Her Partner Doesn't Want To Marry Her After Living Together For 4 Years

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. I've been with my partner for four years. Okay. I moved out here. We live in a rural area outside of Kansas City, and I found out this year that he does not want to get married. Okay. Which is a problem for me, because I've been investing into his household and into this property for the last four years. Tell us what that means specifically. How much have you invested? So he owns his own home, and he bought the house in 2012 at an interest rate of like 3%, crazy low. Okay. And he should have this paid off in about seven years. And when I say investing, I mean I have been, I pay for things living here. Like what? A kitchen, a bathroom, what? Give us specifics. I apologize. It's not that deep. I pay for things in this household. The only way he will let me pay for things is if I buy groceries, pay for our bedding, household items. Well, that's not investing. Okay. I'm tracking now, but that's not investing in the house. It's not investing in the house, but here's my problem. Here's the dilemma. When he told me he wouldn't marry me, he set up a revocable trust, and leaving everything to me when he passes away. My problem is that I'm living paycheck to paycheck buying the things that I'm buying for the house, and he pays the mortgage, pays the bills, and won't let me be a true partner in that. Well, hold on. Lily, I feel like we're focusing on the wrong thing. Jade, I'll get out of your way because your brain's about to explode on the revocable trust, but Lily, I'm just going to speak to the relationship side. Okay. Here's what I just heard. I moved out here four years ago to be with this guy. He doesn't want to marry me, and he made it very clear, but as a consolation prize, he created an irrevocable trust. Jade will get to that in a second. That to me is just weird. It's so weird. Then you went, but he won't let me pay for things, and he won't let me. Why are you still trying? Why are you even in the house? This relationship is over. Right? Right? I mean, yeah. In my mind, the trust is revocable, by the way, not irrevocable. Sorry, it doesn't matter. The whole thing is weird, and tell him, never mind, because if you don't want to marry me, why would you leave all your stuff to me? What does that mean? To me, that's just a weird thing, and it proves this guy's a weirdo. I'm not trying to be unkind, and I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you called us, so we're automatically on team Lily. Let me just tell you, that for me is- Guy doesn't want to marry you. It's very manipulative too, because it's this way of keeping you on the hook forever. Exactly. Without marrying you, why would you say, I won't marry you, but I'm going to leave you after I die all of my major assets? I'm going to tell you what this is. That's wild. I'm going to tell you what it is. This is friends with benefits, and the benefit is, he wants you, but he don't want to marry you, but now he's going to give you his whatever, just so that you forget it. This guy does not want to be married to you in a union with you. No, but he's trying to keep you trapped. He wants all the benefits that come with this, and it would make me feel gross. I feel gross for you. It does, and even being part of the revocable trust, it feels like I'm being vacated. Say no, and break up with him and leave. When did this start, Lily? When did you find out he doesn't want to marry you, and when did he tell you about this weird trust thing? Early this year, and he set up the trust about two months later, because I told him that I didn't ... He says he feels like he doesn't want to get married because it gives the government too much power over his assets. Bull crap. This guy's such a bad liar. Let me tell you, when you said, why aren't we getting married, and he said, I don't want to marry you, what I want to know is, did you give him some sort of ultimatum? Did you tell him you were leaving, and then this was the response to that? That is correct. You did? Yes. Well, why are you still with him? Because he created the revocable trust in that moment. Exactly. That's my point. You let it work. It worked. You didn't give him an ultimatum and do anything about it. You threatened, and then he went, I see your threat, and I'm going to raise you some manipulation. And you said that- You're right. I know I'm right. I've been right for about three or four minutes into this call, and I'm going to- I needed to hear it from someone that was unobjective. Does that make sense? Yes. Lily, break up with him. If you were my sister, I would be like, you have no respect for yourself if you stay in this relationship. And I agree with Ken, and now let me just hit on just a personal note, you as a human being. There is a sunk cost here, right? You're like, man, I love this guy. I spent four years. Four years is a long time. And you got up and you moved to be with this person. There is a lot there, and I understand that you're probably like, can I salvage some of this? Because if I can't salvage this, then you have to come to terms with whatever that means to you about you. Like, I can't believe I fell for this guy, or I can't believe- right? And that's very, very difficult to do. And my guess is that's probably why, even though he said he wouldn't marry you, you continued on up until the point of this call, is there was some part of you that probably was like, maybe there's something here I can salvage. Maybe there's still a chance that this could turn around. And I totally get that. And Ken and I are not making fun of you or knocking you. No, not at all. We are 100% trying to validate you. It's hard to walk away from a household that I've put so much time and energy into, because now I walk away with nothing. Well, you had an expectation of what that was going to mean. Well, she had an expectation of what that would bring. I know, but I'm going to tell you why I disagree. And this is Team Lily. Lily, that's the wrong thing to say. You've been telling yourself, I'm walking away with nothing. I'm going to tell you, you're walking away with something, and it's your dignity. That's facts. Come on. That's facts. You got to know. You got to rewire this message. The narrative is, I'm not going to let this guy manipulate me and rob me of my dignity. I'm walking away with my dignity intact, and that's a big deal. And I'm going to make my life better. And I'm going to focus on getting myself to a place where I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. And I'm going to get myself healthy and deal with what Jade is saying. And she's real here. I mean, this hurts. I'm not minimizing this. This really stinks. But there is healing on the other side of this. And I think there's love, real love on the other side of this. Because here's the thing, and I'm not pooh-poohing anybody's journey, Ken. Sometimes we have to pooh-pooh some things. I'm just saying, when the real man comes, Lily, he's going to know. And it ain't going to take him four years to figure it out. I'm going to tell you that right now. That's true. And you'll know. And Lily, since we're playing armchair quarterback here, it's the nature of our job. We're not going to focus on the past. We're going to set our mind on the things of the future, and we're going to heal, and we're going to move forward. However, for Lily and all of the other people listening and watching, please don't uproot your life and move to someplace for somebody who's not willing to change their life for you. Thank you, Ken. Let me say it again. Do not uproot your life for somebody who's not willing to change their life. That's right. If they change their life in that they say, we are all in and getting married, then I will uproot. But I got to tell you, a lot of manipulative dudes out there. I'll just leave it at that. So Lily, get out of there. We got about a minute. So real quick answer. Would you have moved to Kansas City for any other reason than this guy? No. Okay. So here's the deal. And I know there's a lot, so I'm not going to ask you anything else because I think you got to agree this. But I would tell you that the reason I asked you that is I want that to be the resounding thing you take away from this call. You only move there for this guy. You know this guy is not your guy. So now let's begin the mindset of where do I want to restart my life? And this can be exciting. It can be healthy. Dare I say it can be full of fun adventure, but it starts with going, nope. I don't want the trust. I don't want you. I'm out. Jade, final word. Yes. Men and women, let's stop putting ourselves in these positions where there is this power indifference, especially when it's not a marriage, this business of moving in with somebody and it's their place and they hold all the cards and you're kind of at their mercy for them to let you in. This business needs to stop. Live at your own house. There's nothing wrong with living at your own house and dating somebody. And at the end of the day, you go home to your house that you own by yourself until you're Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.