Billionaires Are Living a 5-Year-Old’s Dream | Jim Gaffigan

Who's your favorite billionaire pretend astronaut? Can you believe there's a choice? And it's not between just two. We live in a day when billionaires are building their own rockets to fly to outer space. And no one's saying, are you sure they're paying all their taxes? I know some teachers that need supplies. It's like these billionaires are trying to execute the plan of a five-year-old boy. When I grow up, I'm going to be a bazillionaire and I'm going to build my own spaceship, fly to outer space. Okay, Jeffrey, but now it's time for bed. I almost feel sorry for the accountants of the billionaires. Cause you know, they were like, you had an amazing year. You made $40 billion, but I fudged the numbers. So it looks like you broke even. As long as you lay low and don't draw attention, we should be fine. You got anything coming up? I built a rocket to fly to outer space. You, you know, I meant to lay low on this planet. Does it matter if the rocket's shaped like a penis? I do enjoy the reasoning of the billionaires for going into space. So like, Oh, I'm going to outer space. So eventually you can go to outer space. I'm going, so you can go. I don't want to go to outer space. I want to go to Italy. Why don't you work on that? I've decided I'm going to stop acting like I understand things. I know nothing about like the stock market. When they talk about the stock market in the news, like the stock market. I normally go, Oh, that's interesting. On the inside. I'm like, saddest part of that in college. I majored in finance. I did. I really did four years, $80,000. I'm so glad this is what I do for a living. But I tell you the pandemic, the pandemic did reveal how important your occupation is to society. And let's just say, stand up comedian, not essential, not even central. They opened up strip clubs before they let us tell a joke. Stay over there. Funny people, ladies. Welcome back. It didn't surprise me. There isn't a time in history when I think I would have been useful. Even in initial civilization, we need someone to gather water, someone to build a housing. Jim, how could you help? I can make fun of those people. It's weird. I work in the entertainment industry and I understand there's a commonly held belief that people that work in show business are narcissists that are grossly overpaid for unimportant jobs. But believe me, it's amazing. Of course, there are some people in the entertainment industry that have unique skills that are properly compensated. I'm talking about once in a generation talents, right? You know, someone like Pat Sajak, former host of Wheel of Fortune. Was there anything Pat Sajak couldn't do? Think about this. He was the host of Wheel of Fortune. He was like a Renaissance man. I'm sure Pat Sajak's a good guy. And I love Wheel of Fortune. I'm not even 80. I love Wheel of Fortune. So when he announced his retirement, I was kind of bummed, you know? And he seems like a good guy. So he probably gathered everyone from the Wheel of Fortune family together. And he was like, I've been doing this for a couple of decades and I've decided to retire. I wish I was there. Cause if I was there, I'd have been like, you know, this isn't a real job, right? You don't get to retire from playing hangman. The appropriate thing to do is to apologize and give back all the money. Cause Pat Sajak had a good gig. You know how much he made a year? $17 million a year. Yeah. That could buy a couple vowels. $17 million. And he didn't even turn the letters. That was probably part of the negotiation. He's like, I can't do everything. So they got Vanna White. He made $17 million. Vanna made $3 million. And I think we'd all agree. They both should make nothing. When he announced his retirement, where the producer's like, oh no, this is awful. Where are we going to find someone to say it's your turn to spin the wheel? The good news, there is good news. Pat Sajak is continuing on as a consultant on the show. I don't know what consulting work. There is on the Wheel of Fortune. Uh, any new letters come out today? No, Pat's still the same 26 letters. All right. Well, I'll, I'll be in my office. I saw a guy this summer at the pool. He was probably 60. He had his shirt off. Not a lot of body hair, all body hair. For a second, I thought they were shooting a Geico commercial. This guy was, he was so hairy. I had to stop my youngest son from trying to pet him. Let him smell your hand first, son. This guy was hairy. And he was walking around the pool with a confidence like he'd spent a lifetime dealing with hairy situations. And no one said anything, but everyone had the same thought. Please don't go in the pool. No one's prepared to see you shake dry. And this man walked right by everyone. He sat down next to an attractive woman. And I was so impressed that woman could look beyond this man's appearance. And focus solely on his wallet. But we all want to be good looking, right? We all want to be chased on the playground, right? Some people go so far as to get plastic surgery. You're like, ah, I don't want to sound desperate, but can you take a knife to my face and make me pretty? Just keep cutting. It's kind of amazing. More of us don't get plastic surgery because we live in a beauty obsessed society, right? There are studies, there was a Harvard study that found that children believe good looking people are nicer. That study also found that children are stupid.