A Guide To Fighting Dangerous Mythical Creatures and Cryptids

Dangerous cryptids and how to fight them Takalashe are mischievous little critters whose only goal is to cause complete chaos, which is really annoying considering how relatively non-threatening they look. Originating from Zulu mythology in the South African country of South Africa, Takalashe are said to be pale little gremlin or goblin-like creatures with big ol' kissable lips, grotesque pointy ears, hollow eye sockets, long bony fingies, and perhaps their most notable feature, a big gaping hole in their melon which is supposedly their source of power. Oh yeah, as if just causing a general ruckus wasn't annoying enough, the little guys also have the power to turn invisible. All they have to do is chug some water to plummet their opacity down to zero, then they're just free to slap your knees without being detected. It's pretty common amongst South African residents to hear tales of the Takalashe, often as a deterrent to young children to not wander off or stay up late, lest one come in the night and munch their toes off. But if you ever find yourself confronted by one of these little fellas, there are a few things you can do to fight back. The most common tactic involves propping your bed up on some cinder blocks like it was a car left alone for five minutes in North Philadelphia. The added height will deter the miniature mongrel from being able to climb up and harass you. While you're pointing and laughing at the thing, take the opportunity to huck a lamp at it and knock it out cold. Next, tie the sucker up with some common bedroom rope and pour some of your healthy supply of spare battery acid down the critter's gaping head hole. That'll teach him. Time to take a trip down to like the one country any American knows in South America, Brazil. It is within this crime-ridden hellhole that you can find the Corpo Seco. It's a malicious zombie-like creature who was once just like you and me. According to Brazilian folklore, a Corpo Seco is created after a person dies and is rejected by both heaven and hell. Thus, the creature is cursed to roam the earth for all eternity with the sole goal of terrifying the living. Besides being a great reminder to stay hydrated, the Corpo Seco looks like your typical zombie. An emaciated corpse with completely dry skin and long fingernails. It's nothing but skin and bones. Actually, the name Corpo Seco translates to dry body. So that makes sense. Some Brazilian parents who want to keep their little crianças in line may offer a twist to the legend. Instead, they may insist that a Corpo Seco is created from children who disrespect or mistreat their parents. You gotta love good parenting. Little side note here. You ever go to like a Home Depot or a large hardware store where they have them big boxes up on the top racks? Yeah, no joke. My dad used to tell me that that's where they would put bad kids. And I'm a better person for it. Love you, dad. Well, we all know that the best way to discard your run-of-the-mill zombie is to exercise your Second Amendment rights or the Brazilian equivalent. Since the poor fellow has no muscular structure, he isn't going anywhere anytime soon, which allows you to get in some hefty target practice. Imagine you're just chilling on the calm high seas trying to catch some fresh tuna when all of a sudden... Aw, come on. This is an Umibosu. And he's pissed. What you doing in my waters? Umibosu are Japanese spirits described as several meter tall humanoid black figures which reside in oceans, seas, and bays. They're believed to be the vengeful spirits of monks who were previously murdered and cast into the sea. Don't know who's going around murdering monks and dunking them overboard, but hey, stuff happens. The calm ocean waves quickly turn into a chaotic nightmare as your ship is tossed and turned like a turd in a toilet. This all could have been avoided if you just sacrificed a little bit of your tuna catch, but shoulda, coulda, woulda. But fear not. There is a solution to this problem. Upon rising from the depths, the Umibosu will demand a barrel from the sailors it encounters. If you present the barrel to the big nude dude, he will be most thankful, returning his gratitude by completely reducing your ship to toothpicks. Your best bet is to actually give him a bottomless barrel, which will just end up confusing the big Umibosu as you laugh and sail away at a whopping 5 miles per hour. But if that also fails, you could always just radio in a volley of shells from the 460mm Type 94 triple turrets mounted on your backup battleship, the Yamato. 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In your last conscious moments of severe torture pain, you may ask yourself, where did this Chianuk even come from? Well, some believers in the Filipino community claim that the terrifying tyke is the offspring between a respectable young woman and a horrifying but equally respectable demon. After doing the do and slopping out the nefarious newborn, the new parents make like a tree and **** off. This, understandably, angers the baby, who quickly develops abandonment issues while its mother brags to her friends about being dicked down by a literal demon. Thanks to multiple trauma-induced synapse connections, it has no choice but to seek vengeance on anyone unfortunate enough to come across it. Like you. So in the event that you approach an abandoned crying demon baby, be sure to quickly give it the ol' factory reset by jamming your finger into its soft spot. This will instantly calm the beast while simultaneously destroying all cognitive ability. Now, you can lease it out to sweatshops to make a steady side income. If you ever needed an excuse to stay away from the Arctic, the Kalapillowit might be what you're looking for. This absolute horror stems from Inuit mythology, way up in the Great White North. Guaranteed to make anyone with thalassophobia's toes curl, the Kalapillowit waits just below the icy waters for a potential victim. They are described as scaly humanoid creatures with a female appearance and a unique but pungent sulfurous odor. So they're smelly fart fish women. According to legend, they are said to be child snatchers, preying on any unattended children wandering the Arctic beaches or playing on sea ice. So one moment you may be looking out at little Johnny Johnny Yes Papa having the time of his life as he ever so safely jumps up and down on drifting sea ice, while the next he is snatched up and dragged down into the watery depths. Once your kid is snatched, there's really not much you can do. They're doomed to reside in one of these stinky fish women's many robe pockets, or at least for as long as they can hold their breath. So how can you avoid or defeat the creature? Well, for one, don't leave your young children unattended in an Arctic setting or really any setting. Kalapillowits aren't the only monsters out there willing to snatch kids up. But if you do want to have your child create memories of playing on the ice and you're sticking nearby, there's no shame in keeping your trusty mallet on hand. Oh boy, shadow people. Probably one of the most commonly spotted cryptids on this list. Heck, you may have even seen one recently or will soon. They look like pretty much how you would think. They're just black figures with little to no discernible features, just menacing shadows of where people might be. While some may be more of a transparent misty figure, others can appear to be blacker than black, with you being able to see them in complete darkness. These things are terrifying and are one of the most common sleep paralysis demons. Speaking of which, perhaps one of the most famous shadow people is the Hat Man, a dark, foreboding figure that stares at you while you sleep in the darkest corner of your room. He is commonly depicted with eerily soft, glowing red eyes and sporting a wide-brimmed hat. Just the sight of him alone is enough to make your blood run cold and your heart stop. Other shadow people are said to be detected out of the corner of one's eye but vanish when trying to catch a glimpse. So actually back in the day, I had this one incident where I was absolutely shredding on Guitar Hero 3. I was trying to get through FCP Remix on Expert and I remember that my hearing just started going out. It was like I could only hear TV static. And not only that, I actually started getting tunnel vision so my peripherals were blacking out and the TV static was getting louder and louder. But the moment that I actually started to take notice to it and I whipped my big dumb head around, that's when everything just kind of returned back to normal. So I don't know if that was a shadow person or if I was just extremely sleep deprived and experiencing the side effects of staring at a screen and standing for several hours, but probably the latter. Anyway, if you want to avoid any and all shadow people from popping up in your life, there's really only one solution. You're gonna always need to be in a room that's brightly lit from multiple angles to eliminate any shadows. Sure, your sanity and your electric bill is gonna take a beating, but hey, at least you won't be seeing any shadow people. Ah, the Bloop. Now this one's a bit of a mystery as the only evidence for its existence is a small clip of audio picked up from a deep sea hydrophone far off the coast of South America in 1997. The audio is of an extremely loud, low frequency sound from the Pacific Ocean's darkest depths. The sound was actually so loud that it could be heard from over 5,000 kilometers or about 54,000 Statue of Liberties away. Take a listen. Some might think that the audio is just your dad mowing the lawn again at seven in the morning, even though the HOA has told them multiple times to have the common courtesy to start after nine. But others find the audio to be distressing and mysterious, leading to rumors and whispers of the Bloop, a terrifying aquatic supergiant that has proportions way beyond what we have previously known to be possible for deep sea creatures. Some have argued that in order to produce such low frequency vibrations, the creature would have to be over 250 feet long, over two and a half times the length of a blue whale, the largest known animal on earth. So is it a nightmare-inducing ultra mega whale capable of casually deep throating other whales? Or is it something a little bit more scientifically reasonable? Well, that's what a gaggle of smart fellas wanted to figure out, and through years of some pencil pushing, a lot of Greek letters, and additional audio recordings, a discovery was made. In 2005, scientists had confirmed that the Bloop was audio captured from a non-tectonic cryo seism, basically some ice broke off of an iceberg somewhere. Well, since the Bloop isn't actually a gargantuan monster and it's just an iceberg, that means you can do this. Spring-heeled Jack, rarely referred to as Jumboot's Jamstrang by a select few, is a humanoid cryptid that was active in Victorian England. This bouncy butthole is basically what kids thought life would be like when they begged their parents for moon shoes. The name is derived from the man-like creature's ability to perform acrobatic leaps well beyond the capabilities of any normal human, hopping up to rooftops in a single bound. Looking like a rejected British Batman, Spring-heeled Jack was first spotted in the early 1800s in London, England, and he was quite the bastard, performing all kinds of despicable deeds, such as leaping onto carriages and crashing them, or assaulting young women and ripping their shirts with his metallic claws. The most famous sighting came from a young woman in 1838 who claimed that one night, a man impersonating a police officer had lured her into the street. When she shed some candlelight upon him, it revealed a grotesque face and burning red eyes. She had claimed that the man spewed white and blue flames at her and leapt towards her, cutting her neck and grasped with his sharp metal claws before being scared off by the woman's sister who came to the rescue. Just nine days later, another young woman had a similar encounter, stating that a man had spit blue fire in her face and attacked her. And before you suggest it, no. Jack the Ripper didn't surface until 50 years after these incidents, so it was highly unlucky that it was the same person. So how do you fight back against a jumpy jerk like Spring Hill Jack? Just keep a pocket knife on you. A good slice to both Achilles tendons will do the trick. This one's a real hoot. Originating from the Andros Island of the Bahamas, the Chick Charney is a big old barn owl. This ornithic nightmare stands at three feet tall with creepy long legs, a large wingspan, and humanoid arms used to twist the heads of its victims. Since it is but a simple owl, it possesses the ability of flight and exceptional night vision, but it can also somehow manipulate probability, allowing it to bestow good luck or bad luck. Give it to me straight, doctor. Is my wife gonna live? Probably. Ah, wait, never mind. But it has to be said, even though it is a big dangerous bird, it's still a bird nonetheless. And what better way to get rid of a big old bird than with a big old musket? And with that, you now have what it takes to survive against some cryptids. You know, if they were real. If you want to survive something else, you can download World of Warships using my link below. Be sure to use code Bravo for them free thangs to get you started. But before you do that, here's another video. I'll see you there.