S2E10： New Year’s Eve： Pt 2 - Liza on Demand

Previously on Lies on Demand. Oh my god, it's a list of everything I wanted to accomplish by the year 2020. The best friends with Rachel Lee Cook. So I officially haven't accomplished anything. I'm giving up sugar for New Year's. Do we have a jar of frosting? Oh, donuts. That'll work. Shane just posted that he's going to the party. Look. Tough love time. You're getting ghosted. And now I'm dateless on New Year's Eve. If I don't find someone to kiss, it will literally plunge my year into darkness. Is that contagious? I don't know. Uh, Liza, where's your car? Where the hell is my car? It was right here. Oh my god. Drunk guy. He must have woken up and driven my car home. Oh, geez. I wonder what that's going to do to my rating. You worried about how the drunk guy who stole your car is going to rate you? You think he stole it? No, I think he went and got it detailed, Liza. It's okay. All right, we'll just go inside and call the police and they'll help us find my car. But I can't be that busy on New Year's Eve, right? We've already wasted half our night. I mean, what's the point of paying $250 for a party if we're not even going to get there before midnight? I need to get my kiss. I'm probably going to die in an explosion tonight. If I'm going to die, I want to be next to an ice sculpture and a gyrating go-go boy in a Speedo. I'll figure this out. You'll still make it. Yeah, I know we will. Called another car? The second that we saw your car was gone. Come on, Oliver. You can't just leave. And you don't even know him. You could be shady. At least he still has his car. That's a major improvement from our last driver. Really great in there. It really brought me back. Thank you. Hey, what's going on here? You, uh, are you leaving or is this an I might puke in the street kind of moment? Because that's cool, but these are open to us, so. No, I'm not drunk. I'm an Uber driver. I picked up a drunk guy and he passed out in the back. And so I left him out here while I went inside and now my car's gone. What? That was your first mistake right there. Now, this passenger. Tell me more about him. What was he wearing? What was he drinking? Was he right or left-handed? Think about which hand was on his hand. I don't see how that's important. It's important if you want me to help you find your missing car, Miami. It's Liza. Liza. And I spent six years as the star of CSI, didn't I? All I do is figure out the impossible. That trash can's covered in ejaculate. Don't touch anything. This room is covered in ejaculate. That birthday cake is covered in ejaculate. Oh, she's right. Anyway, Miami, if that person was an Uber passenger, there would be a record of their phone number in the system. Oh, my God, you're right. I can't believe I didn't think of that. I do have seven golden globes. You think he'll answer? I mean, he did steal a car, so... Hello? Um, who is it? It's your Uber driver. Oh, you really shouldn't be talking and driving. It's in the code of conduct. Uh-huh, not driving. But the car's moving and it's... Oh, my... Oh, my God! I've been kidnapped by a ghost or an invisible person. I don't know what it is, but this car is too shitty to be self-driving itself. Help me! Oh, my God. I'm about to boot in the car. No, no, no. Do not boot in my car. Kidnapped? I know where he's headed. Just from that? How? Do you have a permit in your car, Miami? Let's not rule out a ghost kidnapper as a suspect. It's time to strut into this VIP room and show Shane just how fine I'm doing without him. Now, this is my target demo. Gotta hit the ladies before I mingle. Good luck. You too. Love a drink. Oh, a model? No, no, no. Kiss me at midnight? Don't mind if I do. Hottest woman at this party. I mean, you can't just say that. Nice dress. Thanks. Got it at this little shop off Melrose. The sales guy said I was the only one who could really pull it off. It's almost midnight, you rashy, priceless loser. Excuse me, where do you get those wristbands? Oh, you have to deal with the party at first and then buy them through there, but they sold out weeks ago. Weeks ago? So that means Shane knew he was gonna ghost me for weeks? That's some real bullshit. I know, right? VIP rooms are such elitist bullshit. The only people that buy into them are insecure assholes who just want to pretend like they're better than everybody else. You couldn't get in either, huh? Maybe. Or maybe I'm standing outside the door in protest. A one-man VIP picket line. Or one could argue that the only way to make lasting change is from the inside. Ooh, subversive. What do you have in mind? I'm gonna figure out a way to sneak my radical ass in there. Wow, a true revolutionary. You're the Che Guevara of bottle service. Only I look better in a beret. I'm sure you do. Five hundred dollars? I only have half of that. It's the money for my party ticket. Don't you worry about that. You just carry that around with you? Detective Littati, UCU, Unusual Crimes Unit. This is my partner, Detective Patel. It's a little up in the nose, but okay. Listen, it seems that you towed a piece of ---- Volkswagen as part of an ongoing investigation downtown, so we're gonna need to go ahead and take that vehicle back. Also, Patel here would really appreciate it if you could go ahead and waive those fees. Would she now? Yes, she would. And she sounds angry. And you do not want to make Patel angry. Well, it's too late. I'm angry. Oh, yeah, I am. How about the things? That's why they call me Pissed Off Patel. I'm angry about a system in which criminals are set free. I'm angry that it's hard to find great shoes that come in my size. I'm angry at all the dudes at the gym who always tell me what to do as if I don't know what I'm doing, even though I do. In fact, okay, okay, Patel, do you see what I got to deal with here? Now, I can either let her off the leash or you could hand us the keys. Let us walk out of here. You don't end up in cuffs. What's it gonna be? How do I know you guys are being real cuffs? How do I know your computer keyboard is covered in ejaculate? I'll get the keys. How would you? It's a gift, not a curse. Oh, 2020, neat drawstring pants me. You, uh, need any of that heated up? I'm good. Hey, yo, why are you sad, girl? I'm not sad. And even if I was, I wouldn't spill my feelings to a kitchen appliance. Well, what about to your one-time? Oh, my God. Luke, you're DJ Nuke? In the business. Plus, I run this sick party catering company. So two for one and twice the fun. How you like them tiny cheese balls, girl? I'm so happy for you. Good for you. Ah, you know, and woo, epic dress. You are the only woman who could pull that thing off, if you don't mind my saying. I just threw this on. Well, you look good. But, you know, you always look good, so. So you, uh, you here with a date or, uh? Oh, no one special. So Luke, um, where you gonna be at midnight? Where you want me to be at midnight? Oh, yeah. Oh, girl, you just, you just readjusted all my setting. Oh, yeah. I tell you what, when the countdown starts, just slide up to where I'm spinning, and I will hit you with the waviest New Year's kiss. Okay. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, I know what you're talking about. All right. I'm gonna see you then. Midnight. I'll catch you. All right. I'll see you. That went unexpectedly well. Why don't you just pretend to be someone famous? There's no way they're gonna check and see if you're wearing a wristband and you could totally pass for a celebrity. Really? Shane, this guy I used to see, told me I needed to lose 10 or 15 pounds. Okay, first of all, that's the rudest thing anyone can say to someone they're dating. And then second, that guy's crazy. I think you look amazing. Thanks. Who can we say that you are? It's gotta be someone everybody's heard of, but nobody knows what they actually look like. I'm the seventh member of BTS. I feel like they already have seven members. Really? How does that work? They split the money seven ways? Somebody's going solo soon. Okay, so no K-pop. How about world-famous music producer Mike Will Made It? Huh. I can't picture him. Can you? Nope. Until now. That's you? Me? Yeah. Grab these. Let's go. Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much for rescuing me. Yeah. Okay. Oh, also, sorry about booting in the backseat. Here we go. Take this. This is for cleaning. That's $400. Oh, nope, nope, nope. That's not it. Happy New Year. All right. Happy New Year, everybody. Oh, oh, oh, hold up. Nobody gets in the VIP room without a wristband. I'm sorry, do you not know who that is? That's Mike Will Made It, the world-famous music producer. Mike Will Made It. Look, you don't want to embarrass yourself by being the bouncer that didn't let Mike Will Made It make it into the VIP room. So if you do that, you'll be the laughingstock at BouncerCon. Oh, I loved your collab with Taylor Swift. Mike Will Made It. Mike Will Made It never worked with Taylor Swift. Mike Will didn't make it? Move along. Come on. How dare you know that? Well, you certainly have enough for your party ticket now. I must be pretty dumb to you. I made this list when I was nine. You know, stuff that I was going to do in my life. But I haven't done any of it. Not even close. But now I can cross something off. Two things. It's one of those things, hang out with Rachel Leacock. I know. Let's be BFFs, Rachel Leacock. You'd be surprised how often I get that. Really? Can I tell you, like, a friend secret? Are we friends? Totally. Yeah, we're friends. We have a spilled tea bit. I'm sorry. It's something of a list of my own. Actually, it's just one thing I was kind of hoping to accomplish tonight. But it's sort of a two-person job. It's probably too late. If it's singing into hairbrushes to Ace of Base, it's not too late. It's not. Whatever it is. You help me find my car and get my money, I'm in. Are you sure? I mean, we would be done in time to get you to your party. Let's do it. I am psyched. No, eating chocolate's not supposed to be painful. I'm trying to binge as much sugar as I can because I'm quitting after the new year. It's my resolution. Sugar-free in 2020. Oh, it's catchy. And I respect your resolve. But from where I sit, you don't have to change a dang thing. Well, Shane said that if I didn't. Okay, let's forget about Shane. Can I be honest? That's why I wanted to get in the VIP. Because he's in there. And I want to get in there and show him that I am doing fine without him. You think I'm petty? I think New Year's Eve is about leaving the past behind and being open to a better future. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Why? Oh, my God. Look. Do you think I can switch spots? I feel like I can get a better gravity. Yeah, sure. Thank you. Hey, come on. Let's get you out of here. Hi, hi. I couldn't help but notice that you guys are leaving. But do you think I could have your wristbands? Sorry, this might be a puke and rally situation. Oh, okay. Well, that's fine. Whatever. I don't need to get in the VIP. I'm doing fine. Just... Where'd he go? Mike Will made its back. It fits. Whatever. Pull up, party people. That was mad clever. All right. Let's get him. Whose house is this? Freddie Prince Junior. Are we singing into hairbrushes with Freddie Prince Junior? Yeah. Something like that. You see, back when we were shooting She's All That, Freddie thought that it would be funny to prank me. So he put plastic wrap over the toilet seat in my trailer. For the rest of filming, everyone on set referred to me as Rachel Lee Poop. Which is a funny nickname. So as you can imagine, getting back at him has been very high on my list. And tonight, tonight is the night. And I think that with the help of my new friend... Yeah, actually, it's a good thing we stopped for that double latte because it really got things going. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm ready. And if I don't get out of this car soon, I'm gonna wreck my dress and maybe your seat, which, as I'm sure you already know, is covered in a jacket. Man, I'm so glad that we're doing this together. What? What? What exactly are we doing? We're taking a dump on Freddie's car. Actually, it looks like there's two cars. So you know what? I'm gonna take the gray. You hit the silver. But isn't one of them Sarah Michelle's? I'm not taking any chances. Come on, let's scooby-doo this. Liza, come on. Holy ----. What are you... Now, go away. I'm gonna be part of this ----. Put it to this. You sure? I mean, if we don't have each other's backs in here, who will? I'm just having like the worst night. Honey, what happened? Well, I was having the best time with my friends and we were all gonna meet up in the VIP room for the countdown, but then I lost my wristband because I don't like it too tight because then it makes my wrist look fat. But it must have fallen off and I can't find it. And now I'm not gonna be able to go to the VIP room for the countdown. I'm gonna miss everything. Also, I took a minute from the bathroom attendant, but I don't have any cash. So now she's gonna think I'm like an asshole. No one thinks you're an asshole. Well, these vids don't pay for themselves. I got cash. Listen, it's just a countdown, right? Just 10 seconds of your life. You just said you were having the best time. Don't let one tiny moment ruin your whole night. Or your whole year. I guess it sounds really obvious when someone else says it. Or just even out loud yourself. You're right. Midnight happens every night. And New Year's is just one of those things that somebody made up. I mean, why not celebrate on September 1st? Okay, you're not helping. I also feel like I'm hella extra tonight because this dress is driving me crazy. It is so itchy. Oh my god. It's the dress. It's not my cousin's curse. It's just this stupid dress. What? Bounted. The bouncer said you don't need a wristband to get into VIP because you're super hot. Really? By the way, you look super hot in that dress. We both look super hot. Next. Hi. One ticket, please. $250. Wow. $250 is a lot of money for a party. Are you gonna go in? Well, I was gonna go in and meet up with some friends but they're kind of off doing their own thing anyways. Although my nine-year-old self would really want me to go inside. Oh my god. I don't have time to get in some deep revelation here. I have a line. But you're right. Going to this party just to live out some childish idea of fun is a terrible idea. It's definitely not $250. And you did it anyway. All right. Look, you're here. It's nearly midnight. Can you think of anything better to ball your money on? Yeah. Next. How you doing? Oh, hey. You're still here. Yeah, I just had to come back for something. Uh, there's a guy in the kitchen with a case of champagne. Do you want me to tell him to leave it there or? Uh, I should get that. It's almost midnight. Thanks. Yeah. Say hi to your mom for me. He's a whoppin'. Harp ass. It's like a bowl full of genitals. Oliver, what are you doing here? Oh, I'll tell you what I'm doing here, Shane. I'm doing just great. I'm here at this party and I'm in the VIP room and I'm just great. Oh, are you sure you need that cookie, sweetie? Oh, you cannot shame me anymore, Shane. I'll have no more of your Shane, Shane, Shane. I'll have you know, there's a guy out there who thinks I am perfect just the way that I am. And I just let him walk away. You know what, Shane? Oh. I didn't know you know Mike will made it. Two seconds. Marco, wait. If I kissed you right now, it would only be because I felt obligated to kiss someone at midnight, not because I actually wanted to. I'm OK with that. I thought that not having someone to kiss was going to ruin my night. But kissing the wrong guy for the wrong reasons would just be way worse. Good night, Luke. Happy New Year. I guess that means it must be midnight. Yeah, thanks. I gotta watch. Listen, I'm sorry. Those last few cookies. Listen, I spent tonight trying to impress some jerk who didn't care about me at all. Meanwhile, I almost missed out on the great guy who was right in front of me. You were right. New Year's should be about letting go of the past and embracing. I am so cold. Sugar. I had so much sugar. Happy New Year. No, it's not. Go. Oh, like it's not already covered in puke back here. Just drive. That was the explosion psychic Rhonda was talking about. There were casualties. I really gotta write her a good Yelp review. Am I too late for Hawaii New Year's? Hey, you're home early. How was the party? It's fine, I guess. But it was kind of like any other night, right? I mean, I could kiss someone tomorrow and still have a great year. Or not kiss anyone at all. How my year goes is really up to me. Is that personal growth I hear? Because I did a little bit of my own tonight, thank you very much. From now on, no man gets to treat me like an option. Because I'm a choice. Also, I won't be eating sugar until at least 2030. You know what? I think nine-year-old Liza would really dig this New Year's. Oh, I wish she would. I'm sorry I got mad at you. I'm sorry too. No party is worth more than our friendship. Nothing is more important than our friendship. I'll drink to that. You want to explain that? It's too long of a story. Yeah! Friendship! How do you know this sofa is covered in jacket? I'm angry about shoes that don't come... Damn it. Don't touch anything. Can I tell you... Okay. I didn't know you know Mike. Mike well made it. Who? Oh, I didn't go over the thing. Shit. I'm not taking any chances. Oh, I didn't put this on. Oh god! This is going great. We got this right here. And embracing the... So two for one for the price of fun. Two twice the fun. What happens is you add the fun by... If you divide it quickly, the math is complicated.