Annie Edison being a real sociopath for 23 minutes

We're sorry and we love you? Nice uncontrollable question mark, Britta. You can't even fake it! Dean, we're sorry and we love you. Super realistic, Annie. You're a real sociopath. The Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, I've given almost two weeks of my life to an idiot. That is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius. And I will die protecting his vision. Britta, you're not planning my wedding. What if Annie helps? Oh, hey guys! Did someone say Annie, help, wedding, and something about maybe hydrangeas? I can't help but notice the sorry lack of terrariums. We didn't have time to finish. Here's mine. When did you even have time to do that? You're pathological. It's too late for flattery. Everyone should just have fun. Then again, what's more fun than winning? Is that why you hate your wife? Withdrawn? Is that why you drink and pop pills? Withdrawn? Are you a virgin? Withdrawn! Jeff, knock it off. You're not running sincerely. You're not even interested in student government. I know, and yet the people love me. It's almost as if politics were a huge joke. Okay, look, I'm sorry I asked you to hang my flyers, but I suggest you drop out right now, because if not only will I beat you, I will make you cry. I know how scary a failing grade can be, but this one dead yam won't tarnish a record. What will tarnish it is lying to your class, to your teacher, and to me, the American citizen you've sworn to protect. Disappointing me. Diffuse the I.E.D. of dishonesty. It was an accident. I just wanted to look at your yam, but when I picked up the jar, it burnt me and I dropped it. Booyah! An audiovisual presentation, Dean? Oh, well, that sounds interesting. What's your presentation, Annie? My presentation is a copy of Jeff Winger's 1997 audition tape for MTV's The Real World. What? Let's just roll it. Hey, I'm Jeff Winger, and I'd love to be on MTV's Real World Seattle, so check this out. He was horny, so he dropped him. Man is evil! Greendale wins! So mean to Chang. I don't know what to do. You could just drop out of the play. Well, you know, I could. Or Chang could. I mean, the director's not being mean to me. But you talked Chang into auditioning, and then you got his part, and now he's suffering. You're right. I should threaten to quit. Or just quit. Well, if I threaten to quit, maybe that will be enough for him to stop abusing Chang. Damn it, Annie, don't do this. Whatever you've got in your butt, can we get it out later? Good night. Before this is over. You're just like all the people that... What, the people that put you here? The people in the big machine that made you fail? You went from being a cop to teaching criminology because of the system, right? Unfortunately for Greendale, you have to prove it by getting nothing done. Well, here's a bulletin for you. Annie Edison doesn't get nothing done. Tell me, Dean, when I refer to you in my article, would you prefer imbecile or incompetent? I prefer incompetent, but what I really want is... It doesn't matter what you want. The people want the truth. I have to give it to them. And I won't let anyone stand in my way. Okay, what do you want? Excuse me? Tell us what we can do for you so that you can do this for us. Oh, cool. I didn't know it could work that way. I guess I could use decent parking. Right now, they make me park in Annex B like a... lunch lady. Our committee can talk to parking. But, Debra, let's be clear. I want everything to get through that porn blocker. What do you mean, everything? Everything! Understood. Would you like my help? Have you learned anything? Don't question rules. Rules are good. I'm bad. All hail Annie. Thank you. Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name. Hey, you're really mean. Put it in a letter, Jane Austen. Is it cool if I poop? No, Anthony, just cut the carrots. Wow, it really is easy to raise money when you sell out your gender. I'm sure it's even easier when you're not standing next to this. Hey, jerk, you're stupid. Give me money. I know more than you. Oh, I don't know anything. I need boys. Saving the planet makes my back hurt. I obviously don't need guys for anything. That's why I wear stripper boots during the day and eat only celery and mustard for lunch. Oh, I never stop smiling. I never start. My sweaters keep shrinking. I get up an hour early to ever so slightly curl my hair. Oh, free notebooks. But the family's success started to go to their heads. They didn't have college ruled? No, sorry. It's okay. Isn't Jang's play tonight? If any of you go, you're supporting abuse. Oh, dial it back, Annie. We rewind it and start over. Okay, I'll allow it. No, it's okay. We gave it our best shot, no? I'm sorry, Rachel. Is this your home? Oh, God, no, I'm sorry. Well, this is what we're playing. But it doesn't make any sense. Oh, sounds like Anthony wants to forfeit. He doesn't. I was kind of born to act, Britta. And when I do it, I can feel it pleasing the universe. That's... dramatic. See? Annie! Oh, my God! You shot him! Of course I shot him! He was being dishonest! What the hell is going on here? Suddenly our marriage isn't worth repairing? What? Wait! Nigel is married? Y'all are so nice to this town. I'm Caroline. From Corpus Christi. Grew up on a trout farm. Doodly-doo. Oh, man, I can't believe we got robbed! Who can really be sure what happened in this apartment? Maybe you attacked one of us. Oh, really? What are the signs of struggle? Oh! You were full of scotch when things took a dark turn. We'd all heard about your troubles with coeds back at Oxford, but it was becoming all too real. As you lumbered around the room, we had to assume you were coming after me or Britta! Well, there's no sign of forced entry on your door or windows. You're sure it wasn't just misplaced? Someone definitely broke in. Some of my jewelry is missing. You sure about that, Annie? My necklace! It was gold. White gold. With emeralds. And my name engraved in Hebrew. It was a bat mitzvah gift from my nana. She was a rock cat. She married a cow. He was blind. He loved her for her mind. We come all this way and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I am sick of it, Jeff Nigel Winger! Uh... I gotta go get ready. Troy, wait! I have to tell you. My appendix is bursting. What? Yeah. Yeah. My appendix is bursting. Jeff! What are you doing? Why do you have a real gun? Why did you shoot the dean? Well, he shot you! Not really! He and I were in on this from the start. When he found out you were faking a class, he came to me and we cooked up this whole conspiracy thing to illustrate the slippery slope of academic fraud. Is it there? Does he have the DVD? The what? The DVD. He has it, all right! And it looks like he broke it! Who are you? Miss Edison, is it true you once secretly dosed the members of your study group with a pharmaceutical amphetamine? Uh-huh. Oh, I guess kind of. What? It sounds worse on paper than it was. We were cramming for the anthro final. Everyone was falling asleep. I put five milligrams of something-something in your coffees and we all got an A. Done! He's giving us a C-minus! Right! A C-minus is not a failing grade! To me it is! I'm on a valedictorian track and a C-minus means I fail to get valedictorian! You ruined our Christmas dinner so you could be crowned the smartest person at the dumbest school? Why don't you go and tell our subjects that we're going to be starting the experiment in five minutes, okay? And Annie, it's never actually going to start. Why even take the exam? We're all going to be retaking Spanish this fall. What was that? What was what? I don't know. I said retake Spanish and everyone went, uh, and you went, hmm. Maybe it's one of those recessive genes. I can also curl my tongue. Who else? Annie read it. I'm trying. Please! You're becoming animals! Oh, shut up! We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you! That's not true! We weren't supposed to be in here when it happened! When what happened? When we got toad? How did you know we were going to get toad? I set it up. I called City College about transferring and the dean told me that he would get me in if I helped sabotage Greendale's launch. I was supposed to make sure nobody was around so that they could steal it. And then you guys were late and then... What? You made this happen because you're obsessed with all of us being together next year. I wouldn't say I was obsessed. Permission to treat the witnesses hostile? I'll allow it. Did you record yesterday's Spanish class? I don't think so. Abed? You said you record all your classes. Pierce called it a spoiler alert. You heard Chang tell me he was bogus and then dropped the dime because you would do anything to keep this group together because you are insecure. Fine! I did it. For real, Annie? Someone make her a dude so I can punch her. Go ahead and hate me. It's better than what was going to happen. We were all going to drift apart and you were all too cool to do anything. Maybe not too cool. Maybe just not psycho enough. This won't work. The last time you did this, I saved a vial of your tears and have been slowly building up an immunity. I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic. This party is a second chance to be hip, cool, laid back. Thank you. I'm putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups. How about you, Abed? It's tomorrow. Tomorrow? They're showing all four Indiana Joneses at the Vista. I'm really looking forward to the first three. I bought a whip. This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend. I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe. They never really had stories together. Sure, I'll do it, Chandler. Mr. Rad plans to get every single member of our study group to join the Glee Club. I don't know how he thinks that's going to happen. I'll show you. What? This is just one of the many costume changes I'll be doing during the show. We're shooing for regionals, right? Annie, you too? This is beneath you. You are an intelligent woman. Also, you're Jewish. I guess I have a lot to learn about holiday tradition. Teach me how to understand Christmas. And the pelicans are covered in oil. Everyone likes pelicans. They bring babies. That's storks. Right. Well, we still like them. Yeah, we do. I'm going to give you another 20. Thank you so much. Now she's going to make the Disney face. Her lip is going to quiver and her eyes will flutter, but they won't ever actually close. But do not feel sorry for her. She stole a year of our lives and we're right to be pissed. Oh, Annie. No. No. Everyone close their eyes. Do it. Close them. I bet close. Don't worry about me. I can only connect with people through movies. She's the Ark of the Covenant. I joined a campus volunteer group that cleans the city. We picked up litter on the freeway and dredged the river. Dredge it for what? You know, garbage and stuff. Tires, condoms, needles. At one point we found a finger. It's a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan. Do you really want to see the horrors we might have to endure just to get on a boat? I guess not. That's a lie. Guys, I'm asking. As treasurer of the forensics club, the dean said we could use some of the whale money for a new body farm. Who wants to help? I transferred to forensics late and got the worst classes. Skull fragment collection, advanced-advanced decomp, and intro to senselessness were all full. I got this from Professor Hickey. What the hell? He gave you a dead rat? No, this is my witness intimidation project. He gave me this. A-minus. Oh my gosh, you guys! There's a class called basic grifting. Should we all learn how to be grifters together? Happy birthday. What are you two doing? We're doing Annie's missing lover footage. You know in movies where the hero's wife or girlfriend is dead or missing and so he sits in the dark and he watches her in a whole movie or hologram over and over and she's always beautiful and full of love almost to the point of being stupid. We're making footage like that for me in case I get kidnapped or murdered. You're stealing from me! And as your roommate, you're making me an accomplice. I had no idea. Lie. Why would I even try that? State your name, please, miss. Annie Edison. Miss Edison, did you use your exceptional intelligence and organizational skills to plot the foolproof murder of Pierce Hawthorne? And no. She ripped into his torso like a gerbil shredding a Quaker oats box, sending chunks of viscera and an aerosol mist of blood all over the skinky concubine. Then she flossed her teeth with his tendons and because he was a vampire, he lived through all of it. He had to watch her swallow his last eyeball. She kept it attached to the optic nerve so he could see down her throat to his own partially digested flesh in her stomach. Guys, did you hear? The history of ice cream class had another heart attack. Three more, and we're all in. Stay back, psychos! The prize goes to the last man standing. So to speak. Take that, blowgun scum! You'll blowgun me for this later. Oh my god! Accidents! What are you doing? Yeah, from axe wounds! Let me explain. Oh my god. I didn't know what to do. Oh my god. Pierce, you can't sneak up on me like that. When I'm startled, my training takes over. Hello! Ready? Heather, I'm sorry. Don't turn somebody over. Aim. Fire. Holy crap. Not cool, bitch. Yeah, so you told me at last year's tryouts. I don't understand. Who is she? Why is she holding a rag? Where were you last night? At a bar. Called it. Who can confirm that? Your mama. What? Go win that poppin' lock-a-thon. I'll see you Monday. It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers. But what more can we do? Would you stop? Our next caller is Annie E. What's on your mind tonight, Annie? Hey guys. Long time. First time. Love the show. Appreciate you. How can we help? You can sit up and go to sleep! I keep bringing pens, and you guys keep taking them, and I'm- Okay. Well, now Annie has made it clear that this is an issue, so from now on, we need to be more respectful of our things. Okay? Okay. Cool. Okay. This has to go to me, because I am most likely to succeed. This is fact. It is now. And the winner is Troy Barnes! You have got to be kidding me! Troy Barnes? Most likely to succeed? I'm the damn valedictorian and head of student council and president of Campus Crusade for Christ, and I'm Jewish! Let it go! I'm a female student being physically overpowered by a male teacher! Oh yeah? You think this is fun? Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model UN, much like the real UN, quickly falls apart when faced with actual- People aren't playthings, Annie. No, they are not. Well, look who's talking. After everything you put me through? Where'd you get that gun? There are only three prop guns. Well, I live in a terrible neighborhood. Annie, put the gun down. And you are just some mindless robot! I'm sorry? Do you go to my school? I've never gotten a zero before. Assuming that one of us does have the pen, who among us has the most incentive to make sure it never sees the light of day? You wanna go there? Yeah, I'll go there. Okay. I was born there, really. There's a placard there commemorating me! What's going on and how can I help? Annie, relax. No, you relax, Jeff. Or are you scared that if you do, my pen will fall out? You precocious little bitch! Okay, guys, guys, hey! Guys, stop! You're being completely illogical! I waited all summer to see you. You buried me like a shameful secret! What's the matter, Jeff? Afraid crazy Annie would go crazy for you? Well, guess what? Annie's got a gun! Annie, just put the gun down! Ah! I'm just saying there's always gonna be a need for law at Greendale. You remember the ass-crack bandit? Yeah. Do I remember? I mean, doesn't everybody? Could've been anybody.