The Un-Special (Part 2/5)

I was here about a year ago, and I don't know if you remember. And I was, last time I was here I was telling a story, and I ran out of time. So, I thought I'd finish it now. And that's how you make a non-sequitur. Thanks for getting that, and seriously, thanks for coming tonight. I know you didn't have to, you could have stayed in and turned your brain off and stuck your head in front of that rectangle with the endless parade of changing characters that turns your brain into mush, right? Stupid books. Can bugs talk to you and show you movie pictures? I don't think so. Save a tree, watch TV. That's my message to you tonight. I have a lot of good ideas like that. My brain is so dense with ideas, I don't want to make it sound like I'm bragging, but I'm probably the densest person here. In fact, one of America's smartest doctors is so interested in my great ideas that she interviews me every week in her office for nearly an hour. During our last interview session, she calls them sessions because they're obviously like music to her ears. I call them obsessions because she writes down everything that I say. She asked me, Robert Mack, from robertmack.com, if your house were on fire and you could only remove one thing, what would it be? And as always, there are no right or wrong answers. And I said, well, I'd probably remove the fire. Which I believe is the right answer. Last week, I had a couple of shows in Chicago. And Chicago is very excited now because they have their home to the new pope. Any new pope fans? It's heathen night here. But the cool thing about the pope is you get to pick a name that you want to represent the things that are important to you. And so I was thinking if I was pope, I'd have a name that means strength and yet compassion. And also loyalty, that's important. And obviously, defeating evil, which is why I would be known as Pope Chewbacca. The second. Because there was... Anyway, has anyone, I've seen the pope, by the way. Has anyone, not this, the pope, but I saw an earlier the pope. Has anyone ever, some of you? Okay, I can't see anything, but I heard something over here. You saw a pope? Which pope did you see? The last one. Was it a cool experience? You were right, Frances, I don't know. Within five feet. Within five feet, wow. Were you in trouble, really bad? That's either a really good thing or a really bad thing, I would imagine. I didn't get that close. I saw a pope when he did a show. Not a full show, he just did like the hits. In the Vatican. Vatican City is where the pope lives. It's a country called Vatican City that's inside another city, which is, I know it's weird, which is inside the lower leg of Italy. That's what it is. Vatican City's here, inside Rome, right next to the tibia. You keep going that way, and then it's Libya. And then you go all the way down to Nibibia. This is all going to be on the test. Anyway, it wasn't the full thing, because the full thing is a big deal. I was at a funeral recently. Sorry, ladies, it wasn't mine. My friend Al passed away, and I went to his funeral. At the end of the service, everyone, I'm sure, has come up with different experiences. This is my experience. Some of you might realize that and recognize it and go, Oh, okay, I remember that. And for some of you others, it'll be like, I'm sorry, you drink whose blood? But it doesn't matter. Where I grew up, I went to St. Cyril's School. It's called actually St. Cyril of Alexandria, of Tucson, of Arizona. Of course. But the way the service ends is they give you bread and wine. It's kind of like a reward for sitting through the whole show. And it's not just sitting. It's sitting and standing and kneeling and praying and singing and kneeling. It's a bit of a workout. And by the time you're done, you're like, Yeah, I'm a little peckish. I think I could go for a snack. But not everybody is allowed to get the snack. Because this is serious. Because by the time you get to the front of the line, it's not bread and wine anymore. It's change into Jesus's body and blood. I know, Jesus, Hussein, Christ, his body and his blood. And they don't think like symbolically change or metaphorically. They believe it actually changes from bread and wine to body, from carb to protein. So you might need to consult your physician on that one. But it's the most important part of this particular one true faith. This thing is called transubstantiation because it transforms the substance. It's the only trans thing they're willing to talk about. It's such an important thing that they don't allow everyone to do it. You have to take a class. When you're a kid, you take a class and you learn why it's important. You get baptized. That's like a sacrament. And then there's this thing. It's communion, they call it. And so you have to prove that you know what you're doing. And then you get your badge and you're allowed to do it. And like I said, it's the most important part of this church. And their second most important thought or philosophy is the golden rule, which is treating other people the way you treat yourself. The way that you want to be treated, right? And that's what I meant to say. People are filthy. Treat others the way you want to be treated. For example, I went out to lunch with a friend of mine and I said I wanted the shrimp tempura. And so I got him shrimp tempura. And he's allergic to shrimp. So he gave it to me. Do unto others as you want them to do unto you. It's the golden rule. It's win-win. And that was Al, my friend Al. And he died in a non-shrimp-related accident, okay? Anyway, that used to be the second most important part of this church. But now the lawyers got involved and they're like, you know, we're not getting enough clicks. So they changed that rule to judging others. So judgment is the second most important. The trans thing and then judging others. It's a big deal. They have a book of judges and there's a judgment day. It's a pretty important thing. Anyway, I'm at Al's funeral and completely unrelated to the shrimp thing, all right? And people are, it's done and we're getting in line to get the bread and wine. And I didn't know if I was allowed to because many years ago when I was a kid, I took the class and I got my badge. But I don't know if it lasts forever like a Gmail account or if it expires if you don't use it like a library card. And I hadn't gone to church in a while because none of your business. But the reason, the scheduling thing, all right? I work a lot on Saturday nights away from home. And on Sunday mornings is when I'm scheduled to not be at church. Anyway, I didn't know if I was allowed to get in line because that's the most important thing. And the second thing is judging. And I didn't want other people to judge me because they're always like, why is he? He should be getting in line. It's disrespectful. And so he can't do that. And so I didn't know. And so I decided to ask a priest. We have any priests here or does anyone have an idea what a priest would say about this? I don't know the ruling of this. Does anyone have a thought on that? I thought the priest was going to say, hey, you haven't been doing it. So sorry, Charlie. But it turns out the priest said, hey, if you've taken the class and you've accepted all of that, you're always allowed to get the bread and wine as long as you haven't renounced the church. You haven't renounced the church, have you? And I said, I didn't sign anything. And so he said, that's fine. That's cool. You get in line. And I got in line. And so I'm fulfilling my obligation, which is the first thing. And then the second thing is judging. And I got to be honest with you, the bread and wine was like a lot drier than what I remember when I was growing up. So I give Snack Club two and a half stars if I'm going to be honest. And so I was thinking, though, I know that we've got a new pope, and maybe he can help get more people back to church. Maybe larger servings of the wine part. Or a new ad campaign, something that everyone could relate to. Something like, attention Jesus fans, catch all the thrills, chills, and spills of the Old and New Testament. Meet the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost with the most this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Open your hearts for an earth-shocking, Satan-socking, sheep-flocking, Philistine-mocking, water-walking, tongue-talking, pearly-gate-unlocking, supreme being. Plus, live, live, live, via satellite, special guest appearance by 15-foot, nitro-breathing, fire-breathing, ground-pounding robot clone of Leo XIV and a Satan-hating pubmobile. Pews 8.0 at 6.30, first mass begins at 8. One day only, this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. My God, it's massive. I wrote that today.