Sheldon Clips to Watch While You Get Stuff Done.

He looks friendly. I think he might be someone's pet. No, Bernadette, don't be a hero. Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet. Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it, just like you did with the mailman. Every year, tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I'm not going to be another statistic. Sweeties, come over and say hi. You can do it. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby. I did it. I actually did it. Okay, now flush him. Who do we love? Penny. Who do we love? Penny. Who do we love? Penny. Hello, Sheldon. Come on in. Thank you. What's up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me. Sorry, what? You and me. Dining, dancing. Perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight? God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight. Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not going to help get Amy back. I am not trying to get her back. But out of curiosity, what is a way? All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There's a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this? I believe I do. I'm the guy. You're not the guy. Are you sure? I would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time. I call everyone sweetie. You tramp. Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy. Strap on a pair? What, skates? Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy. Pardon me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart. Hi, Sheldon. Pardon me. Excuse me. Sheldon, what are you doing here? The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offense, Stuart. None taken. Although repellent is kind of a strong word. I'm sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want. Stuart, please, you're being rude. Anything else? I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship. I'm listening. With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend. Now try it without the quadruple negative. You're being impossible. Hi, Stuart. Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend? Yes. That's enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here's a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids. I think I drew this up. What's that? I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that in its 31 pages enumerates, iterates, and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend. So romantic. Mutual indemnification always is. Why don't you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp? Section 5, Handholding. Handholding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A. Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice, or ledge. B. Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C. Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive. Yeah, yeah. Feel free to retain a lawyer. The first 43 parallel universes I've checked prove to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number 44 will be any different. You said I'm not using my space, so I'm using it. Okay, you need to move now. No, I don't. But you can't stay there forever. Actually, I have a plastic baggie strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to... ...you, Sheldon. Oh, yes, they are. I mean, why? I'm warning you, Sheldon. Your threats are empty. Nothing can move me. Stop my clock! No, that's it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life. What are you idiots doing? He's trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence. Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate? They're both acting like lunatics. It's just a parking spot. It's not just a parking spot. He can't handle the fact that I'm a bigger deal than he is now. Yeah, oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university's six-loop quantum gravity calculations. I have changed the way we think about those Einstein condensates. And I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Can you believe this guy? What I don't believe is that you tried to run him over. Oh, like you've never thought of doing that. Don't hate me just because I lived the dream. Hey, sweet ride. What are you doing in there? Just breaking in your new car. You stop that. You know what they say, revenge is a dish best served nude. I know she loves playing the harp. So, I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs. Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here? No, I just thought it would be... Okay. I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales. So, I found this cool map that illustrates the character's journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame. But she's got Google Maps on her phone. I don't know how to respond to that. Well, I hope it's with a third good option because these first two... Okay, well, luckily I saved the best for last. Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print. Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable. Thank you. I think I'll keep it for myself. What about your girlfriend? It's too late. I called dibs. It's really you. Mr. Jeffers, I am so sorry. We should have told you about the broken elevator. I agree. Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you. Just call me Arthur. Bob Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we're friends. No, a friend would have told me about the elevator. Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it's going to ruin my eyes. Is he dangerous? Actually, he's a genius. I am. That doesn't answer my question. Mr. Jeffers, I'm Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny. Hi. Hello. Well, I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show. Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the show's for me. Come on. Aresha. Arthur. Is the blonde girl really your girlfriend? Yes, sir. You're the genius. Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid? What do you think? Great. I've been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats? Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat. That's the thing about factoids. They're interesting. I know what you're doing. You don't want me going on this research trip because you're afraid to be alone. Well, I'm not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning. Sheldon. Fine, no more drowning talk. I'll change the subject. Who do you think would win in a fight? You or a shark? Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there's nothing you can say that's going to stop me. Very well. Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn't change anything. I should have opened with that, huh? This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle. What? A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern. His diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue? Lipid what? Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will. Tuesday, okay. Now, don't rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level. Why hasn't Stephen Hawking played a word? The guy's a genius. Maybe you weren't challenging enough for him. Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl. Here's the problem. You can't beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy's a big baby. Forget the wheelchair. He should be in a stroller. Really? One time, when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting, so I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party. And everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, Your invitation must have gotten lost in The Matrix. Good Lord, what have I done? Terrible. Alright, hotshot, let's hear your Indian. I can't sit on that elephant. My ass is on fire from eating all this curry. Okay, yeah, that's pretty good. Let me see if I have this straight. You two are physicists. And you want me to do a children's science show. Yes. And if there's time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing. You know, I'm a real scientist. I have a PhD from Cornell University. Yeah, that's great. Did you bring your puppet? No, no. I hate that puppet. Oh, how could anybody hate Geno the Neutrino? It's nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including his shipping! I'm awake, right? This is happening. Here we are. Yep. Really gonna miss you. Gonna miss you too. Penny, we're in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We're breaking the law. There's no space in the white zone, so... Anyway, we can email and I think the phone connections are pretty good. All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you. Would you just relax? Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport. Did you bring enough inhalers? Yeah. And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It's a Small World? No, I'm covered. Oh dear lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made. Calm down, I'm getting out. I have something I want to give you. All right, it's just a heart-shaped lock with a picture of Leonard's face in it. You got them all on clearance. Now move, move, move. I love you too. Don't worry, officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling frogs. Never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls before. Oh, don't worry, sweetie. No one has. So, what do you say? I'll leave it up to the Dungeon Master. A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, You're playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D. What you're doing in our dungeon, you shall die. Okay, literal goosebumps, look. What do you do? I draw my broadsword. I ready my quarterstaff. I drink my potion. See, we attacked the big one. You know what, give me the dice, I want to roll. The Dungeon Master is supposed to roll. Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. No, give it. What do I need? Fifteen or higher. Fifteen's the point. The point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room. Here it is, coming out. Money. Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points. More potion, please. Anything I can get for you? Some apple juice, some jello? No, no, thank you. But I do have a favor to ask. Name it. Well, I'm booked to do a children's party tomorrow, and frankly, I don't feel up to it. No, you're not. You look awful. Thank you. Anyway, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was hoping that, you know, maybe you'd fill in for me. Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton? Yeah. Oh, my. What an honor. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods. Or a Korean family in Alhambra. It's my water. What? My water. You're drinking it. Dear Lord. Have you been drinking it? Yes, it's my water. Well, that's it then. I'm dead. Here we go. I'm sorry. Do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend. Hey, that's my sister and my country you're talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other. You guys ready to order? Yes, I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint. I don't understand. He drank from Leonard's glass. Words he'll be carving into my tombstone. That's actually my napkin. Oh, this is a nightmare. To the bar to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gangway, dead man walking. Finally. Oh, what fresh hell is this? You've been exposed. No, I haven't. It's all good. He takes the elk from off the shelf. Hell hounds. Who let the satanic dogs out? Who, who, who? Colossal serpent. I got a colossal serpent right here. Must you? Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting zombie. Sheldon's new Facebook photo. Xandor, wizard of the north. Ha, I win. If you skipped the part about being under a two-week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely. What are you doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Roadrunner. The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote? Yes. And this is a schematic for a bird trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury? Yes. What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die. A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this? My family history, factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, etc. Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB? What's KBB? Killed by badger. How's that? It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there's a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us. What about your pedometer? Don't have one. Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod? No. What do you do? You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny? No, I just run until I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw. Why are you doing that? It's good to stretch your muscles before you run. Alright. Alright, let's start with a toe touch. I am doing it. Oh, wow. Good job. Okay. Can you do this? We'll never know. Warm up on the run. Okay. Okay, let's go. I've been reading up on biomechanics. I think you'll be surprised. I think so. Let me help you up. Thank you. If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, the car is a sphincter. Except in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter. You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. Fifty different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name? I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider. Perhaps you'd be interested in a different game. No. I'm going to hold a conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I'll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go. Bazinga! I'd switch. I almost died. And I'm safe and sound in bed. Who's crazy now? I'm still going to go with you. An unexpected pleasure. My, my. That's a powerful smell. I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weiskopf. Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave them cute Jewish names. Cats make wonderful companions. They don't argue or question my intellectual authority. And this little guy here I think you'll find to be quite zazzy. You should have called sooner. You said I could buy a desk. This isn't a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity. Is that the American idiom for giant big-ass desk? It's actually British. Can you say it again for me? Brobdingnagian. One more time. Brobdingnagian. Now three times fast. Brobdingnagian. How did you even get it in here? That's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out. All right, you've made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day. All right, if you're not going to remove it, I'll remove it for you. Knock yourself out. No. Yes. No. It's too Brobdingnagian. The hidden reality takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In the hidden reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader. Hysterical. I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly. Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you're in a comedy club. You think about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B and if you order the first dish in column A you can't order the corresponding dish in column B. That's sort of like the uncertainty principle. Ba-dum-bum. Nice shot. Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It's odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon. Perfect. I know. What an elf I would have made. What do you think you're doing? Shooting at a target. With what? An arrow. Really? I didn't see you draw one from your quiver. I'm not going to do that, Sheldon. Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part too. That was uncalled for, but I'll play along. Ow. Leonard, are you in the shower? I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now. Moot! Rendered unimportant by recent events. In the shower! I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency. What kind of emergency? Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder. You might not want to do that. I assure you I do. Sheldon, I'm not alone in here. What? Hello, Sheldon. What are you doing in there? She can't be in here. We were in here first. You can't be in here. According to the roommate agreement, paragraph 9, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I'm experiencing a very majeure force. Come on. You can't wait two minutes. Leonard, let the man pee. Penny! Move, move, move! Handle it. Top of her class. Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries and your face. All right. Based on a cursory reading, it doesn't look like you have much of a case, Sheldon. Do so, do so. Oh, I'm afraid not. Section 7 here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency. That's ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory. Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering? Irrelevant. Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair. He thinks because he's short, nobody can see up there. The point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it. In this case, Leonard. So much for count one. But there's no but, Sheldon. That's how the law works. Schooled. As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. What about the occupancy issue? Superseded. Tonight is pizza night. I'd like to refer that to my attorney. According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi's pizza night. Yes, and when Franconi's went out of business, we switched to Graziano's. Interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya? Good question, Howard. Turns out you can't. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met? No. This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food. Not as much as you. Shake it, baby, shake it! Moi kaliente, Sheldon! Care to dance? Oh, sorry. How about you? Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess. That is good news. Bye. Do you know how I solved the balance center combat area problem? Five words. Transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation. That's brilliant. It's what I do. But wait, there's more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent and the old woman. Okay, now I have to ask, what do they do? When the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. All right. Unless it gets to the old woman in time. In which case, she sucks out the poison, and turns her into the Grand Empress. A piece combining the power of the knight, queen, and serpent. Elegant. That's because it's simple. I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hand. Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching. Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process. All right. Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so. Rotating? You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone. You mean the myofascial point? Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh-grade noogies we all know too well. Oh, dear lord. Yes, yes. Oh, yes. Amy, I've never been touched like this before. Oh, my hands are magic. Flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you. And Tara Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep. All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard's bedroom. Signed here indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression. Good night, Sheldon. Wait, not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit. You're kidding. I never kid about safety. The last dumpling. It wasn't me. Here's your penny. A moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the grangie piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group. Thank you all for this high honor. I've seen pictures of your mother. Keep eating. Leonard. Check it out. I bought an Engage locomotive that fits in my mouth. Sounds like you had a great night. I did. How was yours? Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. What exactly do you mean by that? Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear. How'd you do that? To send a message. She is not for you. What? Hold on a moment. I'm conducting an experiment. With Dungeons and Dragons dice? Yes. From here on in, I've decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item 7. So, what's for dinner? A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting. Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? I don't want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats. Uh, no, that's not it. Just come with me, please. Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas. Do you really want that? That's the great thing. It doesn't matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things. What's it thinking about now? Hamburgers and lemonade. Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon. And don't thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave. Why are you still doing this? Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle. You left out got-shaped testicles because you no longer wear underpants. The dice giveth and the dice taketh away. Next to the dungeon is a moss-covered door. You manage to open it, only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do? I say, hey, Ma, what's for dinner? Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. Good-bye, Dubai. I liked it, too. How go the wedding plans, Howard? Great. Spent five hours last night at Macy's registering for gifts. Looks like I'm finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I've always wanted. See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want. You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower? Maybe. We enter the dungeon. You see a dragon. Really? So we're playing Dungeons & Dragons and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? On the nose. When you play Chutes & Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders? No. I see you guys have found my little treasure. Yeah. It's okay, I guess. It's okay? It's magnificent. What do you want for it? Well, it's hard to put a price on something that's a copy of something that was on pay cable. For my friends, let's say $250. Oh, that's pretty steep. Well, it's a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys. It's only 8,000? We're wasting precious time. Buy it. Hang on. Can you do any better? Are you kidding? I'm already giving you the friends and family discount. Oh, did you hear that? We're getting the friends and family discount. We are honored and we will take it. Slow down. $200. What are you doing? $250 is already a discounted price. Will you shut up? Tell you what, I'll go $235. Man, you're killing me. We're killing you. I can't breathe. $210 and I'm losing money. Oh, no, we can't let him lose money, Leonard. I'm so sorry. $210 and you throw in the Iron Man helmet. Are you crazy? That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr. So? Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning. Okay, fine. Just the sword. $210. I can eat meat this week. See that? I just saved us $40. I've long said what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts. You want me to wrap it? No, it's okay. I'm going to stab my friend in the chest. Sam, what difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party? Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy. Mortal enemy? Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy? In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list? Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no. You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? It'll just take a moment. It's on a five and a quarter inch floppy. A floppy disk? I started the list when I was nine. How did Wil Wheaton get on the list? What's up? It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials, so I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. You put her there, you old so-and-so. Well, I'm going to see you at work in 12 hours. Don't you think you could have waited until then? Holy smoke, why didn't I think of that? You're a better man than I, Howard Wallowith. You put her there, you son of a gun. Whatever. Michael, it was a harmless Halloween prank. Look. It's a heart condition. You know that? I thought he made that up. Isn't hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people? This is adrenaline. We're going to have to inject it into his heart. We are? You are. I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate and we've only got one shot. Oh, no, I can't. Hurry, we're running out of time. Okay. Just do it. Oh, God. One, two, three. Trick or treat, bubble up. What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? How could I be so stupid? Oh, bother. Isn't that just always the way? You go to staple something and you're out of staples. Gosh. I wish I'd known that earlier today when I was at Staples. You ever think of paperclips right there? Oh, no, no. I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don't you keep staples in your top desk drawer? I don't know, maybe. Be a lamb and check. Who do we have here? It's a snake. It's a terrifying snake. Did some bad man put us in a drawer? Stop talking like that. You've been rendered speechless by fear. Let's go to the biology lab and find you some nice, yummy mice. I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper, you're better than this. Be sure to check the mail. How many times are you going to tell me what's with you? Nothing. It's not suspicious that I'm fixating. It's consistent with my personality. Right. Hey, guys. More Halloween candy? Didn't you just buy a bunch of it yesterday? Oh, yeah, that's gone. It's a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time. Leonard doesn't have time to chat. He has to get the mail. Would you relax? I'll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work? Open the mail. Excuse me. A couple of circulars, nothing important. What's with him? Hang on. You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey. Yeah! Bazinga, punk, now we're even. I'm going to ask you something, and I'd like you to keep an open mind. Always. At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact. Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind. Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins. Counter-proposal. We'll gently stroke your head and repeat, Aw, who's a good Amy? How about this? French kissing. Seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base. Neck massage. Then you get me that beverage. We cuddle. Final offer. Very well. Oh, boy. I'm just saying, second base is right there. And your Berg death ray is ready. It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair, enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. One. That is one tough birdie. Ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay. That's a pretty big blue jay. Two. Three. Go! No!