The Very Best Of Emma Thompson On The Graham Norton Show

Where do you want me? A snakeskin pet. Python. Hmm? Python. Yes. Beautiful. And that's just one python on each leg, isn't it? Yes. I just... Yes, I eviscerated them myself. I just pull out the body and then pull them on. Me and Jimmy backstage said we definitely would. Yeah. Even I might. Yeah. As long as I can see the Oscars from where I was. I don't... You could wear them as earrings. That would be nice. Yes. As I was saying in the monologue, you and Emma, you know each other of old. What do you mean, old? Well, no, no. We've met previously. Yeah, fair enough. We have, but we've never liked each other, which isn't... LAUGHTER What a long show this will be. LAUGHTER Now, we mentioned the two of you working together, you and Emma. Obviously, brother and sister in Love Actually, which I sort of... You forget that you're brother and sister in that movie. And then lovers in Sense and Sensibility. Thank you. Beautiful. LAUGHTER Aww. He was so grumpy all the time. LAUGHTER I was. I was. So grumpy. He knew me, he'd known me for years, there was nothing there for him. He knew that I wasn't going to... Come on. LAUGHTER He couldn't have been less interested. I'm trying to make you look good. But, in fact... I did let you down on that. I was grumpy, fat, bad... You were richer than God as well. LAUGHTER Yeah. Well, you were so famous, because you hadn't been famous. We'd done two films together where neither of us was famous, and then you were suddenly very famous, because of Four Weddings. What were those other two films? Impromptu, where you played Chopin in a terrible wig. Yes, yes, yes. And, um... Remains of the Day. Yes, yes, yes. Where you got killed in the war. Yes, yes, yes. Very sad. And, of course, famously directed by Ang Lee. Yes. Now, do you both feel the same about Ang Lee, or was one of you keener on Ang Lee than the other? Could that be a leading question? It sounds like it. I think we all ended up adoring him. We loved him. We adored him. But the opening, the first initial scenes were tricky, because he was a man of very few words, partly because his English wasn't great at that time, and also because he was this great sage from Taiwan, and he was like Grasshopper, and you waited for his words of wisdom. I remember doing quite an easy scene with Emma, walking down beneath some trees. I thought we were being rather good. We went up to Ang Lee, who was sitting at the monitor afterwards, and said, What do you think, Ang, what do you think? And he said, Very... Boring. And it was crushing. He hadn't developed the thing of telling... You know, English actors, me in particular, I have to be told I'm marvellous all the time. I haven't got any of that. I remember him saying to Kate Winslet, You will get better. He said to you, Could you do one like a bad actor? Yeah, and I said, I think you've seen that one. But the scene that I think everyone remembers... Funnily enough, we called him Fang Lee, I remember that. Which wasn't hilarious at the time either. But the scene that everyone loves is the proposal scene, where the whole way through it, you think you can't get together with Hugh because he's married. Yes. And then finally, you discover that he's not married. It's supposed to be funny, that was the point. I started crying. Then we got halfway through it, and Hugh said, You're not going to do it like that, are you? Well, I don't like anyone being good in a scene with me. I hate that. I was supposed to be full of love for you, and I felt nothing but undiluted loathing. Did you really not know she was just going to bawl the whole way through it? No, because you've done that thing that really good actors do in rehearsal of sort of almost nothing, so they keep it, they save it. And then I get that bloody thing. Because you kept going. Yeah, all the way through, that's the gag. But you are incredibly good at the crying, Emma. I mean, there's that one, there's the remains of the day, that crying is sensational at the end of it. And of course, Love Actually, everyone loves the Love Actually crying. Heart-wrenching. No, see, look. Everyone loves that crying. Do you have a shortcut to crying? No. Like a dead dog or whatever? No. No, no, I don't. No. But are you upset when you're crying, or are you just crying now? Yes, I'm generally speaking pretending to be somebody else. And that person, whoever it is, is in some difficulty, for some whatever reason, and that produces the emotion required to... Well, fascinating. Fascinating. I could no more do it than fly. I have to have a woman come and blow Vicks Cynics into my eyes. And even then, all you get is three yards of snot. There are pictures of you doing the red carpet together in the various films you've done, and it seems to me you have very different red carpet sort of... Style. Approaches. Approaches. So here's a picture of the two of you on the red carpet. Yeah. You looking very debonair and studied. I'm slightly a ball. And then you... A red carpet does seem to send you slightly bonkers, Emily. Yeah, it's not my natural habitat. It's like you came up with photobombing, because even new stars, new stars, just coming blinking into the spotlight, just kind of it's award season. Finally, this is my moment. Here's Lupita Nyong'o. Mean! It's her first red carpet and you're doing it. She's done 18 red carpets by the time we were on that one. She was relieved, believe me. You'd do anything for a laugh by then. Because, Luke, you know, the red carpet thing, are you a bit like Mr Grant? Have you got a look? Have you got a... I'm attempting something. OK, try it into five there. Five. OK, so, Luke, Luke, Luke, over here. Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke. Too friendly, too friendly. Smolder, smolder. Oh, yeah. That's it. Famous faces, meeting famous faces. There's a weird thing going on at the moment. Well, so many weird things because of Donald Trump. But we're suddenly hearing about all these famous people that he asked out. And you are one of them. Yes. Yes! I know. You could be the first lady. I could have changed the course of history. No, we were doing Primary Colours, which was a film about the Clintons and about that. It was at Universal, it was 97, so it was a long time ago. So, actually, one only associated Senior Trump with tasteless architecture at that point. And, well, still a boundless sense of narcissistic kind of madness. But I was in my little trailer, which was a normal trailer, and it had a phone, like a proper phone, with a, you know... Landline. Landline. Sort of trailer, though, so it's kind of... And no-one had ever rung me on it, nor had I ever used it. In fact, I assumed it was not a working machine. And it rang one day, and I picked it up, and it was Donald Trump. Donald Trump. What? Donald Trump. Donald Trump was on the other end of the phone, going, Hi, it's Donald Trump here. And I thought someone was having a laugh. So I said, Oh, f*** off. And he said, No, I'm ringing to ask you if you would like to, you know, come and stay in one of my lovely apartments and maybe we can have dinner. And I just didn't know what to say. I was just absolutely astounded, because how did he get my number? I mean, a number that I didn't have. In the trailer. And so I just said, I'd get back to him. And there are so many ways I wish I had, because if I had gone out with him for dinner, I could have done that. And then we would all have known. Emma, very at home with animals. In Scotland, do you own sheep? Yes. And you commune with the sheep? That's putting it too strongly. I walk through the sheep field. You've walked amongst the sheep. Shouting at them. But isn't there a thing with a stream? Oh. There usually is. By the way, I've never told you this, but... No, please. Some time back... So we have, at the bottom of the sheep field, there's a pond where I wash, and there's a sauna, a wood-fired sauna, so we go down there and get in the sauna. And in the summer, I walk to and from with nothing on. Much like the sheep. Yeah. They're appalled, obviously, just appalled. Oh, God! But one night, it was a hot summer, there was a kind of real thundering on the door of our place, and it's miles away from anywhere, so I thought, oh, God, OK, the man in the mask has come to take us away. And I was there on my own with my little daughter, who was little then and a little nighty, and we went downstairs and opened the door. There was a massive and very good-looking policeman outside who said, I'm so sorry to interrupt your evening, Mrs Thompson, but we've had reports of an intruder on your land... ..on your field. And I said, really? Oh, God, when? When? When was it? Well, it was sometime this afternoon. A woman was walking her dog and she saw a 52-year-old man coming naked up through the sheep... LAUGHTER ..at which point... ..at which point I thought, OK... ..something has happened, or my boobs have dropped so low that from a distance they read as testicles. And I was so embarrassed with this, because this policeman was so lovely and so good-looking, I nearly whipped up. I was saying, honestly, it's not that bad. I think it was probably me. Because we knew you in this country as an actress, and then you went to Hollywood, and then we saw you in what seemed at the time sort of surprising films, like you showed up in Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That was fun, actually. Was that fun to do? He was really... He was actually orange, Arnold. I've never met anyone who was really, truly orange. I believe there are a lot of them about here now. I blame Simon Cowell. But he was very nice. He was very courtly, in a way. Austrian and sort of courtly. Can he act? No, no, no, no. Emma, you have worked with Luke. Inadvertently. Yeah, it wasn't supposed to happen, was it? No, we were both at Pinewood Studios, I believe, where we did our... It was Shepperton, I think it was. Oh, was it Shepperton? Yes. Twice they've worked together, twice. And you were doing...? I was doing Clash of the Titans, and I was Apollo dressed in this gold armour with long hair extensions, and we're all standing, all the gods are standing around Mount Olympus, and there's this big set piece of the world, and Liam Neeson as Zeus was up on a throne on one end, and all of a sudden you could hear this little stick moving, and we all looked to the end of the set, and on walks Nanny McPhee. LAUGHTER And she trotted across the globe, up onto the steps and sat on Liam Neeson's lap and said, I think you've been a very naughty boy. LAUGHTER Very good, very good. Liam said, you know, well, how are you doing? We were chatting away, chatting away, and the first said, right, we're going to shoot, everybody, to places, everyone, so I got up to go, and he says, oh, don't worry, it's very fine, it's just coming off, it's just got a couple of things, it's not on me, just stay where you are. I said, I can't stay where I am, I've got to act. He can't be acting with Nanny McPhee and Zeus together. So I hid behind one of the thrones, and I'm in that shot. LAUGHTER I feel like you're very happy to have your picture taken. No, not really. Really? Yeah, you're entirely wrong. Because I see there's a picture, someone posted it on Twitter... Oh, my God, yes. ..of you, and there's a fence in it, and I don't know who's being protected. Fence in it? There's a fence in it? LAUGHTER That's the Reading Music Festival. I saw you there! No, I wish. Oh, my. That would have been amazing. That was me and my 54-year-old best mate and 90,000 teenagers. Oh, my God. Oh, I can't tell you. And I thought, this is nice, this is nice. And then, well, two things happened. First of all, I got into the mosh pit while the Arctic Monkeys were playing, and I thought, oh, I'm going to die. LAUGHTER I was all crushed in, being moved up and down by people, thinking, oh, now's when I die. LAUGHTER I always wondered, and I thought it would probably be young, but I didn't picture this, you know? And then I thought, we all walked back, you know, with the 90,000 teenagers who were all high on votes, and I thought, this is really quite nice. And then someone s*** on someone's tent, and then someone blew up the tent, you know, and then some... It would just... And then the toilets overflowed, and I had to use those little s*** things, you know, because... Well, the she-ra. The little pee-she-ween. Oh, she-ween. She-ra. She-ra. She-ra! She-ra. Yeah, the little she-things. And, of course, it's absolutely hilarious, because you pee down it, and it's supposed to go down the chute, and instead, what it does is take all of the wee and push it into your body and down your leg. LAUGHTER It's an efficient thing if you want to cover yourself in wee for whatever medical reason. You might have psoriasis or something. Then it would work. It would be good. You should have been a doctor, Emma Thompson. LAUGHTER You are wasted as an actress. I'm wasted. It's so true. Oh, it was hell. It was hell. I'm never going again. I love that what people would have thought when they're high on whatever at Reading Festival running into you, would be like, SHE WHISPERS No way, is that real? Covered in wee. Covered in wee. That's so good. Nanny McPhee, covered in wee. She-ween. She-ween. She-ra. It's just tragic. You were the power couple of comedy in the early 80s. It is true. Cambridge Footlights. Listen to the man. Listen to the man. No, you were talking about research earlier. You were the president of Footlights, Cambridge. Yeah. And which... You were... Vice-president. Vice-president. She was my vice. LAUGHTER Couldn't give her up. I saw Hugh come in. First time we met, we were 19. It's so weird being 60 now and on this sofa. We've seen each other in between. We have, obviously. LAUGHTER Fair bit. But I remember, never forget you coming into the Footlights clubroom. There was a little sort of smoky clubroom where they did things called smokers, where people smoked and tried to see someone trying to be funny at the end of the... You couldn't, cos there was too much smoke. Anyway, Hugh walked in, in khaki, entirely in khaki. Do you recall that outfit? And you strode about, and then you had to do an audition. You had to pretend to be the Emperor of China, trying to... Getting someone to bring him a cup of tea. And you sat in your khaki on a chair like this. And just did this. You did the Emperor of China, unable to ask his staff for a cup of tea, and I turned to my friend and said, he's a star. Sounds... Yeah, sounds pretty groundbreaking. I don't remember the khaki... Yeah, it was khaki. It was a khaki shirt and khaki trousers, I remember it well. Very unlikely. But your group, you were the ones who went to Edinburgh and you got the first ever Perrier... Was it a Perrier? It was. And look, there you all are. Oh, my God. Children. Tony Slattery. There's your good friend Stephen Fry at the back there. Ah, the best. With a pipe! For God's sake. I mean, how old was he smoking a pipe? What was a 19-year-old man doing with a pipe? And you and Stephen Fry were roommates, right? We were not, but I spent probably more time in his room. In his room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hung out with him? We hung out, yeah. And we found Footlight's theatre programme. Now, I think... Is this the one where you wrote each other's biogs? Do you remember doing this? Did we write each other's biogs, or is that... It depends how funny they are. Yeah. If hers is funny, I... Yes. I'm going to claim that I wrote it. So, this is Emma's, which I... Yeah. Shaves her head, wears baggy trousers, little round glasses, deplores depilatories, drinks pints, protests regularly, votes Socialist Workers' Party, supports Spurs, eats fire, soaks pulses, wrestles, squats, is concerned, refuses to be stereotyped, OK? Nothing's changed! Nothing has changed! You did like that, didn't you? This is Hughes that Emma wrote this one. Yeah, that's right. 1981, president of Footlight. Hugh is also a Cambridge rowing blues. In fact, he rowed in the 1980 boat race when Cambridge lost by five feet. And if you want to endear yourself to him, this fact is well worth shouting out during the show. Across with Albert Einstein and Clint Eastwood, Hugh is ugly and stupid. He plays a mean guitar and rather selfish harmonica. But the rowing thing is true. Yeah. It is true, yes, yes. I mean, you were probably good at it. That's why I went to the university, was to do that and nothing else. All of this, you know, la-di-da stuff, you know, that was... Woof! Just woof! That was amazing. Woof! No wonder I fell for you. That was the... Ton of bricks. Now, that was the American Olympic pair. That was the year that the Americans boycotted the Moscow Olympics. So they had nowhere to go except Henny Regatta, and we raced against them and they trounced us. Check out the size. Yes, the legs are very impressive. And I noticed you went for a slightly shorter short. You obviously thought, these are working for me. Yes, that was uppermost in my mind. Now, listen, Emma Thompson, congratulations, because recently, what an honour, because anyone, I think... You just buy the star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but you got the real deal. You got the handprints. I got the handprints? In the Chinese theatre. No, it's more an opportunity for blackmail, that, in my view. Isn't that weird? They get you to dress up, then they present you with a square yard of wet cement and invite you to stick body parts into it. Don't you think that's eccentric? I look at you there and I kind of think you're on all fours. It seems like quite a solid, steady position. I have found it so in the past. And yet... And yet, this happened. I fall over... Because I was doing a pratfall, because I was mucking about as usual, and because the press always suck any iota of joy, life, humour or hope out of those moments, they said, oh, she's actually fallen over, and they knew fine well I was just doing it. Oh, my God, I'm so... You know what I'm like. Yes! Because you're not a big fan of LA. You don't like spending that much time there. Well, I mean, I like LA, because I've got really good friends there, but it's a funny old place. It's just a strange place. And as soon as you get there, you think, oh, my God, my bum looks big in this. Meaning LA, you know. But it's true, isn't it? This is the problem, because I've lived there for a long time, and they say if you sit in a barbershop for long enough, you're going to get a haircut. Well, if you live in Los Angeles long enough, you're going to get some surgery. I've had a thatch done, I'll tell everybody now. I didn't even need it. No. That's the weirdest thing. I had, like, three months off, I got bored, and I was like, oh, it's... I'll go in. So is that new hair? No, no, I've just got some round the side gone. They've got the colour wrong in the front. Some round the side gone, and I actually didn't need it. But that's what I'm saying about Los Angeles. They're very conscious of how everybody looks, and there's also a real hierarchy as well, you know, so there's the star system thing, which we don't really have here, thank goodness. I don't like that. So they'll always find a way of making you feel bad. You know, there's always some VIP enclosure. That you're not in. You think you're in an important bit, and then you find that you're not in the most important bit, or your ticket is green, when actually the really important ticket is pink. They find ways of making you feel less than or more than all the time. I don't really approve of that. That sounds miserable. The amount of times I've turned up to places and the look on people's faces, they realise I'm not Robin Williams. Now I'm so used to it, I'm going, like, Robin Williams, right? No, sorry, it's me. Yeah. Seriously, all the time. But what's crazier is, so here's the album, and a lot of them have just... Look at the state of you on the cover of that. Look at that. Is that you? Absolutely. Prove it. Literally, absolutely. Is him. Like Jackie magazine in 1978, it comes with a fold-out poster. It comes with a poster. I grew up on Jackie magazine. Look at that, you can have that. Give it to me. Now, can I just say, Lenny, you are lessing 50-year-old men down because this isn't supposed to be going on. You're supposed to let that go about, I don't know, 25. Is it incredibly hard to stay in that shape? I find it easy, actually. You know, I eat healthy, I take care of myself. You know, trying to go for the next 50. OK. Yeah. If you're doing that when you're 100, that's just wrong. Neither of us want to be here then. Fortunately, none of us will be. You may be. He will be. Yes, absolutely. He'll be doing a farewell tour. Here we go. Strut. More like limp. With a travelator going, what's the point of this day? Strut. Look, I'm lifting a foot. I read in an interview, you said the first time you worked with Dustin, that when you met him, it was kind of a thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cos he's one of my great idols. And I met him... We did something called Stranger Than Fiction with Will Ferrell. Yeah, it was a great one. Yeah, it was a nice piece of writing. And we had lunch, there was a lunch and... I mean, it's like 15 years ago, I think. And I was sitting at the back. I know what it was, it was my birthday, actually. It was my birthday lunch. And he came down this sort of aisle of this restaurant. You know, that walk, you know, this sort of... Oh, yeah. Obviously, you know, without the fringes. Oh, these trousers are too tight, they're actually parting my vagina. Sorry, sir. Shall I have them back? Now I know. Oh, you'd be surprised. Anyway, I don't know how guys do it. Oh, anyway. And I just had this kind of... This incredible reaction to him, because it was a sort of... Luis Mors, the French, was there, was just, like, being overwhelmed with this sense of all of those things that he'd played that had really touched me and moved me, you know, from Midnight Cowboy on, just... Especially that one, actually. That heartbreaking, broken man. Yeah, he's a great man. But, Emma, do you get that, where people have the same reaction to you, because you've really moved them in things, or...? No. You know, various things. I mean, the Love Actually thing, people do sometimes do that kind of... They just do that. How many people, I must imagine, go up to you and go, that's... One new film, Saving Mr Banks. I've seen it. It's just brilliant. It is so good. Thank you very much. It opens next Friday, the 29th of November. Yes. Now, you're playing P.L. Travers, who wrote Mary Poppins. Tom Hanks plays Walt Disney. I think we've got a picture of the two of you at a premiere. There you are. Oh, yes, you see? You see? I can't... These are good. Put the banana down. No, it's great. I just saw these and thought they would be good props for later. Yeah, you keep them, though. There you go, lovely. Actually, they look good on you. Come on, darling. Thank you, darling. There you go. Lovely. Not so good. Now, it's a story of getting Mary Poppins to the screen, but also the story of where the Mary Poppins story came from. Sort of thing, yes. Yes. So how long had Disney been asking for the rights? 20 years, he asked. And she was incredibly snobby, thought film was rubbish, thought everything that Walt Disney had ever done was rubbish, hated cartoons, hated Hollywood, and didn't want Mary Poppins to be turned into a sort of pretty woman who sang, which is, of course, in fact, what happened. But she just... She was very attached to the character because she'd had a horrible childhood, and I think that an awful lot of child... Authors for children have got sort of very deeply wounded children inside that they're trying to help. But then there's this weird kind of very 21st-century paranoia about her in that she insisted that all the meetings with the Disney writers were taped. Yes. And I had to listen to those tapes. It was like poking hot forks into my ears. It was just endless, and she was vile to them, and they hated her. They really did hate her, the Sherman brothers. Well, the existing Sherman brother does talk about how she was vile. She was vile. So it's a fascinating character to play. She's not a wife, she's not a mother, she's not a... She's a very powerful biddy who's turned up in Hollywood in a good pair of shoes and just gone, No! I think you're all rubbish! to someone who got everything he wanted all the time. So it's a great clash of personalities. And I was going to say, if you go to watch the film, stay to the end. Of course you will stay to the end. I meant the bit... Just do try and stay to the end. Yes, yes, yes, that's marvellous. Stay to the end, Graham Norton. After the end, during the end credits, they actually play some of the real tapes. Author, Emma Thompson. Oh, thank you. Because just in time for Christmas, yes, I said the C word, is The Return of Peter Rabbit, the spectacular tale of Peter Rabbit by Emma Thompson. Now, was it intentional? Because all three of yours... Are these published in the regular format, the traditional format as well? Literally, yeah. They come out in this... Yeah, they come out with the big one first. And then we go... And then they go little again, yeah. And obviously, taking up that mantle of Beatrix Potter is very scary. This is your third one, and the other two very well received. So was this kind of easier, in a way, to write? Sort of. I mean, I would never have done it. They were very clever about it, because they sent me a little... I got a little box wrapped in brown paper and string, and in it was a letter from Peter Rabbit. It was... I think they put... Have you got it up there? Look, I'll show you. I mean, that's so... I would never... If they'd just written and said, oh, you know, will you write another Beatrix Potter story, I'd say, don't be ridiculous! She was Beatrix Potter! She's one of the greatest authors who ever lived. I can't do that. But they didn't. They sent me that. Nibbled Oakley. Yeah. And then a little letter, which he's written, from Peter. Oh! Adorable. Yes. And I couldn't say no, and there was a little packet in with his jacket. It's horrible. I tried to get it. And I just thought, that's such a beautiful idea, and also, because I, of course, am slightly mad, I finally thought, maybe he did write it. Just maybe. He actually wrote me that letter. I'm going to do it. So that's why I did it, because it was a very original invitation. If you'd said no, do you think they'd have sent you another box with one of his ears? And it was put... APPLAUSE Yes, yes. Then we're going to get round it somehow. Last time we were on, of course, we were talking about P. L. Travers, another great writer, in Saving Mr Banks. And since then, I've read interviews with other people who were in that film, and they were saying that things got quite adult on set. Really? I can't imagine that ever happening. The guys who played the Sherman brothers. Yes. Oh. Yes. Um... Well. Um... No, it was just one day. It was... We'd had a bit of a time, and there was a lot of... There was a lot of crying, actually. And, er... So, they were a bit depressed, so I went away and took my... ..hair off and put two Mickey Mouse stickers on my... ..nipples. LAUGHTER And then I came back out and I showed them. LAUGHTER That's the moment. Yes, yes. They're appalled. They're really... They're actually... And pitying. That's what it says there. But there are parallels. There are parallels in Thomson's life, in that you too have created a magical nanny. Yes. Nanny McPhee. My husband said... He said, you've written about a magical nanny, now you're playing someone who's written a magical nanny. I wonder if behind every magical nanny there's a rancid, bitter, cantankerous old man. That was a good breakfast. To do that, to be Nanny McPhee, when we see you there, how long does that take? Slightly less long than it takes me to look like this. LAUGHTER Do you have to do anything? I mean, you're in Hollywood now, you're properly getting Oscars and things, so do you have to do things? What do you have to do to maintain the whole thing? Look at me. What? I'm looking at you. Look, I'm normal. Wow. I wouldn't do anything. You wouldn't do anything? Really? No, I really wouldn't do anything. You're very lucky normal. Well, it's psychotic, isn't it? Having your body opened up by someone and putting things into it. No, that doesn't sound psychotic. That sounds like a Saturday night. Ejecting yourself with poison and opening up your body to other people. It's a very well-grained... Yeah, it's a Disney movie. I want to get an eyelash off here. Go on, then. That's pretend. Make a wish. It's a pretence. I think it's a Lycra eyelash. I don't think that'll work. You can still wish on Lycra. Yeah. How long were you in Me And My Girl for? 15 months. Good God. You must have had a glaze-over. So did you do the glaze-over thing? No, I didn't glaze-over. I got clinically depressed. That's not what we're laughing about. I know, because it was so cheerful. It was all so cheerful. We all had to be cheerful all the time. Doing the Lambeth walk, all that. So nine months in, I was. I just couldn't cope at all. We had to be cheerful eight shows a week, and that was it. That was my lot. After a while, I couldn't be cheerful at any other time for any other reason. I never saw that, but I was a waiter at the opening night party for that. Oh, really? That's hilarious. I didn't try and shag you, did I? Obviously, that wouldn't have gone down very well. You weren't that clinically depressed. You were OK. You did look very glamorous, though. If you had, I would have. And the baking lyrics. You've got that little refrain, the sugar... Sugar, butter, flour, yeah. Am I right in thinking that's not correct? So I got schooled very early on. I had written this little motif that repeats throughout the show. It's like Jenna goes into her baking reverie, and so I thought, oh, how sweet. Sugar, butter, flour. So that repeats over and over again. And then an expert pie baker pulled me aside and was like, you know there's no sugar, it's salt. And I was like, cool. Give me back the tickets to the show. Rude. That is rude. Do you know who'd know that? Emma's husband, Greg, who is a champion baker. Yes. He won Celebrity Bake Off. Yeah. That's posh. It was posh. But now you nearly ruined it for him. Well, they were given this challenge. I mean, it's extraordinary what they're asked to do. Bake yourself in biscuits. Make a biscuit version of yourself. Well, this is just fascism. Yes. This is... Run riot. Anyway, so he created himself, and he decided he'd make a sort of pancake-y thing that was a kilt. And so he made a kind of structure, which was him, biscuit legs and then this kilt. And then more of him up above and leaves and trees and things. And it was all very sort of Salvador Dalí meets, you know... Biscuit. Yeah. Delia Smith. Anyway, I came in one night and drink had been taken and I walked in and I saw the structure and I didn't really take it in. But then I saw the kilt and it looked good. It looked good enough to eat, so I ate it. LAUGHTER And then he came... Yeah, exactly. He came down the next morning and was just, who ate my ******* kilt? The kilt's gone. Who ate my kilt? Yes! That is a song. And I blamed our daughter. I blamed our daughter. LAUGHTER