THE MOST OVER-RATED WINES IN THE WORLD_

One glass, 11 Chardonnays. Welcome to the show people, it's one of my favourite grape varieties in the world and here we have 11 of the biggest brands of Chardonnay produced throughout the world. We've got California, we've got France, we've got Australia, we've got all sorts really and all sorts of price ranges. These are wines that fly off the shelves. We're going to see here whether we've got great, good or an awful lot of toilet water. I've cleared the shelf here because we're going to split these wines into class, pass or arse and we're going to put the arse ones there, the pass ones on the floor and the class ones on the table. Wish me luck, I'm going to get tasting and Fred you're going to suck them up. Are we ready? I have 11 beautiful Chardonnays to taste. Fred you treat me and spoil me, lucky me. With Chardonnay I am wanting a balance between citrus freshness and a little bit of richness, sort of buttery creaminess that you get. What's Fred started me with? Wine number one, in she goes. Right, so it's nice pale colour and I'm looking for sort of citrus tropical fruit notes and I get something a little bit tooty fruity and jammy and on the nose right. Fred you arsehole, that's an absolutely disgusting wine. I think that might have melted my front tooth, it's got so much sugar in it. In it goes there, straight on the arse shelf. Absolutely disgusting but stick with me people, I think we're going to be okay. Wine number two, let's hope, in it goes. The joys of tasting a wine with a bit of vitality, completeness, that balances acidity, juicy stone, citrusy kind of fruits, absolutely lovely wine. My goodness gracious, I cannot believe they're in the same lineup. So here we go, wine number three. Oh I reckon that might come, it's got some acidity to it, so I think that comes from France, I think that's our Louis Jadot Chardonnay, I think that's got to be something like Blossom Hill or Gallo, something Californian and horrid. Okay, that's a juicy Chardonnay, it's quite rich, it's got lovely ripe fruit, it's a little bit sweet for me but I'm going to give it an arse. Nearly got a pass but by mistake it slipped and got an arse because it's just got a little bit too much sugar on it and it is a, I think it might be a jam shed. Here we've got another quite ripe, quite sweet, quite cloying wine that I just would not want to have three glasses of, in fact it would make me really sick, so that's going to go on the arse shelf. So it seems to me that Chardonnay is quite a difficult grape variety to do well, a lot of these are over ripe, they're sweet, they're sickly, just too like a McDonald's milkshake and that was something from California as well I reckon, so these two are sort of Sutter Home, Blossom Hill, Gallo kind of things, Hardee's, which might be from Australia, either way it's absolute piss. Right, let's pop this in, that's a much better wine. So that has got a little bit of spiciness, maybe from some oak in there as well, it's fleshy, it's got citrus notes to it, it's an interesting wine, it's a bit nutty. I'm going to leave that on the class shelf, I think that might be Castellera del Diablo. In we go here, that just tastes flat. Oh god, it's a horrid, horrid, horrid, horrid wine. Five more to go, we need to find some classes and some arses, it's my favourite grape variety, let's go. Oh goodness sake, that's absolutely foul. We'll just spin through this, I think we're getting to the point that Chardonnay you've got to be terribly careful of if you're going to buy a mass market Chardonnay, big brand, that you're going to think is good. Absolutely revolting, that's left the most revolting taste in my mouth, so disgusting. I think I'd rather do a tasting of 11 different versions of meth. Literally guys, why the can't you make a Chardonnay that actually just tastes of wine rather than fairy liquid? Arse, no that's not arse, I can't do this anymore because this is so sweet, I'm done. I'm not going to taste it, it's disgusting, they're all revolting. These are disgusting, okay I'm going to taste this last one, pass. So honestly people, if you want one grape variety to really avoid, to make yourself happy for a long long time, avoid Chardonnay when it's got a big fat brand label on and costs less than 15 quid, simples. Let's just check that I haven't been too harsh, let's pick out a random arse and it definitely does taste of arse. What is it? ****, that is an expensive wine and it tastes of arse. That wasn't a glass full of joy. So ABC, anything but Chardonnay, I thought was a joke before I did this but it is no joke at all. All these will be New World Chardonnays, so they're outside of Europe, they taste of soap, perfume and McDonald's milkshakes, they're absolutely disgusting. Are you okay? No, I'm not okay. Honestly, I'd rather drink Pinot Grigio and that's saying something. Fred, you can do the clearing up. I really hate those wines.