7 Simple Habits of Healthy Relationships

If you have any kind of relationship in your life, then what you are going to learn today is going to make that relationship better. Whether it's a relationship with your partner, with your parents, with your small children, with your grownup children, with your siblings, with your neighbors, with your friends, with your boss or your colleagues, any kind of close relationship that you have in your life is going to become better when you apply what you are going to learn today in this talk. Stay tuned because these are going to change your relationships. They have changed my relationships in significant ways. They have changed the relationships of the people that I've taught them to and have made those relationships so much better and they are going to for you as well after you apply them. If you're new here, welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet. Take a second, introduce yourself in the comment section below. If you're back again, it is always good to have you. If you are a shifter, part of the shift society, identify yourself in the comments. I love having shifters here and watching and anything that you watch on the videos, take it into the shift society group, open it up for discussion. Let's talk about this more. I've seen several of you doing that and let's keep doing that in there and have deeper discussions about these talks. If you are interested in joining the shift society, you can get more information in the description below. Either way, my name is Julia Christina and I am a registered clinical therapist, a researcher, a coach, and the creator of my membership community, the shift society. I help heart centered humans break through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day. And because we are relational beings who need genuine human connection for our thriving and for our surviving, having better relationships is always something that is going to make our lives better for at least the short time that we're here on this planet. So let's talk about how to have better relationships, some very concrete things that we can start doing immediately. And like I've talked about before, just take one thing from this. If this, if it's a lot of new information for you and you're like, I'm overwhelmed, I can't do it all. Don't. I never said you had to, please don't expect yourself to. That's perfectionist thinking to think you have to have it all done immediately. Just take something, something that you got from this. You're like, yeah, that connected with me. That feels easy to do. That feels like something I can start doing right away. I'm going to start with that and let that get in there. Let that start. Let yourself do that and really integrate it. And once that's feeling solid, then come back and watch again and take something else and then start applying and implementing that until that feels kind of integrated into your kind of regular way of existing in your relationships and then try something else. So just let yourself take it slow and steady. You know, it's not go big or go home. It's go small to moderate and make it doable, achievable and sustainable. The first thing that is going to have a positive impact on any of your relationships is to try to understand first instead of just trying to be right. So many of us get caught in ego state where we're like, I have to be right. I have to prove my point. People have to agree with me. Instead of just taking a step back and being like, what if they don't want to? What if nobody wins if I am right? What if this is not adding to the relationship by me kind of beating my ideas down someone's head until they either give up or concede or likely just, you know, say that they concede to shut me up. What if just proving my point isn't providing really anything beneficial for this relationship? What if first I just seek to understand? And I'm not saying that we can't have perspectives and ideas that we share and we can't, you know, try to influence somebody else's perspective or that we are not allowed to kind of state our case and say, you know, what we were doing and why we were doing it and hope that the other person understands where we were coming from, right? And they kind of see it or whatever. So that can kind of help us move through many misunderstandings or any conflict or anything that's happening there, but also trying to understand it from the other person's perspective. If you are getting into a discussion about religion, about politics, about foreign policy, whatever that is, about how many Starbucks is a reasonable amount of Starbucks in any given neighborhood. There used to be two Starbucks right downtown Vancouver. There were two Starbucks right across the street from each other and a lot of people had a lot of opinions about whether this was a good thing or a bad thing or what this meant or whatever. But the point is to seek to understand. Tell me about your perspective. Tell me about your thoughts. Tell me about what you were thinking here. Tell me about why you saw that this way. Tell me about what feelings came up for you and why. What was going on? Tell me more about this. We talk about this a lot in The Shift Society. One of our number one sort of mantras is to get curious. Get curious about what's going on inside of us. Get curious about what's going on around us. Get curious about what's going on with other people before we seek to judge, try to understand. The next thing that is going to make your relationships better is to offer support first and suggestions later if and when appropriate. So many of us, we have good intentions. Someone comes to us with a problem and we immediately go into advice giving, into problem solving mode. And it's because we want to naturally help them with their problem and help them get through the problem. And so we want to fix the problem. But often people aren't coming to us because we are going to have some kind of magical solution for them. That they are usually fairly intelligent people that have thought through a variety of things and for whatever reason, they are being blocked from those things or don't think that they can do those things or whatever. There's something going on there. But more often than not, what people really want when they are coming to us with something is to just feel heard, to just feel understood. Right? And that comes again from number one, about trying to understand and maybe even asking questions. How did that make you feel? What's coming up for you right now? Right? Have you experienced anything like this before? Is this something similar? Right? What have you tried? What's been helping? What's not been helping? Right? Just really kind of listening and supporting and saying, you know, I'm here for me. I'm here for you. I, you know, I see what you're doing and I believe in you. Right? I can imagine that this is challenging and I see that, you know, that you are having to deal with a lot right now. Right? Like just being able to offer support saying like, how, yeah, how can I be there for you? How can I support you? And either, you know, recognizing the person for what they are doing and just being there, being on their side. And then if they're like, okay, you know, you have any thoughts or ideas, like I'm kind of stuck right now, then you can offer them, but like offer them loosely. Sometimes we get so attached to our solutions. We're like, we have, you have to do this. This is the obvious solution. This is going to be a thing that fixes it all. And we get like more attached to the solution than they are to actually wanting that solution. If you see it that way, it's like, we want them to want this, but they don't really want this, but we want them to want it. Instead of being like, Hey, here's some things that I've tried. Here's some things that have worked well. Here's some things that I've heard of, you know, as my great grandfather used to say, take my advice and do as you like. But really attaching loosely to our suggestions if and when appropriate, but more often than not, just really recognizing that people just want to feel heard and supported and valued and believed in. And often that in and of itself can be kind of not really the solution to the problem, but kind of give them the space to connect more with their rational and logical minds so that they can kind of see the trees through the forest and they have the courage to kind of make a decision. Someone close to me called me the other day in an absolute panic. They were feeling totally overwhelmed and like just really like on the verge of a really intense panic attack. And I just listened to her and I just like was there for her. And I was like, yeah, like I can hear that this is really tough. And Oh man, like I, you know, like this, yeah, it's really challenging. And, and just really just like listen to her and was like, it's normal to feel what you're feeling right now based on what's going on. And Oh my gosh, like, yeah, that is a lot. And you know, I just like listened to her and sometimes didn't even say anything. Just listened to her and just let her kind of talk. And then after she was able to kind of just like talk and sort of talk herself through the intensity of the emotion. And then she was able to kind of come back down and regulate herself. And then she was like, you know what, you know, I do need to kind of see it like this, or, you know, this might be an option or, you know, I haven't tried this. So this is what I want to do. She was able to kind of just like wrap herself up and come up with her own solution to her own problem. She didn't even need me to tell her what to do. And often we don't, right? Sometimes we want some suggestions, but she didn't really even need that. She wasn't looking for that. She just needed someone to be there for her, to help her regulate her emotions. So as you get through the eye of the storm and then be able to move to her own solution that made sense for her, that was her own idea. And usually we're a lot more likely to follow through on things that are our own idea rather than somebody else's for us. It's not to say that we can't, we're not open to other people's suggestions and won't act on other people's suggestions, but we are just more likely to do things that are our own ideas. More often than not, of course, not a hard and fast rule there, but typically. And so, yeah, we don't have to put all the pressure on ourselves. That's the good news to solve somebody else's problem. Um, often just letting ourselves be there for them is what they need most. The next thing that's going to have a significant positive impact on your relationships is to ask questions instead of making assumptions. Instead of saying something, I can't believe you did that. That was so inconsiderate saying, help me understand why you did that. I don't, I don't, I don't get it. It didn't, didn't seem, you know, it didn't seem right to me or it just didn't seem fair, but like I want to understand from your perspective to really just work on making or asking those questions, trying to, again, going back to that understanding. What would it be like if you assumed less and got curious more that you criticized less and seeked to understand more, that you took things personally less and asked clarifying questions more. What would that be like to ask questions instead of making assumptions? The next thing is to let yourself just apologize when an apology is due instead of justify. Now it's not to say that you have to apologize for everything. And if someone has a complaint that it's automatically your fault. But again, if we try to understand where someone is coming from and if we've done or said anything unintentionally that has hurt them in some way or impacted them in some way, just be able to say, you know what? Like I, I am sorry. That was not my intention and I'm sorry that it came across that way. Or I'm sorry that this happened. Um, that was my mistake. Right? Like just being able to apologize freely. It's so easy to apologize and sometimes our egos prevent it. They're like, well, you know, like I shouldn't have to apologize and I shouldn't have to say that. Like I had this reason, this is why I did it. And they should be okay with that. Right? Instead of just being like, I can be sorry and I can apologize for my part of it. Without also totally agreeing that I was completely in the wrong here. But we don't always have to just explain ourselves. And I do this a lot with my kids, right? Like if I ever lose my temper and I raise my voice or sometimes even yell, which I really try not to do, but sometimes it happens, right? I lose my cool and I get annoyed. I get frustrated. I get sort of overloaded. I'm not taking good care of myself. I'm not respecting my limits and I get past my limit and then I get mad. Right? And then afterwards I apologize to my children about it. Even if the reason why I got mad is because they weren't listening. They were running around. They were acting crazy. They were making messes. They were bugging each other. They were, you know, I could say like, well, these are all the reasons why I got upset. And if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have gotten upset. No, it's my job to regulate my emotions. It's not their job to regulate my emotions. So yes, I'm allowed to not like what they did, but I wasn't regulating my emotions and I lashed out in them. And so I can say, you know, I am sorry for yelling. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. So I don't have to apologize for my feelings. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed because you guys weren't listening because you were, you know, running around because you guys were bugging each other. And that was really bothering me. But regardless, I did not manage my emotions well. And I am sorry for yelling. You didn't deserve to be yelled at. Right. And so just being able to say, you know, I'm not justifying my behavior. I'm not justifying. I'm saying it wasn't right. This is what happened, but how I handled it could have been absolutely better. I could have handled that better. And I apologize for that. Instead of justifying our actions and being like, well, it was your fault that I did this. Right. And if you hadn't done this and I wouldn't have done this, being able to say like, I didn't like that you did this, but I could have handled it better. I'm going to ask that you don't do that. Again. I don't like that. And I'm going to really work on not lashing out in this way or criticizing or getting all worked up about it. Right. So being able to receive feedback, if we have done something that has upset someone or even owning, when we have done something that we are not proud of and being able to apologize for the next thing that makes our relationships better is being able to ask for what we ask for, what we want instead of getting resentful when the people around us don't mind read. And we do this a lot. They should know that I want this. They should, it should be obvious that this is what I needed. Gosh. Like I've known them for so long and they didn't like, they don't get it yet. Right. And then we ended up getting resentful and angry and bitter. And we ended up kind of like sulking and being like, and they have, they have no idea. They're like, I don't know why this person's mad at me. I don't know why this person is like giving me the silent treatment. I don't know why this person is being snappy with me. Like what is going on? Right. Because we have these assumptions. We assume that they should know and because they're not reading our minds, then they are somehow doing something wrong instead of just asking for what we want or what we need. Right. Someone said once, if they loved me, they would know what I needed. And to that, I say, if you love them, you will tell them what you need or what you want. You will set them up for success instead of testing them almost and like waiting for them to fail. Our immediate needs are not the center of anyone else's life and they shouldn't be. That's codependence. Right. And to think that someone else should be thinking about us and like always trying to anticipate what we need and what's going to make us happy and what they can do for us. Like that's not healthy. Of course there is kindness and consideration that happens in relationships and there is sort of this like mutual in healthy relationships and mutual desire to like be there for each other and to support each other and to show each other that we love them. But we're not always going to get it right and people aren't always going to know exactly what we need in any given moment. And sometimes they might get it wrong. They might do the exact opposite of what we need. So instead of being like, Oh my gosh, that's so inconsiderate being like, well, did I communicate that clearly what I needed in this moment? Because maybe at another time when you were feeling this way, what they did this time was what you wanted that time. But now this time it's something similar, but you don't want that. You want something else, but they don't know that. But then you're getting mad at them for not knowing that even though you didn't tell them. You see how that can work? So let people know what you need. Let people know what would be helpful. And even if someone, if you know, if you're in the opposite direction, if you are with someone who, you know, is going through something or is like dealing with something and you don't know what they need, just ask them like, Hey, how can I support you? What do you need right now? What would be helpful? Instead of trying to guess and then worrying about getting it wrong, just ask. And again, if the person hasn't asked for us on the other end to tell. The next thing that is going to make your relationships better is to point out things that people are doing well instead of focusing only on the things that they're not. Focusing on the things that people are doing instead of only pointing out and focusing on the things that they aren't doing. This is going to go a long way in our relationship. And I know, I know the people around us, they are often not quite measuring up to our standard, to our ideal, to what we think. They miss things, they mess things up. They overlook things. They are sometimes oblivious. And we're like, Oh, why does this person, my parent or my partner, my, my, my friend or my workmate, why do they always do stuff like this? Oh my gosh, this drives me crazy. And it's not to say that you can't have things that drive you crazy about people in your life. That's fine. It happens. Like nobody is as perfect as you or I. So of course everyone else is going to disappoint us. Not going to measure up, but honestly making it a habit of looking at what someone is doing, how they are contributing, the effort they are putting in. And if you look for it, you will find it on either side. If you are looking for all the ways that someone is falling short, you will find it. If you are looking for all the ways that someone is showing up, you will find it. Now it's not to say that there might be things in relationships where we're like, there's some serious inequities here. There's some serious patterns and habits that we have gotten into that are not healthy and that they are not good. And we need to work on changing some of this stuff, right? If you're in a relationship where one person always makes the decision and what they say goes and your opinions don't matter as much. And you're like, wait a second, like this just feels unequal. This feels, this doesn't feel right. Or if you've noticed that you're always the person that's like picking up the slack and doing the extra and the other person is just sort of cruising or coasting. And you're like, wait a second, you know, this, this is not feeling right. Like we need to look at this. We need to have a discussion about it, right? It's not to say that you can never have complaints and you can never look for ways to make things better and have those conversations and really see what's happening. Of course, there's a time and place for that, but there is also a time and place to be able to recognize what people are doing well. Especially if we kind of get in those States where like, so annoyed this person never does this. And now he's like leave their dishes on the counter or they don't load the dishwasher properly. Why am I obsessed about dishes right now? I don't know. Apparently it might be something I need to look at, but being like, okay, these are all these things that they're not doing according to what I think should be done or how it should be done. And I'm getting myself all worked up about it. And maybe that is something you need to address. But in the meantime, being like, okay, but I also see that they are doing these things. And maybe they leave their dishes right beside or on top of the dishwasher instead of just opening up and putting it in. But I also noticed that they are always the one who is folding and putting away the laundry, that they take care of these, the kids forms for their school, that they are taking out the garbage and I never take out the garbage. And that's something that they always do, right? That they are vacuuming the floors or whatever that is. I'm talking a lot about domestic stuff, but even if it's at work, if it's like, ah, this coworker, you know, they, they never quite finish up projects, right? They kind of leave the loose ends for someone else to tie up. And that annoys me being like, okay, but this person is always the one that like does the extra research and goes and compiles more of the information and kind of puts together. Yeah. They don't totally finish it and they leave that for other people to do, but they do this other kind of work in this contribution in these other ways. Right. And so just really taking a step back and being like, okay, instead of always focusing on what they're not doing, give ourselves a moment to really pay attention to what they are and then dealing with any kind of actual, you know, discrepancies through an honest and open and constructive conversation. The next thing that is going to make your relations infinitely better is to communicate clearly instead of passive aggressively or aggressively or even not at all, just stuffing it down and then becoming angry and resentful. Resentment is relationship poison. The more we kind of stuff things down, the more resentful we become and it's almost impossible to recover from resentment once it has built up enough in a relationship. And so this isn't to say that you bring up every little thing that comes into your mind because you're like, I got to bring it up or else I'm just going to shove it down and become resentful. Right? Absolutely not. Sometimes when something happens, we need to take a minute and we need to process through it what they said or what they did annoyed me or upset me. I didn't like it. Maybe you took it personally, but taking a minute to process through it and being like, okay, what are my thoughts about this? What are my feelings about this? What do I want to do with this? What's going on for me right now? Can I resolve it on my own? Not just shove it aside. Can I resolve it on my own and talk myself through it and get myself into a calm state where it's like, you know, what this is actually not a big issue. I was sort of overinflating it. I was making it a bigger deal. Don't need to die on this mountain. Don't need to bring this up. I can resolve it within myself and just move on. Right. That's different than being like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they did this. Oh, well, I'm just like not going to bring it up because you know, they should have known better. I don't want to get into a thing about it or you know, like, I don't think that, you know, I, I should like cause any riff, any riffles and ripples. I don't think I should cause any ripples and right. And so then we just actually don't deal with it and just shove it aside. And then we end up building up and then be like exploding, becoming aggressive or mean, or saying things that are hurtful or harmful because we've kind of shoved it down for so long. Or we become passive aggressive where we give the silent treatment or we make little comments under our breath. Or we kind of like do things like, you know, leaving an extra dish. Here we go back to the dishes, leaving our dishes on the counter and like not putting them away in like this passive aggressive thing to be like, I'm leaving my dirty stuff here. I don't care whatever that is. Right. So it could come out in these passive aggressive ways that can just kind of keep the issue going. So either depending on the circumstance, again, this isn't a hard and fast rule about what things you should bring up and what things you shouldn't really taking the time to be like, is this something I can resolve within myself? Can I work myself through it? And if the answer is yes, then that's that. And it's done. Doesn't mean you get to bring it up again because that means you haven't resolved it. But if it's something that you're like, you know what? I have resolved some of it on my own, but I still need to address it because this was not okay or I didn't like this or I want to work through this or I need, we need to deal with this. Then you communicate, communicate in a clean, clear and classy way. No low blows, no name calling, no under the underhanded remarks. And of course, again, we all do this. I'm not going to say that if you ever do this and you're failing as a human, I do this, right? Everyone does this, but it's just about really becoming more intentional about doing it less. So communicating clearly when it is necessary, when it is needed, when that's something that you want to deal with that you cannot resolve on your own with your own kind of process, something that needs to be addressed, not hesitating with that. If speaking up, if learning how to communicate in effective, clean, clear and classy responsible ways is something that you want to learn how to do well, make sure you get my workshop. It's called Speak and Feel Heard. It's exactly what it teaches you to do, how to speak up in a way that is responsible and respectful, but there's also received and heard and respected by the other person. Finding your voice, using your voice. It teaches you tools and strategies, specific step-by-step strategies to learn how to be a rockstar communicator in a way that you can speak and feel heard. That workshop is in the description below. And then, yeah, if you want to take this work deeper, if you want to really just be working on your own emotional management, if you really want to be working on changing your perspective on things, if you really want to be working on dealing with anxiety or depression or worry or perfectionism or your self-esteem struggles or boundaries and all of those things, how they're all kind of intermixed together, then join us in The Shift Society. Get on the wait list. That link is there below. But you can do this Speak and Feel Heard workshop while you're waiting for registration to The Shift Society to open. Always good to have you here. Let me know, what did you get out of the talk? And if you did get something out of the talk, if you found it helpful, if you could like the video, that would be amazing. If you want to get notifications for when new talks come out, subscribe to the channel and turn on notifications. It is always good to have you here. Take good care of yourselves. Take good care of the people around you. See you soon.