I'm leaning back like, what the hell is he? And he dive bombed. I've had my clubs pull me on the ground. He dive bombed me. He's on my face like, ah, ah, ah. Pecking and slapping his wings. I'm like, get him off me. He goes, I can't, I'm peeing my pants. Well, I won't be able to see it because this psychotic goose is popping my eyes out. I'm wrestling a freaking bird. I've got him by the neck. We're rolling around on the ground. He craps all over my new golf shirt, squawking. I finally threw him off me and he ran into the pond and from behind me on the tee box, I heard, you did it for America, Bill. Okay, here's another one. So when my son was, I don't know, five or six years old, I'd give him a pocket knife for his birthday. It was just a little Swiss army knife, it wasn't anything big and any guy in this room will tell you that when your daddy gives you a pocket knife for your birthday, that's more than a gift. That's a rite of passage. You've moved from boyhood to manhood. And like I said, it was just a little Swiss army knife. He was having a great, well, everything was fine. Until one day, Gail's looking out the kitchen window and she sees our boy and his best friend jumping up and down the trampoline. My son's got the knife blade out. And she's like, no, no, no. You gotta take that away. I said, no, you can't take it away. It's like a rite of passage. It'll break his heart. She goes, well, you better do something because I'm not calling that other kid's mom, telling him he got stabbed because we let him jump up and down the trampoline with a knife. And I said, all right, I got it. So I walk out there and I said, hey buddy, I said, I got an idea. I go, can I just see your knife? Because I thought, here's what I'll do. I'll take his knife. I'll go out in the garage. I'll cut the blade of the knife off, give him the rest of the knife back. He don't care, he's five years old. Have you ever tried to cut the blade off a knife? Well, for those of you who have not, let me tell you something. It's like made of steel. I'm in the garage with pliers aren't working, wire snips aren't working. I go, I need a pair of bolt cutters. So I put the knife in my pocket, drove over to the Home Depot to get a pair of bolt cutters. But they want 50 bucks a pair. Yeah, I think that's a little overpriced. I mean, I only need it for one job. I know what I'll do. I'll just borrow their bolt cutters. I'll slip off behind the lumber section there, snip that blade off that knife, put the bolt cutters back, give my son his knife back. Everybody's happy. I'm in the corner of the Home Depot, hiding behind a plywood with a pair of basically stolen bolt cutters. And I'm squeezing on the blade of that knife, and I'm squeezing, I'm squeezing. I heard dink, and I went, ow, God. And I look, and the blade has flown into my shoulder. My shirt is soaking with blood. I'm like, what the hell? And I can't pull the blade out. I've seen those TV shows. Yeah, where a guy's got a knife sticking out of him, he's just fine, until some jackass pulls the blade out, and then he bleeds out right there. And let's face it, it's not like I can go to the Home Depot manager and go, hey, dude, I gave my son a pocket knife for his birthday, and you know that's like a rite of passage. But my wife saw him jumping up and down the trampoline with a knife blade out. Well, apparently that's a button pusher. Her said, you gotta take it away. I said, you can't take it away. It's like a rite of passage. She said, well, you better do something, because I'm not going to call that other boy's mom and tell him he got stabbed, because we let him jump up and down the trampoline with a knife blade out. So I went into the garage, I tried pliers, they didn't work. It's like made of steel. So I thought I went to Home Depot, get a pair of bolt cutters. They want 50 bucks a pair. I think that's a lower price, don't you? I mean, I just want to borrow your bolt cutters. I don't need to buy the whole damn house. But you know, I went behind the lumber sector with a pair of basically stolen bolt cutters, squeezed the blade off that knife, but it stuck me in his shoulder. I mean, I can't say that. My wife will never be a tutor. She does not have the patience for it. This would be a typical conversation between me and her. Baby, I don't understand how they got the answer to that math problem. She goes, well, how can I make it any easier? It's right there in front of you in black and white. And I go, I don't care if it's on pink paper with blue polka dots. I don't know how they got that answer. She goes, well, what do you want me to do? I go, tell me how they got the answer. She goes, well, then that'd be cheating and you haven't really learned anything because it's just me doing the math problem in it. So how do we deal with this? I said, here's how we deal with it. You're fired. And then I got a real tutor and he got me through it. But here was my question. I was getting a Christian studies major. Why does a Christian studies major even need a math class? Right? All I need to know is there was 12 apostles, 10 commandments, he spent three days in a grave. Boom, aced it. And I did the whole thing online for two reasons. One, because I was still touring. But two, I didn't want the other kids to know how old I was. But I think I might've blown that when I would ask questions like, what's TikTok? To me, it's sound a clock makes, that's all I know. Well, so what happened is the professor would email us a problem. We'd do the problem and email it back to him. One night I got this problem. It said, can you solve for X? And I wrote back, maybe, if you can solve for Y. As in, why the hell do I need to know this math? When I finally knew I was gonna pass the class, I called the professor in his office. I said, I've been wanting to ask you something since I started this class. He said, what's that? I said, well, my time on this planet's up and I go to meet St. Peter. I said, is he gonna give me a math problem to do? He said, probably not. I said, so you're telling me then that this university has a stricter admissions policy than heaven does? He didn't find that too funny. But to show you what an idiot I am, while I was still enrolled in college classes, one night Gail and I were lying in bed and I rolled over to her and I said, well, I guess you can tell your friends that you're sleeping with a college boy now. She goes, you know what, that's gross. And that right there, my friends, is the difference between men and women. There's a lot of reasons why at my age I would not sleep with a college girl. But I can tell you for a fact that gross ain't one of them. And the best thing about taking classes as an adult, if you fail a test, your thought is, hell, I got a job. Tell you what I should have done, should have taken a class in cell phones and technology. God, I am so far behind the eight ball on this. I know now what my dad felt like when VCRs first came out. When your parents do that, just stare at it like, what's that blinking red light? That's the time, you have to set the time. I don't get it. That's me now, I'm telling you all the time. Like a buddy of mine called me, I was in this football pool and he was ahead of it and he said, I'm gonna Venmo you your money. I said, what? What the hell's Venmo? He goes, that's how I'm gonna send you your money. I go, you might as well burn it because I have no idea how to get it, so. I don't understand this stuff. The only technology that I really like and it's amazing to me is Uber. It's insane, it's magical. I could be anywhere in the world. I can call my wife, 10 minutes later, a car picks me up and takes me to where I want to go and the guy doesn't ask me for money. It's amazing. And now with this, oh my God, here's the other one. This is the other one that drives me crazy. All these acronyms they're using now, like nobody talks anymore. It's all in these like, I know what LOL and FYI is, but like other than that, I'm out. If you're under 50 years old and you're texting me, there's a real good chance I have no idea what you're talking about. I texted with my daughter for three years before I realized that IDK meant I don't know. I thought it was short for stupid. So I would text her and say, hey, miss you. When are you coming home? She'd put IDK. I'm like, well, stay on then. I don't care if you think I'm stupid. I don't give a damn. Yeah, I would say, we miss you, baby. When are you coming back? And she would type IDK, MU, and the number two. And I'm like, IDK, MU, two, me, me. And I go, yeah, what the hell is she saying? She's saying, I don't know, but I miss you too. And that was so sweet. And I wish I'd have known that before I wrote her out of the will. Should have taken a class in cell phones and technology. Oh my God, I am so far behind the eight ball on this. I know now what my dad felt like when VCRs first came out. When your parents do that, just stare at it like, what's that blinking red light? That's the time, you have to set the time. I don't get it. That's me now. I'm telling you all the time. Like a buddy of mine called me. I was in this football pool and he was ahead of it. And he said, I'm gonna Venmo you your money. I said, what, what the hell's Venmo? He goes, that's how I'm gonna send you your money. I go, you might as well burn it cause I have no idea how to get it. So I don't, I don't understand this stuff. The only technology that I really like and it's amazing to me is Uber. It's insane, it's magical. I could be anywhere in the world. I can call my wife, 10 minutes later, a car picks me up and takes me to where I want to go. And the guy doesn't ask me for money. It's amazing. And now what they, oh my God, here's the other one. This is the other one that drives me crazy. All these acronyms are using now, like, you know, like nobody talks anymore. It's all in these, like, I know what LOL and FYI is, but like, other than that, I'm out. If you're under 50 years old and you're texting me, there's a real good chance I have no idea what you're talking about. I texted with my daughter for three years before I realized that IDK meant, I don't know. I thought it was short for stupid. So I would text her and say, hey, miss you, when are you coming home? She'd put IDK. I'm like, well, stay on with it. I don't care if you think I'm stupid. I don't give a damn. Yeah, I would say, we miss you, baby. When are you coming back? And she would type IDK, MU, and the number two. And I'm like, I-da-moo-mu-to-me-me. And I go, yeah, what the hell is she saying? She's saying, I don't know, but I miss you too. And that was so sweet. And I wish I'd have known that before I wrote her out of the will. I hate them. I had a buddy that was at the World Series game. He texted me, his text said, WIWH. And I wrote back, what? He goes, wish you were here. And I said, yeah, me too. So I could smack you in the back of the head. Talk like a damn adult. They say, oh, it saves time. No, it doesn't, because it costs me double the time trying to figure out what the hell you're saying. The only other one I know is WTF. And I think we all know that one. But sadly, that's how all my texts end. I don't know what WTF you're talking about. Goodbye. And cell phones, oh my God. You know what would be a dream for me? Is if we could all walk in mass down to the Great Salt Lake, and you all could watch me just dunk that cell phone in the water. I hate these things. I hate them. And I'm gonna show my, remember the old days? Oh, they were so much fun. Remember answering machines? You come in, the light wasn't flashing. You didn't have friends, you didn't care. Or remember you'd call somebody, they didn't answer. You go, I'll call them back later on today. Nowadays, we gotta know where everybody is 24 hours a day. It drives me nuts. I got a buddy. Maybe you've got a friend like this. I could be sitting on the toilet, and I'll hear his ringtone go off, and I go, oh, I'll call him back later. As soon as the phone stops ringing, my phone goes bing. And it's him texting me, saying, don't you hear me calling you? Do you got a friend like that? Okay, do what I did next time. Send him a picture of you sitting on the crapper. And type, still wanna chat? WTF. Oh my God, I hate these things. But they've got us. They've got us, gang. We're all hooked. As my granddad used to say, the toothpaste is out of the tube. We can't go back. I mean, it's insanity. I've made a new rule that when I go play golf, I don't take my cell phone with me. And sure enough, I'll get home, and Gail will go, I tried calling you. I go, did you hear it ringing in the house? That would be, I'm not here. I don't know what the addiction is. I hate knowing that. And we all, have you ever lost your cell phone? Oh my God. It's like a family member passed away. People bring over casseroles. They're so sorry. Or maybe you should wait a little bit before you get a new one. Yeah, just deal with this one first. It's insane what we do. Have you ever done this? This is when I knew I was, you're sitting in your favorite chair. Cell phone's sitting right there. It don't ring, buzz, chirp, nothing. And you catch yourself doing this. What are we looking for? We'd have heard it ring. I'd be willing to bet you a significant amount of cash that before cell phones, not once, did you ever walk over to the wall phone and go, yep, still got a dial tone, we're good. They got us, they got us, man. And I know where my hatred of cell phones comes from. I know, there's two incidents. One, a buddy of mine got into my phone. I don't know how he did that. But he got in my phone and he changed my autocorrect. So every time I would type the letter I, it came up Big Billy. So if I text you and said, hey, can I stop by your house later? It came out, hey, can Big Billy stop by your house later? And then you'd read it and go, what a jackass. Who calls himself Big Billy? And then I'd see it and text you back and go, look, I don't really call myself Big Billy. But then that came out, look, Big Billy really didn't call himself Big Billy. I couldn't get it off my phone. I had to go to a phone store and have a 17 year old kid fix my phone. Well, while he's fixing my phone, I'm telling him the story. And he goes, well, I can help you get back at your buddy. I said, I'm all ears. He said, can you get in his phone? I said, oh yeah. I said, everybody gets in his phone. He's an idiot. He tells everybody his code. And I'll tell y'all, it's 2337. If you look at it, it spells out beer. Now don't think for one second there's not somebody in this theater going, you know what? That's not too damn bad actually.