Healthy Hippie Parents. Tommy Ryman - Full Special

Sounds like we're gonna put you in a home soon. That's what that sounds like. My parents, they're good people though. They're great. My dad, my dad's kind of goofy though. He makes his own kale chips. Dad makes his own kale chips. He calls me up all the time. He's like, Tom, I just made a new batch of kale chips. You gotta try these. These are chips made from kale. Once you have these, you're never gonna want a regular chip ever again because they're so delicious. So I finally tried one. I was like, oh, my dad forgot what chips taste like. This is the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. Kale chips are not good. They're basically like someone left a salad out for five days and we're like, those are chips now. Get them in your belly. My mom's funny too though. She's interesting. She's really new agey. She's into energy and crystals and stuff. She's been getting weirder. I called her a while ago. I was like, what are you up to mom? And she was like, I'm activating rivers. I was like, oh, okay. So you got a job with the city or something? You're cleaning up rivers? And she's like, no, I get my crystals out. I go to the mouth of the river. I do a little ceremony. I put the crystal in and it activates the river. I was like, oh, sounds like we're going to put you in a home soon. That's what that sounds like. What? I was like, you've just been running around town throwing crystals into rivers. You're going to get picked up, mom. You can't be doing that. You got to have permits to river activate. But she loves doing it. She travels all over the country. She plans these camping trips by rivers so she can, she's got a website. If you ever want to look up which rivers have been activated in North America, you can find out, but she has a lot of fun. So after a while, I was like, maybe I should learn more about river activation in case I have to take over the family business. I want to make sure I'm doing it right. So I was like, can you just explain this a little more? So like, when you put the crystal in the river, what does it do to show you it's been activated? Like, does it start bubbling or make a sound? Or like, do the ducks get real happy swimming around it? Like, oh, this feels amazing on my feathers. And the other duck's like, yeah, this river must have been activated recently. The other duck's like, yeah, it was probably Barb. She's a really good river activator. Well, she's the only river activator right now. Her son's still learning how to do it. He's on ponds right now. He's going to work his way up the full river. Sometimes I tease her too. I called her. I was like, what are you doing? She goes, I'm in Montana. I just activated a river. I was like, I already activated that one. You just double activated that river. We should call Montana and let them know. But my parents, my parents have always been into like nature and camping. Like, my dad took me whitewater rafting when I was nine. When I was nine. Do you see this in front of you? Is this screaming whitewater rafter to everybody? Like, I weigh about 125 pounds right now. Can you picture me when I was nine? I weighed 38 pounds. Weighed 38 pounds, bigger glasses, no eyebrows. My dad walked in the house, looked at that and was like, that kid's ready to hit some whitewater rapids. But I was not ready. I flew out of the boat. Yeah. That's what happens when you're that little. You're on an inflatable raft and it bumps into a rock. It just launches you about six feet into the water. They had to throw a rope, pull you back in. Like, you okay, Tommy? You having fun? I was like, no, not really. My cardigan's all wet and I should be at home playing clarinet right now. I really don't know what I'm doing with this river. This river has been activated. You know how dangerous this is? And your kale chips are all wet. Good to be here. I'm so excited. This is fun. I've been having a good year. I did have, I had a big break. I was a semifinalist on Last Comic Standing. That was my big break. I made it all the way to the semifinals. Some of my buddies made fun of me. They were like, Tommy, why didn't you make it past the semifinals? What happened? Why didn't you make it further than the semifinals? I was like, well, I'm originally from Minnesota. I watched a lot of Minnesota sports. So I thought the semifinals was as far as you could go. I thought I won Last Comic Standing for a long time. Called my mom up. I was like, start buying some houses. It's almost made it to the semifinals. Yeah, this year's been fun. Last winter was kind of a bummer. I broke my collarbone last winter. That was a bummer. A couple days before Christmas, I broke it. I was doing something pretty dangerous. A lot of people have heard themselves doing what I was doing. I was carrying groceries. I had two bags. They were pretty heavy. And somebody had put ice all over my driveway for some reason. Not sure who did it. It shows up every year. And ice is hard to see. If you're not looking for it, you can walk right by it or on it. Yeah. I wish it came in colors. That'd be awesome. Like, oh, the red ice is back. Yeah. They had black ice, but that's clear too. So I don't know why they call it that. It's confusing. So I didn't see it. I was walking my groceries. I lost both my feet. I flew up. I landed right on my shoulder. And right when it hit, I was like, oh, that feels different than it's ever felt before. I get hurt so bad. And then my body just started making pain sounds that it's never made before. It started coming out of me. And I thought I would have a manly pain noise, is what I always assume. Like, you seem like you would have a manly pain sound. Like, you'd be like, and then your beard would grow a little bit more. That's an inch. I'll walk myself to the hospital. It's cool. But my pain noise went up. Like, it was just like, just laying in the driveway, surrounded by groceries so I could survive a couple days. Nobody found me. Luckily, my wife heard me. She came running out, threw me into the car, drove me to the hospital. All the doctors came out. They're like, is your wife in labor? I was like, that was me. I made those sounds. I think there's a baby in my shoulder. It feels like twins. So then they brought me into the emergency room. And it was winter, so I had a bunch of layers on. So the doctor was taking off my coat, my cardigan and stuff. And he got me down to just a white t-shirt, like my undershirt. And he goes, sir, is it OK if I cut your shirt off? I was like, yeah, you're going to have to, because I can't lift my arm up to get off. He goes, if I cut the shirt off, it is going to ruin the shirt. I was like, no way, for real? Like, when you're in medical school, they teach you that one. Just make sure the patient knows when you take a scissor to the shirt, it's not going to work the same way as it did before. They may want to get some buttons in the gift shop on the way out. I told him, I was like, you can cut it off. I'm not too attached to this one. It comes in bags of 12, so I should be able to track another one down. I know a guy. So he cut the shirt off. He sent me to the x-ray machine. Then I came back from the x-ray, and he goes, oh, Tom, we got bad news. He goes, your clavicle's broken. And I stared at him for a while, because I'm a head, shoulders, knees and toe guy. And I don't really know what a clavicle is. I was like, you can probably just take it out, I guess. I don't think I've used my clavicle for years. He was like, sir, that's your collarbone. I was like, oh, I've heard of that. Don't take that out. I want to keep that. So then I asked him, I go, so what's the next step? How do we fix it? I was like, do we go to surgery? What do we do? And he just pulled the sling out. He's like, you're going to wear that for about six to eight weeks. I was like, that's it? Just a sling? I was like, you're not even going to set the bone or anything? He goes, no, we don't do that for collarbones. He's like, we would if it was coming out of you, or if you're a professional athlete, then we would do some surgery for you. And then I was like, whoa, wait a second. Nobody asked me if I was a professional athlete when I got here. I didn't fill out a survey or anything. I feel like you're making a judgment call on this one. Like I walked in here, he looked at me like, I don't think he's throwing touchdowns this weekend. Let's give him a sling. But he was right. And it worked. The sling, it got better. It worked. And then I got the bill, the medical bill. And we had a deductible. So we just paid that. It was $900 is what I paid. So I think I paid $900 to have a guy cut my shirt off. I think that's what happened. Yeah. I looked at the itemized bill. It was like $25 for the scissors, $875 to cut the shirt off my body. And then the sling was free. They just threw that in there. So that's a good doctor. I shouldn't have just called my dad. He would have been like, walk it off, Tom. Give me $50. Why don't you cut your shirt off and make that into a sling? There you go, bud. I'm kind of an awkward person. I can break my collarbone in awkward ways. I'm just awkward all my life. There's just awkward things about me. I don't have eyebrows. They should be in by now, right? Get them in your 30s. I'll be like, can you put your glasses back on? Eyebrows are important. You got great eyebrows. Look at those. Way to go, man. I bet when you're surprised, people know you're surprised. Oh, I'm so jealous. Because eyebrows are important. You need them to express emotions. Now I got to draw mine in, but then I got to decide how I'm going to feel that whole day. It's a big commitment, right? I don't know. I could be surprised. I guess I'll put a surprise. What if I'm angry, though? Then I want a good angry eyebrow. Maybe I'll just do one surprise and one angry. I'll just turn my head accordingly to whatever happens in the situation. Yeah, I'm awkward. Awkward things always happen to me, too. A while ago, I went grocery shopping. I got up early. I was all excited to get my grocery shopping done. I had my basket. I was walking in the produce aisle, and a sock just fell out of the bottom of my pants. Sock just rolled out onto the floor. I kind of looked at it like, well, how did I get myself in this situation? I think what happened, I had done laundry, and there was an extra sock in there, just hanging out, and then it decided to come out. But it was early. I was so tired. I didn't know what to do. I was like, well, should I put it in the basket? That's going to be a weird, awkward conversation at the register now. Sir, you have a sock in here. Yeah, you bet I do. Did you want the other one? That one hasn't fallen out yet. So what I decided to do was just set my basket down, pick up my sock, and just leave the grocery store. I was like, clearly we got going too early today. We got to regroup, get our eyebrows on, we'll try again. Focus. Yeah, I've had multiple awkward experiences at the grocery store, too. The second awkward thing that happened at the grocery store, I got yelled at by the grocery cart corral guy. Yeah, the grocery cart corral guy, that's just the person that gets all the carts that are out in the parking lot, like at a Target, Walmart, or grocery, and then just brings the cart to the entryway. I didn't know they could yell at you. They can yell at you. And it was all a miscommunication because I had put my groceries in my car, and then when I put my cart away, when I'm at those kind of places, I like to find a corral that's really far away, and I like to get some speed going. I like to kind of get a run, and then let it go, and watch it fly and bang around in the corral. That's a really exciting Tuesday for me when I get to do that. So I did it. I found my corral. I executed the maneuver perfectly, but apparently there had been the corral guy was standing at a corral that was right next to my car, and he just thought he was waiting for me patiently to put my groceries away because he assumed that I would just hand him my cart like a normal human being. But instead, he saw me just go, nope, and then just push it like a mile away. And then right when I let go, I realized something was wrong because he was like, for real? And I looked over, and I was like, oh, oh. And I knew I could still solve the problem because a normal person would just run, grab the cart, bring it back to him, be like, oh, I'm sorry. That was rude. I didn't see you. But I just panicked. I was like, oh, no. I just got my car and drove away. So I'm pretty sure that guy hates me. He might have been the one that put ice on my driveway. But I do like grocery shopping, though. It's fun grocery shopping. At my grocery store, though, when everybody comes in, they always stop at that coupon plate. Everybody has to go through the coupon booklets. It's really weird. I'm like, can't we just, we all got to here, can we just have the deals? Like, why do we have to do arts and crafts for 20 minutes here? Flipping through books, like tearing them, like, oh, I tore the barcode. I need a new thing. And sometimes I'll forget to get the coupons. I'll get all the way to the register, and they'll be like, there's a coupon for that. I'll be like, oh, can I have it? They're like, well, they're back over there. I'm like, well, the grocery cart corral guy's over there. He's really mad at me. I can't really go back. Do you want this sock? Will you take this sock as a coupon? I did play clarinet. I know that surprises a lot of you. A lot of people look at me like, you look more like a tuba man, for sure. I played clarinet for a long time. I never really liked it. Like, I wanted to play saxophone, but the band instructor was like, nah, you're more of a clarinet guy. We gotta get you set up with a clarinet. It was weird. Like, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings if you're a big clarinet fan, but I never got into it. Like, it sounds like a goose, to be honest. Like, how do you serenade somebody with that? Just like... Is this working? Did I break it? This is what it's supposed to sound like? Okay. I did break my clarinet, though, because I'm a real rock star. Rock star. And it wasn't when I was little. I didn't just drop it. I was about 15 years old playing clarinet in my room, and I was like, you know what would make this clarinet song even cooler is some dance moves. That's what I thought. I was like, let's step it up to the next level, add a little choreography. So I just started jumping around. I was spinning in a circle, but apparently if you spin fast enough, the clarinet's built in five pieces, so the bottom half will just kind of fly off and smash against your wall. And then you do have to have a small meeting with your parents, because they have some questions when there's just shards of clarinet on their floor. And I didn't realize at the time that I could have lied to them. Or not lied, but just left some details out of the story. Like, when they're like, son, what happened? I would be like, oh, I just dropped it like a normal kid. Yeah, I wasn't spinning around. I know that for sure. Yeah, I didn't see anybody spinning. Or I could have been more clever, like, oh, I hit a note that never existed and it exploded. Too good at music. I told them the truth. I just looked at them. I was like, I was doing some spicy dance moves. Dance moves got way too spicy. And a clarinet smashed against the wall. So next time I'll just be a spicy further away from the wall. And that should solve our problems. They were mad I did a lot of kale chips that night. So I got excited news. I'll be married for five years coming up in June this summer. It'll be my five-year wedding anniversary, which is exciting. Thanks. Yeah. I did it. I got married. Yeah. I love being married. Like, we travel around and get to do exciting stuff. We got a dog recently, which was so fun. We got a dog. We got a little Boston Terrier named Olive. We got her from a breeder. People were mad at us. Like, you should get a rescue dog. Why don't you get a rescue dog? And I understand where they're coming from. Like, I think rescue animals are really important. But I've had rescue animals my whole life. Like, I was like, I just want one fresh one, one time. Can't I just have one brand new one that I can mess up and somebody else can rescue it later? Then technically, it's still a rescue dog. It's not right now. We would never give Olive up. She's amazing. When we were driving her home, my wife was like, now we got to get her outfits. I was like, what? She's like, we have to get clothes for the dog. I was like, I think you're thinking of babies. I'm pretty sure a dog can go a few days before he needs a sweater. Because growing up, I never dressed up my dogs. Like, they were all naked. They loved it. Not one of them ever came up to me like, my friend Biscuit was wearing a sweater today. And all the other dogs were talking to him. So I want to try that. But it is fun to dress the dog up, though. Once you start, it's a good time. Like, we got sweaters for her, jackets, like costumes. She's got Wonder Woman costume, dinosaur costume. So real practical stuff. Bumblebee costume. In case you're having a picnic and there's bees around, you put the dog in the bumblebee costume. All the bees are like, oh, that's a huge bee. Stay away from that. It's great. They make accessories, too. Like, besides clothes, they make boots. They make winter boots for dogs. Yeah. If you're thinking about buying a winter boots for your dog, you may want to pass. I think it might be a scam. Because we got the boots for our dog, it took me 35 minutes to put four boots on my dog's paws as I just wrestled with her. I was like, no, these are good. And then it was weird that that took that long, 35 minutes, because it only took her about 12 seconds to shoot him off her feet right when she got outside. Like, she just crossed the doorway and they just shot off. It was like, bing. And then she looked at me like, what was this about? I was like, I don't know. You can eat him if you want. Then we were going to my wife's cabin and she was like, we should get a life jacket for the dog. I was like, what? She's like, a life jacket, in case she falls off the boat. I was like, I'm pretty sure there's a swim move named after dogs. I don't think they need life jackets. I think it's just built inside them. Like, they know how to do it. Like the docky paddle. Like, you just put the dog in the water and if it doesn't swim on the way home, you get a new dog. That one was broken. You got an upgrade to the swimming kind. That might have been a cat. You should double check and see if that was a cat. But we got the life jacket. I'm not a monster. It was hot pink. It had a handle on it. So you just set the dog in the water and just bobbed around and stared at us. Just go out with the tide, come back a couple hours later. Just pick her up. My wife puts our dog on Instagram too. Our dog has a lot of followers on Instagram and I'd never seen it before. So my wife will take a picture of the dog and then she'll post a caption as if the dog is talking. So it's like, I hope I find some bacon today. They're like, my ball rolled under the couch. Hashtag Mondays are rough. R-U-F-F. Like, real good dog humor. But then other people will respond and they'll write captions but they write them as their pets. So it's just a bunch of crazy people talking to each other through their pets. I was like, this is amazing. We got another dog, Harvey, and I was like, I'm gonna run his Instagram but I'm more literal. I'm just like, woof, woof, grr, woof, woof, woof. Because that way I know if it's real dogs that are responding. We moved into a house recently and the house is fun because the dogs can run around the backyard. You have more space. But if you own a house, I didn't realize that it comes with maintenance. Did you know that? You have to fix stuff. What? And I'm pretty handy. Like, I have a tool belt that is just a regular belt that I duct tape a screwdriver and a hammer to. I like to walk around the house. It looks cool. And I fix some things. Like, the first thing that happened, we had storms in our neighborhood. A lot of people's trees fell down. None of our trees fell down but our whole cable for our TV, the cable just dropped into the backyard. And my wife was like, Tom, can you take care of that? I was like, you bet I can. So I called the cable company. I was like, hey, this is Tommy. I just want to let you know my cable fell down on the ground. I needed to go back up in the sky where it was before. And then the guy on the other end, he was kind of confused. He's like, well, actually, the computer's telling me your cable's working. I was like, oh, yeah, it is working. It's just on the ground, though. And normally it's up in the air. So I thought I'd call you when you get that tossed back up in the air. He kind of paused. He's like, no, Mr. Ryman, the computer is telling me it's working. I was like, I know this is a curveball. This is a weird situation right now. Yes, the cable's working. I can watch TV. But every time I go outside to mow my lawn, I got to lift a cable up every time I make a pass. It's just more work that I want to do. I was like, is this the number I called to put cables in the sky? Or is there a different number that does that? Maybe you could transfer me to, or if you want to kick this up to a supervisor, I'm ready if you are. I'm enjoying this conversation, though. And then he was like, well, I'm in Seattle. And I was like, I don't know what that has to do with anything. I was like, do they just have their cables on the ground in Seattle? Is that a new thing they're doing? People just drive over them and stuff? I was like, do you want to know where I am? I'm in my backyard staring at this cable that's on the ground. I really wanted to go back up in the air. I was like, do you want me to unplug it real quick so it says it's not working and then plug it back in? Like, I'll unplug it. You hit the button that sends the person out, and I'll plug it back in. Come on. So then he was like, fine, we'll send somebody out. So then this huge guy showed up in my house. He's like six foot, had a big beard. And he just put up, like, two twisty ties and stared at me the whole time. He's like, you couldn't figure this out, little guy? You couldn't have found some rope or duct tape from your belt there? Put them up here? I was like, he didn't tell me about the twisty tie trick. I think he wants me to move to Seattle. I got out of our conversation. But I did fix one thing, though. I fixed our front step. That was a big day for me. Because we had some people over for dinner, and one of them stepped through the step. And I was like, oh, that's not how those are supposed to work. Normally if you're on a step, you want to be on top of it the whole time. You don't ever want to be inside of a step. If you are, that one's gone bad. So no one got hurt, luckily. So I ripped up the old plank, and I ran to Home Depot. And I was like, where's your step section? I need a new one. And they brought me to the lumberyard. I've never seen so many steps in my life. I had thousands. I was like, I only need one today. But it's good to know you guys have backups. So they cut it down to size for me. I came home. I screwed it in. I was so proud of myself. I called my dad right away. I was like, I'll just fix this step. Let's go whitewater rafting. I'm ready. Let's do this. I'll bring the kale chips. Yeah, it's fun my way. The other thing we tried this summer, we tried gardening for the first time. Any gardeners in the crowd? Big gardeners here? Yeah, there's a rowdy bunch. Gardeners. What do you like to garden? What do you like to garden? Kale? Door's that way. You can let yourself out. We can edit you right out of this special. Do you really grow kale? Nice. Well, that's good. I'm sure. Send it to my dad. He'll buy it for me. He needs a good supplier, so we can set something up after the show. That's great. Do you grow other vegetables, too, as well? Like tomatoes? Carrots? Beets? Oh, you're going to have a great salad in three to four months or whatever. It is fun to garden, though, isn't it? You get to watch something grow. We tried to grow a pepper plant. That's what we were growing. I was at the farmer's market. They had one that was halfway done, so I was like, can't screw this up too bad. I came home. I brought the plant home. I set it on the deck. I was watering it every day. It's exciting because you're watching this thing grow. I was like, at the end of the season, I'm going to eat the pepper. That's going to be a big day for me. One day, I was in my living room just staring out at the deck at the pepper plant, and out of nowhere, a squirrel just ran up. Yeah, everything went into slow motion. I was like, what's happening? What's going on? He just walked up the back steps. I swear, he looked me in the eyes, grabbed the pepper, bit it, and it just ran off. My wife was sitting there. She's like, I think that squirrel just stole your pepper. I was devastated. My buddy was like, well, why don't you put some chicken wire around the plant? I was like, were you not even listening to the story? It was a squirrel. There was no chickens at all. That guy has no idea what he's talking about. That's what I learned. I'll never be able to live off the grid. That's not going to work. You sound like you could be really self-sustaining. You could have beets and kale all day, but if the zombie apocalypse happens for me, it's not going to be good. What happened to Tommy? He was dead within two days. Did the zombies get him? No, it was the squirrels. Squirrels ate his pepper. My wife and I, we've been traveling recently, too. We got to go whale watching. That was so exciting. Yeah. If you ever get a chance to go, go whale watching. It's amazing. This is what you do. You pay $50. You go on a boat for about three hours, and then you don't see any whales. That's an amazing business plan. That'd be like if you came to the show tonight, paid your money, and then like, well, the comedians are just wandering around town. Good luck. If you find one, he might tell you a joke. It'll be good. Oh yeah, side note, you might get really sick while it's happening, too. There was people that paid that money and got seasick. I felt so bad. They had their head down the whole time, so I just described amazing whales to them. I was like, there are so many whales. It's like 50 whales. Don't put your head up. It's so awesome. It's amazing. So worth the $50. The other trip, my wife and I, we went to New Orleans, and there we went on a river ride to see alligators, and they throw food in to get the alligators to come, which is exciting, but what they were throwing in the water was marshmallows and hot dogs. That's what they threw, and I got upset. I was like, why are you feeding them what Boy Scouts eat? This seems dangerous. You're going to lose a troop next week if you keep feeding them marshmallows and hot dogs. It's amazing, though, to see. If you've ever seen a wild, majestic animal eat a marshmallow, it's really exciting and then depressing at the same time. I love being married, though. It's exciting. Proposing to my wife was the most nerve-wracking thing I ever did. It was intense. Who's married here? Clap if you're married. Any married people? Oh, that's people. That's great. How long have you been married? Almost a year? Yeah, way to go. You're doing it. That's fantastic. Where did you two meet? Here in Provo. That's great. This is a great place to meet people. I've been around town for the day, so I was like, this would be a wonderful place to meet a significant other, so you're lucky. How did you propose? That's what I was nervous about. You went to a restaurant? Oh, that sounds amazing. Did you hide the ring in the food or anything? No, that's right. That's dangerous. You shouldn't do that. That's cool. Were you surprised when you proposed? Yes? Oh, that's the best way, and you had the ring with you and everything? Did you get down on one knee? Nice. I never know why we have to do that, though. I feel like the first person that ever proposed was walking and then dropped the ring and was like, uh-oh, just picking it up, and then they turned around like, oh, it's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done. Like, oh, no. Now everyone has to do this forever. I hope they have good knees. That's sweet. Give them a round of applause. They're almost half a year. So exciting. Yeah, I was nervous. I asked her parents for permission before, or not permission, but I just wanted to give them a heads up that this was going to be in their life for a while. I hope you like clarinets. You're going to hear a lot of it. But the way I did propose to her, we were at her family's cabin. We were on the beach. The dogs were in their life jackets bobbing around. It was really romantic, and my wife really loves games, so I was like, oh, do you want to play hangman? She was like, yeah, I do. So I did all the lines in the sand for the phrase, will you marry me, and then had her start guessing letters, and that's when I started getting super nervous because I was like, oh, this is really happening. Like, I'm about to propose, and I couldn't back out because I couldn't think of another phrase that would fit. I was like, I'm fully committed. I got to do this now. So she guessed letter M, and I put the M for the word marry, but I forgot to put the M for the word me, which that's an important part of that phrase. It really clarifies who's doing the proposing and what's happening. So she was trying to figure it out. She was getting a little confused, and she was guessing more letters, and then finally she was like, will you marry me? I was like, I guess so. It's not really traditional, but whatever. Did you bring a ring? Because I brought a ring. So then I got down on my knee. I officially proposed. She said yes. She was all excited, and after it was all done, she took me aside. She was like, Tommy, I love you, but I just want to let you know that there are two R's in the word marry, but there's no spell check on the beach. That's a tough one. It's tricky. She was like, who's Mary? I was like, I don't know who Mary is. For our honeymoon, we drove around Lake Superior because a lot of people were like, that's just like Hawaii. Why don't you drive around one of the Great Lakes? But it's not like Hawaii. It was a lot like driving around a big lake. That's a huge lake. It was fun, though. We camped and stayed at lodges, but it was a lot of driving. I got pulled over, too. Accidentally pulled over, which I didn't know was possible, but I do things a little differently. We were up by Duluth, Minnesota, and we're driving, and a state trooper came right behind my car, and he just started shouting at us over the loudspeaker. He was just like, like mumbling. I turned to my wife. I was like, I think we're getting pulled over. I was like, maybe they've had budget cutbacks, so they don't use lights and sirens anymore. Apparently, they just mumble at you until you pull over, so I started pulling over, and as I was pulling over, I realized another state trooper had pulled somebody else over, so this guy was coming for his backup, because then he started yelling at me more. He's like, I'm not pulling you over. Get out of my way. Don't pull over, but I had already pulled over, so I was like, I'm kind of stressed out. You got to give me a second. This is an intense situation. He was like, sir, just move your car. Please get out of the way, so I started to get back onto the freeway, and a car just flew by, and he was like, well, don't pull into oncoming traffic, sir. You know what? I'm going to have you stay there. I was like, now I really am pulled over. I just pulled myself over. This is fantastic. Maybe he'll let me fill the ticket out, too, like self-checkout. I can just do this all by myself. I'll probably give myself a warning. That's what I feel like I deserve in this situation, so then he came walking up to the car. He's like, what's wrong with you? I was like, oh, it's been a big day. Where do you want to start? I was like, I can't spell Mary right. My dog's wearing a life jacket in the back seat. Trunk is filled with kale chips, but he let me go. He's like, you're a goofball. Get out of here, sir. Now I just never pull over cops no matter what, even if there's five or six of them. I'm like, not falling for that again, boys. I love my wife, though, because we get along because we think of things the same way. We had to move a dresser. We had to move this big 150-pound dresser from our upstairs to our downstairs, and my wife is like, we should take our shoes and socks off so our feet grip better, and I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense because you always hear about those moving companies that are like, barefoot moving companies, shoes and socks off when you're going to be moving heavy furniture around. So we were both excited getting our shoes and socks off, and she was right. Your feet grip better. She's correct, but they don't grip as well when the dresser slams down on them. Yeah, but we learn together as a team, so it's fun. I learn new things about her all the time, too, like she talks in her sleep. That was exciting. I learned that at 2 30 in the morning. Yeah, like I was laying there, and all of a sudden, she just shot out of bed and was just like, watch out for the guy. I was like, what? And then she just went back to dream world like, I'm out, I'm out. I was like, I'm going to need more details on the guy. She's apparently in the bedroom. Sometimes she just laughs in her sleep, too, which is exciting. She doesn't even talk. She has a beautiful laugh. As a stand-up comedian, it was great. It's wonderful, but when it comes out at 3 30 in the morning, it is terrifying. What are you laughing at? Is the guy back? What's happening? Let's get the dresser. We've been talking about having kids because we have so much dog clothes. I could put that on a human. When we first moved in together, my wife and I, she wanted a rack for a pet. I didn't know people had those for pets. I thought they just lived in sewers and stuff, but I love my wife. I was like, if you want a rat, we'll go get one. We went to the Humane Society and we bought a rat. Here's some advice. If you ever do any rat purchasing in your future, definitely go new on the rat. Don't go rescue on the rat. Pay the extra $3 and get a brand new rat because we bought a used elderly senior citizen rat. Rats only live two to three years anyways if they're healthy. This guy lived about three months and he died. He died in my wife's hands. She was in the living room. I was in the kitchen making a grilled cheese, having the time of my life. When from the other room, I heard deep sadness that I'd never heard before, real guttural. I was like, is she playing clarinet without me? I got to go jam. I came running in and she just had her pet in her hand. I felt really bad because that's her buddy and her friend, but at the same time, I was like, we need to get that dead rat out of your hands as soon as possible because I'm pretty sure that's what took Europe out. I read about it in history. We probably shouldn't have it in our living room. We put it in a shoebox and we set it on our deck and I was like, what do you want to do with the rat? She was like, I want to bury it, but it was February in Minnesota, so that did not work out very well. I was like, what are other options? She was like, maybe we could cremate it. I was like, what? I just finished a grilled cheese. I've never done something like that before. She was like, no, professionally. I was like, oh yeah, we should pay somebody. That makes sense. Get some experts. We looked into it and there were places that would cremate the rat, but it was going to cost a hundred dollars to cremate the rat, which exceeded our rat cremation budget by $100. So then we had the rat on our deck for a couple of days, which was like a visitation for the neighborhood animals to say their goodbyes. And my wife came home and was like, Tommy, we got to figure out what we're going to do with this guy. So what we decided to do was just drive around town until we found the most beautiful spot that had a garbage can. And we said some words and we laid Lex Luthor to rest. I read some nice newspapers. He was by a really pretty lake. My mom came and activated it. It was a beautiful funeral. Thank you so much, you guys. You're wonderful. Thank you.