I Know You Are, But What Am I？ ｜ The Love Guru

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka. Welcome to my ashram, the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment Initiative Organization, or EIEIO. Guru Pitka had a farm, EIEIO. And on that farm, he did no harm, EIEIO. Okay. If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag. That's enough. I am the Guru. Let's look at the word Guru, okay? My goal is to get you to say, G-U-R-U-T-M. And the U of Guru is Intimacy, or Into Me, I think. Without intimacy, you feel nowhere. Tonight, I want you to go from nowhere to now here. Yeah. It's like in the electric company, you know? Now. Here. Nowhere. My laws of intimacy are kind of like my Bible. And let's look at the word Bible, shall we? The Bible is basic instruction before leaving Earth. TM. Put that ---- on a T-shirt. Show the T-shirt. Now. I myself have a Guru. Guru Taganmabuddha. And my Guru, Guru Taganmabuddha, had a Guru, Guru Chedaparmananda. And Guru Chedaparmananda had a Guru, Guru Hathasmalvina. Now, Guru Hathasmalvina had two main periods of his Gita, or Words of Wisdom. The first period came before he got syphilis. Some pre-syphilitic words of wisdom include, To know something is good. To do something is God. Then after he got syphilis, he would say things like, Eating ain't cheating. Did it smell that bad when you ate it? Liquor up front, poker in back. But his point was this. If you can't love yourself, you can't love another. And that's the end of that one. Krishna Hargita. Some announcements. On Friday, please join us for our first annual Gambler's Anonymous Monte Carlo Night. Yeah, just for fun, you know. Bring your singles, you know. All right, good night, everyone. It's show, Gurupika. Hey, any bears in the cave? Oh, yeah. Bear cub, left cave. Uh-huh. All right, that little booger gave me a nose whistle during the whole show. Now I'm ready to receive. Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness. Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson. Did you get into the VIP room okay? Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness. Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer. Oh! Why do you hurt me? I know. I know why. Mariska Hargitay, Gurupika. Mariska Hargitay. I so enjoyed your sutra, especially the part about not being a victim. Oh, thank you. Because you are such a generous benefactor, we are establishing the Mariska Hargitay Special Victims Unit. The whole nine yards. Thank you, Your Holiness. You have gone from nowhere to now here. I'm beautiful and I have a secret. Oh, yeah. Gurupika. This is Jane Bullard, owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Gurupika. So, you are the owner of the ice hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leafs. Actually, it's Leafs. Who said that? Oh! How did you get that? This little guy scared the crap out of me. I think I'm going to have to do a panty check. I might have some monkey mustard back there. No, I'm good. Who is this prick? Well, how do you do, friend? What did you call me, Jagamo? I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome. Name! You are a midget. I find that term condescending. Condescending? That's a big word for you. The man's an ass. Your Holiness, you're an expert on love. Yes, I am. Why do you think Darren Rowan Oak threw away his marriage? Well, in my book, I Know You Are, But What Am I?, I explain that when love goes wrong, nothing goes right. Yes! I've read it. It's impressive. It's nothing short of a masterpiece. So do you think you can come back with us to Toronto in the Team Jet? It's a date. Is it now? Well, this kitten's got a whip. This is great, Your Holiness. I can see you now, spreading your message of self-love on Oprah. Oprah!