Cold opens that have no business being this funny | Parks and Recreation

So while they repaint the lines in the parking lot, we're asking everyone to do street parking. I'm not street parking my Mercedes. Well, everyone is. I'm doing it. Because nobody wants to steal a Saturn. All right, moving on to recycling. You okay, Ron? Just a little tooth pain. I'm fine, continue. Okay, each department will be getting blue bins. Do you need to go to the dentist, Ron? I don't like dentists. Just a second. Hey! No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What the? Oh, my God. I'm sorry, everybody. What were we talking about? Recycling? Dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday. But it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint. Okay, here's the situation. Your parents went away on a week's vacation. They left the keys to the brand new Porsche. But they ain't mine. Well, of course not. I'll just take you for a little spin and maybe show it off to a couple of friends. I'll just cruise around the neighborhood. Well, maybe I shouldn't. Yeah, of course I should. Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot. Pulled up to the corner at the end of my block. That's when I saw this beautiful girly girl walking. I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking. Sunroof was open. The music was high and that girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh. She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far. I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car. I can't believe it. I made a mistake. My parents are the same, no matter time nor place. So to all you kids all across the land, no need to argue, parents just don't understand. All right! Thank you. Just a little something I know. So what's up? Someone is on fire in Ramset Park. They need you to get down there right away. Oh my God. I need you guys to come to the snake hole lounge tonight to help me with something. Yeah, no, tonight's not good. No can do. I'm on a cleanse. Police, this is important. I'm launching my new high-end Kahlua style liqueur, snake juice. Sounds like you took a snake and twisted it like a rag until its blood and guts came out. Ew. What does Kahlua style mean? I mixed a bunch of alcohol together, added some sugar and coffee and some other junk and it kinda tastes like Kahlua. I can only drink warm tap water with cayenne pepper. Fine, then don't drink it. Just get other people to drink it, okay? Meeting in one hour. If you don't make it, you're on my dunzo list. Oh, what's a dunzo list? It means you and I are dunzo. Hanging out, getting food together, dunzo. You wanna come over to my house and play video games? Dunzo. Hey Tom, you wanna come play putt-putt with me? No, we're dunzo. Babe, we gotta make that meeting. April! Listen, I was trying to buy this handcrafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft. Aw, for me? Don't sass me. And I went to this website and this ad popped up that said, hey Ron Swanson, check out this great offer. What's your question? My question is, what the hell? Like, how do they know who you are? Yeah. Okay, there are these things called cookies where if you go to a site and buy something, it'll remember you and then create ads for other stuff you might wanna buy. So it learns information about me? Seems like an invasion of privacy. Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address. So we've been called out to this hiking trail because there's some reports that some teenagers are digging bags of dog poop out of the trash and having dog poop fights. I don't believe it. Oh my God, it's real. Yeah, I'm not gonna go deal with this. I'm leaving. Hey. Okay. Not so bad. Oh, this was fun. Actually, this is a little fun. This is fun. Welcome to Animal Control. Let me show you around. Those are some chairs. That's a cat or a possum. Oh, this is a napkin where I wrote down a cool name for a dog, Bark Obama. Right. Is that, what's happening here? Oh, yo, yeah, we found this bird outside. We tried to turn it into a work whistle like in the beginning of The Flintstones. Tougher than it looked, though. We have a massive pest problem in this town and it's because the Animal Control Department has been a disaster at catching animals. They're great at ingesting and selling marijuana. This place is a miserable suck hole run by two pothead losers. It's completely and utterly mismanaged. Thanks. It does seem to be very poorly run, but we've only been here for two minutes. There may be a method to their madness. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Four. There's four ways to skin a cat. Ready to blow. Ow, ow, ow, what is this? Coyote trap, dude. Ow, this hurts. Yeah, we got like a huge vermin problem. I mean, we've been meaning to call somebody about it, but you know, nobody get on the phone. You're the people you would be calling. That is so trippy. Ow! You're fired. The whole department is fired. Ow, this hurts. This was one of my running feet. Yo, let's go to Jamaica. No, we should go to Jamaica. Oh, is that what you said? Yeah, dog. Andy and Leslie sent us care packages. Hey, Ben, just a few things to remind you of home, love, Leslie. Ah, waffle mix. JJ's diner mug. New pajamas. Wow, there's a lot of stuff in here. Box one of 12. April, here's something to help you remember a three-legged dog champion. Ah, that's cute. Also, you are way better at laundry. Can you please do mine and send it back to me? Thanks, love you, mouse rat rules, love, Andy. Less cute. P.S., please hurry. I've been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now. Look, there's a picture. Ah, that's horrifying. I love him so much. Hey. Hi. What's going on here? Puppy. A puppy's here. Can we keep him? My neighbor's dog had a litter. They're looking for people to adopt. I love him. I wish he had tiny puppy shoes. I would totally shine his little shoes for free. Aw. I do say the cutest stuff. Look, I love a good dog as much as the next guy, but this building doesn't allow animals. Andy, take him outside. What, and shoot him? No, just keep him outside. Aw, come on, Ron. I'm just a little puppy. I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm just a puppy. Hmm, I like your mustache. I wish I could have one, but I can't, because I'm just a little puppy. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Okay, take him out and shoot him. I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster, an old Underwood 5 with original carriage return. Took her home, polished her up, bought a brand new ribbon off of electronicbay.com. Okay, somebody's got to do something. I'm getting a cluster headache. Oh, whoa, whoa, he's leaving. Let's go. I'm gonna throw it away. No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tons. What is he typing anyway? If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you. I'm gonna type every word I know. Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole. Are you ready? Yes. No, babe, are you ready? Yes. I got fired from running the Sweetums Foundation. Thanks to me, sorry again. Hey, blessing in disguise. I took a job at this accounting firm. They tried to hire me three times. I finally gave in, but I had a week off in between jobs, and I've been cooking up something pretty big. The last time he was in between jobs, he got deep into claymation, so this should be different, hopefully. Presenting the Cones of Dunshire, a brand new gaming experience. Eight to 12 players. Two wizards, a maverick, the Arbiter, two warriors, a corporal, and a ledgerman. Now, the ledgerman just keeps score, and he wears this hat. Oh, boy. Now, the object is to accumulate cones. Four cones wins, but in order to get a cone, you have to build a civilization. The other amazing thing is the challenge. Actually, let me tell you more about the trivia cards, because you're gonna need to know about roadblocks first. Never mind. The thing about the challenge play is that it's basically the game in reverse. Then you roll three dice to see how many dice you roll with. Oh, 16, perfect. Lots of choices. Okay, each turn goes roll, buy, action. I mean, obviously, this would be much taller in the real game, but the corporal can veto. This should be green, too. How did this happen? Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no. What is this called again? The Cones of Dunshire. Oh, my God. The maverick should be able to trade lumber for agriculture credits. How have I not thought of this before? This is nothing, right? When do you go back to work again? Tomorrow, it's fine. I'll just throw this in the garbage. There is a crazy flu going around. Lots of miserable, dehydrated people with high fevers and diarrhea. And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered, miserable people is April, who hates me. I want another nurse. Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now. Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do, right? Yep. Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable. Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty. I get the sense that maybe you're angry at me for kissing Andy. No, I'm not. What are you talking about? That's crazy. And that you think it might be fun to take it out on me. Please don't do that. Do? I can't do anything. I'm sick. My blankets are on the floor. And I'm like, what? It's pretty great having Andy working in the building. The guy is so much fun. His new thing? Piggyback rides. Anytime you want. Piggyback, piggyback, move! Piggyback, bam! Dynawits! Hauser, hello. Hello. Did you get my proposal for the possible rezoning of lot 48? I have been busy. I know, but I think it would be a really great thing for the neighborhood. I don't doubt it, but it's really a question of resource allocation. And I completely understand that, but you and I both know that if we want to find the money, we can. I'm running late. Oh, I'll walk with you. See, the thing is, when we allocate money for... Hello, I am Leslie Knope, and I am here to interview for the Deputy Parks Director job. Leslie, this is ridiculous. It's your job. Take it. Well, I should have to interview, just like everyone else. Now, if you'll see on my resume, I held the position of Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation for almost 10 years. I know, I was your boss. I also walked you down the aisle at your wedding. Take the job and leave me alone. Come on, Ron, just interview me. No special treatment. Okay, fine. What do you believe should be the ultimate goal of this department? The Ancient Creek version of the park was the Agora, a gathering place for people from all walks of life. What are you writing? Is it good? What do you think is the best use of our yearly budget? It's right there in the name, maintaining our beautiful parks and providing healthy outdoor recreation. I'm sorry, Ms. Knope. I hope the correct answer is give it all back to the taxpayers. It seems you and I have fundamentally different philosophies. Frankly, it's a miracle we ever work together without killing each other. Good day. Ha ha, okay, no more goofing around. Just tell me I have the job. I have a lot of other people to meet with. I'll be in touch. Ron, come on, it's me. Give me special treatment. Well, one of the funner things that we do here in Pawnee is the annual Easter egg hunt. Tom hides the eggs, and I have to say he did an exceptional job this year. I've been searching for 25 minutes and I haven't found a single egg, and I'm an adult. Oh, yeah, I forgot to do that. Maybe Tom's trying to make this year a challenge, and if so, he's succeeding. I don't think a single egg has been found yet. Let's keep looking. We're gonna find one.