Howard Wolowitz; Master of Impressions ¦ The Big Bang Theory

Oh dear, I am rightly and truly screwed. Hey, I thought you were finding new friends. I've got some feelers out. In the meantime, listen to this. Hey Rajesh, this is Lalita Gupta. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So I'm calling you and... Can you believe how pushy she is? So don't call her. If I don't call her, I won't hear the end of it from my parents. So call her. How can I call her? You know I can't talk to women. I'm done. Anybody else? Give me the phone. Why? Just give it to me. What are you doing? Don't worry, you'll thank me. Hello Lalita, Raj Gupta calling. It is good to talk to you too. So, what are you wearing? Oh, not important. So, anyhow, when would you like to meet? Friday works for me. And I'll call you at a time and place. But in the meantime, keep it real, babe. You may now thank me. For what? Making me sound like a Simpsons character? Fine, next time make your own date. I didn't want to make this one. Look on the bright side. She might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl. Great, then we'll get married. I won't be able to talk to her. And we'll spend the rest of our lives in total silence. Work for my parents. It's been three days. Why hasn't Stephen Hawking played a word? The guy's a genius. Maybe you weren't challenging enough for him. Not challenging. I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called The Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl. Here's the problem. You can't beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy's a big baby. Forget the wheelchair. He should be in a stroller. Really? One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day he had a pizza party and everyone got invited but me. Then he was all, Your invitation must have gotten lost in The Matrix. Good lord. What have I done? Good lord. What have I done? Terrible. All right, hotshot. Let's hear your Indian. I can't sit on that elephant. My ass is on fire from eating all this curry. Okay, yeah, that's pretty good. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero. Honestly, Howard's just as good a dungeon master as I am. As good? Boy, you just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four eyes. Hey, come on guys, focus. Almighty Nicolas Cage tree, we thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal. Oh, Lucy's free after all. See ya. Hey, hey, you can't leave. We just started. You're right, I should finish the game. I take my plus one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I'm dead. I've got a date with a girl. Bye. We'll be fine. Watch. Suddenly a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali's bloody corpse and says, Don't worry, buddies. Ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest. Well, I'm just a tree, but if I were you, I'd listen to your ghost friend. Go on, give him your lunch money. Should we get lunch or you want to eat at the zoo? Oh, Harry, I don't need food as long as I can look at my phone. I don't like when you imitate me. You want to hear my steward? It's been a while since I've gone on a date. Mind if we watch the monkeys doing it? I said that to you in confidence. Well, call blimey. You look like a thousand tuppence, don't he, Mary Poppins? Are you going to talk like that all night? Jif Willikers, I am. Isn't he cute? He's going to get a spoonful of sugar later. And I'm going to sweet Miss Poppins chimney. Hey, Sheldon. Hello. Oh, my God, you look amazing. I find you guilty of murder because you are killing it. Well, technically, the Supreme Court wouldn't determine a defendant's guilt or innocence in a criminal matter. They could only reverse or revamp a jury's conviction based on a constitutional or statutory issue. Why are you laughing? His statement was factually correct. You're sitting in my spot. You don't have a spot. What is wrong with you today? Maybe he's cranky because he's off his bathroom schedule. Well, I can understand how that would make someone irritable. The interesting fact, irritable comes from the Latin, susceptible to anger. Just because I used a word doesn't mean I want its etymology. The interesting fact, etymology comes from the Greek. You are being so annoying. Stop it. Why are you two laughing? He's being you. He's dressed as you for Halloween. Well, see, you're not laughing at him. You're laughing at me. We're not laughing at you. We're laughing with you. But I'm not laughing. Then the first one. Well, I've just never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls before. Oh, don't worry, sweetie. No one has. So what do you say? I'll leave it up to the dungeon master. A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, You're playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D. Here we go. You find yourselves face to face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die. Okay, literal goosebumps. He gave us plain rice instead of fried rice. No fair. I soul cycled this morning. I'm entitled to a pile of fat rice. Well, I would say that this constitutes a catering crisis. I agree. Who's going to step up and handle it? It doesn't matter. This is fine. Penny? What? You know what? I'll take care of it. Raw share, Howard Wolowitz. Make a woman chow fan. A panca into panca bugal singa. Siya siya. Done. You didn't make him feel bad, did you? Actually, he was laughing. I'm really impressed at how you handled that, Howard. Please, I've been sending food back my entire life. One of my first full sentences was, I had breast milk for breakfast. Excuse me, but before we start eating, I would like to make a toast. If only I could think of one. Someone else go. The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano. He's not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings, and prepares to attack. Get away, get away. Doesn't he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity? Fine. You'd think, after all these years, I'd know not to fly over volcanoes. I'm a freaking idiot. The dragon's Christopher Walken. All right, Amy, it's your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off. Here we go. 15. It's a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground. No, wait, wait. And says, Mother, is that you? Your little boy is coming home. Oh, I don't know about you guys, but I've been through the emotional wringer tonight. I got the craziest email this morning. I don't mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work. Believe me, I know. The email I got was from the office of Stephen Hawking. You're kidding. He's coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture, and he's looking for an engineer to help maintain the equipment on his wheelchair. That's amazing. You'll be like his pit crew. A word of caution. I would not do your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him. You're right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.