Why Modern Love Feels Harder Than Ever (And What to Do About It)

Because there are these narratives that, you know, marriage and family should happen in your late 20s, early 30s, that people that are 34, 35, 36 and haven't found that partner yet or haven't gotten married yet, we do feel behind. I know meeting Rob at 34, I did feel behind in that and it is because we have all this pressure and expectation of it having to happen at a certain time. If you guys are like me and wanting to be more mindful about what's in your products, how many toxins are in your products, and making sure that you're putting good things on your skin and into your body, I highly recommend Osea. I did a total revamp on all my products and this is one I have been using and now is a staple in my bathroom. I particularly love their Ocean Eyes Age Defining Serum. I feel like I don't have bags under my eyes anymore and I just feel really good putting this on my skin, knowing something good is going on my skin and into my body. So if you want to check out Osea's products, use our code QTCPOD10 to get 10% off your first purchase. Okay. Hi guys. Welcome back to Quiet the Clock. Today, we're going to do a little bit of a different episode. We pulled some stats on dating that we're going to share with you and talk a little through kind of what I feel like these stats mean, what these stats are saying. So I'm going to refer to my note cards a lot here because I clearly didn't remember all of the stats. So one of the surveys that we looked at is a Forbes survey which surveyed 5,000 Americans. This said 64% of those surveys were actively dating, 36% not actively dating, and 45% of people surveyed reported online dating apps to be the top spot for meeting somebody. What's interesting is kind of what I think I'm seeing is a trend of more people not actively dating and I think that percentage of 36% is kind of a large percentage of people not dating. And I think what's happening is people are burnt out from dating. I think people are disappointed in online dating. I think it can be very discouraging for people. And so, you know, even personally in my practice with my clients, I have seen them be really kind of overwhelmed and disappointed with online dating. And if that is like the largest percent of where people are meeting each other, it can be really discouraging. So I'm kind of not surprised by the 36% of people not actively dating. 60%, this is interesting, 60% of those surveyed feel that, this is interesting, very or somewhat positive about dating. That's not really what I'm seeing in kind of the conversations I'm having or the clients that I'm speaking to. This is even more interesting fact is 68% of men feel more positively about dating than women. So 68% to 55% of women. That's interesting to think about why that is the stat. One, I think 60% of people having positive feelings for dating is not really what I'm seeing. So I'm kind of curious, like I'd love for people to really kind of write in after listening to this episode and get an opinion and an idea of what you think of these stats. Because I'm kind of surprised by that one. What I hear a lot is again, a lot of disappointment, a lot of negativity around dating. And again, I don't think that mindset is very helpful as you approach dating. I really encourage people to have fun with it, you know, approach it in a way that can be a learning experience, whether or not it's your person or a decent date, like what can you take from it? I don't think there's anything really productive about having such a negative mindset around dating. I think it's important to validate where it's difficult or where it's disappointing, but still trying to approach it with some positivity. But I'm surprised by that 60% because I feel like it's less than that, the people that feel positively about it. And it's really interesting. I'd be curious to hear people's thoughts on men feeling more positively about dating than women. And my first thought is that I hear a lot of disappointment from women about how men are approaching dating. And if you haven't listened to any of the episodes with Benny Hart, I think that's a good place to kind of hear more about these dynamics. We have two episodes with him that are just really, really great. So 60% feel positively about dating, 23% feel indifferent, 13% negative. Again, I thought that negative would be way higher. Indifferent is interesting. I could see that too. Those are probably the people that may be not actively dating or not desiring dating or maybe taking a break from dating right now. But I would have expected to see those numbers flip-flopped, 60% negative, 13% positive. Also it came out of the survey with 45% of people reporting online dating apps as being the top spot for meeting someone. There were pros and cons to dating online. The pros being access, options, and control over how you date. I think there's something to be said about having too many options. And negative aspects being emotional fatigue, illusion of endless options, like I said, transactional mindset, hindering deeper connection. That's really interesting to think about. I haven't been on the dating apps in over 10 years, probably more than that. So I'm curious about if that's the feeling, if it is transactional, if it feels like there is this barrier to deeper connection and to really getting to know somebody. What I hear from clients is a lot, you know, I think this, again, this is a fortunate place to be in, but there's just a plethora of messages and matches. And I know not everybody is in that situation, but that it becomes really overwhelming. And I could see that being a place where it would hinder deeper connection because it's just how do you even get through all the messages? How do you even respond to people? How do you even know who might be a good match? So maybe in those larger numbers, like bigger amount of options, like you're missing out on someone that might be really good. So I personally would love to see people meeting more in the wild. While online dating is a resource, I don't think it should be the only resource. And I do think there's a lot of negative elements to it that make people feel discouraged, make people feel overwhelmed, make people feel really burnt out. So I always suggested people like using it all as a resource, but not the only resource to meet people. And I think it becomes problematic and a little bit harmful when we're relying too heavily on online dating to be the only avenue to meet people. So that's some of the things from Forbes survey. Again, I'd be curious what people think about these percentages. There's some things to me that make sense, and there's some things to me that I'm surprised by. Okay, these stats are from a 2025 Matches Singles in America survey. This surveyed 5,000 singles, 46% ready for a long-term relationship. So then less than half, less than half people. So what I'm taking from this is that less than half of people are ready for a long-term relationship. And I'm curious, like these surveys that we looked at didn't really go into why these are the numbers. So I'm kind of just speculating myself. I think right now there is a lack of commitment, a lack of vulnerability that again also hinders deeper connection. I think there's a lack of clarity on what people actually want. I think there's fear on people being upfront about what they actually want. So I think because of the things maybe people are telling themselves they don't want a long-term relationship or actually people don't want a long-term relationship. And I'm curious why that would be. That would be a good question to put out to the audience is like, if you are someone that does not want a long-term relationship right now, why is that? I want to also say there's nothing wrong with that. I think honoring what you really want at this stage in your life is so important. And if you don't want a long-term relationship, that's totally okay. I think if you're someone that doesn't want a long-term relationship, but you're actively dating, I'd be curious to know that stat. I think it's important that you be really upfront about somebody who might actually end up on a date with someone that wants a long-term relationship. So I think honesty about what you really want is important. I thought this was an interesting stat. And one that I actually thought would be higher is 8% of people surveyed feel like being single is socially frowned upon. I can see that. I can see how it's interesting. I was talking about this today. I'm rewatching Sex and the City and there was a whole episode on single women and kind of blanking on what that episode really conveyed. But I do think there can be this stigma around somebody that is single. And I think as a society, we don't totally embrace that as something that is socially acceptable and okay. We always assume something is wrong with you. And I know when I was single, I always got the question of like, why are you single? As if it was something that was so horribly wrong, I think it's a narrative that we need to rewrite because some people, and we're going to get to this because there's some stats on this too. Some people are single by choice. And that's totally okay. I think we should celebrate singleness. I think we should move away from these ideas that mean something is wrong with you or you're not successful or you haven't accomplished this milestone of being in a partnership. But I agree with these people who were surveyed that felt this. And I think that percentage is potentially higher than 8%. Let's see. Okay. Of the people... I don't know what the stat means. Sorry, I wrote this down, but now I don't know what it means. People under 30 was the highest percentage of people single, so 47%. So people under 30 are the most single, 30 to 49, 25% of men were single, 17% of women were single. Again, I'm curious. Again, I wish these articles and these surveys went into why that is the stat or what is the reason. Why is men the largest percent of people that are single and women? Is it because they can't commit? Is it because they don't want long-term relationships? I'm curious about. And again, that's the age range of 30 to 49. If anybody has any ideas on that, send them in. Okay. As of 2021, 25% of 40-year-olds are not married in comparison to 6% in 1980. So in 1980, 6% of 40-year-olds were single versus as of 2021, 25% of 40-year-olds not married. And that's a 400% increase. That's really curious to me, makes sense to me. I think that there's been this shift in sort of commitment. And I know for me, my parents got married in their early 20s. And I think there is something to, one, the online dating and two, the plethora of options. I think we adopt this mentality that someone is always better, so we don't invest time in them. We don't invest time in getting to know them. I always hear this, like if someone doesn't feel the spark on date one or date two, they're on to the next person. And I think more maybe in the 1980s, it was like you met one person, you dated one person, you invested in getting to know them, and you didn't kind of just give up if it wasn't like sparks and amazing and great. So that's really a telling stat that there's this 400% increase in 40-year-olds not being married. I think the other thing as a non-married person, I think we've also, maybe just, I don't know. I was going to say we've made it more socially acceptable to be in a committed partnership and not married, but I don't know if that's actually the case, because what happens for me a lot is people will just naturally assume that Rob and I are married because we live together, because we've been in a long-term relationship, because we have a son together. And really, it's a triggering point for me. It's a real pet peeve when people will just call him my husband when he's not. But I wonder if that contributes to this percentage, is that are more people just not getting married? Are people making the choice not to get married? Are people in long-term relationships and just choosing not to do that and have certain feelings on maybe not needing a piece of paper to validate their relationship or not needing to go down that route of getting married? But I think there's definitely, and there's more room for improvement, but there's definitely been this societal shift of you don't have to get married. You can be in a relationship, or you can just be single, that you don't have to do these things. This survey also explored what matters most in dating. These are interesting. Okay, ready for these. 90% said sexual chemistry. Of that 90%, 72% say they can determine that sexual chemistry within three dates. So I think this, again, is the spark, this sexual attraction. It's kind of disappointing to see that be such a large percentage and not be the thing that is most important in dating. What that says to me is those people are not maybe necessarily looking for a long-term committed connection and partnership, but that's a very large percentage, so that's a little curious and that's a little concerning. Next at 48% was kindness. I think that's a great one. I think that is something that should matter in dating. After that is kindness. I guess what I would say is significant to sexual chemistry is physical attraction. I guess those two things can be different. You can be physically attractive, but maybe not have sexual chemistry. But again, such a large percent, and 35% is shared values. So of the top, it's physical attraction, sexual attraction. After that, it's kindness and shared values. I think if you're someone looking for a long-term relationship, that should be flip-flopped. I think kindness and values, shared values, should be at the top. Again, the article didn't really break down if these are people that want to be in a committed relationship. As I'm looking at this data and these stats, I would say if people are prioritizing sexual chemistry, and I'm not saying that sexual chemistry is not important in relationships, it definitely, definitely, definitely is. Should it be 90% of what matters most? Maybe not. Okay, what's next? Ah, okay. Maybe this speaks to some of this. Among millennials, 64% want committed relationships, 39% open to casual dating, and 52% feel behind in their life goals in regard to marriage and children. Wow. Well, feeling behind in life and timelines and societal expectations and milestones is everything that we talk about right here. So that's a really interesting percentage to look at, that more than half of the people surveyed feel behind in life goals in regard to marriage and children. I think a lot of people feel that way, but I think, again, we need to rewrite these narratives that those things have to happen by a certain age. But because there are these narratives that marriage and family should happen in your late 20s, early 30s, that people that are 34, 35, 36, and haven't found that partner yet or haven't gotten married yet, we do feel behind. I know meeting Rob at 34, I did feel behind in that, and it is because we have all this pressure and expectation of it having to happen at a certain time. So to hear that half of these people surveyed feel that way makes complete sense to me. Again, it probably is a percentage that I would imagine being a little bit higher than that. But again, that's why it's so important to be rewriting these narratives, rewriting these societal expectations and timelines, because I would love to see that percentage a lot lower. I would really love us to start adopting ideas like 35 is not late, 36 is not late, 37 is not late. Whenever you're about to meet your person is your own timeline instead of us comparing to this one arbitrary timeline that's supposed to apply to everybody. Other dating trends that came out of this survey, 53% reported dating burnout. Okay, who out there is feeling dating burnout? I had so many clients that felt this, especially because of the online dating and just the overwhelm of it. I think also this pressure to always be on there and always be swiping and always be responding and making sure you're going out on dates. And when you couple that with the timeline pressure, I had so many clients that were so burned out and because they were so burned out, they were not showing up on dates in a place that was authentically themself, really showing full self. They were kind of showing this maybe negative, burnt out, overwhelmed version of themselves, which is not the best place to date from at all. But yeah, I'm not surprised by that number. Again, I think it would be a lot higher than 53%. If you're someone that's feeling burnout, my suggestion is you have to take a break. If you're feeling that burnout, it's telling you something. It's telling you you're not enjoying it. It's telling you it's stressing you out. It's telling you you're putting too much pressure on the dating. And again, it's really possible that you're not showing up with your best self on these dates. And I know a lot of my clients that was feeling this burnout was like, I have to keep going. I have to keep going. I'm losing time. I'm wasting time. When really, in reality, the best use of the time was take the break and regroup. And there's actually a stat on this. Okay, 53 reported burnout, 46 took breaks to recharge. And of that 40%, 64% came back with clear idea of what they want. So, that stat validates exactly what I'm saying is that if you're feeling that burnout, the best, best thing you can do for yourself is take a break, is to regroup, to get regrounded in yourself, get really clear on what you want, and maybe even think about when you return to dating, how can you approach it differently so you don't get to a place of burnout? How can you approach it differently so maybe that you have more fun with it, that you are more positive about it, that you have a better mindset on it that will actually set you up for success, if success is a long-term relationship. Okay, this was another interesting fact that came out of the survey, 63% find that there is more passivity in making the first move, as there is more uncertainty on what people want. I definitely, definitely see that. And that's a large percentage. I definitely see so much fear around people being really clear in what they want. Majority, I work with women, and women that I see that are still in the dating scene, is there is this real fear to be upfront about what they want, and by when, and what they're looking for. And so they delay saying that, right? And that is really passive. We're not being upfront and very clear and proactive about what you want and asserting what you want. So there is this passivity of like, it's too scary to say what I want, if I say what I want, it'll scare them away. But then what happens is you find yourself in the situation that like no one's being clear about what they want. And it's so uncertain, and that uncertainty creates a lot of anxiety. That anxiety creates like bad experience with dating. So I think we need to see that percentage a lot lower. I would love to see that like under 20%. I think passivity and dating serves no one. And all it does is make things really uncertain, really unclear, makes you question everything, probably triggers your anxious attachment, like questioning yourself. So I think more directness and vulnerability in dating is totally needed. Okay, what else? Dating and mental health. Okay, this is everything that I care about. I think a lot of things that we talked about definitely impacts our mental health. The burnout, the anxiety, anxious attachment, questioning. I know when I was dating, and I would have both, I would have, maybe I can do a whole episode on this, but I, I could do a whole episode on this, but I had both, and some people do, like avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. And when I was in my anxious attachment, like I questioned everything. If I didn't hear from someone, I spiraled out. If they texted me, I like thought this like, oh God, I'm like cringing thinking about being in this space. But I like overthought everything that I would text and what I would say and how should I say it and should I text them or not. And when I met Rob, like all of that was out the window. But in this survey specifically, we talked about dating and mental health in relation to ghosting. Okay, ghosting is something I hate so, so much. I do not understand why people do this. I do not understand how it is so hard to send like one little text saying it's not a fit. I wasn't feeling it, whatever. Like everybody, if you have to hide behind your phone and text, fine, just do it. I just feel like the texting is so emotionally harmful to people and it doesn't do anything at all to help them. So if you're a ghoster out there, just like please stop. Please just send like a two sentence text and like just say, category time, not interested in moving forward. But what this survey said is 50% of the people felt very upset by ghosting, 39% felt inadequate. Totally, like that totally comes out because what happens is we create our own narratives around why they're not texting, why we're not hearing back from them. Like then we personalize, internalize it, that we did something wrong, like we weren't good enough, they didn't want us, which maybe sometimes that's it, but maybe it's something completely different, but you'll never know because you get ghosted and you get no closure on it. 22% felt angry. I could see people feeling all of those things. I'm sure I felt all of those things. The other thing that this survey pointed out is 47% felt stressed about love life. Again, I would think that'd be a higher percentage. Again, this is like just one survey of 5,000 people, but I think a lot of people feel stressed about their love life. I think again, the time pressure is so huge, feeling like you're running out of time or you missed the boat or you're too late or you're watching everybody else around you meet other people and you haven't and wondering when it's going to happen for you and why it hasn't happened for you yet. I think if you're in that space, there's a real opportunity to embrace your own timeline and change your perspective on why it hasn't happened yet and maybe understanding and having some gratitude of like, okay, it hasn't happened yet, but these are the experiences I've had or here's how I've grown so much and how I understand myself more and through my dating experiences, I understand more about what type of partner I want or what type of partner I want to be. So really there's a huge opportunity here to remove the stress, especially if you can take away the timeline pressure and I know that's very difficult to do, but that pressure does not help us in dating and dating from a stressed out place does not help us either. And I know these two things are very different, but going through a fertility journey and being so stressed about that did not help me at all. So if there's a way to remove the stress again, if you're in burnout, that's very stressful. Maybe it is time for you to take a break and step back. But I think a lot of people are walking around stressed about their love life and it's difficult out there. I totally validate that. But I think there are ways to remove the pressure and remove the stress and have a more enjoyable experience with dating. Oh, this kind of validates kind of the stress piece. There was a Tinder survey of 8,000 heterosexual people from the US, UK, Canada, and Australia of this survey, 91% men and 94% of women say dating environment is way more difficult than ever. Totally believe that. I think those percentages are very accurate. I think a lot of people feel that way. It's a very difficult landscape. I think again, people are really disappointed by their dating experiences. Okay, another fact, where people meet, 45% apps, 33% friends, 32% concerts, festivals, or I guess I would say out in the wild, and 27% social media. So if you take the percentage of apps and social media, that's like, again, the largest percent of people are meeting online. I think that is problematic. Obviously huge results of dating apps and COVID. But I would love to see the friends percentage and the concert or like, again, dating in the wild, be way larger percentages. Again, check out Benny's episodes, he gives really great advice about how to like meet out in the wild and the little tips and things you can do to invite engagement, invite someone to come over and speak with you. I think again, we've lost those social skills due to so much of this being now online. So I understand that people are probably nervous or anxious, but I think it's an opportunity to move through that and meet people. And again, if you are someone that wants a long term relationship, great. But outside of dating, there's so much opportunity to just make connections in the real world, whether that's a new friend, maybe someone you go on a handful of dates with, and it's just great experience. I think we're missing a huge opportunity to meet people in person because we're so stuck online and I really think we need to get offline. Okay, the last thing that we pulled was from an article on psychology today of lifelong singles. So this is an interesting group. We only pulled like a few things from here, but this article says that people that are lifelong singles, as they get older or happier with their life, in comparison to the people in romantic partnerships, the gauging of happiness was not so straightforward. So they're saying single people, as they grow older, are happier than people in partnerships. Which I could see, I think there's a lot of... Partnership is not easy. I think a lot of people think that once we found the partner, we've solved the problems and it brings all happiness. There's a lot of things that come up in partnership, complications, challenges, conflicts, all these things. So I could see why if you're single, you're happier. You have kind of all this autonomy, all this control over your time, your life, your choices, all of these things. You don't have to deal with the stress of like compromising and maybe sacrificing with another person. I can see this. I'm very happy in my relationship, but I couldn't understand this. Staying single pays off with less loneliness in older age. By age 70, it is the people who marry that are lonelier. Interesting. What I've seen, and I know a lot of our audience are not in that age, but if you're in this place, I think there is a real opportunity and more intentionality in building your social life if you are single. You have more time to be with friends, you have more time to engage in hobbies, maybe more time to travel. And those are very intentional choices and ways to build your social life. I think sometimes in partnership, you do have this commitment to this other person. You obviously want to spend time with them. You probably want to and have to spend time with their family. So your time is not as available as somebody that is single and has more accessibility or options or flexibility in how they spend their time and maybe full choice of how they spend their time. I think there's really something sad to have that flexibility and freedom of your time. And again, even if it's like you don't want to see yourself be a lifelong single person, this is specifically what this article is speaking to. It speaks to this idea that if you are single, you can still be very happy now. If you are someone that wants a long-term relationship and you're single, you can still be happy now. And you can make choices in your life that still bring fulfillment, engagement, and socialization without a relationship yet. Okay, this says, older women who are single are typically doing fine physically and mentally on par with married counterparts. They seek out meaningful relationships and family by choice. Kind of what I was speaking to in these intentional choices you make and how to fill your time and how to be in connection and engagement with other people. Single men don't do as well. I could see that. I'm curious for any men listening if you agree with that or not. I'll take that back. I think these things kind of generalize a bit and you can't generalize. But I think women invest a lot in their female friendships and those can be super fulfilling. And maybe men don't do that as much. But I could have that wrong. I'd be curious for people to kind of weigh in on that. Studies. Okay, this is very, very interesting. Studies predict that the percentage of lifelong singles will increase. Yeah, you know, my thoughts on that is like, I don't really feel like online dating is bringing people together as much as we think that it is. I think technology creates a real disconnect. As a therapist, I really value human connection and people being in engagement with each other. And I just think sometimes online relationships, whether that's like through social media or online dating, don't always translate as like that deeper vulnerable connection. And again, if we're looking at these stats, and that's the largest percent of how people are meeting, and also creates burnout and disconnection and hinders deep communication, deep connection. I could see why this might lead to increase in more people being single as we go on here. I think there's an opportunity to reverse that set. Again, these are just stats. These are general ideas. And obviously, small amounts of people surveyed. So again, these are kind of generalizations and data pulled from different surveys. But I think it does speak to the trends that we're seeing in terms of the majority of people being online dating, people feeling discouraged and burnt out by online dating or dating in general, maybe more of a desire for people to remain single. Definitely like this idea that we talked about of stigma around being single. But I love kind of what came of this too for me is that just because you're single, nothing is wrong with you. And even if you're single, you can still be very happy. And partnership is not the golden ticket to happiness. Kind of some of what these surveys are saying is that some people in relationships are less happy than people that are single. So kind of those are all the stats that we pulled. I'm curious for people to comment, send some questions, some thoughts on what you thought of like this type of episode, what you thought of the data, what do you feel like the data is saying about dating trends and what you are seeing yourself. And I hope you enjoy this episode and come back for more incredible episodes. Thank you. I do not get on a flight anymore without my Bambas compression socks. They are a travel staple for me, especially on longer flights. The socks help improve blood flow from your legs to your heart, which obviously is so essential. I just love these socks so much. And I want you guys to have an opportunity to check out these socks too. So use our code QTC20 for 20% off your first purchase of Bambas. Hey guys, I'm Beth. Thank you so much for tuning into Quiet the Clock. If you want to hear more episodes and learn more about how to dismantle societal timelines, live life on your own terms, live life fully and authentically, subscribe to our channel on YouTube. And you can also follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Quiet the Clock Pod. You guys, I'm really excited. We just created all this amazing merch. And so if you're loving the podcast and you want to support our cause and continue to hear amazing episodes, please support us by buying some merch. I am living in these sweatshirts every day. We have a range of colors. We have hoodies. We have mugs. We have hats. We have journals. We have all the things. And I love having them on because it's just a reminder to quiet the clock, to slow down, to let life unfold and be happy. So there's meaning and purpose behind wearing it too, which is a nice reminder. 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