Ryan Reynolds From Chaos to Charm His Most Unexpected Romantic Moments in The Change-Up

So, what's the weather? Listen, the only reason I'm here is because my boss told me to be. This is not a date. This is not a get to know you. This is just me trying to save my job. I go. Would you sit the **** back down? I showered, I showed up, I'm starving and I could use a drink. How long have you known Dave? My whole life, actually. And have you ever seen him act like he did yesterday? Like a super douche. Yeah, I have at times. But I'm really hoping that he didn't say anything to offend you. He totally did. But I like being offended. Just usually after work. Wow. Here's a bottle you ordered, sir. Excellent. Send that ---- back. Bring us two McAllen 25's neat. Right away, ma'am. So, let me ask you something. It's a question. How do you like working with Dave? How is he? I love it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He's the best. I mean, I... Actually, if you must know, I used to kind of have a crush on Dave. Oh, no you didn't. You're funny. I mean, obviously he's married, so... Right, obviously. Obviously. Super married. What do you do, Mitch? Me? For a living? Yeah. You know, I am... Why? When I'm not eating hummus and ferociously masturbating, I dabble in light porn. I hear that's a growth industry. Yeah. I'm just gonna get everything on a dessert menu. I'm gonna order like six desserts. A lot of sugar. Yeah. A lot of scotch. Yeah. That was a lot of fun, though. That's what it really was. Was? What, are we done? It's only like two. No, I'm just messing with you. Yeah, no, let's go to a rave or something. You wanna get raving? People raving right now? That's rave. Yeah. I forgot about raves. Oh, man, I'm messing with you. Gonna do that? No. I do have an idea. What do you think about doing something that we will really, really regret in the morning? You into it? Yeah, I'll definitely do that. Okay. Okay, let's go. All right, let's go. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Really? You're sure that's what you want? Absolutely. I like that. You're okay with that being on your body for like forever? I feel pretty good about it. How's yours down there? It's good. Tickles a little. Rico. Yeah. What do you think of this turn, man? I don't know, man. How's Tommy? Tommy. Yeah, man. Check this out, man. You know, you never did tell me about your childhood. Really? Now? With the sons of anarchy between your... Let's see here. Tommy, Rico. Hey, guys. We're sightseeing now. Let's move it along, please. Come on. You're such a gentleman. I only have one ponytail that's concave between your legs, so everything's fine. I'm kidding. I was absolutely joking. I love your ponytail and that little pirate beard. Still kidding. That's me there. That's nice. Thanks. Yeah. Good night. Hey, Mitch? Yeah. Are you going to call me? I thought you said this wasn't a date. Things change. Hey, Sugarbug. Hi, Daddy. Hey. Hey, my precocious little daughter. I don't talk like that. You do. I really don't know what it does to me. Jamie, hey. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so crazy. That's... Terrific. Hi, Jamie. Are you going to stay for dinner? No, I can't. I can't stay for dinner, but I would love to... Look, I got to tell you something, James. I can't talk right now, Mitch. It's been so crazy here. The twins are a half hour past their bedtime. I know that, Jamie. What are you doing? I got to... What are you, some kind of animal? Come on. I have an emergency phone call in four minutes. You know that building? The one 11-story building? Yeah. I have to remove three stories somehow. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. So ridiculous. It makes no sense at all. I'm not Mitch. What? I'm Mitch. He's Mitch. I'm Mitch. Somehow we switched bodies. That's Dave. And I'm Dave. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. See, what happened was, is we pissed in a magic fountain. Uh-huh. And then the next day, it disappeared. They moved the fountain somewhere. And then they moved it somewhere, and I don't know. And then when they find it, we're going to switch back. We had to pee because we were drinking. We were drinking. That sounds like a plan. Can you start the bath for the twins? Okay. Hey, Pumpkin. Pumpkin, listen. This is syrup. Mitch, no. Ugh. No, no. Don't call me Pumpkin. Okay? And you promised me that you would clean out the garbage disposal. It smells like cabbage now. Sit down. Just sit down. One second, okay? Just humor me, all right? I want you to ask me one thing that only Dave would be able to answer, okay? Just one question, please. I'm begging you. Good idea. Okay. When is our anniversary, Dave? April 17th. Next question, please. Wrong. So close. 19th. 17th's your daughter's birthday. 19th's your anniversary. Why do you know that? You think I'm a monster? I sent you a card. Okay, Jamie. Hey, listen to me. Okay. Ask me anything else. Oh, my gosh. Mitch. I don't have time for this. Come on. One more. Just make it tough. Really tough. Only Dave would know. Stumper. Fine. What is my favorite color, Dave? Red. Celadon. Do you not understand what we're trying to accomplish here? I mean, it's the opposite of help. Okay. Honey. Okay. I got it. I'm going to tell you something that only I, that only Dave would know. Three years ago, you took your vibrator. You took your vibrator. Morning. Into the bathtub and it short-circuited and electrocuted your vagina. Hang on. And there's now the cutest little bald spot right there. Hi. Oh, my God. Oh, it's me. This hasn't been fun. Good story. You son of a bitch. How dare you tell him that? God. Wow. What is wrong with you two? God, no. Would you like it if I told him that you have a ball that feels like two balls? So it's like you have three balls. Dave has three balls. A bouquet of balls. That's bad. This idea ******* sucked. Hi. Did you hear the good news? King Cobb and Amalgamated agreed to go into binding mediation in two days. Wait, hold up. What do you mean? Wow. Two days? So I'll have my briefs on your desk by lunch. That puts my balls on your chin by dinner. That right there is schedule for sexual harassment. Awesome. I'm sorry. Have we met? No, we haven't. I'm not Mitch Blanco. Hi, it's Sabrina McKay. Sabrina. Hold on. You two guys should go out. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. You two guys need to go out. Absolutely, you two should go out. You're so single, Mitch, right? And this one here is just so your ******* white hot, right? This body. Did you do a lot of swimming in college? Don't answer that. You bet she did. Oh, my God. You guys need to go out. You need to have a nice steak dinner, do some dancing, go to like a Korean nightclub, right? I don't know, get a belly full of pills. I don't know what you're into, but just have some fun, right? What about Echo on 7th Street, Saturday at 8.30? Great, great. He's totally free, so he's going to meet you there. Don't **** on the roof, though. That place got like this non-resin tar that's a bastard to wash off. So, just oral. Yes, you're thinking about it. She's in. This is good. You're going to get me fired. I swear to God, you listen to me. Shut it down for one second. You listen to me for the first time in your life. You're ******* good looking, okay? You're single. You got the right number of ******* balls in that bag, and you got the opportunity to nail number one on your cancer list. Can't do that. I'm not doing it. You need this. This is ******* dinner with her. This is so good. I mean, what's going on between us is just like... It's crazy, crazy. Here's what's crazier. Not using it. Not using it on her. You use it for her, you use it for you. And maybe a little bit for me, you know? Remind yourself of that. Remind yourself of the big ******* crater you created right there on Tuesday night. Oh, the Tuesday night again. I could use that. Will you please drop that? Jesus Christ. That big day with the Tuesday night. You fucked me. You owe me. Respect my life. Respect mine. Yeah, you respect your life. Fine. Proud of you. You just promised me you'd listen to every word I said, okay? Every single syllable. You got it? Did you hear everything I said? Caught a few things. Yeah, just enough. You betcha. You go have a good time, little girl. I got your life all put away here nice and safe. Where's Dave? Dave's in the shower. You okay? Hey. What's going on? Dave's just acting really weird. How? He's just doing weird stuff. Like, he wore his shower sandals to work yesterday. Forgot to pick up the twins from daycare. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. They had to sit there for an hour and a half. Okay. And then last night he told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I just want you to tell me something right now, okay? And you have to be totally honest with me. You swear? Is he having an affair? Why did you hesitate just then? I didn't hesitate. He's not having an affair. Jamie, Jamie. You guys are just going through a temporary rough patch right now. Temporary rough patch? What are you talking about? We've been in this for years. Yeah? I love him. You know I love him with all of my heart. But he's, you know, his family growing up, he had nothing. And so he was always looking over the fence because he wanted a better life. And that's why he worked four jobs at once so that he could put himself through school. And he's amazing. I mean, nobody can do that. But the problem is now that he has everything, he can't turn it off. And he still wants more and more and a second house and more kids and a nicer car and anything that he thinks is going to make him happy. And so he just keeps working and he's not paying any attention to me. I'm miserable. Oh God. Because I have huge feelings. They're size 11. My foot has grown a half a size with each baby. I have to go to this weird online shoe store to get shoes. And I just want him to pay attention to me and I want him to grab me and kiss me like he used to. And it's like you always say, Dave is a little bit of a pussy. Why do we say that? I always say that because it's true. Dave is a little bit of a pussy. I hope that when he makes partner, he can just finally stop and be happy, you know? Because how can you stay married to somebody who's incapable of being happy? What's going on? It is good to see you again. It's good to see you too, Dave. What's going on with the women, huh? I've been seeing a number of very, very nice ladies. Some pictures. Wow. That is Tatiana. Tatiana. What's her last name? It's Tatiana. Calls me at three in the morning and wants to **** Stine. Who gives a ---- what her last name is? Mitch. Reminds me a little bit of Sabrina. Yeah. Wait, who's Sabrina? Sabrina. She's this new law associate at my work. She's so hot. Mitch, is she hot? She's like fall out of a magazine hot, you know? I bet she's number one on your cancer list, right? What's that? Come on now. You know what that is? Every married guy is a cancer. This is the first three women that you'd have sex with if your wife suddenly died of cancer. That's ******* sick. Come on. That's the mother of my children. Oh, I know. But I'll play. Yes, yes. She'd be at the top of that list like a gift. Yeah. But I interrupted you. Tell me about this one again. Last week, Tatiana, she comes over. She's wearing this tight black mini dress. And you know what she says to me? Tell me slow. She'd know nothing. Because all Tatiana wants to do in three in the morning is fucky fucky rubber ducky. This chick is insatiable. She wants it in every position under the sun. God, you're so lucky. Yeah. We do the wheelbarrow, the Arabian goggles, the lonesome dove, the Arsenio haul, the jelly donut, the pastrami sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. Hey, let me tell you something, man. Hey, no man's that hungry. I don't even know what these are. You're married. You're married, dude. That's true. Anyway, we start going at it. And it gets so intense that my nose starts bleeding. Come on. This is Dracula and Rice type ---- happening right in front of me. Good for you. And when all's said and done, we finish up and the dust settles, she looks up at me and she says, Mitchell, next Tuesday, I am coming back here. And we're really going to ****. Yes. Tatiana. Yeah. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. You're just, how did I miss this? I just, I missed all the sex and the drugs and the bad choices. And I just ******* rushed it. Didn't I? Wasn't I rushing? You were busy. Rushing to get into a good college, right? And then into a good law school. Once I got into good law school, I just want to get into a good law firm, right? I met Jamie. We got married. We had a car and that was it. I pissed away my twenties, right? Now it's too late. Look, ---- bird. You got it made. You have an extremely hot wife. Now you got a beautiful house that's full of furniture and food and kids. You make a ton of money and you come home at the end of the day and you're surrounded by people who give a ---- about you. You're never lonely. I don't know. What more do you want? I'll tell you what I want, okay? I want something different. I want your life. You know, I want, I want Sabrina. I want Tatiana and sex with strange new women. You're living the dream. How much fun is it being an actor working one week a year? I want to smoke weed all day. I want to, I want to start a book that I actually finish. I would like to take a nice solid dump because I'm not constantly stressed out. I want to, I want to learn how to rollerblade. And I'd like to take a piss. Me too. Found it, found it, found it, found it. Perfect. This chick does not look happy. You know, just saying that I, I really envy your life. I envy yours. No, you don't. Just, you're trying to be nice. I'm not trying to be, I do. I envy it. No, I envy yours. I wish I had your life. Rolling blackouts or something? Yeah. I'm gonna ruin her. Oh. I need to cool it on the Thai food. Oh my god. Seriously, dude, light a candle. Oh my god. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't back that thing up into me. Go hose it out or something. What? I can't believe you'd come at me guns hot. Guns hot? Are you kidding me? No, I'm not, lady. It's not gonna happen tonight, okay? I'm not attracted to you. Rotate your turret and go night-night. It's your turn. Your turn to feed the babies. I don't feel like it. Come on. Are you ******* kidding me right now? No, it's three in the morning. You go do it. You're the mother. I'm the mother. It's three o'clock in the morning. Get the **** out of the bed right now before I ******* cut you. Jesus, but hey. ****.